Thursday, April 26, 2007

Crash

When I was 18 years old, I wasn't paying attention while driving and I crashed my parents' van into a cruck (car with a truck bed) that was sitting on the side of the road. I was hysterical. Crying and wailing and just generally making a scene. People kept asking me if I was hurt and I kept telling them I wasn't...but all I could think was how I had let my parents down...how my Dad was going to kill me. I think the police officer was even concerned I came from an abusive home because he asked me, "Are you afraid of your father?" Thinking back now, it's kind of funny, actually.

My father was awesome and only asked if I was hurt. He never said a word about disappointment or anger or anything. But still, I had nightmares of all the horrible things that could have happened. My sister had been sitting in the passenger seat and it was her side of the van that got smashed ($4500 worth of smashed). I refused to drive until my mom had finally had enough of carting my ass around and told me I'd "better get behind the wheel...now or never." It was an effort for me, but I did it with my mom and dad's support.

I don't think I ever thanked my parents properly for how they handled that accident. And I'm probably breaking some rule of etiquette by doing it here but I'm going to do it anyway. Thanks mom and dad.

There are a lot of things that could have come out of that moment. But the one thing that sticks in my mind is the love and support that was so freely given...even though we all know I screwed up big time.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I have crashed again and it's going to be a tightrope to walk with any and all responses.

Let me say that I'm sorry to anyone who I lied to during the last week or so. I've been going back and forth about posting this post for the past week, hoping that my ultrasound on Tuesday would have helped alleviate my fears. It did not. So I am posting this anyway. I need to get it "out there" so that I can stop obsessing all by myself (and start obsessing with all of you lovely bloggy people).

In this post I have kept a running blog post of all the things I WANTED to say while I was under blog silence.

1st trimester: March 17, 2007 to June 15, 2007. (0 - 12 weeks)
2nd trimester: June 16, 2007 to September 28, 2007. (13 - 27 weeks)
3rd trimester: September 29, 2007 to December 22, 2007. (28 - 40 weeks)

~The night before I tested, I told Steve I was late but that I didn't think I was pregnant because I had no other symptoms. I talked him into going and buying me a test because I didn't want to "waste" my digital one on a false alarm (which I was sure it was). Then I talked him out of going and buying me a test.

~I took the digital home pregnancy test while Steve was out feeding the horses. When he came in, I said, "You want drama or the straight scoop?" He said, "Um...both?" I said, "I'm pregnant." He smiled and said, "No matter what happens, I will always love you." I told him to remember that if we're standing in the cemetery again in a few months. He laughed and agreed.

~I told my sister that I'm a walking "abstinence is best" poster that has the slogan "one time is all it takes" written on it. Too much information? Sorry.

~As the above website indicates, I am excited. I am choosing to focus on the positive every single second that I can manage it. I slip up occasionally, but I have family and friends to smack me and set me straight. I'm counting on your voices of reason too.

~A day later, I realized that the positive home pregnancy test announcing this baby's existence will forever be linked to the horrible events at Virginia Tech. It is strange to think of how our lives twist and turn and intersect (or not). I will never meet those people at Va.Tech. But (no matter how this pregnancy turns out) we will always have a connection in history now.

~I am on daily injections of a prophylactic dose of Lovenox (a blood thinner). Because of the inconclusive results of Travis' autopsy, we're just going to go at this thing with the widest net possible. I don't mind if it increases my odds of bringing home a living baby. But I gotta say...ouch!

~The pregnancy calendar says "Blastocyst becomes an embryo. Congratulations!"

~I am already convinced this baby is dead.

~Steve is not a pillar of support. He's as scared as I am. Though he did convince me that it wouldn't be a bad thing to share this news with people...so at least he's still more rational than I am.

~I decided to grab hold of a positive attitude and buy some maternity clothes. (Deep breath). I got the shipping notice today. When they arrive, I plan to put them in a closet and not look at them for a few weeks.

~My first OB appointment was Tuesday and I thought I was going to be sick. Actually, I almost chickened out and didn't go. And there were several moments along the journey to the OB's office where I thought, "Hey, I could turn off here and go shopping, dining, bird-watching." But I managed the straight line to the appointment. I didn't want to cry...and I think I held it together pretty well.

~To his credit, my OB did apologize for giving me the, "Lightening doesn't strike twice," lecture during my pregnancy with Travis.

~5w2d ultrasound showed nothing. Just a sac. I go back in two weeks for another visit and u/s...that would be May 8th...at which we should see everything if things are going right. And if they're not going right...well...May 8th already sucks, so it's not going to be too big a deal.

~There are people I do not wish to share this with. But it seems like the moment you tell people, you become sort of public property. I will do my best to smile and thank them for their support...I will.

~Whatever is going on in there, it caused me to pull a muscle last night (and one on the opposite side the night before) while turning over in bed. Yeah...I'm a bit out of shape.

~Ambivalent is a good word.

Let me be clear. This was NOT in the plan. I was charting to AVOID being pregnant in May since May has such a stellar track record. I apparently didn't chart correctly. This is not bravery. This is not at all what I wanted. This is...well...this is just in line with my luck...and the universe's sick sense of humor.

Already good advice from friends...
And yes.... the timing does suck on this. Here is my thought and it is going to be harsh, but true: you do OK in the first trimester. It seems to be the second and third trimesters are where problems develop. So, I think you get a pass for the next 6-7 weeks. There is nothing to do one way or another at this point -- so you can deal with anniversaries and that crappy month of May and start to worry about THIS pregnancy on June 1. OK? June 1. Until then, just show up for the minimum to make your doctor happy and to keep you somewhat in the game. I reallly think that December baby will wait it out OK.

64 comments:

Anonymous said...

Catherine. I have no idea what to say other than I love you so very much and I'm hoping, dreaming, screaming at the universe, hell, I'll even pray that everything is perfect in there. Congratulations my friend.

~Kathi

Elizabeth said...

Congratulations! I'm praying for you and the newest wee-one.

I'm so nervous and so excited for you that I'm shaking.

Fingers, toes, eyes, legs, everything is crossed.

r_is_moody said...

Congrats. It is so good to see you trying to say positive, I know how terribly hard that must be. I will be praying for you and baby that all goes well.

AJW5403 said...

Congratulations you blind sided me with this post! I know how worried you must be and I want to wish you peace durring this pregnancy. Here is to a happy and healthy 9 months.

pipsylou said...

holy shit, catherine.

congratulations. i am adding you to my little prayer notebook right now. that probably made you laugh, but i'm dead serious.

I LOVE YOU!

three minute palaver said...

Oh Catherine, I am so happy for you that you have the enormous courage walk this path again. The stakes are so, so high but the reward if we get *lucky* is completely worth everything we suffer and endure. You really are my hero and I will be supporting and cheering you on from the side lines all the way to Dec 22. Now, come on baby, GROW, GROW, GROW :)

Sherry said...

Catherine, I am here for you.

MB said...

Well, welcome to the world of Lovenox! We should compare bruises! Anything you need, you let me know.

Hugs.

DD said...

Fingers resting on the keyboard, trying to think of something to say...

I want this for you as badly as I would want it for myself. Truly.

Janice said...

First, congratulations! The universe does have a sick sense of humor and just further proof that we really have no control over anything! :o)

Second, you are in my prayers to be given the strength and courage to handle whatever happens. Even if that means actually enjoying this. (as hard as that will be)

Third, I am proud of you for trying to keep things in the positive.

Lastly, you already know this but we are all here for you...for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Much love and peace.
Janice

JMB said...

Wow is about all I can manage. I'm not the type to tear up when I read blog posts, but when I hit the link to your other site, I couldn't help it. I so want this for you-for Steve, and for Sam.

Even though the universe may be sick, a line from a movie has always stuck with me...life will find a way. I certainly hope that it finds its way for you. I'm so happy to read that you've made the decision to try to see the positive in this-it's a hard choice, but you deserve this piece of happiness.

Onward and upwards! (And that last piece of advice from your friends couldn't be more right on.)

Anonymous said...

Catherine,

I'm a long time lurker who just wants to wish you and Steve all the best. I'm sending you nothing but good thoughts.

Maureen

Emma's Mum said...

I was very happy to come across this news today! Last year, when I felt like I really had nowhere to turn, I came across your blog and you were(and continue to be) so helpful to me. I have been kind of quiet lately (posting and commenting), but I always check in with you and will be here supporting you every step of the way! Sending good thoughts to you.......

kate said...

Well, all i have to say is that i am damn glad i broke my 'week off' rule and checked your blog today! I agree with your friend's advice...and am sending a caution congratulatons...you and this new baby will be in my thoughts!

Julia said...

I am hopeful for you. The two week waits are the worst. I am crossing all my bits for a nice little flicker on May 8th.

pipsylou said...

p.s. I KNEW something was up because you hadn't been blogging anything much recently! AND I hope your "friend" gets great use out of the doppler! :) just for the record, this kid is a girl.

Dunn Family said...

So happy to read your news. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I have been reading for over a year now...watching your journey. (Too chicken to talk about my own) Can't wait to follow your story, keeping you in my prayers...Kim

Anonymous said...

Another reader (I hate the lurker name...I swear I'm not creepy!) Sending you peaceful thoughts through the next months! How Wnderful!

Robyn

Laura said...

A long-time lurker here wishing you good things. The line "No matter what happens, I will always love you" almost made me cry.

delphi said...

I burst into shivers and tears at the same time.

Good, good news. Praying hard for a perfect 239 days.

Anam Cara said...

I also want to wish you well. Sending lots of support and hugs your way.

serenity said...

A long time lurker here - I did NOT expect this post. (To be fair, I am not sure what I did expect.)

Hoping (dare I say praying?) all the best for you and Steve. You'll be in my thoughts.

*hug*

Shinny said...

Congratulations! I left a note on your guestbook but I suppose I should put one here too.

So happy for you and everything crossed that it all works out for you. Know I am here for you no matter what.

Kathy McC said...

Congratulations!! I am shocked, nervous, excited and so happy for you!! Wonderful!

Artblog said...

You sly thing you, I had to read at least three times before i got it!

All I can say is, I really, really, sincerely hope this one stays around till the very end and then after. I can just imagine the fears in your head and in your heart.

Very, very best of luck!

XXXXX

Dawn from the frozen north said...

Wow, that came out of the blue. Congratulations, and we're hoping for the best for you.

Aurelia said...

I'm shocked, floored, happy for you, and crying right now.

This is awesome, and you have a great husband, and I love what he said, and I'm so glad luvenox exists!!!!!

mopsy said...

Catherine, I am also delurking to congratulate you.

Your friend's advice is great.

Treggles said...

Catherine!

A big fat WOW from me to add to your collection.

Wow!

Marcia said...

I, like "artblog", read...and read, again, to be sure you were really saying what I thought you said!! Congratulations, Catherine! You, Steve, Sam, and this tiny precious new little one will be constantly in my thoughts and prayers!

Sami said...

I like your friends advice... in the meantime though I am sending up some prayers for the next while... okay for a long while that are for all of you... I think the lovenox is a good idea... sorry it is ouchy... I'm not sure of any tips or tricks to make that easier. Will keep my fingers crossed that May 8th brings some well needed good news.

Jill said...

You're a dark horse Miss Catherine:) I'm so very happy for you and of course hoping for the very best of pregnancies for you. That way you can be totally neurotic in relative comfort:)

Julie said...

Cathy, I couldn't be happier for you!! I am wishing you only the best! (((hugs)))

Bronwyn said...

Well, blow me down with a feather! Congratulations, mama. All the best to you and the family. May Alex and Travis look down and keep this little one safe until he's ready to come kicking and screaming into the world :)

Lori said...

Wow.... All I can think of is wow right now. Wonderful news, but I also understand your ambivalence. Oh, a subsequent pregnancy is so hard, and this is your subsequent, subsequent pregnancy. Ouch. I will be praying May is kind to you, and that this baby continues to grow healthy and strong until December!

Brenda said...

This is so exciting but I do understand that you will be a little worried (big bit worried) and your head will be doing cartwheels!

Hang in there and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Hugs
xxx

Hedda said...

I learned after losing my son that I will never have another innocent pregnancy. Unfortunately, you know that, too.

I am excited and scared for you all at the same time.

We are all here for you.

vixanne wigg said...

Oh wow, Catherine. I don't pray, but I may start just for you. I hope hope hope hope so much that things work out this time.

Lisa P. said...

Didn't you say something once about burying your lead?? This was a WHOPPER!! :)

I'm very happy for you. I am also going to be thinking good, positive, healthy thoughts for that embryo and for you, too. You deserve this... and I want it to go perfectly for you.

((((many hugs))))

AmyO said...

Congratulations!

I hope you don't mind me praying for a very uneventful beautiful pregnancy for you and the baby.

Catherine, you are a pillar of strength your blog has helped me heal, feel not alone with my two girls that I lost.

With love, fingers & toes crossed, and that all goes so well!

Hugs,

Amy O

Patience said...

Wow.... so good but sheer terror until December. One day at a time my love x

Mrs. Fun said...

squeeze...kiss..squeeze...kiss

pipsylou said...

Coming back just to tell you I'm stalking your blog and just LOOK at all these people who love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

niobe said...

Wow. I can only imagine how, well, ambivalent you must feel. I'm very hopeful for you and for a good May 8 ultrasound.

kari said...

another lurker writing to say this news made me cry. and i am not a weepy woman. your blog was the first i found after losing my daughter at 38 wks almost two years ago and i've looked to you for strength ever since.
couple of thoughts ... in my two pregancies that made it past 6 weeks, ultrasound didn't show much more than a sac until halfway between 6-7 weeks. i was on lovenox my last pregancy, and while the shots hurt like hell and leave evil bruises, she's the only live child i've had out of five pregnancies. and she was a surprise pregnancy, too!
i'm sending all my positive thoughts your way...

BasilBean said...

Well, what is to be said that hasn't been said already?

I will add to the WOWs, because I found myself thinking "which blog did I click on?"

I am just filled with happiness for you. Of course I am aware of the complexities...

You will be in my thoughts and I will continue to check on you regularly.

WOW

Kim said...

You are not going to have an easy time of with your history. I hope so much that this is it for you and your husband. Most of all, I just wish you peace and that you can enjoy being pregnant. It is a wonderful thing.

BethGo said...

Wow. Just wow.
I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. You will be in my thoughts, Catherine.
I am hoping the best for you all.

Tendersoul said...

As you can see, you have so many people behind you and loving you through this. I am no exception. It is my hope that you are able to go through this peacefully (easier said than done, I believe). You deserve a gentle, calm and certainly blissful journey. Congratulations, Catherine.

Lori said...

A long time lurker here, just wanting to wish you the best. I know that you're not in the best "place" with God right now, but please know, that someone in the blogosphere will be praying for you and that little bean.

I'll also join the other commentor in crossing *everything* that I possibly can, and sending you all of the positive, stay healthy Mommy and baby vibes that I can possibly gather from everywhere in the universe!!!!!

Many (((hugs))) coming your way!

Ruby said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!

I am so happy for you!

WOW!

Athena said...

O MY! I can barely type, my eyes are so full of tears. I am praying for you and this baby as I am writing! I'll be praying for your whole family. I'm so glad you're excited! I'm excited for you!

Athena said...

PS I am proud of you for being so positive!

Robyn said...

Another long time reader (and non-commenter) coming out of the woodwork to say "CONGRATULATIONS" to all of you.

Keep a tight grip on the end of the rope...wishing you strength and joy!

Hugs

Carlynn said...

I just checked your blog after a loooong time away and I am so happy to read your news. I have a goofy smile on my face here as I write this.

GLouise said...

I am so excited to read this! Congratulations! I am praying for you ;-)

Tijmetje said...

I don't read your blog often (I keep forgetting the address and I can't subsribe to yours for some reason) but Pipsylou shared the news and I just had to come over and congratulate you.

I hope all will go well.

sweetcoalminer said...

Catherine, I hope you are deservedly rewarded this time.

Anonymous said...

congratulations & sending you strong baby vibes! your sp.

Casey said...

Delurking to say I'm thinking of you, and wishing you strength.

Wendy said...

Congratulations. I know you will be scared and it will be a loooong pregnancy, but I hope nothing but the best for you.

Indigo975 said...

Delurking to say CONGRATS! Hope this pregnancy brings you everything you want and more!

Samantha said...

Congrats Catherine.

One day at a time...

The Princess said...

Where the heck have I been? I have not been a good lurker!

Oh, I'm so here for you and happy and nervous at the same time.

This is amazing!