Crash

When I was 18 years old, I wasn't paying attention while driving and I crashed my parents' van into a cruck (car with a truck bed) that was sitting on the side of the road. I was hysterical. Crying and wailing and just generally making a scene. People kept asking me if I was hurt and I kept telling them I wasn't...but all I could think was how I had let my parents down...how my Dad was going to kill me. I think the police officer was even concerned I came from an abusive home because he asked me, "Are you afraid of your father?" Thinking back now, it's kind of funny, actually.

My father was awesome and only asked if I was hurt. He never said a word about disappointment or anger or anything. But still, I had nightmares of all the horrible things that could have happened. My sister had been sitting in the passenger seat and it was her side of the van that got smashed ($4500 worth of smashed). I refused to drive until my mom had finally had enough of carting my ass around and told me I'd "better get behind the wheel...now or never." It was an effort for me, but I did it with my mom and dad's support.

I don't think I ever thanked my parents properly for how they handled that accident. And I'm probably breaking some rule of etiquette by doing it here but I'm going to do it anyway. Thanks mom and dad.

There are a lot of things that could have come out of that moment. But the one thing that sticks in my mind is the love and support that was so freely given...even though we all know I screwed up big time.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I have crashed again and it's going to be a tightrope to walk with any and all responses.

Let me say that I'm sorry to anyone who I lied to during the last week or so. I've been going back and forth about posting this post for the past week, hoping that my ultrasound on Tuesday would have helped alleviate my fears. It did not. So I am posting this anyway. I need to get it "out there" so that I can stop obsessing all by myself (and start obsessing with all of you lovely bloggy people).

In this post I have kept a running blog post of all the things I WANTED to say while I was under blog silence.

1st trimester: March 17, 2007 to June 15, 2007. (0 - 12 weeks)
2nd trimester: June 16, 2007 to September 28, 2007. (13 - 27 weeks)
3rd trimester: September 29, 2007 to December 22, 2007. (28 - 40 weeks)

~The night before I tested, I told Steve I was late but that I didn't think I was pregnant because I had no other symptoms. I talked him into going and buying me a test because I didn't want to "waste" my digital one on a false alarm (which I was sure it was). Then I talked him out of going and buying me a test.

~I took the digital home pregnancy test while Steve was out feeding the horses. When he came in, I said, "You want drama or the straight scoop?" He said, "Um...both?" I said, "I'm pregnant." He smiled and said, "No matter what happens, I will always love you." I told him to remember that if we're standing in the cemetery again in a few months. He laughed and agreed.

~I told my sister that I'm a walking "abstinence is best" poster that has the slogan "one time is all it takes" written on it. Too much information? Sorry.

~As the above website indicates, I am excited. I am choosing to focus on the positive every single second that I can manage it. I slip up occasionally, but I have family and friends to smack me and set me straight. I'm counting on your voices of reason too.

~A day later, I realized that the positive home pregnancy test announcing this baby's existence will forever be linked to the horrible events at Virginia Tech. It is strange to think of how our lives twist and turn and intersect (or not). I will never meet those people at Va.Tech. But (no matter how this pregnancy turns out) we will always have a connection in history now.

~I am on daily injections of a prophylactic dose of Lovenox (a blood thinner). Because of the inconclusive results of Travis' autopsy, we're just going to go at this thing with the widest net possible. I don't mind if it increases my odds of bringing home a living baby. But I gotta say...ouch!

~The pregnancy calendar says "Blastocyst becomes an embryo. Congratulations!"

~I am already convinced this baby is dead.

~Steve is not a pillar of support. He's as scared as I am. Though he did convince me that it wouldn't be a bad thing to share this news with people...so at least he's still more rational than I am.

~I decided to grab hold of a positive attitude and buy some maternity clothes. (Deep breath). I got the shipping notice today. When they arrive, I plan to put them in a closet and not look at them for a few weeks.

~My first OB appointment was Tuesday and I thought I was going to be sick. Actually, I almost chickened out and didn't go. And there were several moments along the journey to the OB's office where I thought, "Hey, I could turn off here and go shopping, dining, bird-watching." But I managed the straight line to the appointment. I didn't want to cry...and I think I held it together pretty well.

~To his credit, my OB did apologize for giving me the, "Lightening doesn't strike twice," lecture during my pregnancy with Travis.

~5w2d ultrasound showed nothing. Just a sac. I go back in two weeks for another visit and u/s...that would be May 8th...at which we should see everything if things are going right. And if they're not going right...well...May 8th already sucks, so it's not going to be too big a deal.

~There are people I do not wish to share this with. But it seems like the moment you tell people, you become sort of public property. I will do my best to smile and thank them for their support...I will.

~Whatever is going on in there, it caused me to pull a muscle last night (and one on the opposite side the night before) while turning over in bed. Yeah...I'm a bit out of shape.

~Ambivalent is a good word.

Let me be clear. This was NOT in the plan. I was charting to AVOID being pregnant in May since May has such a stellar track record. I apparently didn't chart correctly. This is not bravery. This is not at all what I wanted. This is...well...this is just in line with my luck...and the universe's sick sense of humor.

Already good advice from friends...
And yes.... the timing does suck on this. Here is my thought and it is going to be harsh, but true: you do OK in the first trimester. It seems to be the second and third trimesters are where problems develop. So, I think you get a pass for the next 6-7 weeks. There is nothing to do one way or another at this point -- so you can deal with anniversaries and that crappy month of May and start to worry about THIS pregnancy on June 1. OK? June 1. Until then, just show up for the minimum to make your doctor happy and to keep you somewhat in the game. I reallly think that December baby will wait it out OK.