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Showing posts from May, 2007

gah!

I have all these pictures I want to share but blogger is being stupid.

Happy Birthday Steve!

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Everyone wave

I am buying some yarn for my secret pal and I get a discount for being a participant in SP10. Everybody wave and say hi to the seller who will be popping in to "verify my participation" (even though I am VERY light on the crafty posts these days).

Guilty conscience

Yesterday at work, someone looked at my belly and asked, "Is there something we should know?" I couldn't lie. My secret is out.

While driving home yesterday, I imagined what it would be like to hold actually this baby after a live birth. I felt his weight (no, I don't know anything...I just have a feeling). I could see his eyes. I touched his skin. I could feel him move...breathe.

Last night I had incredibly angry dreams in which I screamed curse words at people I love for no apparent reason. Even as I was doing it I knew it was wrong...but I felt this primal urge to inflict the pain of my personal frustration on them.

There is a certain amount of freedom in the truth.

There is even more freedom in dreams.

I feel like I cheated Travis out of my dreams. I never imagined him as anything more than a half-baked little baby. I'm not sure I truly believe in self-fulfilling prophecies, but I still carry a certain amount of guilt for any part I may have played in his fate. A…

Rosepetal

Are you ok?

Please email me (I've lost your email address).

For my friend Sherri

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Thinking of your mom and you and your sweet girls. I love you.

Happy Birthday Samuel

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Happy Birthday to my sweet boy. I love you to the moon and back.

The zoo in hyperspeed

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Let me tell you, a fat old woman in her first trimester can NOT keep up with a skinny soon-to-be-five-year-old hopped up on sugar at a hilly zoo. Man, am I tired!

But at 35 years old I can now officially say that I have touched a stingray and held a lorakeet in my hand.

Sam had a fabulous time (dinosaurs.at.the.zoo...need I say more?) and is currently zonked out in bed...still wearing his clothes. And that is the way he will stay. After all, what good is a birthday weekend celebration if you can't pass out in your clothes and wake up late the next morning with a sugar hangover?

Tomorrow, Thomas the Tank Engine and a cookout with the family.

Having a great time! Wish you were here!

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Steve asked me yesterday, "So what do you think it means that my manager is now being all complimentary and acknowledging the work I do?"

"He's afraid you're going to snap and he wants to make sure you don't kill him during your crazed rampage," I replied.
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I'm wearing a maternity tshirt today. And it doesn't look too big. My God, I'm fat.
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I hope there are enough cupcakes for Sam's class at daycare today. (Called Steve...there are plenty.)
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The crazy dog food recall has expanded to include certain dry dog foods as well. For months, people have continued to feed the dry foods because they thought the contamination just affected moist foods. I am horrified at the lack of care these large companies have exhibited. I am even more horrified to think that I used to feed my dogs th…

The Bluebird of Happiness

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Though I haven't been able to get a photo of him/her myself, a little bluebird just like this one has found a home near side fence on our property. I had never seen an actual bluebird before...neither had Sam. We both get so excited and smile when we see him/her. The bluebird of happiness...I get it.

Look here newbie

I just had a conversation with the new attorney in our office (paralegal who just passed the bar exam). He insisted there was a constitutional right to a jury trial in civil cases. I said I wasn't sure. He gave me that look that said that he thought he knew more than me.

State constitution does not entitle all civil litigants to a trial by jury; instead, it preserves the right only for those civil cases in which the right existed before the adoption of the constitutional provision providing the right. Const. Art. 1, § 5.Arrington v. DaimlerChrysler Corp., 109 Ohio St. 3d 539, 2006-Ohio-3257, 849 N.E.2d 1004 (2006).

I wonder...should I print it off and hand it to him? or send it via email?

Or should I just dance around and sing like Sam does?
I was right...I was right...I was right...

How is it that I'm a lawyer? I'm clearly not sophisticated enough to handle the responsibilities.

Gross

Don't you hate it when you blow your nose into a tissue too hard and the booger flies past the tissue and into your hand?

Let me tell you something

C just paid a visit to our office...and stood in the hallway talking about her pregnancy with another coworker, S. C doesn't see the point of having an ultrasound every month.

Think I should tell her what the point is?

(Don't worry...I didn't.)

Just me and you kid

As I drove out of my work parking lot on my way to my appointment, I had this overwhelming sense of alone-ness. Not loneliness...I do not feel lonely. Alone-ness...as in, I am alone in this.

I was headed to meet my amazing husband at my spectacular doctor's office and I carried all the well-wishes of friends and family with me. But I was alone.

This is all up to me. My body.

No matter what happens, I know that there will be people I can turn to for love and support (and hopefully congratulations and celebration). But no matter what happens I am alone.

And no matter how amazing everyone is, it's still all up to me...just me.

That is an awe-inspiring yet terrifying responsibility.

9w3d

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Measuring 9w3d right on target. Little heartbeat looks and sounds good. We saw it moving around doing a little dance. The OB said it looked like a little gummy bear dancing. Gummy bear...GB...we have a nickname.

I'm the expert...in what?

The county sent me and two of my colleagues to a seminar yesterday...almost 200 miles away (and I did all the driving)...about Ohio's new pay-to-play law as it applies to local government officials.

I lost track of the number of times the "expert" said, "You'll have to consult your prosecutor's office for their interpretation." Ummm...yeah...we were hoping YOU would have some guidance to US.

And then, the second presenter informed us that there is a good possibility that this new law just may not apply to us after all. Thanks. Why did we drive all this way for THIS?

The afternoon session was scheduled to be a panel discussion. About what, I'm not sure, because we left and hit the outlet mall on the way home.

I ALMOST bought a baby outfit at the Carter's outlet, but chickened out at the register and put it back.

Yeah, some expert.

Another change of perspective

For the first 29 years of my life I was a pretty selfish person. I didn't intend to be selfish, I just was so wrapped up in my own little existence that I didn't have room to comprehend life as it was for anyone else.

My parents were my parents and they really had no life sphere that didn't include me. If they were happy or sad or fulfilled or disappointed, I don't remember.

I am shocked these days when I consider some of the things my friends went through while we were growing up. It's not that I didn't know what they were going through back then, it's just that I never really gave it much thought.

I missed a lot. I skated through. When I retell the stories of my youth, I often gloss over the details because I just don't remember them. This isn't because I have a bad memory...but it IS because I just didn't pay attention. I didn't see the point.

I have always been afraid to be close to anyone else. I used to think it was out of an effort to p…

Miscellaneous thoughts

Last night, while laying in bed, Sam revealed that he had gotten in trouble at daycare and had gotten a timeout. Then he giggled...quite pleased with himself for having pulled one over on Steve and I. That whole no-tv-if-we-get-a-bad-report-from-daycare thing only works if we actually GET a bad report. Smart kid. Learning to keep his mouth shut early in life.
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I have shopping to do this weekend!

I have to buy a birthday exchange gift for another 5-year-old boy. I think I'll take Sam and get his opinion. I also am getting a couple small gifts for some friends...and I think I'm going to need to start at least looking for baby gifts for Kate's twins. I also have to do some secret pal shopping. I have one more package to get out before the end of this month in order to meet my obligation. This means a trip to a craft store...I just don't know if I can handle that...but I'll force myself. :o)

I also need to pick up some yellow pansies an…

No thoughts

I swore I wouldn't watch Notes from the Underbelly. And then I did. And last night I laughed and laughed and laughed...especially when Lauren would unceremoniously fall asleep at the most inappropriate times and places. I LAUGHED, I tell you! (And then I went to bed because I was TIRED.)

I often read blogs where people say they are thinking of blog posts but they never actually write them. I'll be honest, I'm completely the opposite. I have NO thoughts running around in my head. I think this is a phase of comfortable numbness that I'm just going to enjoy for a while. Why not, right? There's nothing anybody can do. No time machine to speed up time. And really, there are so many things going on right now that I am enjoying that I don't really want them to speed by. [I would enjoy a time machine so that we could speed by the part where Sam thinks it is now funny to call his little girlfriend Ashley a "penis" (a nickname that makes her laugh and laugh and …

Thank you Darcie!

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My friend Darcie sent me this beautiful statuette/ornament that says, "You are Special." The little star she is holding glows in the dark! I love it! Thank you, my friend.

So guess what?

It seems Brooke sneaked off and had a beautiful baby girl!

Welcome to the world Ivy Grace!

And CONGRATULATIONS to your mama and papa!

Can't keep up

I have an inbox full of lovely emails to respond to. This blog has been sadly neglected. My house is a mess. Work is piling up on my desk. At eight weeks it's already going downhill fast.

And I can.not.keep.my.eyes.open...

My secret is out

Go wish Shinny some congratulations!

[I'm so glad you're not making me wait any longer...my head might explode :o) ]

Mother's Day Miscellaneous Thoughts

Time for the obligatory Mother's Day review...yummy breakfast in bed (waffles with whipped cream and strawberries)...adorable living son...two dead boys...mom over for a visit...first grilled burgers of the summer...pregnancy tiredness...planting flowers at the cemetery...blah...blah...blah. I almost can't even bring myself to type it. It feels like an old LP where the needle is stuck and you keep hearing the same couple of lines over and over again. But yet there are a few odds and ends that seem to be looking to be said out loud. I don't know why. Here they are, in no particular order...

~I have the best husband in the whole world. Seriously. And I love him more than I can possibly ever say.

~It occurs to me today that I never lit the boys' birthday candles. We were so busy that I simply forgot. Actually, Travis doesn't even HAVE a birthday candle yet. I forgot to order it. Nice job. And now I'm wondering about the propriety of lighting a candle for them now...…

Miscellaneous Thoughts

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Thank you to everyone for their kind words this past week. The depth of pain this year startled me because I thought I was "doing so well." It was a rough week, but we made it through...like we always do.
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Thank you to the MOM Project for the beautiful flowers in memory of Travis and Alex.

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My office neighbor passed the bar exam! Congratulations to him! Now I won't have to listen to him complain about it ever again! Yay for me!
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Tori & Dean: Inn Love - Hilarious! And the good news is...it's been renewed for a second season.
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What: Sam's 5th birthday party
Where: ToysRUs playland

Can I tell you how RELIEVED I am?
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We had requested information and a preliminary application from an adoption agency a while back. We read their information and weren't completely satisfied, so we decided not to fill out th…

Forever in Our Hearts

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Alex Gerard
Stillborn 5/11/05

My baby

Today my baby boy registers for kindergarten.

I still remember the morning I stood in the shower with my hand on my belly crying and saying, "I'm going to be somebody's mom."

I remember that moment in the hospital when Steve had gone to sign the discharge papers at the nurses station and I stood next to Sam's bassinette thinking, "Oh my God, they're going to let us go home with him. He is OURS."

I remember that morning when I yelled to Steve to wake up...to come to the living room...to see our son's first smiles.

I remember the middle of that night when we were all three in tears because we hadn't slept in what seemed like weeks.

I remember that afternoon when he rolled off the couch and I called Steve in hysterics.

I remember his first real food was Oreo Blizzard from Dairy Queen, snuck to him by his Daddy in the back seat of the silver Chevy Cavalier.

I remember those first attempts to sit up...and thud of his large head on the carpet when he fe…

SLIUP

Single Live Intrauterine Pregnancy

Funny how the emphasis on certain words changes as you get older and your life/perspective changes.

The miracle of modern technology allowed us to see the teeny tiny flicker of heartbeat AND hear it.

Thank you all for your well wishes, prayers, and generally good mojo. We appreciate it.

We also appreciate all of your kindness in remembering Travis.

Bittersweet is a good word to describe today. I lasted until 8:19am before starting to cry.

But tonight...we are smiling tonight.

In loving memory

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Travis Leo
Stillborn 5/8/06


Image by Marchwind Studios

Very funny

I joked. That was the problem. I joked. I should know better than to get cocky.

We took my parents out for lunch for my Dad's birthday, a yearly event that has, for the last two years, been followed by bad news. We decided to chance it this year, feeling pretty well prepared for bad news should it be announced on Tuesday.

All through lunch I got the distinct impression that my mom was sizing me up...making sure I was doing "ok." It wasn't unwelcome, but the mention of Alex or Travis makes me edgy lately. I can't help it. I know they have a place in everyone else's heart...but now, during this time, I don't feel like sharing them (or what I'm feeling about them). It's selfish...I know that.

So I smiled and told my plans for planting flowers at the cemetery (my mom brought a gorgeous flat of pansies to plant...now I just have to buy some more to go with them)...and then I changed the subject (I've become an expert at changing the subject).

We had a…

I promise this is not turning into a foodie blog

But really, I have to ask...how did Freshley's make such awful pecan twirls? I mean well and truly awful. I would only eat them if there was no other food on the planet awful.

Good thing they were only $0.79 each package. $2.37 wasted And my taste buds may never recover.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?! OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Promises and punishments

The husband promised me steak for lunch...steak that I would not have to cook myself. We were also supposed to go to Lowes to finish up our home improvement purchasing. However, the DISH guy is here doing I don't know what. He's been here for I don't know how long.

It's 12:12 and still no steak.

I had pop tarts for breakfast.

He hasn't even showered yet.

I am currently dreaming up suitable punishments.

Suggestions?

Consciousness is good

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I went outside for the first time in three days and it felt good. I was exhausted by the time I was done with my little walk to look at the flowers that have sprouted in my Alex and Travis flower gardens.

So this means...I'm conscious! And it's a good thing I'm feeling better and not needing sleep today, since the redneck neighbors are shooting and blowing things up in their back yard...and have been at it for three HOURS now (even with plugged up ears, that can get annoying). But it has given me time to catch up on blogs and some email.

And in that vein, I wanted to send a big THANK YOU out to my secret pal who sent this delicious Atacama Chilean Hand-dyed Alpaca yarn, Bee Bar Lotion Bar, and Wines of the World flash cards (now I can expand my knowledge beyond wine in a box).

I also want to send out a thank you to my friend Sherri who sent me what looks to be a real four-leaf clover. It made me smile...still makes me smile.


So the last few days have passed by without much …

sick and tired

All original thought is stuck in the mass of snot inside my head.
Spent yesterday in bed.
Same plan for today.
I'll be back soon.

snort

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Seriously...thank you Cynthia...

ding ding ding ding! we have a winner!

Kathy said: The other thing is, once you get over the fear of ectopic, then you'll replace it with another worry.

It ain't a rational mind you're dealing with here folks. Want me to list some of the irrational things I've been worrying/obsessing about?

~I have a cold/sinus drainage thing going on. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The dog stepped on my foot with her unclean paws and left a scratch. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I have a pimple where you don't want to have a pimple. It became pussy and popped while wiping. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The outdoor cat cannot rub against my legs. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~Constipation, diarrhea, gas...Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I took a jacuzzi bath with my son the other night and the tub wasn't exactly spic-n-span clean. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.

Are you sensing a theme here? I have dead baby nightmare…