Showing posts from March, 2006

I am gonna be one happy baseball fan.

Just a few hours ago I found out that I can see my home team play on their new network

and I got my birthday present early from my loving and beautiful wife. the MLB Extra Innings Package.

I hope the beast likes baseball :)

By the way, I am teaching my son to say boo Cubs, yeah Rockies. Just to irk my in-laws LOL

15 weeks

Just a little freakout...ok...a bit more than a little freakout.

I just don't FEEL pregnant. If it weren't for my sore breasts (sorry if that's too much information), I wouldn't even think I am pregnant.

Have I been so successful in my denial that this is the result? Or maybe I'm not pregnant? Maybe I wished it away? I feel like crying, so maybe I am pregnant (and hormonal)?

The pregnancy calendar says I've officially entered the second trimester. But maybe I haven't really.

Oh holy I know how insane this is going to make me.

Religion and Politics

My grandpa always told me not to discuss religion and politics with friends because people have such strong feelings about both topics that you're likely to lose a friend or two following a discussion of either. Well...since I've long since blown past the religion issue here on this blog (and I'm sure pissed more than one person off with it), I figure it can't hurt to tackle politics. But not just any politics. Politics that involves an acquaintance...a good person...someone I admire.

Here is the story.

I read the Court of Appeals opinion and I just don't know what to say. My colleague thinks perhaps there are some politics at work here.

Some things I find particularly disturbing...

1. You don't need a time stamp to file with the Board of Elections in Cuyahoga County. Apparently, it would be acceptable for me to just walk in and drop something on the counter to be considered filed.

2. If there is no controlling authority on a point of law, do not expect the Court o…

Time to move on

There will be no lawsuit over Alex's death. The expert the attorneys consulted wasn't willing to testify on our behalf for a variety of reasons. He is plaintiff oriented, so if he's not willing to help, there is no hope of finding someone who would be willing. As is said about lawyers, doctors protect their own. And despite what several medical professionals have told us in the context of our medical treatment, we would not find many clamoring to testify in a courtroom.

So that is that. I am at peace with it. I never really wanted to sue...I just wanted to know if I should sue. Does that make sense?'s time to move on with our lives and look forward as much as possible.

Onward and upward and all that jazz.


Thanks M!

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with

Holding my breath

It's funny how I don't even realize I'm waiting for the bad things to happen until there is some momentary relief and I'm able to let go of the breath I've been holding and relax a bit.

My mom called a couple nights ago. I didn't answer the phone because we'd just spent all day shopping and I was sitting in bed with my swollen feet up on a pillow, knowing I could never race to find and answer my cell phone in time. My dear sweet husband tried...but the depths of my purse delayed his valiant attempt. Anyway...
Mom called to tell me that my grandmother, her mom, had fallen and possibly broken her shoulder. My grandma is 80+ years old. Don't ask me an exact age because I don't know it (and I'm not sure anyone else does either, to tell the truth). She has been deteriorating physically for the last couple of decades, partly because she is 80+ years old and partly because she lives on a diet that consists mostly of cheesy puffs and coffee. But her physi…

Shakin' it off

Been in a funk the last few days and I'm working really hard to shake it off. But first I need to get some things out of my head...

I've been asking religious questions the past year or so...because I want some answers. It is not, nor has it ever been helpful, for people to tell me the following:

1. You're just not appreciating the good things...counting your blessings...fully enough.
2. You shouldn't worry about what other people have and you don't. Alternative to this one is that your suffering is nothing compared to others' suffering. (I'm not really sure how the two coexist, but they seem to.)
3. You should read your Bible and pray. just need to have faith.

I'm sure there are more, but these are the key ones that really bug me.

I have fully counted my blessings. I appreciate them more than you could ever know. But you see, I'm hung up on this one son is dead and buried in the ground. That doesn't mean I don't love my living…

Party pooper

Someone asked if I'd started planning Sam's fourth birthday party when it hit me...

I should be planning two birthday parties.

I should be complaining about having two children with birthdays too close together to do them both justice in the party department.

I should be saying things like, "I'm waiting to plan Sam's birthday until after I see how Alex's goes."

I should be printing up cute little invitations that fit in with a theme suitable for a first birthday, but not repeating the Tigger theme I used for Sam.

I should be thinking about guest lists and menus and cakes.

I should be weighing whether to have just family, or just friends, or some combination of both.

I should be worrying about how much money two birthday celebrations is going to cost us.

I should...I should...I should...

Done and Delivered!


Slightly disturbing

I went on the first leg of my quest to learn about world religions yesterday. It was just a brief trip to the Waldenbooks' religion section. Problem was...all the books were about Christianity.


And suggestions on good books that will give me religious perspectives OTHER than Christianity? I'm looking for a kind of, "this is what we believe and why." A little historical perspective would also be welcome.

I did pick up the two CS Lewis books that have been recommended to me. The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed. I was surprised to find that they are thin little books...for tackling such big topics, I would have thought there would be more. I will let you know what I think (of course).

(oh yeah...the exclamation point issue has been refined for today. I can use it if and only if I use the shift key on the left side of the keyboard...the right shift key seems to only work with @ and beyond.)

Are you freaking SERIOUS?

The woman who had her miracle baby and the new daddy coworker are standing in the doorway to his office next door talking about the miracle of her daughter's birth...complications and all. And new daddy coworker chooses that moment to divulge that his mother lost a baby at birth due to its cord being around its neck, "You know, back then, they didn't have anything but salad tongs to work with."

What the hell is wrong with these people???

Let's stand in the open, next to the office of the woman who's seriously freaking out over the anticipation of the first anniversary of her son's STILLBIRTH, who is tentatively holding onto her sanity by denying that she is pregnant again, and talk about pregnancy complications and dead babies and miracles.

Yeah...that's right...I'm closing my damn door because you people have the compassion and empathy of freaking rocks.

(By the way, this post is intended to be more emphatic, but I have just now discovered that m…

So you're feeling normal, are ya?

Yesterday I went to pick up his pills and had to make an appointment at the vet for our old dog. The appointment has to be within the next thirty days so that we can have appropriate bloodwork done before the next refill (to make sure his liver and kidneys are still functioning properly). The receptionist asks me, "The 15th or the 22nd." I pulled out my handy-dandy day planner and flipped to those dates. I chose the 22nd, even though it's on the outside of the 30-day limit. Why? Here's where I slip off the deep end.

My reasoning went something like this...

My next OB appointment is April 11th. If there is something wrong with the pregnancy, the 15th won't give me enough time take care of everything and still be able to get the dog in to the vet on Saturday. The 22nd means I'd have at least a week and a half to take care of all the crap...and still manage to make the appointment.

What the...?!?!?! Where did THAT come from?!?!?! I'm all for planning ahead an…

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Twenty-six been-there-done-that moms responded when asked about their biggest fear concerning labor/delivery and bringing home a new baby. Not one of them responded that they were afraid the baby would die and they wouldn't get to bring him/her home. And that is why I can't talk to most other pregnant women.
Me: Oh Sam, you're just tired.
Sam: No I'm not.
Me: Yes you are.
Sam: No I'm not.
Me: Yes you are.
Sam: (sigh) Ok, I am tired.
I think this is interesting. But who is going to volunteer their child for the study to test the theory? Anaphylactic shock? Sure...go ahead?
Still crocheting...even through the pain. lol
I should get the majority of it done by tomorrow evening. I promise pictures will follow as soon as I'm happy with it. OK...I promise pictures even if I'm not happy with it.
Congratulations to the Ge…

Crochet related injury

Oh my...I'm getting old. I've been working away on Xavier's christening gown and my right arm is stiff and sore. How sad is that? I choose to believe that part of it was a result of walking the crazy foster dog on the retractable leash (and having her pull me all over kingdom come). Or maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse other than my advancing maturity...

Why does it bother me so much?

I know exactly why. Even before something bad happened to me, I still questioned the logic. Bad things happen...really bad a lot of people. What kind of just and merciful and loving God would do that to fulfill some mysterious plan? The bad things that happen to children...or old people...or animals. It would seem to me that an all powerful God could teach lessons without having to hurt the innocent. Why go the route of pain and suffering to teach these lessons? I do not understand. If given the choice between beating my child senseless and finding a more gentle way to teach him a lesson, I will always choose the gentler method. But it seems to me that the "grand plan" logic just accepts that God doesn't...God is ok hurting and killing as a means to teach us a lesson. And since I choose to believe that God loves us, I simply cannot believe in some grand plan idea. It doesn't doesn't make sense.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Christening gown progress


Introducing Baby #3

Unhealthy obsession?

Back when I was naive, I frequented a Due in June 2005 message board. I remember this woman, Taryn, who was pregnant with twins. Shortly after the receiving the good news, she learned that she had a bicornuate uterus (sp?) and the doctors gave her no hope for the twin in the smaller section of her uterus. That baby died in utero. But she carried the other twin for weeks...23 weeks, to be exact. Delaney Jule was stillborn at 23 weeks...February birthday. I don't remember the exact circumstances of her stillbirth, I just remember being crushed for Taryn and JD. She had this beautiful personal picture of herself with her husband where they were both smiling at the happy...and I couldn't imagine dealing with all they had to deal with.

After losing Alex, I looked Taryn up and have quietly followed her journey to becoming a mother. She was so positive every step of the way...considering all her options...including adoption. Ultimately, her and her husband decided…

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Sam spent two nights in our bed because he had a bad dream where there was "a frog from outside in [his] bed." He's back in his own bed, but his own bed is now back alongside my side of the bed. Which sounds cute, but let me tell you what a pain in the butt it is to get up to pee in the middle of the night. I'm really surprised I haven't killed myself yet.
And have I mentioned that he's being contained in his bed by pine planks? That's right. He kept falling out of the bed because the railings are only halfway down the length of the bed. Do we jump at the chance to be great parents and run to Babies R Us to find full length rails? Nope. We raid the lumber pile and stick a couple of pine planks along the sides. We are so going to hell someday. Of course, the universe has it's own way of informing me that this is a bad parenting decision...I have now bashed my knee on the protruding end of said …

It's all good

The Beast is cooking away...using his/her hands to wipe his/her face...or maybe trying to suck his/her thumb. Heartbeat somewhere around 140. I gained ZERO POUNDS! Woohoo!

The Doppler didn't work (thanks for the warning, Kathi), so he told me not to despair, he would get the ultrasound machine and we'd take a quick peek. I did not throw up...nor did I freak out completely. I just stared at the mobile of blue and purple fish hanging from the ceiling ( I know why that's there).

I cried when I saw the Beast appear on the screen. No longer a blob, the Beast now has arms and legs and fingers and toes. The stakes seem so much higher now.

Catherine 2 - Universe 0

~Orbit made it safely to his new home and I only cried a little bit upon his departure. Truth be told, I received a copy of a picture of him and his new mom and I feel much more at ease. The mom looks like MY mom, who Orbit is familiar with. So now I'm not so worried that he'll be all confused and feel abandoned again.

~I appeared in court today and managed to negotiate a 30 day continuance for the purposes of negotiating a universal settlement of all pending litigation. I didn't sound like a complete idiot. Wish me luck that we actually settle this because I do not relish the idea of having to make losing arguments.

Neither of these two happenings were as bad as anticipated, so I'm hoping my appointment tomorrow morning follows that trend. I'm fully prepared for bad news, so I guess that's good (I apparently did learn something in the Girl Scouts). Of course, it all could go to hell in a handbasket if the universe decides to exact its customary pound of flesh.


Happiness is...

Is it possible to actually turn into a cheeseburger?

Why are there no cheeseburger delivery places?

Why aren't cheeseburger restaurants open at 9am?

The secret of life...cheeseburgers.
Kristin ~ You and your entire family are in my thoughts today. I hope you feel the love being sent your direction and are able to enjoy some peaceful moments today. Thomas is a very lucky boy to have a mommy who loves him so much. {{{hugs}}}


This is going to be a fun week. Saturday Orbit is going off to his new adoptive home. Monday I have a hearing that I'm pretty certain I'm going to lose. Tuesday I have an OB appointment. At some point I need to take the other foster dog in to have her stitches removed (she was spayed two weeks ago). No stress involved here. I'm as a cucumber...

Yeah right. I might actually believe it if I keep telling myself that...a zillion times or more.

There are no words to describe the all-encompassing fear I feel if I even think about anything pregnancy-related. It's strange. Since Alex died I have found solace in using my words here. I have felt a sort of catharsis by putting my thoughts down in an organized fashion.

But not now. I have too much to lose. I'm afraid to utter the words...any of them. The happy ones, the sad ones, the angry ones, the bitter ones, the peaceful ones...they all tempt fate in a way that I'm not ready to do right now.

And I can't e…

Tuesday March 7th

I just drove home from work with the air conditioning on in the minivan. I shivered and shook, but I can now cheerfully say my sinus pressure headache of the past two days is throbbing ever-so-slightly less than earlier today.

Orbit has a home!

After six months, our foster Dalmatian, Orbit, has a new forever home! He's going to live in Maine with a woman who runs an equine rescue, volunteers her time at a local animal shelter, and loves Dalmatians. Her home visit report described her property as "a veritable dog paradise."

While I'm happy to see Orbit go and live the good life, I have to admit I'm going to miss the big guy.

And this will be a very emotional send-off for another reason. The last Dalmatian transport we did was for Deja Vu...on a Saturday morning in May 2005. Monday morning we found out that Alex had died.

I hope I can hold it together for this.

There's a blog post in here somewhere

Saturday afternoon, Sam, Steve, and I ventured out to run some errands. Truth be told, we were fulfilling our weekly promised bribe to Sam...a trip to Toys R Us for a new toy as a reward for sleeping in his own bed for an entire week. While I have enjoyed the week of sleep without an elbow in my ear or a foot in my kidney, I have to admit that I miss the little guy. And last night, I missed him all the more now that he has decided the next step to bedtime independence is to sleep with his bed actually pushed up against the wall and not up against my side of the king size bed. He's three feet away, but he seems so much farther away than that...

But I digress...and I have to stop or I will make myself cry.

So we headed to TRU and made our purchase. After a couple more stops, we headed to Super Kmart to indulge in some items required for a comfortable pregnancy experience...bigger underwear, fruit scented body wash, and an electric toothbrush.

Sadly, my gut has grown at an alarmingly f…

Polite jealousy

The lady that comes around daily to collect the trash is a very nice woman. She's probably my age (that'd be early 30's) and she always has a smile on her face, even when she's having a bad day. She's the kind of person who always puts you at ease.

Until your baby dies.

You see, she had a baby girl in late December 2004, almost three full months early. It was touch and go for a while and they didn't know if her daughter would survive. But she did. She suffers some developmental delays that are expected with preemies...she's actually three months younger than she is, ya know.

But she's alive.

I see it on her face every day when she smiles at me and asks for my bag of office trash. She could be me. That terrifies her and makes her joyous all at the same time. I'm her daily reminder how close we can come to disaster...and still come out with a happy ending. She's so glad she got that happy ending...and I'm glad for her.

She could be me.

But for my…
I sent another present to my secret pal. I took the lazy way and just ordered off her KnitPicks wishlist. I hope she likes it. :o)

Creative genius?

Steve and I have been invited to play fantasy baseball. But we need some creative team names for our teams. Suggestions?