Tuesday, December 13, 2005

and the beat goes on...and on and on and on...

Sam went off to daycare this morning and now the car won't start and the truck is frozen shut. I am, in effect, snowed in. And I thought the universe was out to get me. Funny story though...when the office manager asked me if I was going to take it as vacation or comp it and work tomorrow, I sighed and said, "I really don't care." That's probably not going to win me any professionalism points...but I'm too tired to care.

So now that I've had a good cry about the utter lack of control I have over my own life (yes, these thing snowball into great big hysterical fits all the time), I think I'll spend the day watching soap operas (Steve was able to fix the tv in less than five minutes...show-off), crafting, and maybe eating and drinking too much (don't worry...I plan to indulge in Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi).

Of course, I COULD be spending today with my son (who wanted to stay home...but with DADDY), but I sent him off with a very mature, "Great...fine...bye...have a good day." I think there was a door slam in there too somewhere.

I have seen the future...and it ain't pretty. I am a bitter, angry old woman who is pleased with nothing. I feel sorry for myself over the littlest things. It's not the little things really that bother me...it's the one big thing that I never got past...that thing that could never be made right. All my energy has been sapped and I do nothing but entertain thoughts of how much people don't love me and how alone I feel, even in a crowded room.

I swear, I used to be a happy person. I found joy and light in the simple things. My little job was good enough to feed us and keep me occupied and challenged. I could play with my son for hours and entertain him so easily. My husband and I could laugh and talk for hours. And I only really cried at sappy television commercials like the Folgers coffee Christmas commercial or chick-flick movies like Steel Magnolias. I was happy.

Did I mention I have PMS? Yes, the universe has decided to give me a grand big ole f*** you again today. My eye is twitchy and I'm hungry.


Heather said...

Have any alcohol in the house? I'd say you deserve a stiff drink today. Hang in there. Oh, and *I* love you.

cat said...

Sounds like it is a day for you to pamper yourself. Take that bath you wanted or that drink or whatever it is you need. Curl up in that ball and cry, shake your fist at the sky. It is ok to take the time to be angry and pissed off at the unfairness of all this shit.

Someday... I promise it will look brighter and you will find that person you think you lost. She's there she gives that love to all of us everyday.

*big cheesy internet hugs*

kate said...

Some days it is just *okay* to be bitter and angry and feel sorry for yourself. I *do* suggest a glass of wine (and a bubble bath) rather than that pepsi though....

And as Heather said, we *do* love you, you know! And eventually (sooner rather than later) you will find the joy and light again. Though it will be different.

rach said...

the twitchy eye is the WORST.

my first response was to tell you that you HAVE to be that person again, for Alex.

You will never be that person again, you'll just be different. And that's ok. And PMS sucks.



msfitzita said...

((((((HUGS)))) I used to be a happy person too. But I know it's in there somewhere - it's just harder to find. For some reason we have to work for it now. But I'm willing if you are. :)

And by the way, I would NEVER tell you to shut up!! I appreciate your comments very, very, very much. :)