Monday, March 12, 2007

The eye of the beholder

I remember the last day I felt beautiful. I remember it like it was yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. I was wearing the softest pink tshirt. I remember the texture, soft and smooth, as I rubbed my swollen belly. I remember the smile that touched my lips as I felt my second child kick in return. I remember my hair looked good and my fingernails were neat and painted pink to match my shirt. I remember the sunshine. I remember it was all beautiful. I was beautiful.

But something happened when that child died inside me. Something ugly. Those beautiful feelings are gone. I have no interest in hair or nailpolish. I could care less what clothes I'm wearing. I feel nothing but revulsion when I rub my belly now. None of it is beautiful. None of ME is beautiful.

I miss feeling beautiful. But some nailpolish and a pretty dress will only dress up this ugly. I doubt there is anything that can truly bring the beautiful back.


DD said...

I am weeping. I bought a pink, cashmere, cardigan maternity set 4 days I found out Vivienne was gone.

I felt beautiful then, too.

Alysia said...

Now you see through the glass darkly.

You have changed so much. You love those boys and you have grown a lot. You have helped so many people. And animals! You have made a difference in the world. That woman who looked pretty with matching nailpolish had no idea how strong and generous she was.

It is a different kind of beauty. Less innocent.

Sweet Coalminer said...

Oops. That was me.

ps. beautifully written.

Heather said...

I still think you are one of the most beautiful people I know--inside and out.

Jill said...

Apple trees don't grow oranges and ugly souls don't throw out the sort of compassion, generosity and yes, beauty, that you do.

You've lost the 'pretty' only to reveal a deep and resounding beauty. True, there is a very dark ugly could over you, but *you* are not ugly at all ((hugs))

Bon said...

being harrowed drags us inside out, i think...and the scars run all through us.

but once the wounds heal into scars...and god only knows how much time that'll really take...i think they have their own beauty and luminosity. richer than mere surface prettiness.

but still, i wish for you the feeling of being beautiful, again. not necessarily whole...or unmarked...but beautiful.

because we can see, in your words, that you have it in you.

Bronwyn said...

Everyone else has left perfectly eloquent comments which mirror just what I'd want to say. I'm so sorry the "ugly" has taken over, but I do understand...