I'be been brutally honest here about just about everything. So I'm going to be brutally honest about this. I hope the person I'm talking about can understand that this comes from a place of deep hurt and it doesn't mean I wish her anything bad.
Why is it so freaking easy for some people? I have a friend who, last I heard, wasn't even sure she ever wanted to have another child (she has one girl, Sam's age). Now I get an email that she's pregnant. Everything is going according to plan and there are no disturbances...not even so much as a roadbump.
Then there's me.
This friend is truly a wonderful individual, and I wish her all the best with her pregnancy. I love babies. So I know how incredibly wonderful it is to find out you're pregnant. I WANTED a baby. So I know how much it hurts the soul when life goes on around you and your baby dies.
I found myself screaming, "I HATE THIS," at the top of my lungs today in my car (as tears streamed down my face...yes...I know...very safe to be driving in such a state). It sounds so juvenile to say this, but it's just NOT FAIR! I want some answers! I want to know why. I want someone to explain how some people can plan A and B and C...and everything will be perfect.
And then there's me.
What do I say? I want to smile and tell her how happy I am for her. But I also want to cry and tell her how cheated I feel. Not only do I not get to enjoy her experience, but I've lost my son, my future, my joy and happiness. And I want her to understand and tell me it's ok. But I also don't want to freak her out and make her run away from me and feel like she needs to hide this wonderful time. I want her to know that my sadness won't go away or get better...but it doesn't make me incapable of being her friend during her good times.
Why is it so easy for some? But not for me?