IRL

I was talking this weekend with some friends "from the computer" (that one's for Shanna's dad). Truth is, these particular friends...this group of women...saved my life. I don't say that to be melodramatic. I say it because it is the truth. When I felt like I couldn't take one more step, they were there with the words I needed to hear..."It WILL get better. I don't know when or how...but it WILL get better." 

During our conversation, however, I made a mistake. And today, as I was processing it all, I remembered. I remembered how I first came to know this amazing world of the blog people. 

The day I came home from the hospital, I scoured the internet and searched for an answer. Why did this happen to us? to our Baby Alex? And then I found this post. 

"Orson was born in room 15 of MacDonald Women's Hospital, Second floor. Zelda was born in 16. And Calvin in 17. A trifecta." Just a few days after Alex was stillborn in room 17 at MacDonald Women's Hospital...and just four years after Calvin was stillborn in room 17 at MacDonald Women's Hospital...this stranger was welcoming a living son to the world. I greedily soaked up his words and followed the links of the people who commented on his posts. 

I fell down the rabbit hole. 

I was crazed and unkempt...and I didn't care. 

The people I encountered as a result of my rabid googling could have turned me away. But they didn't. 

And once a year, round about this time, I feel like I should thank them for that...thank YOU for everything. 

So...

Thank you to all the people who have come out of my computer and made such a difference in my life. I love you and I can never ever ever repay you for all that you have done for me.

The truth hurts (warning: graphic post)

7/12/07
I have been inspired by Niobe to verbalize some awful truths about myself. I have been thinking about it for over a year now...have tiptoed around it...but haven't really put it into words for anyone but my husband.

When Alex died, I was devastated. But looking back on it now, I can see that it was more shock and emptiness than it was grief over an actual child. I knew very little about him as a person so I didn't have personality characteristics to miss. Yes, there were memories of him...but they were all tied to the big P...pregnancy. There was no independent memories of him. I did not mourn HIM so much as I mourned the lost dreams I had FOR him. I remember the doctor's visit, the ride to my parent's house, the ride to the hospital and all the little steps toward letting go of those dreams. And with each step, I didn't mourn for Alex as much (if at all) as I mourned for me and Steve and Sam.

I also suffered from extreme shock. Things like stillbirth don't happen to people like me. I lost my innocence. I lost my ability to look at my life as fully beautiful. I had lived a charmed life up until that moment. Sure, bad things happened around me and I felt sadness. But it was outside of my existence and I was always able to move on. Bad things didn't happen TO me. This ugliness had pounced on me when I least expected it and I was...in a word...flattened.

But the truth is, I was repulsed by the idea that I had carried a dead baby around inside me. When Alex was first born I looked over to see them lifting his body into the bassinet, but I couldn't really see him because I didn't have my glasses on. I only saw a blurry image...his arms limp and hanging out to his sides, his legs limp with one hanging loosely over the other, and all his dark hair. When I did have an opportunity, I couldn't even look at him. I sent him away from the room for HOURS while I slept. He was not my baby...not my son. He was nothing more than a dead body to me. And I couldn't look at him.

After the man from the coroner's office came to speak to us at 3 in the morning and after I ate the best tasting turkey sandwich I had ever had in my life...only then did I allow my curiosity to get the better of me and ask to see my son's dead body. I slept and I ate a sandwich! And I enjoyed the sandwich! What kind of monster am I? Shouldn't I FEEL something other than these things?

The next morning I did ask to see Alex again. I don't know why. It felt like something I was supposed to do (And I've always been one to do what is expected of me). I made sure to keep him tightly wrapped so I didn't have to see what death had done to his body. Not because it made me sad, but because it made me sick to my stomach. Before I had them take him away, I kissed him on the cheek. To this day, I wish I hadn't. It was nothing more than a cold dead body. It was a million years from the warmth of the squirming bundle I had imagined so many times during my pregnancy.

And with Travis...
It still seems odd to say his name. In fact, I make efforts not to say his name outside of this blog because I don't FEEL anything for Travis. He didn't have a name. He didn't have an identity. We had just found out he was a boy. We gave him a name because we felt like we had to...like we should (and again, schoolgirl guilt dictated my actions).

Worse than that, most of what I do feel when I think of Travis is selfish. Embarrassment, anger, shame, horror, stupidity. There is no shock. There is just how "this" affected me and Steve and Sam. I have, at times, wished Travis never existed. I look at the pictures we took of him (and us) in the hospital and I marvel at how disconnected I look...at how disconnected I still feel. I have to really LOOK at his pictures to even conjure up a hint of recognition. This was my child? The thought repulses me to some degree.

When I think of my "grief" I think of it as being two years old. I am a veteran and I am "past" much of the hard stuff. I don't think of the "grief" as being refreshed just one year ago today. I just don't. I must admit that I often forget about last year altogether. And this makes me think even more that the "grief" I felt wasn't at all about either of my babies...but was entirely about me and how I had to shift my view of my reality. I am not sad like my friend who lost her mother. I do not miss them. How could I? They were never even born! I do occasionally find myself thinking about what Alex would look like now...comparing what might have been to reality. But I find that to be more about the three of us...me, Steve and Sam. How would WE be different?

I sadly admit that I discount my babies every day. And there is shame in that because I feel as though I'm a fraud...and have been a fraud...since the day we couldn't find Alex's heartbeat.

4/26/10
Three years that post set there in draft form. Three years and the only reason I post it now is because there is so much more horror to add. There won't ever be a pencil portrait of my last baby. Not even an awful hospital Polaroid of its dead body. And after it was over, I ate cottage cheese and vegetable soup...and I keep eating cottage cheese and vegetable soup now as if that will do something...I'm not sure what.

We don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, but we have it cremated and sitting on top of our electric fireplace in our living room. How fucking ridiculous is this?!?!

And I'll be honest, I don't even know if what I feel is sadness because the baby is dead or sadness because I failed again. Every life is precious...blah, blah, blah. But what was it? In the end, it was no more than another tiny dead body inside my belly...a dead body that didn't have the courtesy to exit the premises when it was done watching me jump through meaningless hoops.

Yes, there was hope and love and some measure of peace. And now there is none of that and I still feel death. And who will dare tell me that I shouldn't worry now? Who will be bold enough to suggest I am not cursed...that I have paid my dues...that there is nothing more to fear? Who in their right mind can say that I even have a chance at moving on from this place?

And I wonder...how do I even know? How do I know I won't walk out in front of a bus? or drink myself into oblivian? How do I know I'm strong enough THIS time? I've not done this before. Something similar, maybe....but maybe THIS is the last straw.

And what if I simply fall asleep and never wake up?

No increased psychological risk for subsequent child

Stillbirth Not an Issue for Next-Born
No increased psychological risk for subsequent child: study

FRIDAY, July 10 (HealthDay News) -- Children born after their mother has a stillbirth aren't at increased risk for psychological problems, according to a British study.

Stillbirth can cause serious mental stress for parents, and some research had suggested that a child born after a stillbirth may be psychologically vulnerable, according to background information in a news release about the study.

The study included 52 first-time mothers whose previous pregnancy had ended in stillbirth and 51 first-time mothers who hadn't experienced stillbirth. The mothers were followed from pregnancy until their children were 6 to 8 years old.

The researchers found no significant differences between the two mother/child groups in terms of child cognitive or health assessments, or in teacher-rated child difficulties. However, mothers who had suffered a stillbirth were more critical of their children and reported more child difficulties, in particular problems with their peers.

"Whether this was because previous loss of a child renders some mothers more sensitive to aspects of their children's behavior that cause them concern, or whether there is real variation in the child's behavior is unclear," study lead author Dr. Penelope Turton of St. George's University of London, said in the news release.

The study was published July 8 in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

"We are continuing to follow this group of mothers and children and will follow up again once the children reach adolescence," Turton said.

"This type of study is very important in helping midwives, health visitors and doctors to provide psychological care for both parents after a stillbirth and in the next pregnancy; while the severity of grief usually diminishes over the first one to two years, some mothers continue to experience more intense or prolonged grief and we need to know what long-term effects this can have," she added.

More information
The March of Dimes has more about coping with pregnancy and newborn loss.

-- Robert Preidt

SOURCE: The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, news release, July 8, 2009

Good to know.

Thank you Newsweek

Web exclusive dated January 31, 2009: Family Portraits, by Claudia Kalb

From the magazine issue dated Feb 9, 2009: A Vast and Sudden Sadness, by Claudia Kalb

Always running late

We only have until tomorrow at 6pm.

If you wouldn't mind...vote this idea up...for us.

C-section study

This is interesting.

I am bothered by this...
The study only looked at live births, and didn't account for the small risk of the fetus dying while waiting to reach 39 weeks, Greene said. That risk has been estimated up to 1 in 1,000, he said.

Of interest

Exhale
A Literary Magazine for Intelligent People Who Have Lost a Baby, Or Have Trouble Making Babies in the First Place.

Exhale is a unique new literary magazine written for & by ordinary people who have faced extraordinary obstacles to getting/staying knocked up, or who have experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth. Exhale is published solely online.

Exhale is a space for creative expression. We seek out the gritty humor and
complexities of discovering that producing a child isn't as easy as your mother told you. Without succumbing to the belief that a person's self-worth and happiness are defined reproductive achievement, we recognize and validate the vast array of perspectives and emotions associated with pregnancy/infant loss and infertility issues.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir, by Elizabeth McCracken

ELIZABETH MCCRACKEN
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

September 9, 2008 at 9:24 AM EDT

Perhaps it goes without saying that I believe in the geographic cure. Of course you can't out-travel sadness. You will find it has smuggled itself along in your suitcase. It coats the camera lens, it flavours the local cuisine. In that different sunlight, it stands out, awkward, yours, honking in the brash vowels of your native tongue in otherwise quiet restaurants. You may even feel proud of its stubbornness as it follows you up the bell towers and monuments, as it pants in your ear while you take in the view. I travel not to get away from my troubles but to see how they look in front of famous buildings or on deserted beaches. I take them for walks. Sometimes I get them drunk. Back at home we generally understand each other better.

So at the end of February, when I was seven months pregnant, we took the train from Albany to New Orleans, where I'd been invited to give a reading. …

At a reception that week, I was chatting with the exceptionally lovely, soft-spoken woman who'd donated the money for the program that had brought me there. We sat in folding chairs against a wall, a few feet from the buffet table. Just small talk. She asked me how my pregnancy was going. Then she said, “I was so sorry when I heard about your first child. My first child was stillborn, too.”

My heart kicked on like a furnace. Suddenly tears were pouring down my face.

“Oh no!” said the woman. “I didn't mean for that to happen!”

I laughed and grabbed some napkins from the table and tried to explain myself, though even now it's hard to find the words. What came over me was gratitude and an entirely inappropriate love. I didn't know the woman, but I loved her. I'd felt the same thing meeting another couple on campus, a professor and his wife who'd written me when Pudding died to send condolences and to say that they'd had a daughter who was stillborn nearly 30 years before.

All I can say is, it's a sort of kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief. On this branch the lost children, on this the suicided parents, here the beloved mentally ill siblings. When something terrible happens, you discover all of a sudden that you have a new set of relatives, people with whom you can speak in the shorthand of cousins.

Twice now I have heard the story of someone who knows someone who's had a stillborn child since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do not to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just so that I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This does not have to be a secret.

That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visible: Daughters and sons. First cousins. The neighbour kid. The first child. The last child. Your older brother. Some of their names have been forgotten; some never had names in the first place. They disappeared under heaps of advice. Don't dwell. Have another child, a makeup baby. Life is for the living. But then another baby dies, and here they are again, in stories, and you will love them all, and – if you are the mother of a dead child yourself – they will keep coming to you. A couple I know just lost their baby. And you will know that your lost child has appeared somewhere else in the world. I know a couple …

All those dead children. Who knows what they want?

In our better moments, we surely understand that the dead do not need anything. Afterlife, no afterlife: the dead have their needs taken care of. Oh, but isn't wanting things something else again, and don't we talk about it all the time. It's what he would have wanted. Her last wishes. Thank God for the dead; thank God someone is capable of making a decision in the worst of times: He would have liked it that way.

But a baby. Who's to say? Babies are born needing everything. They're a state of emergency. That's what they're for. Dead, there's nothing we can do for them, and we don't know what they'd want, we can't even guess. I can pretend that I knew Pudding. No, I did know him, not with my brain but with my body, and yet I know nothing about him, not even the simplest thing: I have no idea of what he'd want. And so in my grief I understand that mourning is a kind of ventriloquism; we put words into the mouths of our bereavers, but of course it's all entirely about us, our wants, our needs, the dead are satisfied, we are greedy, greedy, greedy, unseemly, self-obsessed. If your child did not survive his birth, everyone can see that clearly. I want. I need. Not him. No pretending.

I thought stillbirth was a thing of history, and then it happened to me, and yet now when I hear of a baby dying I'm just as incredulous. You mean they still haven't figured this out? I want to hear about every dead baby, everywhere in the world. I want to know their names, Christopher, Strick, Jonathan. I want their mothers to know about Pudding.

The dead don't need anything. The rest of us could use some company.

From the book An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir, by Elizabeth McCracken. Copyright © 2008 by Elizabeth McCracken. Reprinted with permission of Little, Brown and Company, New York. All rights reserved.

(I copied this from the Globe and Mail so that it will be here when, in time, the Globe and Mail deletes it from their server. It shouldn't get lost and I want it to be a part of my archives here. I will be seeking out this book, for sure.)

Thanks to Kristen for pointing this article out.

Edited to add a link to the excerpt in O Magazine.

New York Legislators Kill Bill for Grieving Mothers

Albany, NY (June 26, 2008) --- SB8960 would have helped to provide much-needed comfort, dignity, and accurate documentation to women and their families experiencing the death of a baby just prior to or during birth. Yet, despite overwhelming support from individual legislators, including 53 Democrat and Republican sponsors, a powerful minority of reproductive rights activist legislators have “killed the bill” as of 11:00 p.m. on the last day of session.

All states, including New York, wherein nearly 2000 babies are stillborn each year, require the family to pay for funeral expenses, and a death certificate/report is issued after a stillbirth. Yet, New York, unlike 23 other states, will not offer women the choice of a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. During a presidential election year, when women’s choices are a top priority for candidates, this topic is highly provocative.

“There is an enormity to this public health issue,” says Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, an expert in traumatic child death. “More than ten times the number of babies die of stillbirth than those who die of SIDS, yet it’s virtually invisible.” Part of the problem, according to grieving parents, Jeff and Lori Tieger of Staten Island, is that families experiencing stillbirth have been silenced due to abortion politics. On June 15th, the Tieger’s held an important Father’s Day Press Conference on the steps of the New York legislature, where they also had a brief conversation with Speaker Sheldon Silver who assured grieving parents personally that, “We’re moving your bill.”

However, by the end of session that day, the bill was being held for consideration due to vociferous opposition from Helene Weinstein (D-Brooklyn). Yet, Weinstein's own county is in the top three in all of New York for stillbirth rates where one in 92 births results in stillbirth. “Assemblywoman Weinstein did not act on behalf of her constituents. She attended to the demands of large lobbying organizations supporting her position in the Assembly, and together they fought against grieving mothers,” said activist Paige Ricci of Malta. “I mean, how can you say you’re pro-woman, pro-children, and pro-choice and yet oppose a bill that advocates for women, children, and choices?”

Dr. Cacciatore asserts that, “grieving mothers are being thrust into the middle of an acrimonious, long standing battle, as pawns in a political debate that has absolutely nothing to do with them.” Advocates for the legislation will continue their ongoing battle in New York for the third legislative session. Lori Tieger is committed to this fight in memory of her son, Daniel, who died just prior to birth at full term for unknown causes. “I’ll keep coming back and fighting this year after year until we are successful. It is time for New York to do what is right for all women.”For more information, please visit the legislative page at: http://www.missingangelsbill.org
and http://www.DanielsStar.org


*A personal message from Jeff and Lori:

Dear Friends,

The fight will continue in New York State.

We are very disappointed and saddened to say that our bill was killed last night at 11pm…talk about the final hour.

We are planning to expose this injustice for what it is, and we will be working toward alerting the national media of this transgression against grieving families.

We want to thank each of you who responded to our call to action.

During the final two weeks of session, the entire Ways and Means Committee have been inundated with calls, e-mails, and faxes in support of our bill.

They were answering their phones asking if the call was in reference to “the birth certificate”. You filled voice mail boxes over the weekends. And many of you have pledged your efforts when session starts again. We have more people and momentum than ever.

I am sure there are a few people who would like to ask Ms. Weinstein some questions.
Please feel free to contact her by e-mail weinsth@assembly.state.ny.us and by phone 718-648-4700 (district) and 518-455-5462 (Albany).

A lifelong friend of ours created a video to help communicate our message. He gave up his Father’s Day to join us at NY City Hall and record the press conference.

Please pass along the You Tube link to our video. NY CBRS

As always, thank you for your guidance and support. This is a tremendous disappointment, but we will be back stronger than ever and much better prepared for next session.

For all our children,
Jeff and Lori Tieger

Stillbirth news

--------------------------------------
First Candle is pleased to announce its full support of the Preventing Stillbirth and Sudden Unexpected Infant Death Act of 2008 which was introduced on Tuesday, June 17th by U.S. Senator Barack Obama of Illinois. The bill would establish a national stillbirth and SUID registry and promote prevention and risk reduction activities nationwide.

Each year, more than 25,000 women in the United States experience a stillbirth and approximately 4,500 infants die suddenly and unexpectedly. First Candle, a leading health organization dedicated to safe pregnancies and the survival of babies through the first year of life, has served as a lead advisor to Senator Obama in crafting the bill.

First Candle urges you to write to your Senators and encourage them to join Senator Obama by adding their name as cosponsor of this important legislation.

Additionally, we also invite you to support H.R. 5979, the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008, introduced by Congressman Peter King of New York.

To learn more today about these groundbreaking bills visit www.firstcandle.org. Thank you for your support in the belief that every baby should live.
--------------------------------------
Andre Ware, shares his story about becoming a father.
--------------------------------------
'No stillbirth link' to Caesarean
--------------------------------------
Chlorine in tap water 'nearly doubles the risk of birth defects'
--------------------------------------

Write your congressmen

Dear Friends,

We have exciting news!

Representative Peter King from New York has introduced a bill to raise awareness about stillbirth that seeks to standardize the definition of stillbirth, and the method in which stillbirth data is collected, so there can be a national repository for stillbirth data with which to conduct comprehensive research efforts. The bill also authorizes a campaign to increase public awareness of good prenatal care practices that may decrease the risk of stillbirth, including monitoring movements during the last trimester. To view the actual bill and supporting documents, please visit the First Candle website.

Now we need your help! We are asking that you write a letter to your Representative asking them to co-sponsor this bill. The more co-sponsors the bill has, the more likely it is to pass. Please note, this is for the House of Representatives only. Do not contact your Senators at this time.

If you could do this within the next couple days to one week, we will be able to maximize the momentum Representative King has initiated!

Members of Congress receive hundreds of messages from their constituents every day. This communication is important to them because it helps them better understand what issues are important to those they serve. Through your requests, congressional leaders will support legislation, add their names as co-sponsors or even introduce legislation to assist constituents in their districts.

The compelling testimony provided by parents at First Candle’s 2007 Advocacy Day-on-the Hill is what prompted Representative King to introduce this important bill!

· The first step is to identify the Representative for the District you live in. If you already know that, or have had direct contact with him/her, you are one step ahead of the game!

· If you do not know who your Representative is, or if you do not have contact information, you can find that information at https://forms.house.gov by putting in your 9-digit zip code (if you do not know your 4 digit extension, you can get it at http://zip4.usps.com/zip4/welcome.jsp.) You will then be able link directly to your Representative’s website. There you will find all the information you need, as well as the ability to email directly to their office.

· Once you have the contact information, write your letter. We have provided a sample letter below, but encourage you to add your personal story where indicated. Personal stories always have a greater impact and are taken more seriously than form letters! Of course, you can write your own letter if you have the time or desire. Just remember to keep the statistics and information about the bill consistent with that of the sample letter.

· Sending a hard copy or email letter are both equally effective. If you are mailing a hard copy, feel free to send along the documents attached to this email. It is not a good idea to attach documents to email letters, as they will most likely be rejected. Do not let this discourage you from using email though, as the vast majority of constituent letters do not include supporting documentation. Your email letters can be sent directly through your Representative’s website.

· First Candle would very much appreciate knowing who you have sent a letter to. This way we can conduct follow-up if and when that becomes necessary. Simply send an email to jennifer.johnson@firstcandle.org with your name and the name of the representative or staffer you sent the letter to. Hard or email copies of your letters are also welcome!

· And finally . . . please share this email with anyone that you think would be interested in supporting this effort, including family, friends, your favorite support organizations, groups, websites, etc.

· If you have any questions regarding the bill or this process, feel free to contact Marianne Adezio at 703-741-7053 or madezio@golinharris.org.

We thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this important matter! By working together, we stand to gain the most in our quest to spare families the devastation of stillbirth . . . in the belief that every baby should live.

Sincerely,
The Board and Staff of First Candle

Sample Letter

Dear Representative ________________:
I am writing to ask you to co-sponsor legislation that would help the CDC and researchers better determine the risk factors associated with stillbirth and convey those risk factors to expectant parents.

House of Representative Bill 5979, the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008, was introduced by Representative Peter King of New York in an effort to address the lack of standardized data collection nationally with regard to stillbirth.

Each year more than 25,000 babies in the United States are stillborn. More than 50 percent of these deaths occur in the last trimester of pregnancy and 15 percent occur during labor and delivery. Due to a lack of autopsy/investigation and inconsistencies in diagnosing these, more than 50 percent of all stillbirths remain unexplained.

With standardized investigation and reporting of these deaths, researchers would be better able to determine the risk factors. H.R. 5979 would both standardize the definition of stillbirth and the method in which data is collected, in order to create a national repository of stillbirth data to assist researchers in conducting comprehensive studies in to the causes of, and possible preventive strategies for, stillbirth. The bill also authorizes a public awareness campaign promoting good prenatal practices, including monitoring movements during the last trimester of pregnancy, to reduce the risk of stillbirth.
This legislation is important to me because (insert your personal story here)


Thank you so much for your consideration of my request.

(insert name and contact information here)


1314 Bedford Avenue, Suite 210 – Baltimore, MD 21208
800.221.7437 – info@firstcandle.org – www.firstcandle.org

Light a candle in remembrance

Remembering Our Angels is a page dedicated the the special bond between mother and child that survives even death. Celebrate your children with us throughout this Mother's Day Month of Remembrance by coming back to this page and lighting candles, writing condolences, and uploading pictures.

Our children inspire us in a very unique and powerful way, but we can find strength in our community too, so reach out to people and let them know about this Remembering Our Angels page, because every time someone new visits it, Memory-Of.com will donate $1 to First Candle.

First Candle has been recognized as one of the top fifteen children's charities in America. They are working to increase public participation and support in the fight against infant mortality, including SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and other areas, including stillbirth and miscarriage.

Together we can continue to find our strength in each other, and make a difference.

(Thank you for forwarding this to me Julie.)

Other stillbirth news

~Missouri - House endorses tax break for stillborn children.

~NY Times article - Seeking Answers to Stop Another Stillbirth

~NPR - The Human Body's Frailty and Splendor

TV warning (UK)

If you are in the UK, have lost a baby, and watch Coronation Street, a little warning for the end of this month.

**Party with a Purpose!**

FROCK 'N ROLL® 2008:
Fundraiser to Benefit the MISS Foundation

FROCK 'N ROLL is the annual charity event that brings together the Phoenix, Arizona fashion and music industries.

WHEN: May 17, 2008
WHERE: Alice Cooper'sTown, the venue owned by its famous namesake.
101 E. Jackson Street, Phoenix, AZ. 85004
WHO: Champagne Tap
HOW: Tickets can be purchased for a $12 donation during the presale,
click this link and be SURE to open the menu and choose the MISS Foundation as YOUR charity: https://www.alicecooperstown.com/store/show.php?id=112

Each FROCK 'N ROLL founder, band, model, designer chooses their own charity. Champagne Tap, one of the four bands to play at the event, will be playing to benefit the MISS Foundation.

FROCK 'N ROLL '08 will mark the fifth anniversary of this special event. As bands play live, models "rock the catwalk" in clothing designed by Arizona fashion designers, all in the name of charity.

Leslie Criger, Susan Di Staulo, Daynalyn Wain and Rhonda Zayas, highly respected professionals from different fields of the arts in Phoenix, are the producers and founders of the event.

Tickets can be purchased at the door, tokens will be given and need to be put in the MISS Foundation bucket for MISS to receive the donation.
*You don't have to attend the event (for those MISS supporters who don't live locally or for those who don't like loud music.)*

Please forward to family and friends who would like to attend or who want to support the MISS Foundation and its good work.

Contact Anna Kennedy at anna@missfoundation.org or Barbara Kurtz at mommab3g1@aol.com for more information.

Party with a Purpose!

FROCK 'N ROLL® 2008: Fundraiser to Benefit the MISS Foundation

Please join us for a night of fundraising fun!

FROCK 'N ROLL is the annual charity event that brings together the Phoenix, Arizona fashion and music industries.

The date is the evening of May 17, 2008 and the event will be hosted by Alice Cooper'sTown, the venue owned by it's famous namesake.

FROCK 'N ROLL '08 will mark the fifth anniversary of this special event. As bands play live, models "rock the catwalk" in clothing designed by Arizona fashion designers, all in the name of charity.

Leslie Criger, Susan Di Staulo, Daynalyn Wain and Rhonda Zayas, highly respected professionals from different fields of the arts in Phoenix, are the producers and founders of the event.

Each FROCK ‘N ROLL founder, band, model, designer chooses their own charity. Champagne Tap, one of the four bands to play at the event, will be playing to benefit the MISS Foundation. Tickets can be purchased for a $10 donation during the presale. You don't have to attend the event (for those MISS supporters who don't live locally or for those who don't like loud music.)

Please contact Anna Kennedy at anna@missfoundation.org to purchase tickets for presale.

More information regarding the event is forthcoming.

On the 10th day of Christmas

I couldn't help myself. I have Christmas on the brain. Decorations and presents and food and my family. It's different this year. The psychologists call it integration...making peace with the way life is and creating rituals to incorporate the bad things in a positive way. Yeah. Whatever. If it means shopping, I'm there. So I dropped Sam off at school last Thursday morning and took a sleeping Myles to do some Christmas shopping. He slept and I spent way too much money. It was great!

I bought Sam a t-shirt that says, "My brother is the naughty one." I hope he likes it. (It's sure to make a better memory than the, "I'm gonna be a big brother" t-shirt of a couple years ago.)

I bought Myles a couple little rattles for his stocking (what do you think of those little slipper rattles? torture? or fun for baby?). I don't plan to wrap any gifts for him under the tree this year...unless I think of a good one (have I mentioned I love to shop?).

I bought a wreath for the cemetery. Now I just have to decorate it and get it out there. I haven't been so good about getting up there lately. I've got a lot of feelings on that subject, but I'm just going to avoid them for now.

I found some unopened boxes of Christmas/Holiday cards in our desk that I could send out (which sounds like so much work). But thanks to Sherry, I have THE BEST birth announcements (who wants one?) that I can't wait to send. Would it be lame to skip the Christmas cards completely this year?

Now I have a few more presents to buy and I'll be done, done, done. Thank heaven for online ordering. Let's see...still left to shop for...mom, dad, brother, Steve. Wait a minute! What am I doing feeling relaxed? I should be freaking out right about now!

We decorated the front of our house a bit this year at Sam's insistence. I think it needs more. Steve thinks enough is enough. Of course, that was before I could help. Now I'm ready to roll so I may just have to add to the display. Maybe a lighted reindeer sculpture or two?

(Yes, that is Steve striking the Captain Morgan's pose...such a lovable dork he is.)

Speaking of the lovable dork...I have NO idea what to get him for Christmas. And he is being entirely unhelpful saying things like, "You've already given me the best present ever." I know it's sweet...but it's kinda annoying at the same time.

Sam shopped at his school's "Santa shop" today. The inner workings of the five-year-old mind are...in a word...interesting. I know they say it's the thought that counts. I'm just not sure what that thought was (and not sure I WANT to know). I know there will be at least one chuckle at Christmastime...so that's something to look forward to.

I was just looking through a Figis catalog and suddenly miss my grandma and her Christmas traditions.


I wasn't able to attend the Ladies of the Court Holiday party...and I will miss my office's Christmas party. But tomorrow evening I have the American Business Women's Association Chapter Christmas party. I was looking forward to it. But I just realized I do not have my gift for my secret pal...I do not have my ornament for the ornament exchange...I do not have my white elephant stuff together for the fundraiser auction. What are the holidays without stress?

Speaking of stress...what is it about Christmas that makes me want to do messy craft activities with Sam? and baking? what is with the urge to bake?

So this is what it feels like

As I'm sure you can guess, I've got issues with my body stemming from its past failures. It started with the gestational diabetes with Sam...kept up with my inability to exclusively breastfeed him...and has just been keeping me on my toes during the past two years with failure after failure. Yeah...I'm a mess.

When Myles was born, he spent two days in the NICU. He was initially admitted for breathing difficulties (he had a little transitional fluid in his lungs that resolved itself). Then he remained there for extreme weight loss. He was born at 7lbs 15ozs and left the NICU at 6lbs 12ozs (that's a loss of over 15%...or so the doctors and nurses kept telling me). Everyone was concerned and I was caught in what was clearly a battle between pro-breastfeeding personnel (lactation consultants) and pro-formula personnel (NICU nurses). The pressure was crazy and my own personal issues prevented me from exerting any clear maternal decision-making at the time.

So I nursed (and pumped to try to get my milk to come in quicker) and Myles was supplemented with small amounts of formula. It was totally fine with me. I wanted him to grow and thrive. So when my milk finally came in, but Myles wasn't gaining the way "they" liked to see, they only reluctantly let us go home...and I was instructed to keep up with the supplementing when we went home.

Well...Myles had other plans. He was NOT interested in formula AT ALL (and I can't blame him...it smells and tastes BAD). So we've been nursing exclusively...except for an occasional supplement here and there (I'm still not ready to breastfeed in the middle of small-town Walmart).

Of course, I've still had my doubts. I KNOW all the facts about wet/dirty diaper counting, paying attention to signs that he's satisfied and not dehydrated, etc, etc, etc. But I still worried...of course. And that worry was reinforced by the requirement that we submit to weight checks with our pediatrician.

So today's check brought with it a momentary reprieve from the doubts.
Birth - 7/15
Discharge - 6/12
Weight check #1 - 6/12.5
Weight check #2 - 7
Weight check #3 - 7/8

Finally, I am not a failure. And he's happy and healthy. I can't stop smiling.

Every Baby Has a Story

The March of Dimes is about ALL babies... those born healthy and those that need our help to survive.

This October the Story Bus hits the road - 16 cities in 4 weeks. Hop on the bus and videotape your story or add it from your own computer.

Don't just stand at the curb and wave. Be a part of this event! Because every baby has a story…

While there is no category for stillbirth, there is an "In Memory" section and I couldn't help but think of my friends, msfitzita, Darcie, Julian's Mom, Laura, Sherry, and Sarah.

Every baby has a story.

One week...and some thank yous

Myles is one week old today. My God, I can't even believe our lives have been blessed by this little creature we (Sam and I...we're still working on Steve) have affectionately nicknamed the Squeaker because he makes the most adorable squeaky noises when he wants attention. Every minute that passes brings more peace to this house. There are still adjustments to be made, but I think they are going about as well as they can.

Myles weighed in at the doctor today at 6lbs 12.5ozs. The doctor confirmed our suspicions that something "isn't right" about the hospital's claim that Myles lost over a pound since birth (it was actually overnight, but I guess they didn't think I was paying that much attention). "Babies that lose that much just don't look as good as he does...you expect them to be...floppy...sickly." In my rather frazzled state at the hospital, I do remember one nurse telling us that it could POSSIBLY have something to do with the fact that there was a difference in the scales used to weigh him (one in delivery and one in special care). Who knows what the real story is. I'm just glad that (1) it's not as bad as the hospital staff made it out to be; (2) it's not all the fault of my breasts failing to produce enough; and (3) he hasn't lost any more since we've been home. Now we just need to get him to gain a little bit. I know breastfed babies gain at a slower rate than formula fed babies, so I'm not too stressed (particularly since we're temporarily supplementing with high calorie formula for preemies). But it still is something to worry about. We go back on Friday for a weight check.
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Now for the thank you's...

We have some amazingly kind and generous people in our lives. Some of them have been with us forever. Some of them were brought into our lives as a result of pain and heartbreak. It is our pleasure to share this happy stretch with every one of them.
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Thank you Mom for the beautiful roses and for bringing us turkey...twice.


But most of all, thank you and Dad for taking such good care of Sam last week. He had a great time...and he loves his Spiderman boots.
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Thank you to Kate for the adorable Gymboree outfit. I'd post a pic, but it's in the wash as we speak. Oh...wait! You can find anything on ebay! It looks like this (with matching hat and corduroys...soooo cute!)...


And thank you for the snake in a can for Sam. His laugh just makes me laugh every single time. Steve has reserved the disappearing ink squirter for warmer weather use outdoors (party pooper that he is).
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Thank you to M, H, S and L for the wonderful gifts for Myles...




...and Sam (now I get to ask HIM 300 questions...I LOVE it!)...


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Thank you Cynthia for the beautiful flower/gift arrangement! It came with an adorable hooded bath towel/washcloth set, neck wings for the carseat, and a little teddy bear.

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Thank you to Rachel for these adorable outfits and the lovely card. I love you, my friend...and we have no worries or issues between us.

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