Monday, May 02, 2016

Another May

Jill has died and her daughter will celebrate her 10th birthday in nine days without her. All three of her daughters will celebrate all of their birthdays without her from now on.
 
A friend reminded me that today would have been Lisa's 46th birthday. I miss her. I hope she greets Jill with a big hug and an even bigger bottle of wine.
 
In six days I will celebrate Mother's Day and commemorate the deaths of my babies...on the same day.
 
As Jill would say, it's just wrong...all of it.
 
If anyone needs me, I'll be the curled up in a corner waiting for May to be over.

Friday, April 08, 2016

Anniversary or midlife crisis...take your pick

April 8th is here...so I'm going to complain here about some other things...in the hopes that they might distract me from...well...ALL OF IT.

Bankruptcy is over. But I messed up my bookkeeping and we owe a hefty federal income tax bill. Good thing we weren't planning a vacation this year. And good thing my husband isn't the "WTF were you doing?" type (which seems totally unfair...because I've realized I AM that type and I criticize WAY TOO much...but I digress). The thing is this...I have things I want to do...but I have ZERO patience and ZERO money. I want it all NOW. I don't want to have to plan and save and work (sheesh...I sound like Veruca Salt...but I'm not asking for luxury things...just normal everyday things).

My shower's been busted for more than a year. I have to use "the cats' bathroom." You know the one...with the kitty litter that is ALWAYS on the tile to step on...no matter HOW MANY TIMES I sweep it up. And I have to walk from one end of the house to the other...which is..."invigorating" is a good word for it.

My kitchen. One word...gross. There is a HOLE in the floor under my refrigerator. Not a small one...but one that critters obviously can fit through. The wall that my son divested of wallpaper SIX YEARS AGO is still in the same post-peel state (and yellow...SO yellow). But oh-my-heck...the THOUGHT of tearing it all up and re-doing it...yuck!

I desperately want a photography studio. I've found several options. But thanks to that hefty tax bill, I no longer have the money. Add to this the fact that I am not happy in my job and today is April 8th...and you have one surly b**** on your hands.

My body has widened and/or my husband has shrunk a lot of my clothes...so nothing fits (and I hate whatever does fit). So I need new clothes for work (at home I'm perfectly satisfied to wear pajamas).

I want to go bike-riding with my family. My husband has a broken bike tire. WHY WON'T HE TAKE IT IN TO BE FIXED?!?!

Both cars need repairs.

The horses need their hooves trimmed (*My husband is taking care of this this morning!).

I need to go to the DMV...it doesn't even matter why...I mean...it's the DMV...kill me now.

I need a camera battery and high-quality SD cards for my weddings this year.

The floors are filthy because it's spring thaw time and I have nine dogs. WHY the f*** do I have NINE dogs? Oh...I love them...but SOME DAYS...sigh...

I know, I know, I know...take it one thing at a time...

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

First time mom

My Baby Sam is thirteen years old...going to be fourteen. And I'm still a first time mom. While the baby and toddler stuff was manageable and the grade school stuff was frustrating, this teenager stuff...this guiding him into adulthood...I'm completely lost. I'm even checking out parenting books again!

Dear Spring...f*** off!

It's that time of year again. I feel it headed at me like a freaking freight train. April 8th...May 8th...May 11th... 

I don't want to wish time away...there is so precious little of it. 

So I'm trying to be busy.

Paying taxes. Planning the summer. Creating welcome gifts for my photography clients. Binge watching Supergirl with my boys. Eating takeout way too much. Wearing sandals even though it's only 37 degrees out. Yelling at my family over stupid stuff. Thinking about gardening again (that's a whole other post). Searching real estate listings for a photography studio space. Faking my way through meetings at my day job. Figuring out my new camera. Surfing Pinterest for kitchen remodel ideas. 

More good than bad. I just wish it wasn't such work to enjoy chirping birds in a bright blue cloudless sky. Maybe someday I'll get there?

Monday, February 22, 2016

Life after loss with an 8-year-old

Myles: "Mom, what does TLC mean? Oh...yeah...right...Travis Leo Colgan. What's Dad bringing home for lunch?"

Friday, January 29, 2016

Miscellaneous thoughts

It's been a while...but it's time for a Friday miscellaneous thoughts!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Myles lost a front tooth...I don't remember when...but it seems like it's taking a much longer time than it should to grow in an adult tooth. I'm obsessing over this tooth. I've searched photos from the last year to try to pinpoint when it fell out...to decide when I should be worried enough to take him to the dentist (for what, I'm certain, will be some horribly painful procedure to install a fake tooth). Yeah. So...I'm a bit mental.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I'm realizing that I am not who I want to be. The personality traits that I have despised for many years are popping up in my own personality...but I'm too tired (all.the.time) to do a dang thing about it. Or maybe that's an excuse. Whatever. I just need to find "happy" and "nice" again...somewhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I have two dogs I don't want. I love them as much as I can...but I never wanted them. I took them as fosters and then my relationship with the animal welfare organization fell apart and the dogs just sort of stayed with me. They are sweet dogs. There's no reason not to want them. Except I don't want them...and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Our bankruptcy was discharged in December. Now we need to save our pennies and buy a new (to us) car. I don't really like being an adult.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Today's lunch is pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, and Fritoes (is that suppose to be spelled with an e? or no? is it like potatoes/potatos? Either way...real healthy.).
-------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of healthy...I have a fitbit. I've had it since July and it hasn't motivated me all that much. I'm thinking they should include some sort of electric shocker in it to make lazy asses like mine move as intended.
-------------------------------------------------------------
It's time to change the photos that adorn my office walls. I've done local "landmarks" in black and white...and flowers/nature in color...what should I do next? It's winter here...so there's not a lot of choices. I'm going to have to find some inspiration. Pinterest, here I come!
-------------------------------------------------------------