Posts

Showing posts from October, 2005

Ghost stories

Image
I have a special attraction to ghost stories this Halloween and I'm sure it's not hard to figure out why. I well and truly believe that the energy that creates a person's soul doesn't just disappear when they die. I don't believe it has anything to do with God or a master plan (never did), but rather the idea that there is something intangible, in the very nature of being alive, that makes us who we are. I don't believe that every person is set up to become a ghost. But I think there very well could be a convergence of energies that could make it possible for a person's soul to remain in a ghostly form.

I don't think that happened with Alex, because I haven't heard or seen him, except for in my imagination. BUT for some unexplained reason, today I wore the blazer I hadn't worn since the funeral and in the pocket were the tear-stained tissues I used on that day. And my amazing husband didn't bat an eye when I asked if it would be weird if I …

Tough questions from the peanut gallery

Good question posed in comments...
catherine, do YOU really believe that what you say matters? i get the feeling sometimes that you don't think your opinion equal to everyone else's. i'm just saying. feel free to throw bricks at me.

My entire life I have been surrounded by people who are smarter, more empathetic, more conversational, more dramatic...you get the picture. I never really found my niche...who I am...the definition of me. Maybe it was partly low self-esteem that made me think I wasn't x, y, or z...but I generally think that I just realized I wasn't yet in "my" time or place.

I was really coming into my own before Alex died. In fact, my mom and I had had conversations where we talked about how I was finally, "comfortable in my own skin." Steve and I had talked about how happy we were. Sure, we had our issues, but they were of the kind that irritate you...not knock you down for the count. I finally thought, "This is something I'm…

Goodbye friend

Kay passed away at 5:30 pm Sunday night. She went peacefully in her sleep after her long fight with her lungs. Me and some of her closest family were with her when she left. She is taking care of the animals that have passed over now and the live ones are left to you all to handle. Thanks, Jim (her husband)

Why I craft for charity

Image
I know I had my own "inspiration" to start sewing for charity in my experience with Alex. But I have found more inspiration as the months have gone by. This was posted on my crafting for charity board...(I did not make this particular outfit, but participated in donating other items for this particular hospital)...

We had given a "buddy" set from Suzanne H and Sue C to one of the nurses to take to her baby. Mom and Dad were with baby and ask that we come talk to them for a moment. They were very thankful for all the wonderful items that we had brought for their little girl. I had ask our "tour guide" if I could take a couple of general NICU pics. She said that would be all right as long as we didn't show babies or name tags. She thought that Mom and Dad would let us take pics of their little princess and gained permission (after a quick diaper change) for us to take pictures. Dad was a complete "take charge" guy and made sure that his little …
I LIKE changing the format. It gives me something to do at work.

Screaming till I'm hoarse

My entire life has been spent screaming for attention. I'm sure it psychologically stems from being ignored by my parents at some crucial stage of my development. After all, everything is our parents' fault, isn't it? But I just now realized, after an all-out scream-fest at Steve over how in the hell to properly cut lattice, that I have a major problem. I feel as though I'm just not heard...on anything. I could very well have spoken the most genuis thing ever spoken and nobody will have heard it. Not because they can't hear me...but because they weren't listening.

Nobody listens anymore. The husband...please...see aforementioned lattice issues and you will see how my general day-to-day goes. Sam...he's three...what do you expect? It's not that I think anything in my life would change too dramatically. My husband and I would still butt heads over the correct way to cut lattice. But at least I would feel like someone heard me...like what I said wasn't…

Things I like about today

~I slept until 10am under warm covers.
~My period is almost over.
~Sam and Steve slept until 11am under warm covers giving me an hour of blissful peace to myself.
~The sun is shining in NE Ohio!
~I've reached the bottom of the Raisin Bran box...where all the raisins reside. yum!
~Sam and I are both feeling human again, thank you very much.
~This is supposed to be peak weekend for fall colors in our area.
~After a week of rain, the horses will get to go out and run around.
~We're going to work on our fence and our flower garden today.
~I'm contemplating taking Sam trick-or-treating in the "city" near us on Sunday, in addition to Monday trick-or-treating at my parents' house...so I can have access to more candy.
~I think I can raise enough money on eBay to buy the digital camera of my dreams.
~The greeting cards came in from the fundraiser I participated in MONTHS ago.
~I missed what I'm sure would have been a tortuous "girls lunch" at the office yesterday so…

November 18th

This is the deadline for reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I MUST get it read before the movie. Off to find my book and figure out where I left off...

The holidays are upon us

I saw my first official "holiday" commercial with snow and jingle bells and overly attractive models wearing cute cableknit sweaters and holding a puppy with a big red bow around its neck. I'm not kidding. It would have made me want to gag even without the underlying melancholy surrounding the prospect of facing the first holiday should-have-beens. But now I am alternating between wanting to avoid the holidays altogether and wanting to overindulge my living son to make up for all the disappointment of this past year. Steve asked Alex if he liked his pumpkin, but he was awful quiet about it. We'll just have to assume he's satisfied, I guess. It seems he's easy to please.

I worry that I'm going to have some sort of serious meltdown. I've already issued the proclamation that there will be no "Christmas shopping." A lot of people will be getting gift cards. There will be no "Secret Santa" at work. And I will not be wearing any festive h…
"I got a job to do, and so do the people who work in the White House. We got a job to protect the American people, and that's what we'll continue working hard to do."

When this man speaks I hear the deafening screech of nails on a chalkboard.

Dear Howard Jones

A few minutes ago I checked our blog. I scrolled down and saw archives and being the sadomasikist (I'm sure this is spelled wrong) that I am I clicked on May 2005. That off course made me cry. I decided to put my headphones on and listed on the radio. No one is to blame by Howard Jones. Kiss my **@@@@####.

Philistine, who....me

Finally, a word that I have no problems with, as long as it doesn't describe me. Webster's defines a philistine as "a person who is guided by materialism and is usually disdainful of intellectual or artistic values."

Halloween is going to be celebrated at my company this Monday, and rather than participate in my team's group theme of Seinfield, in which I was asked to play George (probably because I have rage issues), and watch my co workers bring all of their children in for trick or treat, I have decided to take the day off and avoid what will surely be a depressing experience for me. I will still take Sam to the in-laws for trick-or-treating that night(We live on a very busy road), I wouldn't want to take anything away from him.

I don't like flavorful food, I like well cooked plain meat. When I go to Mickey Dees I have to have my burger plain, just cheese on it. I don't eat fruits and veggies, except for corn, apples, and tomatoes (if it is on my pi…

The List

My dear sweet wonderful (strange) husband has developed a list of words that he despises. One evening, while watching an Estee Lauder commercial, he announced that he didn't like the word "fragrance." I looked at him like he was crazy. Since then, he has alerted me when a new word is added to the list. So far, the words to grace the list are "fragrance," "lozenge," "suppository," and "au jus." I'm not sure what it is about these words that warrant them being placed on the list, I just know when a new word has earned a place by his announcement, "I hate that word too." I think maybe we're getting a little weird in our old age.

please help

I need to read some blogs that aren't about babies, getting pregnant, being pregnant, or losing babies. Any suggestions?

Making choices

I spent all day yesterday with cold feet. I thought about putting socks on several times throughout the day, but never did. I even went to bed last night with cold feet. This morning, after seeing the dog shiver, I realized there is a cold draft in here and I put my sock/slippers on. They're the $3 slippers I got at Walmart when I bought my mom a pair for Christmas. My mom didn't like them and gave hers back to me, which another dog chewed up. What's my point? I have none. This is how my days are generally...boring and not worth writing about. And my brain is totally and completely incapable of focusing on anything. It took about 24 hours for me to put my damn slippers on. Good grief...what happened to me?

I'm tired. I'm tired of writing about life and death and love and happiness and grief. I want to write about Halloween costumes and what I'm going to overindulge my children with at Christmas. Except that, of course, brings up the obvious thought, "Oh, ri…

Remind me...

Remind me not to eat Jambalaya the night before coming down with the flu.

Remind me to watch where I step...an incontinent old dog lives here too.

Remind me to guard the doors carefully or the declawed cat might get out and leave me searching in the darkness and rain for him, fearing he had run away and causing me to break down in front of my three year old son.

Remind me to stock up the house with throat lozenges (had to throw that word in there for Steve), because Sam doesn't care if I feel like crap and will still ask me a zillion "why" questions.

Remind me how lucky I am.

Remind me it's not all bad.

I'm turning on the cartoons for Sam and crawling back into bed, bucket by my side.

***Addendum***

I'm NOT pregnant. Got my period yesterday. It's JUST the flu and the normal accompanying digestive pyrotechnics. Though it's not all bad...I do get a very low and husky phone-sex voice as a bonus.
Image
Rosa Parks died last night at age 92.

"When I made that decision," she said, “I knew that I had the strength of my ancestors with me.”

I wish I had that kind of faith.

Goodbye my friend

About a week ago, I cleared out my email inbox and sent a couple of emails to friends I hadn't heard from in a while. Included in that bunch was an email to an animal rescue friend, Kay, in Pennsylvania. We haven't spoken since before I found out I was pregnant, well over a year ago now. Kay doesn't know anything about Alex (I don't know if she even knew I was pregnant). I wonder if I should tell her now.

I'm not sure how old Kay is because she's had a tough life and it shows in the lines on her face and the grey in her hair. She's not what you would call a soft and cuddly person (some would say the same about me). She does things her own way and didn't give a hoot what other people thought of her. So it seemed natural that Kay and I took to each other like old crows who gather together (usually around some roadkill somewhere) and squawk about this and that.

Today I received this return email:
This is Kay's husband. The wife is in final stages of canc…

Halloween preparation

Second verse, same as the first

Today I have incredibly chapped hands. I think the hours of digging in the garden and the hours carving our Halloween pumpkin yesterday took their toll on my poor fingers. So I pulled out the True Blue Spa Mega Butter my friend H bought me as a pamper mommy gift when I was expecting Alex. I had dumped it in the bottom drawer of my filing cabinet upon returning to work, in one of my "I can't deal with this right now" acts of cowardice. I saw it today and thought it would be great for my hands.

It was the only lotion smell that didn't make me want to throw up while I was pregnant. I would sit here and talk to my fellow pregnant co-worker, taking off my rings and rubbing the cream into my hands. I vaguely remember my belly being big and heavy. Even more vague is the memory of my Alex wiggling and kicking. But it's still there in some deep dark recess of my mind.

The now mommy co-worker walked past my door on her way to the office kitchenette. Like so many t…

Same ole, same ole

I have discovered, over the past few days, that I really haven't travelled that far away from the shy nerd I was as a freshman in high school. Who would have thought that at 33 years old I would still be suffering from the same insecurities I was suffering from 18 years ago? Who would have thought that the same things that made me happy back then would make me happiest now?

I still worry that people will talk about me behind my back.
I still get physically ill at the thought of confrontation, or the thought that someone is mad at me.
I still get tongue tied when new people talk with me.
I still worry that my hair is sticking up or I have something stuck between my teeth.
I still worry that I'm not as smart as the people around me and they will discover that my whole persona is nothing more than a farce.
I still like pizza and cold beer late at night.
I still HATE it when people don't pay attention and then cover their mistakes/asses with lies.
I still wonder why pe…

The two faces of me

I will soon get back to my regular blogging for me. But right now I want to do some blogging directly to you, my dear friends.

Please let me say that we truly appreciate the offers of financial help. It felt GOOD to know that someone cares enough to offer concrete help. There is a part of me that says, "They're offering to help, you'd be a fool to turn them down." I even said to Steve, "Why should we refuse? We've been through enough, let's accept whatever help we can get." The look he gave me said it all. And after a bit of thought, I have to (reluctantly) agree with him.

This is OUR fight. And while we think it is wonderfully thoughtful of anyone to offer to don suits of armor and come riding to our rescue, we have to fight this fight for ourselves. We will, without doubt, need to rely on you all for emotional support...no matter what happens. But at this point it just doesn't feel right accepting money. Particularly when we know so …

Worth blogging

Me: "You need to realize you are not the only person in this..."

Sam interrupting me: "And it's NOT ok mommy...and I'm NOT a person, I'm a BIG BOY!"

huh?!?!
------------------------------------
"You're not a girl...you're a mommy.
------------------------------------
"Are you doing that to your hair so you'll be beautiful?"
------------------------------------

Thank you

Again, the support you all have offered has simply amazed me. Please know that I did not ask the question as a means to beg for money. I just needed to know if I was needlessly tilting at windmills here. Thank you for caring enough to respond. And thank you so much for offering to help financially. That was of the type of kindness that induces tears. You are all wonderful and if I can say I am lucky in anything to do with losing Alex, it is that I have "met" all of you and can count you as friends. Thank you.

I finally did it.

Today I sent a request to the university that I spent 4 years of my life at and did not receive a degree from, to obtain a copy of my transcript. Hopefully, I can get my act together and figure out what I will need to do in order to earn the bachelors degree that will hopefully allow me to advance my career beyond the current cement shoes that it seems to be in. I just hope that I am not getting in over my head.
I just realized how many time I overused the word hope in this post.
Oh well

Update: OK, maybe I am getting in over my head. The university just called me and told me that I forgot to sign the request. Back to the fax machine

I need opinions

Here is where I ask for a favor. I want honest opinions...no holds barred.

We received a letter from the lawyer. The nurse practitioner thinks there MAY be a case there, but recommended it be reviewed by an OB/GYN for an "official" opinion. The cost of the nurse's opinion was $500, which the law firm paid. The cost of the OB/GYN's opinion is $1500, of which they would like us to pay $1000. If the OB thinks there is no case, we are out $1000. If the OB thinks there is a case, we will pay nothing more...but we could still be out $1000 if we lose the case. I could do alot with $1000 and am thinking it's a lot of money for no guarantees. I was all ready to fire off a letter thanking the attorney for his time, but then I got to thinking I owe it to all of us, Alex included, to find out for sure. I mean, what IF there IS a case? Who else is going to step up and hold these people accountable for their failure to meet standards of care? What I said before still holds true…

Halfway to nice

Image
Some really great friends sent me a gift certificate for plants and flowers. So, after four years in this house, I'm finally getting my entryway flower garden...part sun and part shade. This is right off our deck, outside of our kitchen...the entrance way that everyone uses. Hopefully next spring and summer those little specks of green will flourish and flower. I've got a variety in there...forget-me-nots, lily-of-the-valley, primrose, blue scabiosa, pink dragonflower, red penstemon, bleeding heart, blue polemonium, and the roses (donated by mom). It still needs more mulch. Steve doesn't know I've claimed some of his posts for border purposes (and I'm posting late so he won't know until he actually sees it...hee hee). That's my spastic cat, Bella, on the brick walkway. She spends most of her time outdoors and she likes it that way.

I plan to put a matching garden on the other side of the walk. But since I played hookie from work today and spent four hour…

God again

Image
I don't know what to do about God.

There, I said it. I've been thinking for some time that I am lost and facing a crisis of faith, but I haven't been able to verbalize the true nature of my dilemma. Message boards are apparently good for helping me sort out those confusing thoughts in my brain, because I realized what is wrong while reading a, "Why do you believe in God?" thread. All these women (and they are all women...I'm not being sexist here), said things like, "How can I NOT believe in God? Look at all the wonderful things in the world." And I had this almost uncontrollable urge to ask about all those horrible, awful things in the world.

How do you turn a blind eye to those as a means to support your faith? And if you are truly faithful, how do you explain them?

It's not that I'm now blind to the good things in life. I can see them every day and I realize that I AM blessed in MANY ways. But there are SO MANY bad things in the …
Image
Introducing Dispatch/Mix 97.1 Family Nights with the Columbus Blue Jackets

The Dispatch/Mix 97.1 Family Nights offer a great way to spend quality time with your family and friends and enjoy a great savings! Each family pack includes:


4 Tickets
4 Sugardale Hot Dogs
4 Pepsis
4 Popcorns
4 UDF Ice Cream Coupons (redeemable at UDF)
4 Chiller/Dispatch Ice Haus Skating Passes
A package valued at over $190 is yours for as little as $80. A savings of over $100.


Dear Blue Jackets...I know you're not privy to all our secrets.

BUT THERE ARE ONLY THREE OF US!!!
Maybe all one can hope to do is end up with the right regrets.
-Arthur Miller

Big Brother baby

This better not be a sign of things to come in the United States, or I will sell my television.

Fun stuff

If you're in the market for a new blog template...check out blogfrocks.com for some VERY cute linkware stuff.

Adults only?

Holy crap! The last adult thing Steve and I did together (besides the obvious), was his company Christmas party (at which I was pregnant and couldn't even drink the mammoth glasses of wine they were serving...we really must go back to that place sometime...I have dreams about those wine glasses). OK...let me qualify...that was the last FUN adult thing we did together. Delivering a dead baby, picking out caskets and seeing plays about grief just don't count.

-----------------------------------

I'm not feeling too inspired to write these days. I think maybe that month after month of pouring my heart and soul into coherent sentences has finally paid off...I'm on an even keel again...at least for today.

-----------------------------------

I'm not up on my grief research. I wonder if it is considered "more difficult" to move on after a loss that is sudden or a loss that is prolonged. Does it help to get a chance to say goodbye before? Or is it an easier hea…

Nothing

Today...I got nothing. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not interested in talking to anybody. Maybe I worked out my aggressions while pounding in the nails on our fence repair yesterday. Who knows. I'm going to go to bed and recharge for tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll think of something witty and attention-grabbing to blog about by tomorrow.

As Promised

Hello, as promised, I am returning to the world of blogging. I'm not used to writing about myself, so bear with me. Today I invited Sam's friend from daycare to come over for a playdate. I felt weird because this is a little girl; however, Sam really seems to enjoy playing with her, and She seems to enjoy playing with Sam. I'm told that they are inseparable at daycare. I guess that I felt weird because I am the only father that drops off and picks up their child, and I feel uncomfortable talking to the mothers of the other children, like I am some weirdo that doesn't belong there. I know that it is just in my head, but I can't help feel that way. Most of the other parents ignore me, I think it is becuase the teachers all talk to me when I arrive, and they ignore the other parents. Perhaps to overcompensate for the fact that I am the only father there. Fortunatly Sam's friend's mother is very friendly and has no problems talking to me.

This weekend …

A bit of frill

I hope the new girly look doesn't scare off the hubster.

And again, I have revisions that show in the blogger preview...but not once published. What's that about?

A challenge of sorts

I wonder what it would take to get the wayward husband to post again? Maybe if our dear friends helped me, we could convince him to cut loose a few words for the masses?

PLEEEEEEEEEASE?

Mommy...mommy...mommy

There is the constant, "Mommy...mommy...mommy..."

And Mommy tells him, "Sam, I asked you to be quiet."

And he looks up at me with a slight smile and says softly, "You're my best friend."

(long pause for everyone to say, "awwwwwwww.")

They don't know

Yesterday we slept late, grabbed a cheeseburger at McDonald's, and headed out for a day of wandering the outlet mall in central Ohio. We made a short pit stop at the auto mall right next door to the outlet mall. The recent what-will-break-next adventures, have made me realize it may be time to invest in a cheapo car that will reliably get me back and forth to and from work every day. After a test drive in a Hyundai something-or-other...with an airbag light that wouldn't turn off and an air blower that wouldn't turn on...and the car salesman saying, "You've got to give me something here...how about x dollars a month," we decided to wait a bit and find the "perfect" junker. Actually, we HAVE the junker...we need the "perfect" cheap car that ISN'T a junker.

So...off we went to the outlet mall. In between stops at the twenty-five cent ride machines and the free playground we managed to hit exactly SIX stores. I swear, those amusements…

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

To my Alex:
This has been a week of remembering for us. We remember, and we try to move forward. We will always miss you and we will always love you.


To my friends:
Thank you for everything. I could not have survived this without you.


To those I do not have the privilege of knowing who have suffered a loss:
I hold you close in my heart and wish that you find some peace. I'm so sorry you have reason to understand.

Boss' day lunch

I sat there today and silently ate my lunch...with the woman who gave birth in February, the woman who gave birth in March, the woman who gave birth in July (with her baby), and the man whose new wife is due in February with a boy.

It was ok.

I talked baby stuff with the moms and wished my male coworker congratulations on his wife's pregnancy.

I was ok.

Until someone joked how everyone had had a boy...how the boss should advertise open positions as the way to have a baby boy...a "boy guarantee" of sorts.

I froze.

I couldn't get up and walk out. It would be too obvious.

I couldn't cry. That would elicit pity that I don't need or want.

I couldn't smile and laugh. I felt no joy.

I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I didn't want them to see.

I can now tell you every ingredient in the vegetable lasagna I was eating.

I froze in my chair and searched for some answers in my God damned vegetable lasagna.

Guess what?

There are no answers in the ve…

I should have been a mechanic

$350

That's right boys and girls, when you ask them to do a brake inspection, they may or may not actually DO a brake inspection.

Brake lines...blown out...rust...$350.

sigh

Let me tell you about my day

As I've said before, my bullshit meter is a bit off kilter since Alex died. It doesn't take too much to set me off. So the computer thing today at work really was a hassle. I dealt with it and was pretty proud of myself. All in all, not a bad day since I managed to miraculously get some work done in my weird little vibrating closet.

But then...and you knew there was going to be a kicker to this story...

I go to start my car...foot on the brake pedal the way you're supposed to do...and phhsssshhh...my foot goes to the floor. What the...? I get out and examine what I can only guess to be brake fluid all over the inside of the rim of the left rear tire. These are the new brakes I had put in on August 17th. These are the new brakes that cost me $592.13. And you know what the manager of the location tells me? "IF it's something we did, hopefully it's not, we will reimburse you for whatever it costs you to have it fixed, including towing."

IF?!?! I am…

Work...or something like it

Today I was going to take some time and write a really thoughtful post. But when I came into work (where I do some of my best blogging...always on my lunch break, of course), there was a note on my computer screen that said, "Catherine, I am working on your computer, please do not touch. Marc" Marc is the computer geek here at work. I discovered the note almost five hours ago. He's still not done. In fact, he thinks he has unleashed a virus in my computer that will require it to be wiped clean and reformatted.

So here I sit, in the corner office on the other side of the furnace closet. The office that a co-worker vacated at the first opportunity because the roof leaks and the walls and floors vibrate when the furnace/air conditioning turns on. We affectionately call it the vibrating office...where you have fun...just be careful not too much fun. Aside from the vibrations, the desk is stacked with water-wrinkled file boxes and papers from the last time the ceilin…

Too much insight

It seems fate tries to punctuate those important days with what s/he must think is an exclamation point. Un/Fortunately, I have pretty much removed all surprise and amazement from my life, have learned to accept the possibility that ANYTHING can happen, and I just see yesterday as another comma in a rather long run-on sentence (much like this one).

Was it supposed to be funny that Alex's headstone was placed yesterday? Exactly five months after he was stillborn? That's sick, not funny. Was I really supposed to be impressed with the overly happy woman who called and left us a voicemail to tell us it had been set and we could "go take a look if we wanted?" Was the whole day...the whole exercise in raw emotion...supposed to bring me peace? Guess what? It didn't.

And despite our best attempts to discuss it, the future appears cloudy or hazy on a good day...and just plain dark on a bad one.

So here we are, with a big old rock with our dead kid's name on it…

One year

October 7, 2004 ~ Positive pregnancy test

October 11, 2005 ~

Dear Alex,

Today you should be four months old. You should be starting to eat solid foods (as the Gerber people keep telling me). You should be developing a little personality and learning to interact with others. You should have outgrown 3-6 month clothing already and you should be wearing 6-9 month outfits your grandma couldn't resist buying you even though she really can't afford it. You should be getting all ready for your first Halloween in your pumpkin costume. You should be making those first efforts to sit up all by yourself. You should be smiling and cooing at friends and family.

Instead, you are five months gone.

You left more than the emptiness in my tummy and the gaping hole in my heart when you left. You left these little swiss-cheese-like holes all over the place in our lives. Everywhere I look I see them. I hate them.

I was thinking yesterday how lucky I am to have loved enough to grieve for you. I knew the blessing of carrying your little soul around with me fo…

My day in pictures

Alone?

Five months ago was the last day I spent alone. It was the day I was home sick from work just before Alex died. I remember sitting in the house, watching soap operas, eating chicken noodle soup, and feeling like crap. My baby was dying inside of me.

Five months later, I'm alone for the day.

It really has been five months since I've been completely alone...just me and the animals. It's a strange sensation being in this house alone. Sam's toys sit almost mid-play, waiting for his return. There is no constant stream of questions or commentary to deal with...there are no expectations. Sure, there is a list of chores as long as my arm that I COULD be doing. But instead, I'm taking myself to the cemetery to clean up the last of the dying summer flowers on Alex's grave. Then I think I'm headed to the beach. I know it sounds strange considering it is about 55 degrees outside. But I need a quiet place to sit and think...and I'm a water baby...so the b…

I think I need to talk to someone

Meeting David this past week, and the subsequent flurry of emails from friends and acquaintances, has made me think that maybe I need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. Until recently, I have been very content to type out my thoughts, as it gives me an opportunity to think and organize before I "say" something. But getting the immediate feedback from the people we met at the play, including one supervisor of something or other (I'm sorry I didn't catch her name), made me realize that there's something lacking about this medium. I've been basically talking to myself....with occasional comment from others. But the interaction is hit or miss, depending on what is going on in the blogosphere on any given day. I realize I need a "real person" to give me some sympathy, understanding, coping advice.

Now I wonder, how do I find someone who's any good? There was a recommendation from the perinatologist...someone who specializes in perinatial los…

I need a nap.

Got the first bill for our 12 months same as cash loan that paid for new windows. Instead of the $3500 we signed an agreement for, the bill says it's more than $5300. Yep...gonna call Tuesday.

Went online to pay bills today. The online payment thingy won't let me schedule any payments before Wednesday. Guess those bills are going to be late.

The prospective adopters for one of our foster dogs decided to adopt another dog, after a whirlwind "who should we adopt?" tour. While I'm glad they adopted any dog, I'm disappointed Orbit didn't find a new home. He's so sweet.

The backyard fence project has ground to a halt. The posts need cement bases because our soil is all sand and they're not staying steady. Additionally, we need a different fencing material...the cheap stuff we bought ain't cutting it, we've decided. So...back to the home improvement store we go.

After much digging by husband and son, the pipes are uncovered and we have yet t…

I don't even know what to say

I'be been brutally honest here about just about everything. So I'm going to be brutally honest about this. I hope the person I'm talking about can understand that this comes from a place of deep hurt and it doesn't mean I wish her anything bad.

Why is it so freaking easy for some people? I have a friend who, last I heard, wasn't even sure she ever wanted to have another child (she has one girl, Sam's age). Now I get an email that she's pregnant. Everything is going according to plan and there are no disturbances...not even so much as a roadbump.

Then there's me.

This friend is truly a wonderful individual, and I wish her all the best with her pregnancy. I love babies. So I know how incredibly wonderful it is to find out you're pregnant. I WANTED a baby. So I know how much it hurts the soul when life goes on around you and your baby dies.

I found myself screaming, "I HATE THIS," at the top of my lungs today in my car (as tears stream…

How much is too much?

I was reading deadbabymama's post about how people share more intimate things with her now that she's lost a child. And, being the insecure creature I am, I began to wonder if I am guilty of sharing too much with people who would rather not be a part of it.

I mean, I have this idea of grief and how I think people should be treated...but who's to say that that's the "right" way...who's to say that everyone should jump to my tune? I know I've suffered something other people can't even begin to fathom, but does that mean that I have the right to force my grief on them? Just as I expect my space when I need it to grieve, other people may want space to escape from the harshness of it. Am I merely playing on that old concept...the one I was forced to abandon a long time ago...if you love me then you will behave as I would like you to behave?

Have I, inadvertently, expected someone to accept my inner thoughts...my sharing of my feelings...because I…

Sam things to make you smile

"You can't vacuum poop!"

"Do you want to see my belly button?"

"Look mommy, I'm growing."

"I am NOT going to turn into a Fruit Loop...silly mommy."

"Mommy, are you done on the McPuter?"

"We are NOT having chicken for dinner tomorrow...it will make me sick again...we are having CHEESEBURGERS!"

"Do you like Jay Jay the Jet Plane? It's sure enough kinda creepy."

"I want to run around like a crazy dog."

A fun game

Image
Stolen from Cat.

Town I was born in


Town I live in now (no, it's not the same town)


My name (Catherine the Great)


My grandmothers' names (Stephanie, my mom's mom-the feminine of Stephen-From the Greek name Στεφανος (Stephanos) which means "crown".)
and (Ruby, my Dad's mom)

My favorite food


My favorite drink


My favorite song (Unanswered prayers...there were a couple other pictures I could have put here, obviously)


My favorite smell

I am not imagining things

The nurse practitioner who reviews cases for the attorney we have consulted, has advised that our case be further reviewed by an actual doctor.

Regardless of what happens from this point forward, I KNOW that I'm not crazy. I KNOW that our son should be here...alive. If only I had had competent medical treatment...

I'm so sorry Alex.
Image
In memory of my Alex
Image
In remembrance of baby Melody

A much needed break

I was forced to take today off work today because Sam only goes to daycare four days per week, with Wednesdays normally off. But since we used daycare so we could go to the play yesterday, we had to take another day off. I'm glad I took today instead of tomorrow off. I didn't realize seeing the play yesterday would do me in like it has. I feel wrung out like a wet dishrag. But it's different than the old sadness. I wish I could put it into words and explain this change that I feel. I'm just glad I have the day to mull it over and get some perspective before I have to face work for a day.

-----------------------------

It appears as though the drunken septic mapper wasn't so drunk when he drew the diagram for our system. Though the reference points are all backwards, the system is EXACTLY where he said it would be. Finally...something easy. Now we cross our fingers and hope that this solves our problem and we don't have to worry about tree roots blocking …

Loved "I Hate This"

Another Wednesday...another week without Alex.

Steve and I spent the afternoon travelling to the "big city" to see David's play I Hate This. I stumbled upon his blog shortly after Alex died and, as fate would have it, shortly after David's son Orson was born. You see, David's first child, Calvin, was stillborn in the same room, at the same hospital, that we delivered Alex (and much of the play takes place in that room). Following their loss, David and his wife returned to that hospital twice...and had two healthy babies. I was struck by the similarities in our losses...and the hope of a new baby. I felt compelled to email David to inquire about his play. He was kind enough to email me back. His was the first voice of understanding I found online. His was the first voice that made me feel like less of a freak. His was the first voice of experience to tell me that I would survive this. I could believe him because he had been there.

So we found a free parkin…

I don't have control, I don't have control, I don't have control...

When I feel myself flying off the handle about stupid stuff, I just keep repeating this mantra and it somehow makes me calmer. Most everything I am uptight about, and get upset about, has something to do with my lack of control over it. I have a tough time accepting that people are individuals and I can't expect everyone to do as I please (though a girl can dream of that kind of utopia, can't she?).

I was upset with my mother because she asked me to hem a dress in a manner that I think makes it less attractive. But it's not MY call.

I was upset with my husband for not putting a cap on the pipe in the basement because he said he would do it. I can't control the water...and I think we all know I can't control my husband. :o)

I have too much work and not enough attention span. I suppose I could get creative and find SOME control over this...but that sounds like too much effort for too little pay.

I'm finally realizing that there is very little I actually do cont…

Because I know you love these stories

It has been determined that we have a problem with our sewage/water disposal system. The craftily hand-drawn map, identifying the location of our dry well like some pirate treasure, indicates that our septic was last cleaned in 2000. So, we think we need it cleaned.

This wouldn't be noteworthy at all...if we had ANY CLUE where to locate our septic. You see, aside from the cleaning date notation, it's not actually ON the map. And the drawing submitted to the health department with the permit application was apparently drawn by someone who was either drunk or pictorially dyslexic (I think I just made up a new word...cool!). Steve suggests we get drunk and then perhaps the application drawing will make sense. (While I'm up for any activity that involves drunkenness, I don't hold out too much hope that it will work to help us solve the mystery of the missing septic system.)

The poor septic cleaner/repair guy was baffled. And after looking at the paperwork, I am ba…

Nothing on Amazon.com

I have searched and searched and searched...
Though some purport to provide you with the one-size-fits-all method to deal with grief and loss, there is no guide to finding your happiness again after the universe has kicked you in the teeth and stolen your baby. There isn't a single thing written that I haven't thought or said myself...nothing that will help me deal with this any better than I am. There are a gazillion books on pregnancy, post-pregnancy weightloss, and how to care for your new baby. But there are none that will lead me, like a treasure map, to the end of the rainbow where I will find joy again.

Maybe I'll try eBay.

Rubber Ducky...You're the One...

Remind me again how much I love living in an old farmhouse that needs work. This morning I woke late and was in the middle of enjoying my nice hot shower when my lovely assistant, we'll call him Beavis, opens the shower curtain and announces my shower is backing up in the basement.

"A lot?" I inquired.

"Yeah, a lot," he stated simply.

I contemplated briefly and said, "Well, I'm finishing my shower anyway," and he disappeared back behind the curtain.

It seems the plumber was right when he recommended a cap on that backup pipe in the basement. Thankfully, his prediction of sewage backing up didn't hold true...at least not yet.

Now I will avoid the obvious husband bashing that often accompanies these events. Lesson learned here girls...if something needs done...do it yourself.

Sorry to disappoint

...but there will be no beaded thongs this Christmas. After a day of hard work and half a bottle of wine, I fell completely and soundly asleep...only to have the worst nightmares.

Steve and I talked about watching for nests of yellow jackets in the ground while we were working outside on the fence. But my nightmare consisted of me poking at a hornet's nest...in the basket underneath a baby stroller. Make of that what you will, but I was not amused. You would think that I could get some fun dreams here already! Particularly when I've gone to the effort to drink myself silly. I mean really! I'm tired of this horse shit!

Anyway...

No fence today. We slept late, toddled off to the home improvement store only to be told they wouldn't cut our lattice for us (despite our having had the exact same thing done at a similar store not a week ago). I was tired and cranky and not at all in the fence-building mood. So we went to the dollar store and picked up some kid's …
Yesterday went relatively well with only two slight incidents with the posthole digger.

The first...it slipped out of Steve's hands and the auger remained still while the machine spun furiously around and around in a maddening, "catch me if you can," sort of way. Would have been funny if not so darn dangerous. Steve lost no fingers catching it, while I stood there dumbfounded as to what to do if he couldn't catch it. Stand there and let it run out of gas was my choice. I guess power tools just are not my thing.

The second...I was walking over the meet the mail lady who had driven up the drive to deliver the lampshades I bought off eBay (I'm relatively happy with them, thanks for asking), when I hear, "AAUUGGHH!" I looked over to see Steve holding the machine in one hand and the right side of his jaw in the other. My question, quite naturally was, "Did you break anything?" Steve answered, "I'm all right." Lesson learned...…