Showing posts from March, 2007

The clothes dryer is upstairs

And there is one additional hole in a brand-new-freshly-painted wall.

The washer is in the process of being moved...and my kitchen is now covered in warm water. (Mel...imagine the shower scene from the Manville Apartment)


Why don't husbands listen????????????????

Do I let the kid win and put up a Disney Cars shower curtain in the pretty purple bathroom? It will be ugly but it will make him happy. What to do, what to do...

So we compromised. I bought him a Disney Cars toy and he let me buy a butterfly shower curtain. :o)

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Since I've been mostly bed-ridden during the past week, I don't have much interesting to say. So this week's miscellaneous thoughts are mostly devoted to the talking idiot box on my wall.
First...PLEASE cross your fingers, say a prayer, throw salt over your shoulder, dance naked around a candle in your living room...whatever it is that you do for good luck. Steve got called back for a second interview and it is TODAY. :o)

Oh...and if you dance naked around a candle in your living room please don't take pictures. Nobody wants to see that.
Hell's Kitchen returns Mondays at 9pm, starting June 4.
LOST...ummm...WTF?!?! These people enjoy tormenting me, don't they? Spiders AND being buried alive in the same episode?!?!
Notes from the Underbelly?!?!?! Somebody shoot me...NOW!

Shameless plea for donations

Two really good causes. $5 each would make a big difference. And what is that really? A couple fewer expensive cups of coffee?

First, The MOM Project is desperately in need of funds. We are trying to achieve two goals...the first is to maintain our supply of free mother's bracelets to grieving mothers. The second is to obtain our tax-exempt status (which is not ironic is that?).

Second, my animal rescue friend, Kelly, is participating in the Relay for Life. She has been very kind to me during the last two years and I would love to return the favor and provide her some support. She is already planning to walk in memory of her grandmother and her friend's son...and in honor of her mother, stepfather, sister-in-law, boyfriend, and even her dog (who is also a cancer survivor). If you are so inclined to donate, she will walk in memory/honor of your loved one(s).

Please understand, I do love you

I lie in the dark and the words stampede around and around in my brain as if they are looking for a way out. Only at night. Why do they only seem willing to run free at night when I am trying to contain them so that I might sleep?

Last Saturday I replaced two tiny Christmas trees at the cemetery with two Easter with Easter bunnies in the center...very festive. And I didn't feel a thing. I felt cold and dead and ready to curl up on top of the wet earth...and just...give up. It is tiresome having to go through the motions season after season, pretending to care for that little plot of earth that I wish never existed. It wears heavy on my body. My bones ache with the weight of trudging through another day. My arms ache to hold them Sickly enough, I'm jealous of those saying goodbye today to their little ones because they are at least seeing them...holding them.

The thoughts that play in my mind...the nightmares...

It is so funny how the most com…

Thank you Secret Pal!

The candle and the alpaca yarn are both beautiful and yummy...and I have been wanting to plant some lavender and larkspur in my gardens...but I really can't wait for this stomach bug to go away so I can eat chocolate!

Goodbye sweet baby Peyton

Her name is Cass and her first daughter, Quinn, was stillborn at 26 weeks in 2005. We ran into each other on the Silent Grief message board because we were both mourning our lost babies. She has been amazingly supportive and kind to everyone who needed a little extra love. She is the first in line to cheer in celebration of good news. She is the first in line to cry with you over sad news. She was due July 24th with her second daughter, Peyton, and we all cheered for her.

A few weeks ago, an ultrasound revealed that baby Peyton was small for her gestational age but a follow-up amnio indicated that everything was normal. A few days ago, an ultrasound revealed that baby Peyton no longer had a heartbeat. Cass will be induced today...the same day that my friend Darcie will bury her sweet baby girl, Carli.

There are many things I could say right now about the loss of such wanted babies...about God...about the unfairness of it all. I could talk about how I did not sleep last night thinking of…
Thanks to Vixanne for pointing me to this article on pregnancy after loss.

Goodbye sweet baby Carli Mae

Carli Mae was born on Tuesday, March 20th at 11:12 a.m. by c-section. She was pink and perfectly beautiful. Her daddy went to the NICU with her while the doctors tried to stabilize her for the trip to Children's Hospital. Her parents found out at a 29-week ultrasound that Carli suffered from Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia.

Despite everyone's best efforts, Carli could not stay on this earth with her family. She was taken off the ventilator and she died at 11:32pm, exactly 12 hours and 20 minutes after she was born. Her family was able to bathe her and dress her in the super sweet pink creeper that said, "Daddy's little girl," and the soft socks, and the hat that her great grandma crocheted for her. Then they did the thing that no parent should have to do...they said goodbye to their baby and let her go.

I have never met Darcie, Carli's mom. But we have been friends since we both logged online to the "Due in June 2002" message board. She is an amazing…

Making me look bad

He's vacuuming. I guess I'd better get something done too.

I did take some pictures cuteness.

Will post more soon as I lose the title of slacker around here.

Imagine it

"I can't imagine..."

This phrase is really annoying to me. So much so that it now ranks as one of my top pet peeves. I dream of one day responding with, "Imagine it...go ahead...TRY to imagine can do it."

I find I don't have such a negative reaction when someone says, "I can only imagine." It says, "I know it's horrible and I can't possibly REALLY understand it...but I can TRY to imagine it and it is bad." I think it's because the person saying it has at least "gone there" emotionally as best they can.

Or maybe I'm just too picky.

Dead baby humor

"For ages 3 and up."

Think I can safely give these pinwheels to the boys? They're only (almost) 2 and 1.

eh...what the hell.

Welcome to the world Baby Anderson!

Stephanie, who is a frequent commenter here on this here old blog, welcomed her second baby boy into the world sometime today. Details have not been provided. I blame it on the fact that she is under the influence of some good pain drugs. I'm sure details will follow at some point.

** I lurked on the old mommy message board in order to steal the details...
7 pounds 8.5 ounces
19.75 inches long

Congratulations to Steph and her whole family!

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Yes, I am back at work for the first time in a week...but...

Everybody wish Steve luck today. He's got a job interview! shhh...quietly...we don't want his current place of employment to hear.
Herbie Fully Loaded is a GREAT movie. Even on the 532nd viewing.
When your kid tells you he's not hungry and he's gonna throw up...believe him.
After five days of holding his head while he puked, my son's response at my first gag-into-a-bucket moment was to run from the room, arms flailing, yelling, "Oh no! Here come the throw-ups!" Yeah...thanks kid.
I have these clients who seem to think it is MY job to be the investigator/enforcement officer/sheriff. I am an attorney. I have a very li…

I officially have a teenager!

Me: No

4-year-old Sam: You never let me have ANY fun.

Me: [laughing] You are hilarious.

No way to cushion the blow

I saw the train coming right at her. Not a real train, but the figurative kind...the horrible, terrible, emotional, grief train. I prayed that it would get turned down another line by a last minute switch on the track. And I told her I wished for the best...but I also warned her that if it hit her it would hurt like hell. She stopped talking to me.

Now I am waiting for confirmation that the train did strike her (and her sweet baby girl).

And I feel as though I am going to vomit.

You can't cushion the blow. For anyone. No matter how much you want matter how much you try. Some nameless/faceless conductor makes the decision whether to miss you or run you over. You can scream into the roar as it comes barrelling down the track, but it does no good.

The best you can hope is that it doesn't kill you.

My friends know me too well?

A friend sent me this pattern. She said she saw it and immediately thought of me. Good thing? Bad thing? I'm not entirely sure.

(Yes, those are crocheted easter eggs.)

Real moms

Bon tagged me (and made me cry) with this twist on the "Real Mom" meme...

real moms sometimes have children you can’t see.

this meme goes out to all the mothers who don’t get tagged for things like this. the ones who’ve given birth but had no baby to take home. who sit on the sidelines of conversations about mucous plugs and back labour, with stories to tell but no room to participate. who have a little gravestone or an urn or just a memory in the place of a child. who have adoption papers saying “relinquish all rights…” or ultrasound photos but nothing more. or who have two smiling school photos on their desk, but really, inside, count to three when you ask “how many kids do you have?”

this is for all the real moms with children invisible to the eye.

The photo that immediately came to mind for me is this one...

This is my job now as a mom...
...striking a balance between grief and happiness...
...sharing his brothers with Samuel, without overwhelming him with the depth of the sadn…

For Manuela


It's here

The vomit/diarrhea flu that we thought we dodged this year has finally arrived...delivered via daycare (as noticed by a sign on the door). Sam is down for the count.

Do Steve and I eat sausage and eggs knowing what is in our future? Of course! Steve says, "If you're gonna go down, go down swinging."

Wish us luck!

Thank You...!

Thank you to...

Holley - Thank you for the chocolate covered caramels and the book, Enslaved by Ducks. I've already had a good laugh at the description. Steve read it, said, "uh-huh," and kind of nodded. What do you think THAT means? Oh...and thank you for the Christmas lights. hehehe.

Lisa & Blaine - Thank you for the memorial donation in Alex's name to Rainbow Babies & Children's Hospital. It means more than you can ever imagine to know that our boy still makes an impact on this world even though he is not here with us.

Cynthia - What can I say? Thank you for the pasta. I am still laughing. Also, thank you for the book, Can Man Live Without God. I promise, I won't throw it in the fireplace (it's electric and wouldn't do much anyway). Seriously, it was very thoughtful of you and I will read it (I hope you are not offended when I review it, as I'm sure I will still have doubts and "issues").

Jill - Thank you for the BEAUTIFUL bookma…

Miscellaneous Thoughts

I think I may make Miscellaneous Thoughts an official "feature" of this blog. Maybe every Friday. I'm even going to give it its own category label.
I am giving God a rest for now before my brain explodes.
Diana Ross to American Idol contestant Gina..."Because there are so many words, you have to be sure to pronunciate each one." ranted for five minutes....wanna make something of it?
I have a shameful little secret. Earlier this week I went to an online store and bought two yards of fabric...the same fabric that Travis' clothing was made out of. I have no idea why. I just had to have it. It is embarassing. Now what the hell do I do with it?
I sat at the hair salon on Wednesday evening and watched a mother and her eight-year-old-ish son mock various women in a hairstyle book. Nice.

Crafty updates

Progress on baby blue.

And I probably shouldn't show this, but I will turn this tapestry fabric into a surprise for my secret pal. Can you guess what it's going to be?

What could this yarn possibly be for?

Luck O The Irish

I'm stuck because I always believed things happen for a reason. If I could just let that go once and for all, I know I would be much happier. But un-learning a lifetime belief system is hard...and painful. I'm going to have to either mold the facts to fit that belief system, or acknowledge that it was crap and I just didn't recognize it. I'm leaning toward acknowledging the crap (a friend calls it bullshit...and I think that's appropriate too).

Yep...I admit it. I rested on my spiritual laurels for far too long and now the spirit(s) has bashed me over the head and said, "Get a clue." On my more stable days, I can easily let go of the "plan" and God's "reasons" to just recognize that a great number of things happen for no reason at all. There is no plan. You're just lucky or unlucky. And, as my blog friend Aurelia pointed out this week...MANY human troubles can be traced back to the poor decisions of mankind...even those things t…

New house?


I tried to burn it down.

Accidentally, of course!

Started cooking hamburgers on the stovetop and got distracted upstairs while organizing bills. Plum forgot until the dogs started acting weird and I smelled something funny. How I got downstairs without killing myself is a mystery to me...thankfully the contractors installed the handrail a couple days ago. I moved faster than I ever have.

I have now turned off the heat and opened the windows to get rid of the smell. And I've turned off the stovetop. I think I may have to sacrifice the frying pan. I am telling you...I need a keeper. And I think I'll have cereal for dinner.

Let's look at pretty flowers

We had a three day thaw that brought 60+ degree temperatures and my first flowers (snowdrops). The giant snow piles melted and we were able to have the construction trailer removed from the front lawn and the construction dumpster removed from the driveway (yee-haw!). Despite the fact that there is a fresh layer of snow on the ground this morning, my thoughts have turned to spring planting. I have no specific color "theme" in mind...I just like pretty pretty flowers.

I want these...Who Dun It Dahlias. I have never grown Dahlias, but I always see such pretty ones at the county fairs around they must do well in our zone.

I also need to add more bulbs to my tulip gardens. After five years, they're looking kind of sparse. I'm torn about what variety/color to go with. I have typically planted the standard tulip in red, pink, or yellow. I tried purple tulips in a second bed, but they were either eaten by voles or destroyed by the crazy snow plow guy. I am parti…

Secret Pal 10 is underway

Yes, Cecily, I got my match. (Everyone say hi to Cecily.)

Cecily, I emailed you (twice) to confirm, but I guess you didn't get it. I've already emailed my pal and am on the way to buy her first surprise. Thanks for working so hard to set this up for all of us. I know it's a big job and I personally appreciate it because I always have a lot of fun participating.

Welcome to Treggles' minister

A minister is reading my words. I am definitely going to hell now. :oP

Anyway...this comment has me confused...

So, the question shouldn't be: "what do you want me to do?", but: "What should we do in this situation?"

I can't answer that question!

How is your question (what should we do in this situation?) any different from my question (what do you want me to do)? What SHOULD we do? What do you want me to do? Same question based on the idea that there is a "right" choice and a "wrong" choice.

And where does one go for guidance in determining which is the "right" choice and a "wrong" choice? That was the whole point of my post. I pray and pray. I read and search. And there is nothing. No answer. No guidance. No insight. No peace.

I thought I made good decisions before. All I wanted was to have living children to love in this life. I wasn't breaking commandments or anything. And I was at peace that I was doing something…

A Place to Turn When a Newborn Is Fated to Die

I would be remiss if I didn't thank Julian's mom for sharing this NYTimes article.

A Place to Turn When a Newborn Is Fated to Die

A website about perinatal hospice with a directory of perinatal hospices.

I would also like to share this newsletter with you. Print it...share it with healthcare professionals you think might need it. I plan to share it with the hospitals and doctors I have dealt with.

(Warning: If you blindly look up "perinatal hospice" online, you will find a multitude of websites that talk about the sanctity of life and biblical ethics. I will reserve comment on this type of website. But I thought it only fair to warn my readers in case any of them are in a sensitive place in their own grief.)

His fault

I have often wondered what causes a seemingly normal individual to turn into a NASCAR fan. It is a "sport" that I have, in the past, appreciated for its scientific and mathematical complexities...but not much else.


Do you have ANY IDEA how many times I have watched the Daytona 500? Do you?!?! The is evil magic, I tell you...evil magic.

I can now tell you that Kasey Kahne drives the #9 car...a Dodge...with a McDonald's sponsor. Dale Earnhardt Jr. drives the #8 Chevrolet and is sponsored by Budweiser. Tony Stewart drives the Chevrolet #20 Home Depot car.

How do I know this?!?! WHY do I know this?!?! Mystery solved. Blame the kid.

It's too much I tell you. Will someone please watch figure skating with me? PLEASE?!?!

The eye of the beholder

I remember the last day I felt beautiful. I remember it like it was yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. I was wearing the softest pink tshirt. I remember the texture, soft and smooth, as I rubbed my swollen belly. I remember the smile that touched my lips as I felt my second child kick in return. I remember my hair looked good and my fingernails were neat and painted pink to match my shirt. I remember the sunshine. I remember it was all beautiful. I was beautiful.

But something happened when that child died inside me. Something ugly. Those beautiful feelings are gone. I have no interest in hair or nailpolish. I could care less what clothes I'm wearing. I feel nothing but revulsion when I rub my belly now. None of it is beautiful. None of ME is beautiful.

I miss feeling beautiful. But some nailpolish and a pretty dress will only dress up this ugly. I doubt there is anything that can truly bring the beautiful back.

help my ears

I have an MP3 player in my LG cell phone. I have the earphones that came with it, but they hurt my ears. There seem to be a zillion different choices for earphones these days. Can anyone suggest some comfortable ones? I need my tunes, but my ears cannot suffer anymore.

God's plan

A bathroom ephiphany...
I need to know if God has a plan for me, and I need to know what it is, because I can't decide where to go until I know if I'm doing the right thing. It's not all about criticism and unhappiness. It's this one simple thing. Where do I go from here? (with a tip of the hat to Anam Cara)

If the plan is that I'm not supposed to have more living kids...then I will submit to that and NOT have more kids. I won't even try. I'm not going to beat my head against a brick wall. I won't try to outsmart you because I know I can't. You're bigger than're stronger than are God. I get it and I submit. UNCLE!

BUT...If the plan is that I AM supposed to have more living kids...then I will not-so-gladly oblige.

Just clue me in, will ya?

I feel paralyzed because I can't figure out the message.

If the plan is that I'm not supposed to have more living kids and I go ahead and try another pregnancy...or I try adoption...wi…

Quote of the weekend

No wearing your coat while you're pooping.

On a slightly less academic level

I did the here are the movies...pitiful. Maybe I will try to catch up on these too.

I am a bit miffed that Howard the Duck is not on the list.

And there are so many great made-for-tv movies that aren't listed. I mean, just tonight, you could watch Shattered Innocence. A Kansas cheerleader turns 18, moves to Los Angeles, and becomes a porno star hooked on cocaine. Who wouldn't want to watch that?!?!

It was just a dog

The little beagle mama-to-be was headed from an animal shelter in Indiana to a rescue in New York state. She was skinny, and Sam said she looked, "so confused." She definitely had that "shelter dog look," so it shocked me when she climbed right up in my lap and snuggled in for the ride.

I hugged her gently and petted her head, even sneaking a kiss or two in despite her horrible shelter dog smell. We were snuggled so close, I could feel her puppies in her belly, squirming and kicking for space against my empty belly.

I couldn't help but imagine that things were different...

But she went on to rescue and I'm still stuck here in this place.

Crochet stuff

While this looks very cool...I have to imagine that it is a terrible dust-catcher. Unless you keep it in an aquarium. But really...if you have an aquarium this large, don't you think you should have actual water type creatures in it?
Crochet reef...

Crocheted annular hyperbolic plane (for all my math geek readers)...from The Institute for Figuring

Other peoples' words

I have, to this point, successfully avoided the dreaded 100 books meme floating around the blogosphere. Actually, I ran the other direction any time I saw it even possibly coming my way. Why? Because I lost count of how many books I started reading but never actually finished. I am embarassed to admit that I faked lied my way through high school honors English. I did. And then I tested out of college English. I am a complete fraud. And this meme clearly indicates how I have shortchanged myself. My list of books that I've truly read (beginning to end) a word...embarassing.

So in an effort to educate myself make myself feel better about myself...I'm going to go back and read the books on this list. I have given myself credit for those that I clearly remember reading beginning to end. There are a couple that I clearly remember starting, but am not sure I ever finished. I will probably start with those. Oh, except the Bible. I have started it and even read a good portion of…

Projects update

Now that certain projects have hit their marks, I can provide an update...
The hat was for Julie's Lauren. It is made of baby silk and is oh-so-soft. The embroidered pieces were hired out (she admits shamefully). Once I was done with the hat, I clued into the fact that it is obviously way too big. But I wanted to ship it all out before Lauren outgrew the rest of it. I figure she'll grow into it. (Thanks for the picture Julie.)

This blankie went to Rachel's Asher.

This is the afghan for a the works... The yarn is not really this olive looking in person. I'm still learning to work my fancy new camera and my colors are a bit off.

This is the baby set for a friend who recently revealed that the color should be BLUE! (Yes, this yarn is baby blue even though it looks white in this picture) Yay for blue! ('Cause the green just wasn't working for me.)

This will be for mom...hopefully by the beginning of July (unless she changes her mind again). There will be mod…

My words

I have been afraid of words for most of my life. I thought of words as weapons to be used mainly to cut someone down to size. Yes, I had been taught the regular cliche, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." But the models I saw clearly said just the opposite. If you have something nice to say, keep it to yourself. Only speak up when you are unhappy or upset or (my personal favorite) judging someone else. Do not offer words of kindness or caring or anything even approaching soft understanding. Words should be sharp and cutting. Words shouldn't be wasted on anything silly like emotion.

So I have handled words like hand grenades with the pins pulled. Lobbing them occasionally at family and friends...just to test their strength. Harsh. Crabby. Crusty. Sarcastic. Angry. Loud. Judgmental. These are the words I was most comfortable using. Some of them were strong enough to cause tears. Some of them were brushed off as though they were mere…

Secret Pal 10 questionnaire

1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like? I'm allergic to wool. I can find a use for just about anything else. My favorites are soft, soft, soft. Silk and silk blend is awesome. But I really don't care what it's made of if it's soft.

2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in? I have a little wrap/pouch that I carry in my bag.

3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced? I am a beginner knitter and an advance crocheter. Honestly, I prefer crochet, but I have been known to go off on knitting sprees every now and again.

4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list? on my sidebar.

5. What's your favorite scent? Vanilla.

6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy? Give me anything chocolate and I'm your friend forever!

7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin? …

"gone on to..."

I have, rather unexpectedly, run across a new phrase that I hate.

"Gone on to have a subsequent child." (or phraseology close to that)

It's not that there is anything WRONG with this phrase per se. It's just that it makes me feel...I don't know...




Gone lose another baby.
Gone be even sadder than before...more pitiful.

I know it's offensive to people who have lost a child to assume that a subsequent child lessens the pain at all. But, quite honestly, that is a kind of feeling of offense I would love to be able to take part in.

Everyone has those stories. You know the ones I'm talking about.
My aunt had a stillborn baby and went on to have three healthy children...
My grandmother had three stillborn babies and went on to have two healthy girls...
My college roommate's first cousin twice-removed had a stillborn baby and an early miscarriage before going on to have SIX health children.

I don't know why it's sad to th…

Welcome to the world Baby Treggles!!!

Congratulations to the whole Treggles family!!!

Go visit the proud daddy here and leave your best wishes.

Conversations this morning

Sam: Is today tomorrow?

Me: is today.

Let me explain the today and tomorrow thing.

Today is today.

Tomorrow is after you go to sleep for the night

But when you wake up it is always today.


Sam: So yesterday and tomorrow are today?

Me: Uh...yeah.
Me: Turn the very pregnant lady off of my television.

Steve: OK...I thought it was just me. (changing channels)

Me: Turn the pregnant orangutan off of my television.

Steve: What the f***?!?!
Steve: What are you doing?

Sam: Nothing.

Steve: What did you do with your dish?

Sam: I put my cup in the dishwasher.

Steve: Yeah...the dishwasher is full of clean dishes.

Sam: Oh.

Steve: Go take your dirty dish out of the dishwasher.
Sam: Mommy, can I brush your hair?

Me: Sure.

Sam: Because when you laid down you got it all messed up.

Steve: I think he's saying you've got bed head.

News you can't use

~Today started with a lot of bad news from around the country. But I am relieved to know that the invasion of Liechtenstein wasn't something serious.

~Oh...I almost forgot...sure to go down in the most famous Presidential quotes ever..."If it is stuck because of unnecessary bureaucracy, our responsibility at the federal, state and local level is to unstick it," Bush said
~This is so cool!

~Five weeks of hiccups are over. Five WEEKS?!?! Man...that would really suck!

~R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith.
(I will not be watching Entertainment Tonight this evening.)

Warning: ungrateful mother post ahead

Yes, I am an ungrateful mother. I want to sell all of our televisions (including the new huge one) and I want my son to shut up already! I actually just said, "If I hear the word TV one more time from your mouth, you are going to bed." TV isn't actually a WORD, but he's four-and-a-half and he doesn't know that (or I'll tell you to shut up too).

He gets home from preschool and the first words out of his mouth aren't, "Hi mom, I missed you today." There are no declarations of how much he loves me or how excited he is to be home.

No...his exact words are, "Can you turn on one of my shows?"


And then, of course, comes the battle.

I say, "I'm watching something at the moment. As soon as it is over, you may watch one of your shows." I mean, it's Criminal Intent! I can't just give up on it halfway through! I need to know if the retired cop housing security officer really killed the city auditor and his whole f…

Let's be interactive

Favorite recipe to serve when you have company? Anyone?