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Showing posts from December, 2005

I'm sick...and tired

Why is it some people can write cute little entries about being sick and I can barely find the correct letters on my keyboard to type out this boring entry? I have spent the last two nights sleeping upright in the recliner in the living room, simply so I could breathe. Great for breathing...terrible for my aging neck. I do believe all my insight and considerable wit are stuck somewhere in the snot in my head and will not be gracing this blog today.

The last time I missed work because I was sick...the doctors told me there was nothing wrong with me...nobody told me my baby could die.

I can't start crying or I won't be able to breathe at all.

We are animal lovers...really

Tonight there was a story on the news about a family whose dog had to be put to sleep after eating toxic Diamond Brand dog food. She said, "Christmas was hard, because, you know, someone was missing."

Steve looked up at the television and said something like, "YOUR Christmas was hard? Let me tell you something..."

I laughed...well...I squeaked...since I've nearly lost my voice with the sickies.

The story went on...

The poor little Pomeranian became sick and the family spent about $2000 trying to save him before it was just more humane to put him to sleep.

The company has said that if a connection between the animal's death and the dog food can be "firmly established," they will pay "reasonable vet expenses."

The dog owner said, "It's about more than the money, I want a reasonable explanation as to how this could happen."

Again, Steve looked at the television in dismay, waving his index finger and saying, "You want to know h…

Minus two points

I'm not sure who loses points on this one...my co-worker in the neighboring office (whose wife was fired) or me?

I asked if they were all set with baby stuff or if they needed anything. He said they still didn't have a crib, but he thought they had everything else...he would ask. I open my big fat mouth and say, "Well, let me know, because we have all this baby stuff just *sitting around*." oy! I could almost see him physically recoil in horror at the thought of using items intended for a dead baby.

To his credit, he looked like he wanted to cry and said honestly, "God that sucks. I just don't know if I could make it through what you've been through. It makes everything else seem trivial."

To my credit, I didn't burst into tears in front of him.

Parallel universe

I have recently become better friends with the man whose office is right next door to mine in our building. He is a perilously who recently graduated law school. He is also recently married and his wife is pregnant and due at the end of February. We have shared triumphs and tragedies with one another. I was sad over my Dad losing his job and he shared my indignation. Alex died and he has been sympathetic without being smothering. He hated law school and I commiserated with him. He failed the bar exam and I sympathized (being a two time failure myself). But today he told me something that makes me think about the twists and turns of my life a little bit differently. Last week, just before Christmas, his wife was fired from the company she has worked for for the past eight years. She was a good and faithful employee. So why did she get fired? Did I mention she is due at the end of February?

This story is eerily similar to my own, having been fired from a job in January of 2002, with a ba…

A fitting end to 05, or maybe just karma

This morning I slipped and fell on my side in the parking lot of Sam's daycare. Fortunately I had already taken him into the building, so I wasn't carrying him.
Is that a fitting end to the worst year of my life............ or maybe it is just karma for not leaving Cathy any gas in her car this morning.

In any event, I am at work now with wet, dirty jeans, and I'm sure that I will be achy later today.

ho hum........

The precipice

The edge is not a fun place to be. I'm looking out over the edge of the cliff and it's taking all the energy I have not to jump...to freefall into a self-indulgent depression that will consume me entirely. Last night I wished I had died instead of Alex. If God had to choose, he should have chosen me...not him. But then I thought about Sam and how he would have missed me so much more than he misses Alex...how much more unfair it would have been to him than it already is. How could I do that? Sophie's Choice is going in my mind...choosing between my boys. I actually weighed the pros and cons of which scenario would be better. And while Sam might have been sadder, they would both be alive.

All this bargaining as though I had a damn thing to say about it. God chose. And He didn't ask me my opinion.

So what does that leave me? Living a life I need to make the most of. But what exactly is that? For many years I was so sure I didn't want kids. Then for many years I was so …

"that safe place you've been for the last nine months"

F*** you Pampers.

No more ponchos!

OK, I love a good fad as much as the next gal. But this poncho craze is wearing thin. Crocheters and knitters unite! Start crafting patterns for something different! I'm in search of GOOD crochet patterns for a pretty sweater, a warm sweater, and I think I'd like to try a dress (probably something lacy). If you run into anything like that, that I could adapt for my plus size behind, I would appreciate the tip.

I can't do it

I'm having an unusual reaction to a lot of different things lately and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Christmas was filled with a lot of things that I just couldn't do...I couldn't face them...and I thought it was the holiday that was making me feel this way about other non-holiday-related things too. But the holiday is gone and I'm still feeling this way.

I didn't have this need to use avoidance before (except for maybe at work where new mommy co-worker is always in my face). I was dealing and coping and all those "positive" things.

But now, I just need to hide away for a while and not have to face anything.

It's not that I feel depressed...it's just that I have to gear up to care about anything other than my immediate family and my home and my pets. I seriously could care less about anything outside of my little sphere of existence.

Is this normal?

Toy boxes full of memories

Tonight we collected my old toy box from my parents. It's a big wooden chest/seat that my dad built for me when I was a toddler. It's plain, nothing special to look at. But it's big and strong and it's part of my story. For years it held all my toys (and my sister's and brother's toys). We stored our dress up clothes in there alongside our lazer tag guns and our bats and balls. We used it to set our dolls up to teach them in our make believe school. And it was home base in more than one game of freeze tag played in our basement.

My mother tells the story of the day that she walked past my sister sitting on top of the toy box and said, "Hi Rebecca, whatcha doin?"

My sister replied with an innocent smile, "Nothing," when a tiny voice from inside the box cried out, "Let me out of here!"

My mother asked, "Rebecca, is your brother in the toy box?"

With another innocent smile, Rebecca replied simply, "He wanted to get insid…

Phew...another project done

Finished two hours before giving as a gift to my mom. I'll call it a "winter wrap," though it was really large enough to be a regular throw.



I wish I had run the color change horizontal so it would be more gradual and less southwest/Mexican stripe-ish. But I think she liked it anyway. I hope so.

The Ghost of Christmas Future

I wish I had some insight that I could share from the Christmas experience, but I don't. I have nothing more than I had yesterday or any other day since May. And I KNOW I should be grateful for what I do have...one healthy child, a husband who loves me, a family who cares, a warm home...blah, blah, blah.

Christmas Eve was lovely...complete with mom's homemade pizza and presents galore.

There were even moments of humor...


I laughed and ate and drank and talked.

And I cried in the dark on the ride home.

Today I hid my tears in the bathroom as I showered and dressed...and the kitchen as I cooked dinner.

I KNOW what I lost. I see it in my Sam every single day...and Christmas day is no exception. And there are days like today, where I watch Sam and know what I will be missing forever.

The day may pass...but this is never over.

Merry Christmas baby boy. We love you.

Thank you my friend

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Christmas conversations

"Oh, that's a nice bumper sticker...

Be Patient
Be Forgiving
Be Nice to Each Other
Have Self Control
Be Slow to Anger


We should steal it."
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"That was a really pleasant saleslady."

"Seasonal help."
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"The wreath storage boxes are on sale...you should get one or two and send them to Dana."
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"Where are the coats? Are they upstairs?"

"I don't know, but I know the baby stuff is upstairs."

"Let's not go upstairs then."
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"Are you going to put a ribbon on that present?"

"That'd be like putting a pearl handle on an outhouse."
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"This Christmas music makes me want to jab a fork into my head."

"How about a knife...you've got a good steak knife right there in front of you."

"It's got a r…

Balancing act

I feel like I'm running around in circles trying to keep all the spinning plates from crashing down to the ground in a zillion pieces.

~Sam - deserves a great Christmas in his three year old world. I'm trying.

~Steve - missing Alex as much as I am and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. We look at each other helplessly and just FEEL the missing piece together.

~Other family - watching me, waiting for me to fall apart or explode or God knows what. I have to prove to them that I'm fine...but I'm not fine.

~Friends - offering what they can, but needing reassurance that they haven't really pissed me off. I have a habit of not censoring what I say...and I'm so terribly afraid they will have enough of my bitching that they'll say goodbye forever. I really need to be more careful.

~Myself - holding it together and I'm not sure why. The tears seep out every now and then and I don't even notice them anymore. The sobs escape rarely, but when they do, t…

I love my friends...but...

I really love my friends...I do...there's not a doubt in my mind that I love these people. But if ONE MORE person sends me a Christmas card with a picture of their perfect family, complete with new baby, I am going to tape my mailbox shut and refuse all mail until the end of the holiday season. Seriously, would it be too much to ask that these people send us a generic card from the $4.99 Holiday Assortment you can get at any WalMart? Just a tip...I do NOT want the cards with the Baby Jesus on them EITHER! And if another person announces their pregnancy in their Christmas greetings (like I did last Christmas), I'm going to tape my mailbox shut AND give up on Christmas altogether...maybe head out to somewhere warm. This happy little tradition is no better than finding a razor blade in your Halloween candy. Yeah, the chocolate is nice...but your insides are ripped to shreds by the time all is said and done.

Now I will give a break where it is due. My friend who announced her pregn…

Blog question

Someone asked and I wonder if you can help me answer...I think I may have a template issue to work out. Can you see each other's comments or no?

Wreath mania

I have noticed there is a sort of problem amidst the wreath-hanging set. That is, too many. These poor souls should really learn the mantra of less-is-more when considering decorations for the front of their homes. One wreath is classy and elegant...especially when paired with a big colorful bow. Two wreaths says you have too much disposable income and not enough commitment. "We couldn't decide which to buy, so we bought both." A wreath on every freaking window of the front of your home says you are either Polish (see Terrarium Jesus for an explanation), or you are absolutely certifiable. For crying out loud! Your house could very well fall forward on its face with all that greenery hanging from the front of it. Please...seek help immediately.

Life isn't all unfair

Earlier this year, I wrote about how unfair life can be. Hell, this whole blog is pretty much about how unfair life can be, isn't it? But I digress...

I had been thinking about my friend and how her Christmas would be, thinking about what "should have been." And then today I received some wonderful news...

Well..here's the news!! Mr. Chase Aidan F was born at 12:03pm Today (Dec. 21st)....he weighed in a 6 lbs 4oz & was 18 & 1/2 " long. He has..at this point...strawberry/reddish blonde hair...but that can all change, of course, as you all know. Mr. Chase has not been very hungry at all today because he swallowed up some amniotic fluids causing him to have an upset tummy. So he just spits up the amnio fluid every time we try feeding him. The nurse in the nursery said that its nothing to be concerned with yet & lots of babies experience this...so keep your fingers cross that he starts to eat regularly otherwise I don't think they will be letting us l…

Thursday challenge - lights

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So that's the secret!

As I was sitting in traffic today I realized why men are seemingly always happy and women suffer from mood swings. Socks. That's right, it's as simple as a pair of socks. I couldn't find any of my "warm" socks to wear today while I was out Christmas shopping (walking through parking lots full of snow and slush), so I wore a pair of Steve's socks. As I was contemplating how my toes were nice and toasty in my husband's socks, I realized that too many of my own socks are "cute" and not entirely satisfactory for keeping my tootsies warm. And when I have frozen feet, I simply cannot deal with life. The reason I was so equipped today to deal with Christmas shopping with Sam...warm feet. The reason I was able to cope with hostile shoppers....warm feet. It's true. I am not kidding. The secret to world peace may very well be in my husband's socks.

Miscellaneous Thoughts

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Two police officers who savagely beat a man in the restroom at a concert venue received probation. A twenty-something guy who posed as a charity donation collector is going to jail for at least 90 days. Who says justice is blind?
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We are Polish. In the grand tradition of Polish decorators who enjoy pink flamingos and plastic lawn statues of the Virgin Mary, I give you...

(drum roll please)...

Terrarium Jesus...





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For the past two days, Sam has come home from daycare and gone straight to bed. Last night he slept clear through to this morning. Tonight, I woke him up and fed him and he seems alert now. Steve, always one to jump to insane conclusions, thinks there could be a problem with the exhaust in the new car and Sam is overdosing on CO on the ride home. He'll go to the store tomorrow and get one of those cheap CO detectors to see if his insanity is warranted.
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Steve got…

It's nice to be remembered

I stalk. I admit it. I stalk the group of ladies that I was with on my Due In June message board. They have all gone on to happy baby land and they talking about first Christmas pictures and first Christmas presents. Every now and then, I peek in on them and hope that nobody had bad news.

Today I looked in on them and stumbled on a thread where they were being updated on another lady who had lost her baby girl after 20 weeks (I can't remember exactly what week she was). And they remembered me. They remembered things I had said and who I am.

I didn't comment, because I don't want them to KNOW I stalk them. But it was nice to know I'm remembered...that Alex is remembered.

More things that need explanation...

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Steve just sent this to me. Don't know why...but it makes me laugh.

The Others

I watched my first Netflix movie last night as my husband and son both snoozed away. Remind me never to watch a scary movie alone again in my old farmhouse...too many squeaks and creaks going on around me.

Anyway...I "got" most of the movie (which I will not discuss for fear of spoiling it for anyone who has not seen it). But could someone please email me and tell me what was the deal with the husband? Thanks!

I love Netflix!

Don't want to go to that holiday party?

Use the Holiday Excuse Generator. hehehe

I have met the most wonderful people

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I have had the pleasure to work with some really good people in animal rescue. But like so many other people in my life, I have taken them for granted far too often. Today, I was reminded that there are some really good people out there...some that I don't even really know too well...with big hearts and an abundance of love that they are willing to share.

One such friend from AcmePetTransport.com sent me this today...



Her note said, "I can only imagine what a difficult year this has been for your family. I think of you often and hope that you are finding a way to cope day by day. I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries by sending you this ornament in memory of your baby Alex. Hugs to you and your family."

That is exactly perfect. Thank you K & J (and Blue and Aladdin).

I have the best friends

I just received this email from a friend (I hope she doesn't mind I post it) and it made me laugh and laugh out loud. More proof I am, indeed, a sick individual.

Cathy,

I laughed and laughed at "Drunken Santa." No matter what you'e been through, no matter how much you have changed, you are still really funny.

The post about the ice scraper -- yeah, the fact that this is just part of your life now . . . wow. I can't begin to imagine what that's like for you guys.

As for seeing the humor in it, it reminds me of the time the bat flew into the funeral home during the "family-only" viewing after my aunt died. Here it was, a dark November evening, all of us talking quietly in the funeral home, my stunned and grieving cousin (daughter of the deceased) sitting with her head in her hands, when a bat flew in. It flapped all around the room, the funeral directors chasing after it as "professionally" and with as much decorum as they possibly could…

Empty houses

So many abandoned blogs out there...so sad. Kind of like empty houses. You know someone lived there once, but now they're gone. I wonder where they went to and what their lives are like. Why did they blog in the first place? Was it to just get over some bump in the road of their life? What an oddity blogging is. Started, deserted, resumed...all the while being held frozen in cyberspace for gawkers like me.

Ice scrapers and insights

I couldn't figure out what to use to get the ice off of Alex's headstone. It was way too cold to use my hands. Even through my gloves, I could feel the frozenness of the ice over the cold stone. So I did what any practical mom would do...I used the ice scraper from the minivan. I wish we had taken a picture because it was quite the sight. Me laughing so hard I could barely breathe in the winter air...accidentally stepping on top of my son's grave...apologizing for walking on him...scraping the headstone like a windshield. My husband, shaking his head and saying, "This just isn't right." It's at moments like these that I feel as though we have entered some bizzaro world (ever watch Seinfeld?) where things are the somewhat the same, but with some weird twist to change things up. Somewhere, I'm enjoying the pre-holiday week with two boys and my husband in our warm home...drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas specials while we snuggle on the couch…

My latest donation

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To Cooper Hospital in New Jersey.

Christmas shopping sucks

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We braved the dreaded Christmas rush in order to get a few things. I needed to get gift cards for my secretaries and a space heater for my paralegal (they're not really MINE, but they do things for me, so I want to say thank you and Merry Christmas). Remind me to never again take my husband and son to World Market. My husband's eyes glazed over and my son's eyes sparkled as he flitted from one expensive imported chair to another (with his snowy shoes...ack!). And let's not forget the impromptu concert on the bongo drums. (Do people actually buy those things?)

Shopping is usually quite fun because it includes a favorite pastime of people-watching. But overall, people have nothing to interest me anymore. I actually heard one woman wish another a "Merry Christmas...I'm not with the government, so I'm not going to change." What the...? I mean, when did Christians become so angry about their religion? I don't remember Christmas ever being about *Peace o…

More curious words

Hang in there

Take care of yourself


For what? There will be no day when my son is here and it will be all right. Why don't people understand that this just simply doesn't "get better?" Yes, there are hours and days where I can effectively cope with my life with the missing piece. And yes, there are times when, God help me, I actually forget. But those times aren't necessarily *good* because they are followed by the inevitable crash of reality. The feeling of what should be...how much sweeter those happy moments would have been with our Alex with us...how incomplete the moments are even when we have enjoyed them.

I do have *good* times. But it seems the longer the *good* times stretch out, the stronger is the force of impact with reality. One good hour isn't so bad. One good day usually leaves me sobbing somewhere...no telling when or where. I could be at work, in my car, at the grocery store, or home (my preferred place) when the real feelings of loss hit me ha…

An amazing father

Yesterday, as we were headed off to work in the morning, Steve told me something that made me smile all the way into work in my empty minivan. He told me that when he was in the office with the lady buying our "new" car, she referred to Sam and asked, "You have just the one?" I suppose the sight of us in a minivan does seem strange to people. I mean, just ONE kid, what do we need a MINIVAN for? Which makes me laugh at what people must think of me driving the silly thing to work all by my lonesome. But I digress...

Steve told her the truth...he said, "We have two, but our other son was stillborn earlier this year." She said she was sorry and changed the subject really fast (which makes me giggle for some reason...I wish I could have seen it).

Now, I could launch into a whole big analysis of how seemingly innocent questions can be hurtful and how unfair it is that we have to even consider how to answer them. But the thing about it is...I'm over that (for…

My wrist hurts

That's all I can type for now.

An author in the family

My brother-in-law (my sister's husband) has had a short story published. If you are so inclined to support a poor starving young author's confidence (I don't think he sees any cash from the sale of the journal), you can own your very own copy by sending a check for $6.50 (made out to Ohio Valley Literary Group) to: Confluence, PO Box 336, Belpre, OH 45714-0336.

Congratulations Pete!

Eternal sunburn

As I sat at the end of the driveway in the cold wet slush, sobbing uncontrollably and pondering if I had broken my left wrist (watching several cars go by without so much as a honk of the horn), I had an epiphany. Or perhaps I actually had the epiphany while I was sitting in my empty minivan at the end of my driveway, with a cold wet ass, sobbing uncontrollably, pondering if I had broken my left wrist and screaming at the universe, "I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! YOU WIN! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!" Either way, my ass was wet and cold, my wrist hurt like a bitch, and I couldn't stop the tears when I had an epiphany.

You see, it's not that falling on my ass is any better or worse than it was before. I'm notoriously clumsy and I'm used to looking up at the world from the fallen position. It's that I feel emotionally sunburned. You know, the sunburned feeling...where even the softest clothes feel as though they are peeling layers of your skin right off your living …

My favorite words...and my favorite people (very angry post warning)

Dwell

Wallow

Feel sorry for yourself

Has the world lost its capacity for compassion? empathy? just plain kindness? When did it become "bad" to mourn the loss of a loved one? When did it become taboo to feel sad? Why do we all have to be freakin' Mary Poppins on speed?

Don't dwell on the bad!Yeah, you lost your mom this year, but hey, little Jimmy scored three goals in soccer.Your loved one is suffering from painful cancer and will most likely die?How 'bout the upside? That overpriced must-have toy is on sale at the local department store.Your baby died?Well you still have another...and you can always try again.I mean...geez! Focus on the positive already! (not that the bad shouldn't be mentioned...just don't make it the focus.

I'm sitting her shaking my head at the utter lack of sensitivity of people I thought I knew. I have heard and seen so many things in the past seven months that I'll be surprised if I ever rejoin the human race in anything close t…

More random thoughts

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The neighbor uses our driveway in order to get a running start with his snow plow to plow his driveway. Is it really too much to expect that he might give us a courtesy plow in the process? Instead, he puts the plow up, gets in position, and plows the snow from his drive...careful not to move one snowflake off of ours.

A bit of history...When we FIRST moved in...our FIRST winter...he informed my husband that he charges $25 per plow and he and the people who lived in our house before us had it all worked out.
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My criminal procedure professor is running for Congress. I'm not sure I can wrap my mind around that one. katzforcongress.com
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I was crying because the dog had eaten my scarf and Sam, who has obviously become accustomed to me with a crochet hook in my hand, said, "It's ok mommy, you can make another one." lol

Which reminds me, I must plan a trip to JoAnn's with Sam...for yarn for the newly promi…

The holy grail

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We found a car! Now I won't have to walk to work! Yay!

This isn't a great picture, but this is the car. A 1992 light green Toyota Tercel with 83,000 miles on it. If it gets us through two more years it will have earned my love and gratitude.

Our existing pieces of crap have a date with Our Lady of the Wayside...pickup on Thursday 12/22...Merry Christmas suckers!

I'm off to relax and have some pizza. Have loads to blog about, but I must raise my blood sugar first or I will pass out at the keyboard and you'll only get oalr.iha.eflbcgol.j.kufgi;hhgoa;d(when my face rests on the keys and my drool seeps into the various characters).

The tale of the doomed scarf

My mother made me a beautiful scarf for my birthday...twice. It was this red, pink, and purple blend silky soft "fun" type yarn...peacock yarn, I think it's called. She struggled with it for hours, attempting to crochet yarn that is, quite honestly, really made for knitting. I remember she told me she had to hold it up to a lamp so the light would shine through and she could see where the stitches were.

So you can imagine how difficult it was for me to tell her that I lost it. I tore my house apart looking for it...and cried. I was pregnant at the time and was feeling particularly emotional about silly stuff. And I cried again when she gave me the replacement scarf...this one made out of the exact same yarn and with the exact same difficulties. She told me this was the last one.

So you can imagine how I cried tonight when I found that the foster dog had chewed it in half. I know it's just a scarf. But I feel like a complete idiot. I can't even take care of a damn s…

This isn't happening

That thought rolled around and around in my brain. I said it out loud...I don't think I yelled it, but it was screaming so loud in my head that I thought it would explode. That sound that was supposed to be there...that lovely, beautiful, amazing sound that I had heard so many times before...gone. All there was was silence and the screaming in my head. No! Nooooo! This isn't happening! Please God, I will do ANYTHING! Don't do this to us! Don't take our boy! This isn't happening! Where are YOU? This isn't happening! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!

How loud silence can be. How deafening it can be to hear nothing but imagined screams in your mind. It's much like turning the car stereo up so loud that it physically hurts your eardrums. You have no choice but to turn it down.

I could almost hear the sound I was SUPPOSED to hear...that lovely little drum beat of his heart. I can imagine it how it sounded just a week and a half earlier. I can still hear it. I remembered …

and the beat goes on...and on and on and on...

Sam went off to daycare this morning and now the car won't start and the truck is frozen shut. I am, in effect, snowed in. And I thought the universe was out to get me. Funny story though...when the office manager asked me if I was going to take it as vacation or comp it and work tomorrow, I sighed and said, "I really don't care." That's probably not going to win me any professionalism points...but I'm too tired to care.

So now that I've had a good cry about the utter lack of control I have over my own life (yes, these thing snowball into great big hysterical fits all the time), I think I'll spend the day watching soap operas (Steve was able to fix the tv in less than five minutes...show-off), crafting, and maybe eating and drinking too much (don't worry...I plan to indulge in Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi).

Of course, I COULD be spending today with my son (who wanted to stay home...but with DADDY), but I sent him off with a very mature, "Great...fin…

A banner day

I tell ya, sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed in the morning.

I got NO sleep last night due to a puking child. I thought I might catch a few winks during the DVD presentation this morning...but you can guess what happens when your attention is anywhere else but on said puking child.

The other day I discovered the cat has been using the upstairs closet as his own personal bathroom. So today I decide to clean it, since the husband, supposedly in charge of all things cat-related, has simply decided the best way to deal with this problem (of which he has been aware for some time) is to ignore it. Found cat pee on the garment bag that holds my wedding dress...and on the dress itself. So I attempted to wash the cat pee out of the dress...using the shower rod to hold the dress up while I worked on it. The shower rod came crashing down on my head with all five/ten pounds of dress. There is now a lump on the top of my head.

I took the foster dog, Orbit, out for his constitutional. He …

but of course...

I can now say that I prefer that Sunday night feeling to the Monday morning pukey kid feeling. Yes, in true Sam fashion, we are now home with the sickies (him...not me...yet). He hasn't held anything down since lunch yesterday at about 2:00 on the train ride home. sigh. I think I'm going to curl up under the covers and watch Thomas the Tank Engine with him. Happy Monday.

That old Sunday night feeling

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I really hate that Sunday night feeling. You know the one...where you've realized that you have to go back to work tomorrow morning and you'd rather do ANYTHING but. It's a sense of dread that makes me tired and cranky.

We spent the day at the Santa Claus Express at the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad. Steve and I lived in Bedford, a mere ten minutes away, for four years...and never road the rails. Now that we have a train freak in our three-year-old, we have the perfect excuse to indulge ourselves. We had wanted to ride the Polar Express, but they sold out in September. (We will know to plan better for next year.) We hadn't told Sam where we were headed. I wish I had the camera ready the moment he realized we were going for a train ride. And his, "Oh YEAH!" with the thumbs up sign was totally perfect.

I sometimes think I was born in the wrong time. I've been to a couple medieval fairs that made me realize how much I love the slower life. I know I enjoy my …
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Your Blog Should Be Green
Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff.
You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas.
However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Welcome to the world Kameron!

If you get a chance, head on over to Kathy's place and welcome her new son, Kameron. He's absolutely beautiful. Congratulations to the whole family.

Christmas cards

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We have obviously fallen out of touch with some friends during the year and I knew I should anticipate inquiries about our new baby since I signed last year's Christmas cards with a premature "Steve & Cathy & Sam & Baby #2." But despite steeling myself for its arrival, the card that was signed, "We expect to see pictures of both your children," really packed a punch. Little tiny landmines in my Christmas cards...

But then there was this incredibly thoughtful gift from a blogosphere friend. Catherine sent us this sweet little snowman angel ornament with Alex's name on it. Thank you so much for thinking of our Alex, Catherine. You are a wonderful friend.

Also in the mail, supplies for a gift for another mommy whose baby was stillborn. I love sending out the bracelets to these women. But it just makes me so sad that there is another mother who is going through this pain and sadness.

So after the adventure in opening our mail, I toddled off to my offic…

Thursday Challenge - Orange

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You can run but you can't hide...revisited

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I had a whole big long feel-sorry-for-me post posted this morning...for about two minutes. Something about how I could run, but the sadness would always find me...lurking around like the morque from The Neverending Story.

blech. Now I even bore myself.

So I deleted it.

I spent the afternoon at the Elks Lodge attending another exciting Continuing Legal Education course on Ethics, Professionalism, and Substance Abuse. It was in the dining area that is smoke free only during the peak dinner hours. The walls have that dull yellow associated with years of smoking visitors during the remaining hours of the day. The carpet retained a stench that literally gave me a headace after the first hour. And I wasn't smart enough to grab a chair by the windows so I could gaze out at the lake. (What is it about Lake Erie...or any body of water really...that makes me feel at peace?) So I spent two and a half hours wishing I had chosen a different seat, or, in the alternative, brought my crocheting o…

a car that's reliable...priceless

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$500 for a new gas tank

$300 for new tires

$550 to repair the brakes

$300 to repair the brake lines

and now...

$1300 to repair my car...AGAIN. It needs a new starter and new gas lines and a new head gasket.

Just when we start to get back on an even keel from having to pay for funeral expenses and missed work, etc...now THIS. I'm so tired of all of it.

I don't want anything extravagent. I just want a car that isn't going to not start and leave me stranded somewhere in the snow. I just want a car that won't blow up if some redneck throws his cigarette out his car window in front of me. I just want a car that doesn't spit out oil and antifreeze at such a rate that it might as well be a noodle strainer. Is that too much to ask?

Why do I ask these questions? Of COURSE it's too much. This is, after all, MY life. It wouldn't be my life if it were easy. No such thing as smooth sailing here.

At this point, I'm going to junk the darn car and buy a different used one. …

Holiday Ten

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In an effort to find SOME holiday spirit in my, I give you the Holiday Ten...feel free to post on your own blog...I'm not into tagging the unwilling. :o)


1. What is your favorite holiday movie?
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation--I can SO relate

2. What is your favorite holiday song (title and artist)?
I'll Be Home for Christmas--I don't know who sings it, but it's on the Christmas Is album my Dad has on vinyl that we would listen to every year when we put up our Christmas tree.

3. What’s the best holiday gift you were ever given, and why?
My bath robes. Two in one year...a comedy of errors. And I just couldn't take either one back because they were both from people I love.

4. Do you have a special someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s?
Steve and Sam

5. Name of your favorite reindeer?
Dasher--He's the first, but he always get's overshadowed by Rudolph...poor guy.

6. Favorite Holiday food?
Pizza! Seriously, we always have pizza on Christma…

Welcome to the world Ava Louise

My boss's newest granddaughter Ava Louise came into the world around 2 am this morning at 7lbs. 10z.

I am, surprisingly, ok with that information. Thanks for asking. Oh, what's that? You didn't ask? OH...that's right...that little tidbit of information might be like a terrorist bomb in my email inbox and you're just too insensitive to realize it...

I'm still ok. So there. (insert me giving Insensitive Receptionist the razzberries here)

Please read

Please take time to read Rachel's post about the mommy blogging phenomenon. She has insight I hadn't considered and she is an amazing wordsmith.

Rate Your Life - Oh Just Great

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This Is My Life, RatedLife:
5.6Mind:
5.2Body:
4.8Spirit:
5.2Friends/Family:
7.4Love:
7.3Finance:
5.8Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Lunch

What IS this Italian Herbs and Cheese bread at Subway I have been missing all this time? A gift from heaven? oooh la la! Yummy in my tummy! I must step "out of the box" every now and again if I can get happy suprises in my mouth like this (get your mind out of the gutter...I can hear you laughing from here).

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed (warning: slightly offensive)

• 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

• 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

• 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

• 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

• 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and.....

• 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

• 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

• 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

• 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

• 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle B…

For the record...

I NEVER said mommy bloggers were shallow or anything of the sort. And I didn't mean to ridicule (pay attention here Mom) or make fun. My point...in case you missed it...is that it's all about BALANCE.

What I said is I AM BORED with all the mommy blather that means nothing. I AM BORED with reading about Johnny's escapades in potty training or how busy the soccer schedule is or...blah, blah, blah. I'm not ridiculing PEOPLE. These are their lives...and more power to them for having happy lives. I'm simply bored with reading BLOGS that don't actually SAY ANYTHING beyond what you can find in a Hallmark greeting card.

I am bored with the seemingly endless stream of nothingness out there. And maybe (and I think I said this), the problem is just that there are so many out there. My problem is that I read Person A's blog on Monday and then read virtually the same thing on Person B's blog on Wednesday. It's boring TO ME. And I would love to know what motivates …

Obsessed with the dead? aka Obsessed Mommies

The blogosphere is filled with them. And in addition to my previously mentioned jealousy, I am experiencing an incredible feeling of boredom and frustration with their sugary sweetness and inspirational insights. They're moms. And they have nothing to say that is of any use to me anymore. I find myself rolling my eyes at the call-Guiness-Johnny-is-a-genius moments they prattle on and on about. Life is hard; and they have to drive their minivan full of living children from soccer practice to dance recitals; and, oh no, they had to eat at McDonalds again, will their children grow up to be fat; and when will they get a moment to themselves; and Christmas is so stressful, do you have your shopping done; and we have such an amazing bond...blah, blah, blah.

I'm BORED! Do mothers really have nothing else to talk about? (Never mind the aforementioned jealousy.) You are seriously putting me to sleep with all this blather. Hallmark could do many a movie of the week with the material you…

I can't take it!

~Christmas music piped into the street by the village in which I work. Once though charming is now literally painful.
~My new mommy coworker who cheerfully said to me, "We haven't put up our Christmas decorations yet, we need to put them up," and looked at me hopefully. This will be my third Christmas here. I was the one who decorated...and everyone made fun of me...laughed at me for being "Martha Stewart" just because I wanted a little holiday cheer. Well, Martha doesn't live here anymore...decorate your own damn office.
~The holiday decorations on every nook and cranny of every retail establishment I go to. Even the freakin Tractor Supply Company has cheery red bows and plastic sparkly snowflakes all over the place.
~The coworker who asked me, "Are you going?" Presumably, I was supposed to know what she was talking about...but I didn't. Why, the Ladies of the Court Christmas Party, of course. She had bought a ticket but wasn't sure if she w…

Priceless moments

We just concluded a twenty minute sing-a-long. The Itsy Bitsy Spider never sounded so out of tune and wonderful.

Another commercial

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A friend at my office, who is also addicted to beads and jewelry making, took my suggestion to find a dragonfly bead and make jewelry (for myself, obviously). She made this necklace and then refused to take money for it. Isn't it beautiful?

If you have a jewelry idea and would like Beth to make something special for you, you can email her at -----------. This necklace of all sterling silver would be $35. She also makes specialty bracelets and watches.