Friday, January 29, 2016

Miscellaneous thoughts

It's been a while...but it's time for a Friday miscellaneous thoughts!
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Myles lost a front tooth...I don't remember when...but it seems like it's taking a much longer time than it should to grow in an adult tooth. I'm obsessing over this tooth. I've searched photos from the last year to try to pinpoint when it fell out...to decide when I should be worried enough to take him to the dentist (for what, I'm certain, will be some horribly painful procedure to install a fake tooth). Yeah. So...I'm a bit mental.
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I'm realizing that I am not who I want to be. The personality traits that I have despised for many years are popping up in my own personality...but I'm too tired (all.the.time) to do a dang thing about it. Or maybe that's an excuse. Whatever. I just need to find "happy" and "nice" again...somewhere.
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I have two dogs I don't want. I love them as much as I can...but I never wanted them. I took them as fosters and then my relationship with the animal welfare organization fell apart and the dogs just sort of stayed with me. They are sweet dogs. There's no reason not to want them. Except I don't want them...and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.
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Our bankruptcy was discharged in December. Now we need to save our pennies and buy a new (to us) car. I don't really like being an adult.
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Today's lunch is pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, and Fritoes (is that suppose to be spelled with an e? or no? is it like potatoes/potatos? Either way...real healthy.).
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Speaking of healthy...I have a fitbit. I've had it since July and it hasn't motivated me all that much. I'm thinking they should include some sort of electric shocker in it to make lazy asses like mine move as intended.
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It's time to change the photos that adorn my office walls. I've done local "landmarks" in black and white...and flowers/nature in color...what should I do next? It's winter here...so there's not a lot of choices. I'm going to have to find some inspiration. Pinterest, here I come!
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Thursday, January 21, 2016

Where we are today

So...I can see I've only used this place as a dumping ground for a while. I know it's no fun to read...so I locked it down so nobody can read. I'd say it defeats the purpose of writing it...but I'm not sure what the purpose of writing it actually is anymore.

The last we left our little hamlet, the older boy was entering middle school and the younger was entering kindergarten. Then there was a lot of random grief and self-pity here for a couple years. And now here we are. The older boy is on the verge of graduating middle school and the younger boy is astonishing us all with his mastery of second grade skills. So here's the roundup 2016 Xmas letter I didn't send...for my benefit and yours.

Sam has not adjusted well to the demands of middle school. For the most part, his grades are average because he is not motivated and he has ZERO organizational skills. I'm hoping he'll get there...to that point where he "gets it" and is willing to make the personal investment. But I fear he's a little more laid back than that (like his father...which is very distressing for me/the planner-and-rule-follower). He plays the trombone really well for his age...and he seems to enjoy it (we just paid it off yesterday...so I hope he enjoys it for a while longer). In exchange for a car ride home from school every day, he is now practicing...which I hope will serve him well in high school band.

Myles proudly told me that he is the BEST reader in his class and he is reading at a FIFTH grade level (he is the ONLY one in his class who is allowed to read that level). He has terrible handwriting...an inherited trait that no amount of practice is going to overcome, I'm afraid. That's ok...he's learning early that it's ok to not be perfect. He has decided that this year our new year's resolution is "to be more positive (yay!)." I'm along for the ride...and it has definitely helped me find a smile a couple of times I probably wouldn't have otherwise.

Steve is Steve. Unshakable. Unbreakable. Like a rock. This is good and bad...but neither of us is a saint...so I guess I'll leave that alone.

Me? Well...I'm not sure who I am anymore. I hate my job at the Prosecutor's office, but I can't afford to quit it without causing further financial damage (our bankruptcy was just discharged...so I should at least pretend to be an adult for a while). I love my job as a photographer...but my business is not at the stage I would like it to be...and that is frustrating me somewhat. I'm overweight and I wear a fitbit...but my treadmill is very very very quiet. My children would love to eat meals at the dining room table...but when I sit at the table, I see all the things wrong with my house [the home improvement sort of stopped for a while]...so I eat upstairs in bed or in the office (I REALLY want to modify this behavior...I think it will be good for all of us...but the house just needs so much work and it's exhausting just thinking about it). I don't think this is depression...I think this is mid-life...and, quite honestly, it ain't all that wonderful. I know I could do things to live with more intention...be present...create meaning...zzzzzzzz. It's hard to get excited about anything when you realize the best Christmas gift you received was a humidifier. I mean...really...I love that thing...and now I feel OLD!

This is fun...I think I'm going to try to make this a habit. I feel all kinds of guilt and sadness that so many years were lost in grief and sadness. So I'm working hard to make up for it. Disneyland in 2014. Washington DC in 2015. Goal...Ireland in 2017 or 2018 (fingers crossed). But I also need to do better with the daily record. I need to create something so my children will know that I wasn't always this miserable creature with a broken heart. Honestly...the BEST moments of every day are when I arrive home and I hear, "Is that mom? MOMMY!" [and they come running to greet me with hugs and kisses...both of them]. I love those moments...and I want to remember them forever. And since my mind is less and less likely to actually REMEMBER anything...I think I should write these things down.

Yeah...more fun...less woe-is-me! Here we go!

Monday, May 11, 2015

Ten years

It is impossible to describe what it is like to live ten years with a broken heart. Patched and sewn together pieces that never really quite fit back together the way they should. 

How can the feeling of him be so far away while the pain of losing him still hurts so much? 

Alex would be ten if he had lived. Ten. So many things we've missed...so many more we will miss.

The idea that this will go on for the rest of my life makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

When you don't medal in the Pain Olympics

I didn't struggle to keep my babies alive. There weren't any complications to deal with. My babies weren't born alive. They didn't face their own struggles to stay alive. They just died. One day they were alive and kicking inside me and the next day they were dead. No warning. No choices to be made. I suppose it wasn't the worst it could be. It still wasn't easy.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Closed up shop

It seems like the only way for me to visit "those days" is to read something written by someone else. And so I don't...but I want to.

I selfishly closed up this blog because I can't stand the thought of anyone else joining my circle. Not out of any concern for them...but for me. Selfish. That makes me one of the people who can't or won't understand...can't or won't lend support. And that makes me ashamed.

Even more shameful, I don't want potential clients stumbling upon my blog and reading my truth. They are young and in love and starting out on a path where nothing bad will likely happen to them for a while. I don't want to scare them off of my photography. I need to hide. And that makes me sad.

I wish I could say that everything has made me a better person. But in a lot of ways, I'm a worse person. I am self-involved. Very self-involved. I'm less likely to give a crap. I'm less likely to be "present" or "involved." And that disgusts me. 

My friends live in my computer. We joke about it. But it's not a joke. I feel lonely. And that makes me bitter and angry. What is so wrong with me? The problem is, I already know the answer to that. 

I want to revisit "those days" when, where, and how I want to. I want to read and write and cry at my keyboard. I resent that doing so makes me feel guilty. I resent that I can't focus on myself without feeling shame. I resent that I have to shut the door and hide. I resent that everything seems to have more meaning than it should. 

I just want to truly feel happy again.