Sunday, May 20, 2007

Another change of perspective

For the first 29 years of my life I was a pretty selfish person. I didn't intend to be selfish, I just was so wrapped up in my own little existence that I didn't have room to comprehend life as it was for anyone else.

My parents were my parents and they really had no life sphere that didn't include me. If they were happy or sad or fulfilled or disappointed, I don't remember.

I am shocked these days when I consider some of the things my friends went through while we were growing up. It's not that I didn't know what they were going through back then, it's just that I never really gave it much thought.

I missed a lot. I skated through. When I retell the stories of my youth, I often gloss over the details because I just don't remember them. This isn't because I have a bad memory...but it IS because I just didn't pay attention. I didn't see the point.

I have always been afraid to be close to anyone else. I used to think it was out of an effort to protect myself from hurt. But now, if I'm honest about it, I think it was more out of laziness and an effort to just "not get involved." If I didn't pay attention then I wouldn't have to REALLY admit that there were bad things in life. I could just glide through without any disruption of my little blissful utopia.

For a long time, I wasn't a REAL part of my own life. While I paid lip service to the importance of my family and friends, I wasn't really living that truth. I know I can be a better friend and a better daughter/sister/wife/mother.

All that time I felt disconnected, it wasn't because "they" made me feel like an outsider...but because I disconnected myself from "them" and didn't make the effort.

But now, I'm trying. For once, I'm really trying.


delphi said...

I think much of my youth might have been the same? Perhaps it is less a function of desire and more a function of awareness. We don't know that we need to be connected, really connected, with our friends and family. We take it all for granted. And we carry the laziness of youth - where we have all the time in the world. Why do today when you have a whole lifetime to do it?

I am glad you have decided to try harder - I should do the same. You set a good example, my friend.

Bon said...

i think that connecting is both one of the hardest things to do and sustain, and the most worthwhile. it keeps me sane, in the end, keeps everything worth getting up in the morning. most days. :)

i wish you luck, and great reward.

Kathy McC said...

Well, for what it's worth, I think you've been very genuine, caring and compassionate to me, and the other gals (and guys) in this blogland of ours.

I know how hard it is to let people risk getting hurt. Real life people, especially family, can hurt us more than anyone else.

(((hugs))) as you continue your journey.

pipsylou said...

wow - that's some major MAJOR introspection. I am proud of you for forging ahead and figuring some of this stuff out. I don't think 99% of the population gives one thought to what you just wrote...

I feel lucky to have found you in the blogosphere; to call you friend.

Sherri said... someone who was lucky enough to be one of your childhood friends, I just want to point out that you were a far better friend than you are giving yourself credit for. You truly saved and supported me during times that could have been so much worse without your friendship and willingness to put up with me. So, if that was ever just skating through, you were damn good! :-)
I am so glad we were friends, and that we are friends now!
You inspire me in many ways, but reading this inspires me to want to be a better friend too.

Lori said...

This is something I am continually working on. I can relate very much to what you have said here.

Ruby said...

Thanks for this post. It encourages me to work on some things about myself I need to change too.

Best wishes.