Saturday, October 08, 2005

I don't even know what to say

I'be been brutally honest here about just about everything. So I'm going to be brutally honest about this. I hope the person I'm talking about can understand that this comes from a place of deep hurt and it doesn't mean I wish her anything bad.

Why is it so freaking easy for some people? I have a friend who, last I heard, wasn't even sure she ever wanted to have another child (she has one girl, Sam's age). Now I get an email that she's pregnant. Everything is going according to plan and there are no disturbances...not even so much as a roadbump.

Then there's me.

This friend is truly a wonderful individual, and I wish her all the best with her pregnancy. I love babies. So I know how incredibly wonderful it is to find out you're pregnant. I WANTED a baby. So I know how much it hurts the soul when life goes on around you and your baby dies.

I found myself screaming, "I HATE THIS," at the top of my lungs today in my car (as tears streamed down my face...yes...I know...very safe to be driving in such a state). It sounds so juvenile to say this, but it's just NOT FAIR! I want some answers! I want to know why. I want someone to explain how some people can plan A and B and C...and everything will be perfect.

And then there's me.

What do I say? I want to smile and tell her how happy I am for her. But I also want to cry and tell her how cheated I feel. Not only do I not get to enjoy her experience, but I've lost my son, my future, my joy and happiness. And I want her to understand and tell me it's ok. But I also don't want to freak her out and make her run away from me and feel like she needs to hide this wonderful time. I want her to know that my sadness won't go away or get better...but it doesn't make me incapable of being her friend during her good times.

Why is it so easy for some? But not for me?

7 comments:

cat said...

This kind of news is always bittersweet. I hope your friend can understand you are happy for her while you also feel strongly your own loss in hearing her news.

There are no right answers for this kind of stuff you stay honest and that's all you can do.

Sending you some support and love.

Jill said...

(((hugs))) I know a little of what you are feeling, at least the wondering why some seem to have smooth sailing their whole lives while others just seem to attract the shit of the world.

While you work out how to approach her, you can - must - express your pain here. It's certainly a balancing act and you will both make sacrifices to remain friends through this time.

I'm so sorry for this hurt and that new pain keeps finding you. No, it's NOT fair.

NervousKitty said...

(((Catherine))) I think we can all relate. I'm sorry you're feeling bad.

Kathy McC said...

I am sorry you're going through this. It isn't fair, you're right. I wish I could help you make the pain go away. Even now that I am pregnant, I still hurt when I see other people so blissful and happy in their pregnancies/lives. They have the innocence that we'll never get back, and it just sucks. We're all here for you, so please don't be afraid to let it all out. (((hugs)))

Bronwyn said...

That rage against the unfairness of it all is certainly something I can understand. I remember a few months after we lost Lydia that one of the women from my "pregnancy buddy" list emailed me to see how I was doing. When I told her that we were thinking of trying again, her reply was (paraphrasing), "Oh, that's wonderful! And you know what? Maybe we'll be pregnancy buddies again, because we've always wanted our children to be close together in age, so we're going to be trying again soon, too!!!" What kills me is that she might have *two* living babies right now (I, uh, kind of lost touch with her), and I couldn't even get one right...

vixanne wigg said...

Oh Catherine....I wish I had some answers for you. I cry about this all the time. And you must be a very nice person to care about being a good friend when you are hurting so much. It's not fair. But who ever said life was fair, right? (Whoever said that whoever said that life was fair...he should be shot.)

When things got really really down for me I would just to tell myself that eventually I would get my joy and that joy would be soooooo much more special than the joy that came easily. Sometime it helped and sometime it didn't.

I hope your joy comes very very soon.

Sarah said...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about another painful day that gets harder when a new pregnancy is announced. I'm in the place a lot lately... it sucks. But you are being a good friend to feel like you can find a way to still be friends, so give yourself credit.