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Showing posts from July, 2006

The other room

The one conversation we have tactfully tiptoed around is the inevitable one about what to do with "the other room." The plan calls for a three bedroom, three bath home. We will have our 'domain' with our master bath (and our jacuzzi tub). Sam will have his own bedroom (tastefully decorated with all things Thomas the Tank Engine and talking Cars).

We call the other room..."the other room."

It's no longer "the baby's room," since there is no baby to occupy it. The baby's room is going to be wiped away with the demolition of the existing roof and second floor. All that empty space filled with empty hopes and dreams will finally be gone. No...not really gone...since that space will actually be absorbed into the area of 'our domain.' That is poetic somehow, though I can't quite find the appropriate words to describe or explain it.

We are still planning on 'that other room,' because it will increase the value of our house (…

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I did it! I finally reached that point. The point where the husband incredulously says, "MORE plants?" It took me a while, but I got there! I feel as though I've accomplished something. I think it was the fact that I hit WalMart, Home Depot (times two), AND Lowes for the garden center clearances...all within two days. I could have spread it out over a longer period of time and made it less noticeable...but then I would have missed all the good clearance bargains. And I already had a good start on my "Alex garden." So this was a good way to get a start on my "Travis garden." My flower gardens are going to look awesome next year!

The ultimate plan is to do away with the majority of the grass in the front yard and make it all like an English cottage garden with stone paths and gorgeous flowers and plants everywhere. I have only just begun to shop! I am giddy with the planning of it all.

It's going to take some time, but I think it's going to be a f…

We're really doing this

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The plumber came by yesterday and we're all set as far as he is concerned.

So today we made our first purchase...the sinks and the faucets


Mom's funny tears

I was fifteen, almost sixteen, years old and had my learning permit to drive. My mom was the only one to really let me drive with her. I think I was responsible for most of her gray hair appearing around that time. My dad never let anyone else drive (I'm guessing that's where I get most of my control issues). He never had a lot of hair, so I figure it was partly a protect-what-ya-got move on his part.

I remember the Blue Dodge Ram van with the short wheel base. I learned to drive in that thing. Parallel parking on our driveway was my favorite lesson. My mom sitting in the passenger seat reading or crocheting while I maneuvered around the strategically placed rocks...back and forth...an hour at a time. Quality time...lol.

I don't even remember where my mom and I were headed that day. But for the first time ever, mom said, "Why don't you drive it down and meet me at the end of the driveway?" I was thrilled! Our driveway is all of 100 feet long, if that. But to me…

Happy yarn stash busting!

Jessica at Fig and Plum has started a destash and restash flickr group for unloading yarn that you're not going to use...or picking up some good deals on yarn someone else is destashing.

I LOVE the Garden Center at WalMart

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I just got back from the WalMart Garden Center Clearance sale. I spent only $24 on...

Two purple coneflower pots (with several plants in each...they just need separated)


One coreopsis (I think I got pink)


Three more asiatic reds


Two salvia


One white balloon flower


One pink balloon flower


I also stopped in the parking lot to pull out (steal) something purple. I'm sure it's just a weed, but it is really pretty and appears to spread rather prolifically. So I took two...we'll see what happens. (I had to plant them right away since they didn't come in pots...I'll get a picture when there's enough light tomorrow).

And I still have the gift certificate for mail order flowers that my June friends sent me. My flower gardens are taking shape.

Now I just have to get my ass out in the veggie garden for some major renovations (of the garden AND my ass).

And I need to figure out what that purple tree is so I can hunt one down and plant it before the summer gets away from me.

I am not

Usual...Normal...Most...Low risk...Routine...Common

The more time that passes the more the weight of this is getting to me. I feel more freakish as each day passes, rather than less. I'm not healing, but feeling more and more like fresh layers are being painfully peeled back until there is nothing left of me but a bloody mess.
Two nights ago I listened to music for the first time in months. Music is generally off limits for me because it allows room in my brain to think. This was particularly bad because I sat on my bed and looked at my boys' pictures on the wall while I listened. I started to cry and would have fallen apart completely if Sam hadn't come into the room to ask for help with the DVD he was watching.

Yesterday morning I was contemplating the imminent arrival of my period and thought to myself, "I can use tampons for this one....Oh God....I just delivered another dead baby less than three months ago..." I nearly fell to the ground and wept.

Everywhere I …

Welcome to the world baby Natalie!

Your mama's been waiting for you for a long time.

Alysse...I knew you'd get to put those adorable dresses on her. :o)

Much love to the entire family.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Dear Dr. A.

Thanks Dr. A.

I appreciate the information.

One question. When you say it, "should not be an issue going forward," what does that mean? Am I totally immune to this particular virus now? So if exposed during a subsequent pregnancy, the baby would not be at risk?

The reason I ask is because it's entirely possible that wherever I picked it up from is still within my realm of daily activity. Do I need to find a biohazard suit in a maternity size in order to avoid it next time?(sorry...more inappropriate humor)

Thanks again.
Catherine
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Hi, Cathy,

Right---you should be safe from getting it as you have immunity against it---so, no, don't need a space suit...

Also, extremely unlikely that it played a role in both your prior pregnancies; also, it doesn't linger around---you had it, and it's now gone.

Hope this helps,
Dr. A
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Yeah...it helps...it tells me that if there is a freak one in a zillion chan…

One little thing

ok...I know it's stupid and I shouldn't say anything...but if you're going to spend money on an expensive camera, at least figure out how the timer works so you can get pictures of yourself without having to hold the damn camera up in front of a mirror. A mirror?!?! Come on!!! You've got a $2000 camera there...work the timer...give it a try...you can do it...I know you can...that thing came with instructions, right?

gah!

***this interruption in service brought to you by random blog surfing this morning during which I saw THREE blogs with self photos taken in the bathroom mirror with VERY EXPENSIVE cameras. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.**

I win...sort of

The bank realized their mistake and they will compromise and pay out the deposit up front...with a submission of a list of supplies and suppliers the contractor intends to us. My contractor is not happy ("I'm not in the business of letting people look at my books") but he will work with us and my house will be fixed. I'm not sure I want an unhappy contractor working on my house. If all else fails to smooth things over with him, I think I may have to break out the homemade chocolate chip cookies and the tears. Which to try first...?

I finally caught a break! Can you believe it?!?! It must be a festivus miracle!

And (some of) the test results are in...

Hi, Cathy,

Most of the tests are back; the ones that look for an inherited or acquired predisposition to clotting (which can therefore result in losses) are normal---still a few of those pending, though.

The Parvovirus B 19 test was positive. By the IgG antibodies, it showed that you have had this in the past---can't tell how far in the past. This might well be the cause---no way to know for sure, but it becomes a good candidate in the absence of other clues. If this really was causal, should not be an issue going forward.

I'll let you know once the few pending test results are in.

Yours,
Dr. A
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Great.

So I caught something and killed my kid...again.

Just bad luck...again. (The risk of fetal death attributable to acute parvovirus B19 infection during pregnancy is estimated to be less than 10%, ranging from 3 to 38% in different studies.)

I give up.

It's not fair!

I want to kick and scream and rail at the universe. IT'S NOT FAIR! Despite knowing that I don't deserve what I get...despite knowing that there is no universal justice at work...despite knowing that I'm strong and I can survive this and blah, blah, blah...I want to yell it out...IT'S NOT FAIR! I know I sound childish and that's how I feel.

I watched my son throw a temper tantrum this morning because he didn't want to take his allergy medicine. Pouty lips, furrowed brow, arms crossed in defiance across his chest, dropping to sit cross legged on the floor...I didn't want to be the mom and overcome this obstacle. I wanted to join him. No...I wanted to BE him.

It's not fair that all I have of my boys is ultrasound and dead baby photos. I cherish those photos and hate them all at the same time. They are my boys. But they are all I will ever have of my boys.

It's not fair that they will never get to do ANYTHING. No smiles, no tears, no booboos to kiss, no s…

When bad days get worse

The bank called. No good story ever begins with "the bank called." The bank called and they all of a sudden have a problem with the financing arrangement we worked out with our contractor.

Yep. We closed last night...signed on the dotted line...and it was apparently the first time the bank guy actually read the paperwork. Right there, in black and white, is our arrangement. He has had a copy of that page for almost a month now. But today our equity limits "are maxed out" and they won't front the money to purchase supplies. He wants the contractor to buy supplies and submit for reimbursement. Which would have been a fine deal to make...BEFORE WE SIGNED THE DAMN DEAL! It would have been fine if it had been mentioned sooner than A WEEK BEFORE WE WERE SCHEDULED TO START TEARING OUR DAMN HOUSE APART!

***edited to add***
We have a very small company doing our work. They do not have lines of credit all over town. They just started a similar job and got 50% up front. Our…

"This is definitely a blog post"

The fateful words every blogger loves to hear muttered by their spouse while arguing with their four-year-old in the car on the way to work in the morning...completely takes the wind out of any argument and reduces said blogger to exasperated laughter.

Let me set the scene...

Me: "I was thinking that for the duration of the construction, we should take Sam's bed apart and put it in the basement. That way we could put the armoire in our room and have some extra storage space since we'll most likely have to empty my closet."

Steve: "That's a good idea."

Sam: "But I don't want to take my bed apart."

Me: "But you don't sleep in it...you sleep in our bed. So we're going to take it apart and you'll just have to stay in our bed until your room is done."

Sam: "But I don't waaaant toooo."

Me: "I asked you to sleep in your bed and you said no...you wanted to snuggle with me in our bed...you won't sleep in your b…

Miscellaneous Thoughts

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My sister and her husband participate in a local farmer's coop. Each year, the arrival of their magical box of fresh produce coincides with their visit home. So we are the lucky recipients of a small crop of bok choy, beets, and other assorted strange veggies. This year we enjoyed a fresh coleslaw made with fresh cabbage. And I have fresh garlic that is so potent I can smell it through the ziploc baggie it currently resides in. Yummy! I love the magical box of fresh produce! Thanks Rebecca!
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I love sunflowers. I have none. I must rectify that situation.
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The mosquitoes are apparently enjoying the warm weather. I'm surprised Sam has any blood left in him with all the bites he has on his legs. I'm thinking I'm going to have to bring out the big guns soon and use the old reliable OFF with DEET.
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I'm seriously shopping for doorknobs and…

Songs to make me cry

God Only Cries - Diamond Rio

On an icy road one night
A young man loses his life
They marked the shoulder with a cross
And his family gathers round
On a piece of Hallowed ground
Their hearts are heavy with their loss
As the tears fall from their eyes
There's one who'll always sympathise

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
And all the angels up in Heaven,
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place than
Mmm, baby, than, oh
God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home

It still makes me sad
When I think of my Granddad
I miss him each and every day
But I know the time will come
When my own gradnson
Wonders why I went away
Maybe we're not meant to understand
'Til we meet up in the Promised Land

God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
And all the angels up in Heaven
They're not gr…

Weekend sunshine

It's so easy to forget. How's that for irony? But I do forget. Not that they're gone, but that they were ever alive.

Steve and Sam and I spent a delightful afternoon with my friend Mary and her family (pictures will follow this evening). Mary has a husband named Greg and two beautiful children...Gabi, 4, and Ray, 6 weeks. Mary and I have been "online friends" for four (or five?) years. We went through our first pregnancies, first babies, unemployment, presidential election, relocation, new jobs, and second pregnancies...via email and a message board that we both belong to.

Mary is what my mom calls a kindred spirit. Her easygoing kindness has always been one of the things that attracts me to her. Mary is the kind of person that cares about how to give someone a hand up, rather than a judgmental push back down. She is an amazing poet and her words never cease to amaze me, whether in composition or a brief email. She understands more about the human spirit than jus…

Let the demolition begin

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The before...

Imagine the second floor on the left side of the house will be taller and there will be a second floor across the top of the right side of the house (where there currently is only a roof). The enclosed front porch will be converted to an open front porch with a porch swing.

The very first hole in our upstairs closet. We had to locate our fireplace chimney. I am soooo ready for this to get started!

Vacation pics

OK...so it wasn't a vacation per se...but pictures are up here of our trip to Detroit last weekend.

Thank you Rachel!

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You're the best! I'm going to save it for when my jacuzzi tub is installed in my new master bath. :o)

I opened it after Sherry commented. It smells AMAZING!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Things to do...places to go...people to see...

I'm getting the itch again to break out the yarn in serious fashion. I started looking at yarns on eBay yesterday and almost purchased some. I was only stopped by the email from our bank loan officer attempting to finalize our home remodel loan. So...this weekend is going to be some serious stash-busting. I still have that alpaca/angora yarn I got locally. And I have some silk yarn I got with a gift certificate from my secret pal during the last round (I think it was SP7). It's a real pretty deep red color. I think it might turn itself into a shawl of some sort.

Of course, all this crocheting or knitting will have to wait until I get all the breakables in my home packed up...and get the second floor cleaned out for demolition day. It's going to be weird taking down the crib...but that's a post for another day (most likely after the emotional breakdown I'm going to have. I mean, I've GOT to share all the ugly details, right?).

So I'm going to be turbo cleaning…

And the socks are off!

I sent off the watermelon socks today. And I sent out the sock exchange letters to those who requested them (except one that I'm still waiting to hear from, but she's on the other side of the world, so I've gotta give her time to catch up to us...or for us to catch up to her...who the hell knows). Happy sock exchange everyone!

And no, this will not be the last post about socks. I'll have to blog about each and every pair that comes my way. I know, I know...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Get over it. Socks are cool!

(Now I just need to learn how to knit or crochet socks...now THAT would be cool!)

The pediatrician survived

I forgot to tell you that I did not confront the pediatrician. But only because I was trying not to laugh in his face. He was so clueless about life things that truly matter...while being dead serious about the importance of wearing a helmet while biking and getting Sam into swim lessons before he's five years old. I'm not kidding. I almost laughed right in his face. I think I may have even snorted a time or two in an effort to disguise my amusement. And Sam didn't help me much when he looked at the Dr. and said, "You've gotta be kidding me." bwa ha ha ha...out of the mouths of babes.

But the doc's good with Sam and he does a good job with Sam's physical healthcare...taking care of his breathing issues and his infant heart murmur well above the standard of care. So we'll keep him. We just won't ask him for any mental health or emotional wellbeing advice about our child. Because apparently once we start dealing with the brain, this doctor is no …

Welcome to the world Baby Hollie

Hollie Margaret entered the world on 7/19/06. Born into the most wonderfully loving family. With a mom that has been my "best friends forever" friend since elementary school.

Birth Time: 11:05 pm
Weight: 7 lbs 14 oz
Length: 21 in.

CONGRATULATIONS mama! I love you and wish you all the best (you better invite me for a visit before she gets too big).

(I can't believe that baby is already on the web...before the end of her first day even!)

Can I make a shameless plea that everyone comment on this email. Sherri reads this blog and I'd love for her to see all your congratulations when she returns. Thanks!

For some of my friends

Tonight I'm thinking thoughts of friends...

Sherri M who is supposed to be holding her baby daughter right about now.

Jaye who is in the hospital with a mystery illness.

Treggles :o)

Ann who is facing an uncertain future...again.

I love you all and I hope for the best for all of you.

Dear Dr. A.

Dr. A:

Just wanted to let you know that I went to the lab yesterday afternoon and, after the lab techs figured out whether they could do "fancy coag tests," I had my blood drawn (all 10+ vials! eek!).

Thanks again.

Catherine

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Hi, Cathy,
Yep, a lot of blood---checking for a lot of things...
Will let you know as the results start filtering in...
Take care,
Dr. A.

She did not just say that

I dribbled two small spots of stromboli grease on the front of the lilac silk blouse I'm wearing today. I went to the bathroom/kitchenette area down the hall to wash it off with some paper towel and dishwashing soap (the magic cure for getting out grease I'm told).

I was laughing about it with the woman who has an office right off that area, "Of course, now I'll have a soapy left boob all day."

She laughed and said, "They'll all just think you're leaking."

Why doesn't she just grab an office-approved plastic knife and stab me through the heart with it?!?!

The grease better come out of my blouse.

shhhh...there's a secret

...over at Treggles' place.

I wasn't expecting that

Here I am, toodling along in life, thinking I'm such hot shit and all healed and healthy and all that nonsense. I go in to the lab to have my blood drawn and nearly have not one, but two meltdowns.

First, Steve takes pity on my sore ankle (which I re-hurt yesterday tripping on an entry rug at my office) and drops me at the door of the lab where they're going to draw my blood and do tests to figure out why my babies keep dying inside of me. Holy shit that's an awful sentence to type...to even think. But it's the hard truth, so I might as well get used to it, right? Anyway...I hop out of the minivan that I hate, close the door, take a step back to allow Steve to drive the minivan past, look to the left to see if there are any more cars coming, and see Dr. I (the doctor who delivered Travis).

Like any self-assured, healed and healthy woman would do, I looked down at my feet and hobbled into the building just as fast as humanly possible. What the hell?!?!? A smile and a hel…

I have peas!

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And they are YUMMY!

If nothing else

You must read this post by Amalah!

Of course it helps if you watch Blues Clues in secrecy...and are a little addicted to LOST.

Too funny.

Too funky?

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I don't think the person I'm sending socks to reads my blog, so I feel pretty free to post these here. What do you think? Stupid? I was going to go more tame and send something that might have a chance in hell of actually being worn. But these just spoke to me. Tell me...too funky? Should I go back and get the more normal ones? Oh the decisions...!

good news v. bad news

I told Dr. A to set it up and today I'm going for all the bloodwork that will hopefully reveal with is wrong with me.

It's strange to think that I should be pregnant at this moment. I am so emotionally far removed from that experience right now that I can barely believe it. I don't put much stock in the "should have beens" anymore. I think of them now as "might have beens." But now I think of all the might have beens in my life and I feel very very small and powerless. But forcing myself to think about this at this particular moment has made me feel...well...strange. I should be worrying about serial ultrasounds and possible amnios to check for lung maturity...in an effort to manage my pregnancy. Manage my pregnancy...ha...that's funny now. But I don't have any of that. I have, in its place, the worry of what is wrong within my body. What "thing" lurks there? And will it reveal itself?

It's weird waiting for bad news. So much differe…

In all seriousness

If you might want to play the sock exchange, email your snail mail address to me at Kate94651@hotmail.com and I'll send you the letter. Otherwise I'm going to have to draft the ladies at work (and my family...hehehe).

I've got two people signed up...Sherri (who is due to give birth this week) and Dawn (hi Dawn, you lurker you).

For those who want to know more...Here are the "rules."

You get a letter that says:
This is a Funky Sock Exchange! Please send a unique pair of Ladies size socks to the person whose name is listed on the number one space below (there are two spaces). Then move my name up to the number one position and put your name in the number two spot. Only your name and my name should be on the list when you sent out the letter. I have enclosed a blank letter for copying. Please fillout the letter and sent it to six friends.

This is not a chain letter (yes it is). It is just for fun! If you cannot do this within 5 days, let me know so that it will be fair t…

If anybody wants to contribute

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I am accepting donations to pay for my vacation trip* to the Canary Islands and Madeira, Gibraltar, and the Algarve (featuring a seven-night cruise aboard the deluxe M.S. Le Diamant).
*Case Western Alumni




Someday...

Feeling good? Open the mailbox

I hate Pampers.

That's all.

**edited to add**

In the interest of fairness...

I hate Huggies and Luvs too.

And Gerber.

Computer memory

I just accessed a memo that I haven't used since May 4, 2006. My Dad's Birthday. Four days before all hell broke loose yet again in my life.

It's strange to think about what I was thinking on the day I last used that memo and hit SAVE.

huh...weird.

Surprise surprise

Are you treating other human beings with respect, kindness, and honesty?

I would have to say I have fallen short on this one. It seems it's so easy to fall into the "woe is me" trap and EXPECT to be treated a certain way. And then, when you're not treated that way, to bitch and moan about it. To criticize. To mock. It's so easy, when you're grieving, to think of yourself as the worse off person in the group. But are you? Do you know every single little thing that is going on around you? Do you know if the person next to you just lost a loved one? If they are sick and dying? Do you know it all?

During the last couple of months, some things have been brought home to me time and time again. I have been loathe to admit them because I've been so angry and frustrated with the way my life has turned out. But the fact is that I have not used respect toward many (including my darling husband). I have lost some of my kindness in my feeling sorry for myself. And my ho…

I appreciate the kindness

There was just a moment of hesitation, just a brief pause. Most people wouldn't have noticed it. But me...with my guard up all the time to protect me against the world...I noticed it.

"Todd is home. I guess his wife...[pause]...is due to deliver any day."

In that brief moment in time, I could almost hear him thinking, "Where do I go from here? How do I finish this sentence? Have I said the wrong thing? Have I unintentionally caused pain?"

In less time than it takes to blink, I learned the depths of your kindness. I discovered the love you hold in your heart...the empathy for others.

In a second, the anger at insensitivity was washed away and replaced with a respect for you...a wish that I learn from your example.

All it took was a pause...a hesitation...here and gone faster than most would recognize.

Thank you. My day is just a bit brighter because you paused.

Competitive nature

I have fallen behind the curve. I'm not pregnant. I'm not trying to get pregnant. I don't even want to be pregnant. And it's not grief that's making me say these things.

I'm rather enjoying having my body back, such that it is. I walk with a limp, but it's a darn sight better than the waddling with a limp I would surely be doing about this time had Travis lived. I don't have aches and pains except for my ankle. And I can take extra extra strength motrin for that ankle pain without fear of creating a two-headed child. I can drink when and what I want. And I do. I lay around in the evening and feel physically good in this heat wave. This morning I put on a skirt that would have been impossible to wear had my stomach been sporting a third trimester bulge. There are no leaking breasts to worry about when I dress myself. Life is good.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. A lot.

And there is still a competitive streak in me that feels like compared to ever…

Sock swap?

Anyone want to join a funky sock exchange? I've got to send it to six people and I would prefer six willing participants. The plan is that you're supposed to get 36 pairs of socks for the price of one. Heck, if I even get one pair of socks as a return on my investment it will have been worth the fun. What do ya say? Wanna swap socks?

What Kind of Empath Are You?

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What Kind of Empath Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com You scored as Shaman. You are a Shamanic Empath. You are at one with nature and can speak with animal/plant life. Your powers come from the Sun & the Moon, and the elements. The weather moves with your mind and all of nature is at your beck and call. (from The Book of Storms by Jad Alexander at MySilentEcho.com)


(If only I could conjure up some control over my OWN BODY!) grrrrr

Did you know that grrrrrr-ing is very "healthy?" It is. So there.

Update - The New Yorker

Willa Raeburn: Born May 22, 2006
by Daniel Raeburn
Issue of 2006-07-10 and 17
Posted 2006-07-03

Around Christmas, 2004, my daughter, Irene, died in the final days of her gestation. My wife, Rebekah, decided not to have Irene’s body removed by Cesarean section but instead to go through labor and delivery. She knew that this would give her a slightly better chance at carrying a baby successfully to term in the future. She delivered. Stunned, we carried on. The worst that could happen had already happened, and so, in a sense, we could no longer be afraid. Or so we thought.

Nine months after the stillbirth, Rebekah discovered that she was pregnant again. Almost nine long months after that discovery, her belly was as hard and freckled as a farm egg. The baby was in the breech position, and Rebekah was scheduled for a Cesarean. The appointed day dawned purple, as though the earth, holding its breath, were about to burst.

As I secured our empty infant carrier in the back seat of our car, a neighbo…

Top 10 Best Places to Live

1 Fort Collins, CO
2 Naperville, IL
3 Sugar Land, TX
4 Columbia/Ellicott City, MD
5 Cary, NC
6 Overland Park, KS
7 Scottsdale, AZ
8 Boise, ID
9 Fairfield, CT
10 Eden Prairie, MN

I have been to Naperville, IL, but none of the other places. It's nice...a bit too yuppie for my tastes...but nice.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

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(apologies to Glenda the good witch)

I'm reading a new book. Simple Wicca. I think it was the girlie bright pink cover that made me buy this book. Or maybe it was the line on page three that says,

Growing up, whenever my family went to church (a sporadic event at best), I remember sitting in the pew and feeling the most tremendous case of displacement, almost of despair, wondering what in the world was wrong with me. I love churches themselves, their structure and ambiance, the softly glowing windows, the candlelight, the hush of reverence. But as I got older the strange sadness grew, and I realized it wasn't that something was wrong-something was missing.

Wicca helped me name that something. It wasn't enough for me to sit and listen to someone else tell me about God. I wanted to know God personally, to feel and sing and celebrate with Him, to speak my words and, most important, to experience the answer.
I don't know anything about Wicca, but I can definitely understand …

So much

I have had an unbelievable weekend. I wouldn't have ever chosen such a weekend for myself had my sons not died. That's an honest truth. Strangely enough that honestly sad truth is no longer devestating. It is what it is...and I can appreciate it for just that.

As I sat at the kitchen table last night with Catherine and Sarah, two amazingly beautiful women, I was struck by something I had heard at the Compassionate Friends National Conference a day earlier. We parents of dead children tend to spend so much time longing for what we lost, feeling sad, angry, guilty, whatever. And that's ok. But we can (and maybe should) spend some time each day thinking about those people and things that have come into our lives BECAUSE our children died. And maybe, we can even feel a little bit grateful for them. And I do.

Let me tell you about Catherine...the other Catherine. :o) She makes you feel as though you have been friends forever. She's a master gardener with a wicked sense of hu…

Welcome to the world Eleanor Grace!

Congratulations NK! Best wishes for today and forever.

More from Dr. A.

I feel like this is an ongoing column. "Dear Dr. A."

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Dr. A:

Thanks. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. And I really appreciate your kindness. Just so you know...I'm not really trying to make a decision at this point...just gathering information. I am, by nature, a researcher.

I am a bit confused how a blood thinner would have anything to do with a uterine infection. I mean, I understand that infection can cause inflammation which can, in turn, prevent oxygen exchange with the fetus. But what about the infection itself? I'd really like to know what's going on in my own body...and then worry about how it might affect a pregnancy. I read about viral infections and they all sound pretty nasty. Is there an infection lurking about in my uterus just waiting to pounce? (sorry...morbid humor gets me through the days some days). I mean, do I have something I should worry about? Or is it "just" chronic inflam…

So small

Last night I was out looking for the lost rescue dog, Josie, again. The search has been frustrating and sad. She's out there somewhere...alone...in the rain...without someone to love her. I was really feeling discouraged about the whole thing. I was beginning to think suck sarcastic and skeptical thoughts. And then two things happened.

First, someone said, "I know this sounds crazy, but if it gives hope then we might as well try it." For some reason, that resonated within me and I regained my strength and my sense of humor about the whole thing. (Damn dog. Gonna make me crazy. I find her, I'm gonna wring her scrawny little neck.)

Also yesterday Steve and I drove home from work last night past the scene of a creek rescue. Human beings teetered on the edge of life and death right there at the bend in the road. Some fell on the side of life...and one fell on the side of death. It was all so random...who lives and who dies. It was all so random...where these things happen…

I haven't learned anything

I found out a friend had a miscarriage in late May. She didn't tell me until now because she was worried about me. I think part of it was that she wasn't ready to tell either...but that's neither here nor there. The more fascinating thing to come out of this is that I am STILL completely clueless. You'd think I'd have the right words by now. But nooooo...I'm still a bumbling idiot. I hope I haven't said the wrong things to her. God knows I don't want to make her feel any worse.

There is so much I WANT to say to her. Like how you don't have to weigh your loss against other people. Like how it's ok to feel sad about the lost should-have-beens. Like how it's ok to not feel sad too. Like how I wish so much that this hadn't happened to her. But I don't want to overstep and cross that line into 'none of your damn business.'

Maybe she'd rather pretend it never happened. Maybe she'd like to analyze it to death. I don't kn…
Hell, who wouldn't want to see what it looks like in their uterus?

Uh...me.

A conversation between two idiots

L: "I'm returning your call from...whenever it was that you called."

Me: "Did you go on a vacation or something?"

L: "No, I've been dealing with the same stuff you've been dealing with...funerals and such...my sister passed on after her long battle..."

Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry." (thinking, "God, am I an idiot.")

L: "Well, I guess that's just...the circle of life or something." (said as though he's heard the platitudes and doesn't believe them either)

Me: "I guess...but it still sucks."

L: "Yeah. Now we worry about my mom. Nobody should outlive their kids, that's for sure."

Me: "Yeah, tell me about it." (thinking, "God HE's an idiot)

Happy Third Trimester

I know it's morose and probably more than a little morbid to track a pregnancy that is no longer. I know it's incredibly sad to monitor the death of a dream in days and weeks and trimesters. I know it's not really healthy to think so much about what should have been. I know all these things, yet I can't help myself. Yesterday would have marked the beginning of the third trimester. But instead, Travis is two months gone. I can barely wrap my mind around it all.

It generally hurts less. Or maybe I'm so desensitized to the pain that it hurts the same but I just don't notice. It generally hurts like a bruise. You know it's there, but it doesn't really bother you until something brushes against it. So everything I feel is there, gently aching just beneath the surface until something reminds me of what should be. And even in the should be's there is conflict. In wishing for one, I dismiss the other. In wishing for Alex, Travis disappears. In wishing for Tr…