Showing posts from December, 2006

Happy New Year

It seems there should be something. Some sort of wrap-up of the past year. Some sort of look forward to the coming year. I thought I would do one of those memes that cover them both. But it seems that most of my answers revolve around one thing. Travis. What kind of wrap-up could I possibly write about the 20 week life of a little half-baked boy?

2006 = Travis. That's all there was to it. The joy that was Travis. The sorrow that was Travis. The lifetime that happened in 20 short weeks.

Yes, there were many many many other things that happened this year. Many things that I am incredibly grateful for. Many things that brought happiness. A few things that brought sadness. But no matter what else happened, Travis cast a shadow over the entire year. For such a small half-baked boy, he sure did leave a large and lasting impression on me. It's such a shame that he never had a chance to impress the rest of the world too.

I don't know what I've learned or what I'm supposed to …

Welcome to the world Baby Trenton!!!

Congratulations to Kelly, Todd, and Lydia, as they welcome Trenton Thomas to the world.

Born December 30, 2006 9:28 am
7 lbs, 5 oz
21 inches

We are thrilled for your entire family and we send all our love on this happy day.

New Year's miscellaneous thoughts

Fridays are perfect days for non-deep non-depressing thoughts, don't ya think?
There ain't nobody in this world that's gonna do it for you...
Do what ya gotta do.
-Garth Brooks-
2006 Blessings

-Steve and I stayed reasonably healthy (though I seem to be coming down with something, so I'm not going to celebrate just yet).
-Sam stayed reasonably healthy...except for that strep thing that scared the crap outta us.
-Sam learned to write his name.
-We officially adopted Rosie Posie.
-Our house renovation began and was substantially completed. I am going to break in that jacuzzi tub this weekend.
-My Aunt's cancer turned out to be less serious than initially diagnosed.
-We went back to having two cars. That one-car thing was rough!
-Friends kept checking in on us, no matter how depressing we were.
-Work that we could stand (though it may not be our l…

Yeah, this blog is fun to read

I stole this from DD. It's a list of first lines. You post the first line of the first post of each month. Heh...witty and clever I am definitely not.

2006 in review...I'm particularly fond of July. Blech.

January: 2005 is in the record books.

February: It seems that everything is sucking the energy right out of me these days and I'm just not finding inspiration to write.

March: Steve and I have been invited to play fantasy baseball.

April: It's so strange the things that will take me back, or throw me forward, in time to an emotional place that I'm still not really sure how to handle other than with tears.

May: I hadn't seen her a few weeks.

June: This morning I changed the calendar on my month-at-a-glance desk-pad.

July: When you delivered, we sent off for genetic studies---it failed to grow (when we send off for this type of study, sometimes the cells don’t grow---which we need them to do to get a genetic profile on the baby).

August: Home today with the munchkin.


Get lost fatso!

I guess China is out as an option.

"The rules, which take effect in May, require an adopting family to be composed of a man and woman between 30 and 50 years old who have been married at least two years (or five years if it is a second marriage). They cannot be obese or have a net worth less than $80,000. And anyone on an antidepressant or other psychiatric medication is out, a rule sure to raise anxiety levels in a neighborhood where seeing a therapist is considered unremarkable."

2500 - my least favorite number

$2500 to fix the living room ceiling so that it is structurally sound (and so that there is not a post dead center in the room).

$2500 to fix the springwater line and pump into the barn.

I'm afraid to call somebody about my malfunctioning garbage disposal.

FITYMI 2006 Holiday Roundup

It was boring living it, so I'm sure it will be boring reading about it. I will, therefore, take pity on you, dear internets, and spare you the details. Let's just say that Delphi was precisely right when she said,

"I just can't even believe it some times. I had a son. He is dead. Today I had to visit my son, who is dead and buried in the ground. I had to sit next to a headstone in a frozen expanse of snow, surrounded by other people's babies who are also dead. Babies die. My baby died. I just don't understand it, not in any way at all. There are days where it is all too big and confusing for me. Today is one of those days. I just don't understand."

And with Christmas and all the "magic" that you're supposed to feel...I finally figured out my issue with religion and religious types. It's not the God thing...though that certainly still perplexes me to no end. It's not the judgment thing...hell...I would judge me too if I weren'…

Never turn your back on a four-year-old

I wanted to get Sam out of the house so I could wrap his Christmas gifts from mommy and daddy. He's only getting three, so I figured he could take the quick trip with Steve to the vet to pick up Old Dog's medication and the wrapping would be all done by the time they got home. Of course, Sam pitched a fit and didn't want to go, so I TOLD him why he had to go. I said, "'s why you have to go with Daddy...I want to wrap your Christmas presents from me and daddy because we're going to open presents at Grandma and Grandpa's house tomorrow night." He was thrilled and happily agreed to go.

Upon their return, I was reading blogs and, quite honestly, not paying much attention. Sam came into the room and said something about not seeing his presents. I absent-mindedly said, "They're under the tree."

Next thing I know, I hear Sam yelling up the stairs, "Mommy, I need somebody to come down and help me put together the crane you and Daddy…

Thank you Secret Pal!

Thank you to my secret pal for a great Christmas surprise! I LOVE the cabled headband. I hope to someday be able to do cables...but we shall see. And coffee and chocolate...YUM! And thank you so much for the snowflakes book. I SWEAR this coming year I am going to do at least one snowflake a week so that when this house is all ready for its "pretty" Christmas next year, I will have the perfect ornaments for my tree.

Calling Jay Leno

I'm sure there is a joke in here somewhere.

We all gotta eat here's a chance to do something good and maybe win a fabulous prize. If you like food or drink or fabulous prizes related to food or drink...take a peek and maybe donate $10. I plan to. Now I just need ot figure out which prize I want to throw my ticket in for.

They have currently raised over $40,000 for the UN World Food Programme.

Fa la la la la la la la la

I'm learning one thing during this Fake It Till You Make It holiday campaign 2006. What is it you ask? It's this...

You don't NEED all that STUFF.
You don't NEED to bake and shop and wrap and sing Christmas carols and run around trying to please everyone.
You don't NEED to party and try to cram in all your holiday cheer into one or two weeks.
You can survive without it.

This year I sent out Christmas cards, decorated ONE room in my house, didn't bake a single cookie, and plan to stay home as much as possible for the actual holiday part of things...and I am actually feeling rested and relaxed and GOOD about the holidays. While my friends run around and try to meet Marth Stewart standards, all the while attempting to please immediate and extended family, I sit and sip hot cocoa with my son while we snuggle under a blanket and watch a movie. While they jaunt off to this or that holiday activity, we throw tennis balls around the living room for the dogs to go fetch. W…
Is it just me, or do those little things on the top of my donut look a little bit like rabbit poop?

Dear Universe

It would REALLY help if you would play along with my Fake It Until You Make It holiday campaign. I mean, really...a bomb threat? Is that all you got? Bring it on!

No...I do not make this stuff up. I took in a deep breath and ventured out to finish up my Christmas shopping. I went to Walmart to pick up a couple things I was unable to purchase with Sam with me (Santa fills the stockings as a surprise, after all). As I was approaching the registers and announcement was made over the PA system that everyone was to leave the building. No explanations, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on (though the Walmart employees were woefully uninformed about what was happening and were overheard, on more than one occasion, saying that they had absolutely no idea what was going on and that management doesn't tell them anything.).

Seriously. As if enduring the happy holiday crowd and listening to piped in Christmas music doesn't take enough effort to leave me …

oh boy

I found myself in a weird predicament the other day while shopping at Super Walmart. Steve and Sam were acting absolutely atrociously together, so I sent them off to find something (can't remember what) while I proceeded on to the grocery section of the store. Of course, this led me directly guessed it...the BABY section. Yee haw!

So I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the onslaught as I pushed my cart as fast as I could down the aisle that would lead me to the paper products (we were in desperate need of toilet paper). I prayed nobody would step out in front of me because I didn't want to (a) mow anyone down, and (b) slow down or...heaven forbid...stop.

But, as luck would have it, as I approached the baby section, a family with a newborn baby girl (wrapped from head to toe in pink, so I hope it was a girl...) stepped out to look at the perfect little Christmas dresses.

I slowed down.

I stopped.

I looked.

And there was the cutest little baby blue outfit with Ch…

Christmas cards are not so simple anymore

When I read things like this, I am so thankful for the internet...and that there are amazing women out there who are not afraid to share their stories.

(I also realize what a hack I am at writing...but that is another story altogether.)

Ambrosia salad


* 1 (11 ounce) can mandarin oranges, drained
* 1 (8 ounce) can pineapple chunks, drained
* 1 cup miniature marshmallows
* 1 cup flaked coconut
* 1 cup sour cream


1. In a large bowl, combine the oranges, pineapple, marshmallows and coconut. Add sour cream and toss to mix. Cover and refrigerate for several hours.

Courtesy: Judi Bringegar

Of course, Grandma was a bit crazy, so this recipe was modified a bit over the years by adding and subtracting different ingredients.

Merry Christmas Grandma

A Christmas card arrived from my Aunt and Uncle yesterday. When I opened it, I kind of wondered what was going on in their heads. I know they've had a rough couple of uncle's cancer, my grandmother's death, my aunt's cancer. So when I saw this card I was a bit concerned that maybe they weren't quite "right"...that maybe they had fallen off the deep end.

It's a lovely card. It's just...well...the people on it are black...

...and we are white...

...we are white...and not what you would call politically correct.

In fact, racial tolerance just isn't something that we discuss because there are some in our family who have downright neanderthal ideas about race relations.

So...this card perplexed me.

And then I opened it and read the note they had written on the inside.

"We found these in Grandma's Christmas cards. Just goes to show that she bought what was on sale...always. Love, Aunt J & Uncle H"

Even from the grave, my gran…

My wishlist

I wish I were normal.
I wish there was a way.
I wish I had the nerve.
I wish I weren't so sad.
I wish I knew who I was.
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I knew what to say.
I wish I weren't so angry.
I wish there were answers.
I wish I had the strength.
I wish I weren't so scared.
I wish I could be supportive.
I wish I weren't so judgmental.
I wish no one knew what it feels like.
I wish someone knew what it feels like.
I wish I didn't have to remember normal.
I wish they had a chance.
I wish they were alive.

Pre-Christmas quotes

Sitting on the Polar Express train, in seating groups of four...Sam said, "Mommy, I wish there were four of us."

Good Christ...just throw me UNDER the train, kid!
Sitting in the car on the way to WalMart...Steve said, "If Mommy behaves in WalMart then we can get milkshakes afterward."

Yeah...Mommy is the one who acts like she's lost her mind in WalMart.
Standing in WalMart, placing a very expensive vacuum in our cart...Steve said, "This IS going in the blog, right?"

Yes world...he bought us a Dyson...isn't he a great guy? I'm sure there will be many a post where I rave about my new vacuum.
Standing in the Home Depot parking lot, throwing stuff out of the minivan...I screamed, "I told you it wasn't going to f***ing fit! And you bought it anyway! You're an asshole!"


I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas...

Almost done. A couple more tiles and some caulk and we're ready for a jacuzzi soak.

tee hee hee

I'm giddy with excitement.

Of course, I think I might want to look into some window treatments for that very large window. Nobody needs to see my bare naked wet ass for Christmas. They could never have been THAT bad.

Thank you

~Thank you Cynthia for sharing this with me. I laughed and laughed and laughed. And Sam kept saying, "Do it again, do it again, do it again." Thank you for the holiday smile...even if it does illustrate how we're a little sick.

~Thank you Lisa for the beautiful little glass angel. I enjoy working for the MOM Project...and I truly appreciate your friendship. Mariam has a beautiful mom...and you honor her memory with the kindness you send out into the world.

~Thank you Holley, who heard my sadness and went out and bought me Christmas lights. You are the best!

Rest in Peace Rocky

I never met Rocky, but I hear he was adorable. No, I'm not talking another dead baby. I know that's what you've come to expect here, so I wanted to clear that up first thing. lol. Rocky was apparently a rocking horse Christmas ornament made by Samuel's little hands. Rocky was apparently a TASTY Christmas ornament who met his demise in the mouth of one of the four-legged freaks we call our dogs. These guys have now demonstrated a taste for sourdough clay, Valentine's candy, wood, and a "rubbery substance" (my husband's oh-so-helpful description of Rocky's makeup).

Samuel was so proud of Rocky. He told me about him when I got home Tuesday evening. He wanted to show Rocky to me, but couldn't seem to find him. "I'm sure I put him here on this table." Uh...yeah...are you new here? The dogs are ALWAYS snatching things to eat off that table. That's why we have a "no food on that table" rule.

I found the wire that was used t…

Go Vote for Catherine...NOW!

Remember my nomination post for the Support a Mom contest over at The Mom Trap on Clubmom?

Please vote here for Catherine

Contest ends tonight at Midnight.

It's official

After three years, I finally submitted my application to become a member of the American Business Womens Association. Three years of being a guest at their meetings was enough. Though technically I didn't attend three years worth of meetings since I haven't been to a meeting since just before losing Alex. But regardless, they invited me to their holiday party last night and I had such a good time with the ladies that I thought it was time I paid the dues and admitted I actually like them. I feel so grown up.

Houston, we have a problem

So it would appear that our living room ceiling...the one that we thought needed cosmetic repairs from the great water cave-in of 2006...needs STRUCTURAL repairs.

Do you have any idea how much money is involved anytime my contractor says the word STRUCTURAL? And STRUCTUAL REPAIRS...well...that's just not a phrase you want to hear anytime in your life.


It would seem that one of the hand-hewn beams that form the structure for the living room ceiling is cracked...broken...busted. Half of it was apparently cut away at some point in history (that part of the house was built in 1840), in order to install something round (we're thinking a pipe chimney), substantially weakening the structure. Then, at some point, the damn thing broke all the way through and someone reinforced it with a piece of steel. Nice attempt, but not completely efficient...resulting in massive cracks in our ceiling plaster. We thought they were cosmetic and were willing to replace them at some…

Good question

If you need help to get through the death of your children (meds), why not get that help?

Because, quite simply, there is nothing that can be corrected by a chemical readjustment. I've got two dead kids. They'll still be dead and I will have to deal with that when any prescription runs out of refills. I will still have to walk this particular part of the path of grief at some point in time.

I function well. In fact, I think I'm pretty good at my job. I just don't CARE about it. I don't care about a lot of things that I feel like I have to do.

Technically, lack of interest in things is a symptom of depression, yes. A generalized lack of interest in things. That is not this. I love to do things...bake, crochet, blog, play trains with Sam, work on my stuff. Depression runs across life lines and isn't job-specific. If it is, I've been suffering from depression all my life. lol.

I think it is perspective. Acute perspective. Perspective with a laser foc…

Home is where the heart is

I am a big fan of the list format for writing blog entries these days because it is all I can do to focus my brain on any one topic for longer than ten seconds. This is not a good thing for formulating legal arguments either. I am seriously amazed that I have not yet been fired, since my productivity level is down to absolute zero. Heck, the fact that I just used "productivity level" in a sentence (and think I actually used it correctly) is a feat in and of itself. Then I see headlines like this...Sleep-deprived doctors make more mistakes - study...and realize that I'm not the only one going through the motions. I mean really...they did a study on this? This sort of thing makes my work look like rocket science...and I'm a genius...comparatively speaking. But I digress.

So what's going on? What's the problem? The problem is that I just don't have the energy or the desire to care about anything that exists outside of my house. I'm beginning to think this… win...inflatables aren't THAT bad

I'm ready to cry UNCLE in this holiday crazed corner of Boonieville. There are no Christmas lights to be purchased anywhere in this nutty town. SOLD OUT. I'm going to have to leave the state in order to buy I'm soliciting something illegal or elicit.

Hey buddy, know where I can score any good Christmas lights? And I don't mean giant inflatable decorations...I mean lights man...honest to goodness plain old string of LIGHTS. I'm jonesin' man...come a girl out.

And in other insanity...I have discovered something even more absurd than giant inflatable Christmas decorations...

Giant inflatable Christmas decorations on a TIMER.

At the designated time each morning, Santa, his reindeer, and Frosty, all deflate slowly and end up laying on the lawn like someone mowed them down with an oozie. Seriously, I giggle like a crazy person all the way into work as I drive past these houses with deflated Christmas characters littering their lawns. WHAT are thes…

Fake it until you make it holiday campaign guidelines

~Do away with anything annoying. If the lights don't work, don't try to figure out which bulb needs replaced. Throw them out and buy new.

~Eat as much as you want...but have antacid available.

~Drink as much as you want...but don't drive.

~Send Christmas cards to people you like first...then sending the ones to people you don't like so much will be less painful.

~If you must shop, take a list so that you can get in, get what you need, and get out, before the holiday music makes you grind your teeth down to nothing.

~Bake what YOU like...let everyone else worry about themselves.

~Do NOT sort through any belongings having to do with pregnancy or babies until after the new matter how much you wish them out of your house.

~Hang up lots of Christmas decorations (any that survive guideline #1, that is).

~Smile at everyone. No matter what. If nothing else, they will wonder what it is you're plotting.

~Do NOT ask your husband to help you decorate. Either tell him to do it…

My dear friend...secret confessions of the heart

So Friday was the first time I spent any length of time with a pregnant friend since Travis died. And truth be told, I came up with eleven thousand excuses in my head to get out of having to confront this particular phobia at this particular point in time...what with the success of the "fake it till you make it" holiday campaign.

But I couldn't, in good conscience, turn my back on this particular friend. Maybe it is because I love this particular friend like a sister. Maybe it is because I know that this particular friend has suffered and I can justify good stuff happening to her. Maybe it's because I'm not as angry as I thought I was. Who knows. But I crammed down those potential excuses, took a deep breath, and off I went...

...and I'm glad I did.

And here is where the story takes a startling turn...

There was the standard sadness and pain and jealousy. But there was something else. I want to be pregnant.

Where the hell did that come from?!?!

Seriously, I was s…

Be very afraid

So today I discovered that there are a couple of places you do not want to be just a few days before Christmas. Toys R Us is one of them. Holy smokes! Those parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles are C-R-A-Z-Y!!! I felt lucky to get out of there alive.
The bargaining ability of a four-year-old is quite an interesting thing. We went to Toys R Us for one of those Disney Cars TV/DVD combos. Sam wanted to buy a toy. I told him no toys because he was getting the TV. He told me he didn't want the tv anymore and I could put it back! I have obviously failed somewhere in the critical thinking department with this kid.
Sitting in a newly carpeted bedroom upstairs this morning, I said to Steve, "It's less sad to sit in this room than the old room. I mean, it's still sad, but it's LESS sad."

Steve said, "There's even some hope in this room."

The man gets it!


Bad humor life lesson

Christmas isn't the time to foster bad feelings.

That's what funerals are for.


I just finished several months worth of work entering 1026 photographers and their contact information into a database for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

1026 photographers who give their time and talent freely.

1026 photographers who open their hearts to parents who are saying goodbye to a child.

1026 photographers who don't ask for individual recognition but instead quietly represent the spirit of human kindness that this world complains it lacks.

1026 wonderful people.

Home again, home again...slip slide and away

They threw me out of work today. Closed the office and told me to go home. I love living in the snow belt of the Great Lakes! I only wish I would have stayed in bed and not gone in to work in the first place. But a half day off is better than nothing.

Now I'm off to put up some holiday decorations with Steve and Sam (provided I can convince Steve to help me unearth the decorations from the piles of crap in the basement). See ya on the flip side!

It's freezing and snowing

And I felt like my blog should match the frozen tundra around me. I contemplated a Christmas theme...but I'm not quite there yet. So this will have to do.

Dec. 7, 1941

Many of the dead were teenage sailors and Marines away from home for the first time. They died before they had an opportunity to get married, have children, build lives.

Associated Press Story

Never a good sign

Steve is using a screwdriver on my vacuum cleaner.

I sense a new vacuum cleaner in my future.

Miscellaneous thoughts

I snorted. I handed the cashier my money and said, "I think there's seven dollars there, but you better count it because I'm having a bad morning." And then instead of laughing...I snorted. WTF?!?!
I'm not THAT person. I have no other way to say it anymore. I think it means that I'm not the person that people expect me to be. I'm still me. I'm not going to make a scene and embarass you. I'm not going to talk incessantly about my dead kids and make you uncomfortable. I'm not going to cry and dissolve into a puddle at the sight of someone else's baby. I'm not THAT person (though I may be the person who snorts at her own jokes now...but I'm as surprised by that as anybody).
I bought faucets and sinks first thing when demolition started at the end of August. YESTERDAY (go the math...that's three and…

Explain this

Why would you sell a bathroom faucet without the handles?

I'm going to need your help here

You know, last year's Christmas sucked. I gave up all hope of even attempting to have a good time and was pleasantly surprised when I actually enjoyed the day. The lead up to Christmas was painful and I did what little I had to do to not feel guilty for cheating Sam. I didn't do Christmas cards. I didn't attend holiday parties. I was not up for playing Secret Santa for anyone. I yelled and (quite literally) swore while we were putting up the Christmas tree. The only reason I put lights on the outside of the house was because I wanted the extra light to see myself up and down the stairs. And then, of course, we conceived Travis shortly after Christmas and I was ready to tackle this year.

Despite the stunning disaster that that conception and the entire year of 2006 turned out to be, I have decided that I will participate fully in Christmas this year. I signed us up for a ride on the Polar Express. I plan put up a tree and smile while I do it. I will decorate the exterior of…

Customer service for crappy products...or...How to get screwed


We purchased your Etched Rod Set 28"-48" in Rustic Copper and followed the instructions for installation. We drilled 1/8" pilot holes, as directed, and the screw heads were stripped before the screws were completely installed. We had to use pliers to get the stripped-head screws out of the wood and are now short two screws for installation. We therefore respectfully request replacement screws so that we can install the rod system properly. Thank you.

For future reference, if you instruct 1/8" pilot holes then you should provide stronger screws. If you are going to provide the same screws, you should instruct 9/64" pilot holes.

Please send the replacement screws to:

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Dear Catherine:

We apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced with your Decorative Rod System. Our goal is to provide our customers with the highest quality products and service.

Springs Window Fashions i…

Two days left to buy tickets!!!

Sammy Hagar and Arlen Ness Create Motorcycle Masterpiece
National Drawing Will Benefit First Candle - Helping to Prevent SIDS and Stillbirth

Red Rocker Sammy Hagar and famed motorcycle icon Arlen Ness are teaming up to raise awareness and funds among motorcycle enthusiasts in support of First Candle, one of the nation’s leading charities dedicated to infant health and survival. A one-of-a-kind motorcycle has been customized by Arlen Ness with original artwork by Sammy Hagar, and will be awarded to the winning ticket holder in a national drawing to benefit First Candle.

“As a father of four children,” says Sammy Hagar, “I would do anything to help prevent the tragedy of SIDS and stillbirth in the United States. It is an honor to help spread awareness about these tragedies in order to save as many babies’ lives as possible.”

‘The Red Rocker Chopper,’ named after ‘Red Rocker’ Sammy Hagar, is valued at $70,000 and will embark on a promotional tour throughout California, Nevada and South Da…

I'm lucky to call you friend

(My entry for the Support a Mom Contest.)

One of the things about losing a baby that is so difficult is that you feel so very if the world has suddenly turned its back on you and you no longer "fit." Your old life isn't quite right and the new life you're left with is something you really don't want. And then, by some miracle (or the internet), a special kind of person reaches out to you and lets you know that you are not alone...that someone understands. And that someone for me is my friend, Catherine.

Catherine's son, Nicolas, was stillborn in March of 2003. My son, Alex, was stillborn in May of 2005. That sadness that normally relegates grieving mothers to solitude and silent grief is what brought us together. Instead of mourning in private, she showed me the healing to be found in shared tears. And amazingly enough, when I thought I couldn't survive another day of sadness, she helped me find things to smile and laugh about.

Catherine's th…

What happened to my weekend?

I remember when weekends were spent lazing around in pajamas watching television and eating too much junk food. Now? Now weekends are spent rearranging construction crap and laying flooring. Carpet in the hall and walk-in closet...laminate in the bedroom. Or shopping for paint, closet organizers, and rods for hanging clothing. Or carrying heavy closet organizers and dressers up stairs that still need rebuilt.

My hands, legs, and ass hurt.

And I haven't even had a decent cup of coffee!

You can imagine what a treat I am to be around.

We made a trip out to the cemetery to see a wreath laid by Ella's mom and dad. The kindness of people still warms my heart.

Sam spent some time yesterday at a Funtime birthday party. Funtime is apparently a warehouse in which there are huge inflatable slides and bounce houses. He had a great time. And I didn't have to go despite my promise. Steve actually he could have a break from the house. It's really sad if you think about i…

More pictures for home reno geeks like me

The golden peach colored painted (unfinished) stairwell, the new hanging light (which I think I actually like), and the cutest boy in the world...

The tub surround is almost finished. It matches the shower tile with a little extra flair in some decorative tile (that Steve won't mind telling you was $3 for each six inch

An attempt at some Christmas decoration on the only surface that didn't have crap piled on it already...

Off to clean so I can get my stairs done and my living room ceiling repaired this coming week!

Give it a day

You know the great thing about grief? It doesn't hang on in a hard unyielding way. It cycles.

And I can officially declare the latest cycle over.

I notice that my cycles tend to flow with the announcements of pregnancy related matters in other women I know. Not their fault...not my fault...just a fact of life. I feel bad for myself for a day or two and then I find a way to move out of it. It is an incredible effort. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not. Sometimes it doesn't even work and I have to try something else. I hate those days. When fighting my way up out of the darkness is an all-consuming effort. But I do it because I know that there is happiness still to be felt...smiles to smile (I think I'm beginning to sound like a greeting card writer so I will stop).

This time, I deliberately took out a box of cheesey Christmas decorations for the office and set about bringing some holiday cheer to this otherwise dreary place. I didn't hang any of th…


I have a bitch. What's new, right?

I have a bitch about people who use my sons' MemoryOf websites to pay tribute to their own.

The interactive feature on those sites is nice because it allows my friends and family to leave kind words whenever the mood strikes. It's heartwarming to know that they think of us (sometimes at very odd times of the day and night).

But there is a hidden drawback to the interactive feature of an online tribute page. OTHER people who look specifically for pages of dead children so that they can leave comments about their own dead children.

Now, I understand the need to connect...that's why my email is available on those pages. But why must these people light candles or leave tributes that are more about their own loved ones than the person for whom the page is dedicated. I personally think it's tacky. And rude. Would they go to someone's funeral and only talk about themselves? Ha! I should know better than to ask that...because maybe the…