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Showing posts from September, 2006

House update

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A lot of the home improvement that's been going on hasn't been much for the "wow" factor (interior plumbing and wiring). But here's a look at the new porch!

And here is the new roof line for the side porch (which will get an overhaul too).

The next major exterior improvement coming up is the siding. And then we move indoors for the fun stuff.

FREEDOM!!!

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Can I tell you how HAPPY I am about this? I know I have to drive that damn empty minivan (Steve and Sam will take this car...better gas mileage). But the key to that thought is that I get to DRIVE and not have to sit around and wait for a ride every single day! Yee Haw!!!

My husband sent me a rainbow

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I *almost* hate to do this

I really want to win this quilt.

But I'm posting it here and lessening my odds of winning because I think everyone should donate $5 for a chance.

The chance for this family to raise biological sisters together...well...that gives me goosebumps and makes me cry happy tears just thinking about it.

Swirling thoughts

So my mother asked me if I'm insane. LOL. Hi Mom!

I told her, "Yes...why do you ask?"

She said, "You bought baby bedding?"

And her point is...?

LOL

Here's my feeling...Nothing makes sense anymore, so why should I?

Of course, the simplest things set of a landslide of emotions without so much as a warning. No loose rocks falling down, no rain softening up the hard earth...just BLAM...it all goes crashing down the hill.

For instance...

I bought a leather coat. I LOVE my leather coat. I've never owned a leather coat. I look awesome in my leather coat. Why haven't I ever owned a leather coat before? Because I'm too nerdy to wear a leather coat. Do I look stupid in my leather coat? Oh my God, people are thinking how dumb I am.

Get the picture?

I know I have underlying "daddy issues" and I worry too much about what other people think of me.

Here's another of my favorites from recently...

Let's adopt. My period is one day late. Could I be? Ma…
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A favor

Go here and leave a comment to vote for my blogosphere friend, Kate.

The winners get a $50 gift card to Spafinder or Merry Maids (the nominee and the nominator).

And in case you want to know what you're voting for...

Here is the nomination post.

Here is Kate and Jonathon's blog.

This post and this post make me weep.

So that didn't take long...

Fraudulent. Stupid. Foolish. Like I have no right.

Hope...are you serious? I feel like any little ounce of hope I might have is some sort of foolish dream.

Who do I think I am to believe in that nonsense? Haven't I learned my lesson by now?

Guess it's going to take more than cute bedding...

Doodle's Mommy just called!

That's right! An ad in the paper and the Doodle dog is going home! Yay!

(And let me brag here...according to the director, the local APL returned only 1% of dogs to their owners last year. We're at 100%! Ha!)

I need my head examined

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We made it through the big due date. It sucked. I cried.

Thank you for understanding that I needed to turn off my comments because I couldn't deal with another, "I'm so sorry," without totally losing my sanity. I know it is meant as supportive and loving...and I am incredibly grateful to have found friends in the blogosphere who understand. So I hope you understand this too. And to everyone who sent an email...thank you...I haven't read them just yet, but I appreciate your kindness nonetheless.

So...yeah...we made it through the big due date. It sucked. I cried.

Then I moved on.

God...I have turned into a cliche. But ya know, after the first dead kid, the second one is a bit easier to deal with...at least for me. Maybe I'm a bit harder around the edges...but that's how it has to be in order for me to survive.

So we spent the weekend rescuing dogs from the side of the highway and buying baby bedding.

Really.

No...I'm not kidding.

No...I'm not pregnant…

And we have a name!

The big black lab is named Dakota. And it seems he disappeared from home about three days ago. His mom suspects he ran off with this companion because she's a girl...and he's not fixed. hehehe. She's coming to pick him up after she gets off of work tonight.

We printed posters and put them up at local businesses. Steve went into the Kmart (not a SuperK...still an actual old style Kmart), asked the person at the Customer Service desk to hang up the poster, and walked out. This woman overheard and looked over at just the right moment to see the photos. She chased Steve out of the store (leaving her purse and everything behind in her excitement) and said with a smile, "I'm almost positive that's my sister's dog." A phone call to verify the words on his collar (Bark if you're Irish) and we knew we had the missing Dakota.

Despite everything, sometimes I'm still tempted to think that things happen the way they are supposed to.

Now...to find curly dog&#…

Two little souls

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Look who we discovered on the side of the highway this evening...




It seemed like a good day to rescue two little souls.
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How very softly you tiptoed into my world,

Almost silently,

Only a moment you stayed,

But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart.

Faith's Lodge

In a sun-splashed room of a south Minneapolis home, young voices help warm the walls with breathtaking joy. Five-year-old Emmy and three-year-old Ally organize their dolls for a ball. Their mom, Susan Lacek, joins in, as their dad, Mark Lacek, takes in the moment.

One girl enthusiastically tells Susan, "You'll see if you get a card to the ball."

Susan responds, "Oh if we get invited to the ball!" "Yea, you are going to get a card," Emmy replies.

In this moment, that demands any parent to take a mental snapshot, Emmy declares, "Everybody gets two girls, and three dresses."

And the reality here is, there is a third dress for a third daughter who lives in everyone's heart -- but not heir earthly home.

"Her name is Faith," Emmy says. And her home according to three-year-old Ally is, "Umm, in heaven."

In a neighboring room, Mark and Susan reflect on another moment six years ago. "It was a pain that was so sharp and so deep,…

And today...windows!

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Yesterday's update...a day late.

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An undercover look at a working toilet...


I cannot describe my happiness over this.

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A man and his house...


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Don't they look like actual rooms?

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There's always more to the story...

Did she or didn't she?

The thing that amazes me is that they were so eager to "profile" a woman who lost a baby. When in fact, the profile could just be that of a nutcase.

And when the story breaks, you can always change the profile.

"In the vast majority of the cases we have seen, they have not" miscarried, Allen added.

I need to stop following this story...because it will only serve to piss me off further as the story unfolds.

Moral : Everybody lies stretches the truth.

...and exhale

I admit that I hold my breath. My heart races and my palms sweat when I see or hear my friends talking about certain things.

The story of the woman who attacked another and stole her baby...well that one has me very nervous. I have seen peeks of it here and there, but people have been pretty good at supressing the ugly things I can tell they really want to say.

People are sick. People are evil. There is no compassion.

I hold my breath and wait for those statements to hit me in the face like a slap. I don't have the energy to stand up and defend myself, let alone a complete stranger who is completely mentally unbalanced. I don't excuse her. How could anyone excuse that kind of behavior?

It's true, I don't know her circumstances. I only know she lost a baby (she didn't miscarry if she was at the end of her pregnancy...she had a stillbirth...but don't let facts ruin a perfectly good story) and a family member also recently had a baby.

And I can imagine it all.

I can…

So you've got a due date coming up...

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Could you proof this layout for us and let us know if it's ok to proceed to production of your son's grave marker?


It's perfect...if something like this can be considered perfect.

This sucks.

More news that hits too close to home

Abducted newborn found; Woman arrested.

Beck (the suspect) had been pregnant but apparently miscarried shortly before her own child was to be born.

The abductor had been profiled as someone who had a child die recently or as someone who could not have children, told people she was pregnant and needed to steal a child so her lie would not be found out.

Shit...I fit half of the profile of a nutso!

Not a good week to see this

Why does this disturb me?

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What day are we on?

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Day One was 8/29/06. So we're headed into the one month mark. ONE MONTH! These guys are amazing. In case you can't tell from the photo, those are SHINGLES on the right side of the house. Now that the front facing peak is done, I'm guessing shingles on the left side of the house will follow Tuesday. The back of the house is completely shingled already. Like I said, these guys are amazing.

Tuesday...the plumber pays us a house call. eek!

Place your bets

Picture day is today and tomorrow at preschool/daycare. Sam has been in daycare since he was 15 months old and we have exactly ONE school picture. Will we get one this year?

The contractor cannot fix our toilet. He is "baffled." It is 3:30pm. Steve is calling a plumber right now. Will it get fixed today or will I be spending tonight peeing into a bucket?

They were supposed to be putting up the rest of our shingles and installing our windows today. It's raining right now and I'm not sure how long it has been raining today. Will it rain for the next five days as would be in keeping with our luck?

The bank seems to have lost our request for reimbursement for our building and plumbing permits. Will they find it before I am forced to call and yell at them?

Will Sam write his letters today at school? tonight at home?

Will I fall asleep at my desk?

Will I stop blogging in that really annoying suspense-announcer voice?

Place your bets.

A day late

Steve and I talked about adoption.
We happily discussed it.
Happily looked forward.
I was one day late and terrified I was pregnant.
I didn't tell my husband.
I tested.
Negative.
Relief...
...and something else.
Regret?
Embarassment?
Shame?
Foolishness?
Despite all indications to the contrary, I apparently still harbor some delusion that I could have another living child.
This makes me either stupid or insane.
Either way, I am clearly out of touch with reality.
Wow could I consider adoption when I'm so obviously not resolved about pregnancy?
And why am I not resolved about pregnancy?
Do I need clubbed over the head?
I need to go back to "not talking about it until after the house is done."
Or maybe I need to go to "not talking about it at all."
If I could just get to "not THINKING about it."
My hair is falling out by the handfull.
Right on the post-pregnancy schedule.
How fitting that it should be now.
Due on Saturday.
I didn't think it would hurt this bad.
I…

Parenting failure #48675423575

So we have hit the first roadblock that I am completely and totally stumped as to how to get around. My son refuses to write. Absolutely, flat-out, bribery doesn't work, won't even pick up a pen, would rather spend TWO HOURS screaming and crying...refuses to write.

Preschool has begun. Sam's having to adjust to a schedule of "appropriate behavior" and "school time" where he had previously enjoyed a rather unstructured and free atmosphere. And I don't mind saying, he's not doing well with it. He says it's boring. He says he doesn't know how to write. He says he is not going to do it ever, ever again.

Great.

To be fair, he did try writing. He tried, made a small mistake, and went ballistic because it was not perfect. He is harder on himself than we could ever possibly be. So the perfect solution is not to try at all. You can't fail if you don't even try.

Beautiful. I have apparently taught my son that it is better to sit there and c…

A funny thing happened on the way to insanity

I'm sick. Achy, stuffy, feverish, vomiting snot, sore throat, lungs on fire.

I've got my period. Day one and you'd think I was bleeding to death. Cramps to add to the fun physical disaster I have become.

Our only toilet won't flush. The plumber would cost $500 because it's Sunday. We don't have $500 just because it's Sunday. Steve took the toilet apart and snaked it...used an air blaster...ran water through the vent to clean it out...still nothing.

I can't stop crying.

I can't turn it off. What I should be doing right now. The baby boy I should be loving.

Instead, I'm going to have to pee and vomit into a bucket...and I can't stop crying.

Maybe this will be funny in a couple of days.

But somehow, I just don't think so.

Clothing jealousy

Sam is a boy. I love him dearly. He is my life. Let there be no doubt about that.

But the shopping...

The clothes...

The little boy clothing is just not so much fun.

I was washing some laundry for our house fire friends (sounds like a weird branch of Campfire Girls, doesn't it? God, I'm showing my age...do they even HAVE Campfire Girls anymore?)...anyway...I was folding their daughter's laundry after it had been washed and Oh.My.Gosh. The clothes are so stinkin cute!

I know I don't buy a lot of fashionable clothes for Sam (aka expensive), but I try to get him some of that good stuff from the consignment shop. So I got to thinking this morning that maybe I need to head directly to the source. Maybe the consignment shop doesn't carry the really good stuff because it's so cute nobody wants to re-sell it.

Uh...wrong.

First stop...Gymboree online...
~My child is NOT a football, baseball, or rugby player. So why, oh why, would I dress him like one?
~Big trucks and earth mo…

Shhh...don't tell my husband...

Thanks to a tip from Donutbuzz...this trio is going to see the Wiggles on November 9th!

Could it really be?!?!

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Help Isabel

Go here and bid on something to help Isabel and her family.

(I have an item in the auction)

Stream of consciousness ranting

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I got my son this jacket on eBay. He loves it. Is he wearing it today?

Daddy?

No...he is NOT wearing it today.

Because he put it on the kitchen counter last night when he could find no other available free space in our construction zone...and Daddy could not find it this morning. So he's wearing his old Gymboree hoodie. At least that's what I'm hoping happened and it wasn't just that Daddy didn't put any jacket on him.

Steve's mad search for Sam's shoes was averted this morning when I heard him muttering and asked, "What did you say?" Luckily when he said he couldn't find Sam's shoes I remembered exactly where they were when he took them off. It could have been very bad if Sam had to go to school in his sock feet.

Have I mentioned that I am tired of the construction zone. I can't find anything! And if I do find something, I have to literally hold onto it for fear it will get lost again if I set it down (much like Sam's jacket).

This m…

Knock it off!

Today I get a birth announcement...about someone I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

Hello All!

Just passing on that Dean T's wife had her baby this morning! It's a boy, Andrew T. For all of you who don't remember (and I guess that would be most!), Dean was once one of us in the white hats!

So this guy...who I've never met...used to work in this office...had a baby...or rather, his wife had their baby.

WHY DO I CARE?

AND WHY SHOULD I NOT HUNT YOU DOWN AND BEAT THE LIVING SNOT OUT OF YOU for sending this to "ALL"????

Seriously...using restraint in your emailing would NOT be a BAD thing.

Don't make me block you as a spammer. (Now THERE'S and IDEA!)

I'm sorry friend

Please send some love Laura's direction today.

This just is NOT fair.

On God and grief

Brooke has taken the time to post this excerpt from "Tracks of a Fellow Struggler" by John Claypool. It's worth a read for anyone struggling with the question of faith and resignation.

My favorite part...
"It is not rebelliousness, then, but faith that keeps me from finding any promise down the road of unquestioning resignation. This approach is closer to pagan Stoicism than Christian humility. I have no choice but to submit to this event of death. Still, the questions remain, and I believe I will honor God by continuing to ask and seek and knock rather than resigning myself like a leaf or a rock."

Thank you Brooke!

Not right AT ALL

Come with me on a tour of Columbus Blue Jackets ticket prices...

LOWER BOWL
US $53.00 - US $150.00

GLASS SEATS
US $150.00

CENTER ICE LOUNGE
US $140.00

CLUB LEVEL
US $93.00

UPPER BOWL
US $16.00 - US $41.00

SKY TERRACE (Above Upper Bowl on West end of building)
US $25.00

Who do these guys think they are? The Detroit Red Wings? Good grief, their record last year was 35-43-4. They were third in their conference, which is a darn sight better than previous years when they couldn't BUY a win....But for these prices?!?! I just don't think so.

Anger revisited

Going back and reviewing my archives, I found that this is about the time anger set in last year. So you'll be glad to know that I'm right on track as far as that goes. I really can't think of anything to say that I haven't said a million times before. I am not "resolved" in my grief. I don't think I'm even taking steps toward resolving my grief. But my archives say differently. It's a damn good thing I keep a blog...if only to self-diagnose and self-treat my own mental breakdowns.

Yes I'm angry...let me count the ways (with apologies to EBB)...

At people who complain about mere annoyances as though they are real problems...and expect me to agree.
At the rain.
At people who ask me how I'm doing. Really. How do you think I'm doing?
At my body...wash, rinse, repeat.
At my dead children...I mean, it was all under their control, right?
At happy mommies. I want to choke the living snot out of all of you (yes, I know you don't deserve it).
At my…

Welcome to the world Nolan Cary!!!

Elizabeth had her baby!

He weighs 5 pounds and measures 18 inches long.

Congratulations mama!

A roof!

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Sorry for the poor picture quality. I took this picture this morning from the minivan in the rain with my new camera phone...So ALL conditions were unfavorable. But you can clearly see that we have what is starting to resemble a roof! Yee Haw!

Think...shingles by Friday...



Yes, it's raining. Yes, we have water IN our house. No, we're not going to talk about it.

James Patrick Leahy - New York Police Department, 6th Precinct

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Lessons Learned Young

James P. Leahy learned responsibility at a tragically early age. A New York City police officer, he was 13 and the eldest of five children when his father, a Parks and Recreation Department employee, was murdered while on duty at a city golf course.

Officer Leahy, 38, became the head of his family then and there, said Officer Tim Duffy, a colleague at the Sixth Precinct in Greenwich Village. His youngest sister, Danielle, describes James Leahy as the only father she knew, from the time she was a toddler until he walked her down the aisle.

Losing his father shaped Officer Leahy's devotion to his own family: his childhood sweetheart and wife, Marcela, and his sons, James Jr., 18, Danny, 13, and John, 6. To ensure his children's educations, he worked two part-time jobs, as a security guard at New York University and at a J. C. Penney store near his Staten Island home.

He coached his sons in football and was always on the sidelines for their Little League games. …

Gonna take some getting used to

Steve is upstairs. UPSTAIRS! It is unbelievable that this dream that hatched five years ago when we moved in is now becoming a reality. He can't believe it either. That's why he climbs up there every chance he gets, even though nothing has changed since yesterday, to check it out. I know what he's thinking in his head...because I'm thinking similar things. Here is where the closet will be...here is where the bathroom will be...etc...etc.

It's really going to take some getting used to...hearing footsteps up above though. For the last five years we've been one-floor-living-and-loving. With the un-usability of the previous upstairs over just one third of the house, we didn't spend much time up there, opting to use the space mostly for storage. Our attempts to fill the existing two rooms with kids didn't go so well, so the "stuff" accumulated and gathered dust (and was, in its unused state, apparently a great receptacle for cat puke).

Which leads …

Welcome to the world Beatrix Violet!!!

Mopsy had her baby!

Congratulations mama!

Almost ready for a roof

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Marking time for (a year and) four months.

Last year at this time I made a list of what I've been doing other than grieving...and it seems like a good way to pass this day as well.

~Still doing animal rescue...though slightly scaled back due to gas prices.
~Still crafting...though less for charity and more for gifts for friends with new babies.
~Still mystery shopping...this weekend a "conflict diamonds" mystery shop. Sparkly things and making managers uncomfortable...this is fun stuff!
~Still volunteering with Memories of Mariam...making free memorial items...mother's bracelets and commemorative certificates.
~Not so much cleaning. Lots of playing. Trying not to lose my mind in the mess that is my house.
~Watching the destruction/construction.
~Working on a NILMDTS database. I also just signed up to be a parent coordinator to promote the organization.
~Talking to my June 2002 mommy friends about a planned vacation in October. I finally get to meet them! I've only met one so far so this is exciting for me, since …

And then there were walls!

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Today

I'm going for the lighthearted stuff today because I have a headache and I know I'm going to feel like crap tomorrow through Monday (and probably blog sad stuff).

Today I cleaned the gunk out of my computer mouse and it has made all the difference. Two thoughts...(1)What IS that stuff and how did it get in there? and (2)Why didn't I do this sooner?

Today I am paying for the overindulgence in nuts yesterday. Note to self...find some self control...this is not worth it.

Today is payday! And we got our escrow refund from our old mortgage company! Money, money, money...

Today I realized that my failure to pay for tracking on a jewelry return to Limoges Jewelry will probably result in no exchange or refund. $89 lost in the mail. God, I'm an idiot. But I still hold the q-tip who works at the local post office partly responsible...since he didn't even OFFER me any sort of tracking or insurance. grrrr

Today (well, actually yesterday, but you're not keeping track, are you?) …

Make me giggle

Independent fighter for Ohio families.

This is an actual ad tagline for an Ohio Republican candidate for Senator.

"Independent" IS underlined in the actual ad.

Can anyone else see the humor in this?

Hilarious!

I totally stole this off another blog. But it made me laugh until I cried, so I HAD to share it with you all. Enjoy!

Hey Joe

I have done it...perfected the absolute best way to drive my husband insane. It's true. It took me twelve years of marriage, but I think I've finally come up with the one thing that might actually drive him around the bend. No, it's not my poor housekeeping skills. No, it's not killing off two of our kids in utero. No, it's not suggesting that we forget our bad luck and attempt to remodel our house. So...What is it, you ask? I know, I know, I know...the suspense is killing you.

The key to my husband's mental in/stability? Have Sam call Daddy, "Joe."

No, I'm not kidding. Here's the story...

Sam, of the whiny, "Moooommmmyyyyy" and "Daaaaadddddyyyy" fame, was trying to sort out the incredible nonsense of middle names last night. I mean, really...two names? Why? I will have to look that up.

So anyway...

Sam said, in his best mommy imitation voice (and while wagging his index finger in the general direction of his father), "Ste…

Somebody stop me

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Google searches and other statistics

If you found me by searching for "23 weeks pregnant" - I'm sorry. Do not read anymore of my blog. It will only serve to scare you. Click the back arrow or the little X in the upper right hand corner.

If you found me by searching for "making a toast to Poe at his graveside" - Wha? Seriously...what?

If you're checking my blog at work - Shame on you! (You'll never get tenure/a promotion this way! You know who you are.)

If you're visiting for a length of time shorter than a minute - Why are you bothering? Are you a super speed reader?

If you're visiting for a length of time longer than a half hour - Don't. It will only serve to depress or annoy you.

To the edge and back...to the edge and back...ad nauseum...ad infinitum

I have developed a whole other cycle. There is my normal PMS cycle of course. And now there is a cycle the revolves around the 7th through the 11th every month.

I know it's not healthy to mark these monthly "anniversaries," but I seem to do it unconsciously even when I try not to. Round about the 5th of every month I start to become unreasonable...and screechy.

Of course it doesn't help that I have the king motor-mouth as a son and I always have to mediate (stupid) disputes between he and my darling husband. But you'd think I could find a way to break the cycle by now.
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Pregnancy items I lent to friends are slowly making their way back to me. It's just sad and pathetic that I have to open each box.

If I didn't have control issues, I would just tell people to do whatever they want with them. That would make it so much easier. I think I'm going to try it.

If you have anything of mine that is pregnancy related...please …

Welcome to the world Dorothy Grace!!!

Becci had her baby!
Born September 5th, 2006 at 5:16pm.
Weighing 8lbs 2oz and measuring 19 inches.

Congratulations mama!

God is in the smelling

OK...so I'm not so fond of the prayers and good thoughts requests that seem to pervade online communities. But I feel the need to offer up some thanks today for the safety of our friends, H, C, and their little girl, A.

Whether an intervention of God, fate, or the universe...or just simply H's keen sense of smell...We are so glad you are all safe and sound (well, as sound as you were BEFORE you tried to burn your house down...hee hee). If you need anything, please let us know.

37 weeks

There is a good chance you would have been born by now. We'd be re-learning all about diapers and sleep deprivation.

9/23/06

That was supposed to be your day...our day.

It is less than one month away and I haven't fully contemplated that thought yet. I can't.

When Alex died, it was so near to his due date that it seemed to blur into the initial pain and sorrow. But this...this is like have a healing wound re-opened, inch by painful inch.

Each day that creeps by is another that I have time to contemplate that life where your soul remains...joyfully joining our family...in that parallel universe that is so far away from this reality. That existence where we are happy again and we don't look at everything through the lens of what should have been.

I haven't been dealing with it at all. I've been, quite simply, ignoring it all...fumbling my way through each day the best way I can. Ignorance is bliss, or so they say. So instead of doing the grief work I know I need to do,…

Fair day

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Photos by Sam:

Necessity is the mother of invention

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This is what it has come to...

uh...yeah

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To the grocery store we go for vacuum cleaner bags...and beer.

Had a drip in the next room...punched a hole in the ceiling...and this poured out.



ummm...help

170 years of funk (no, you can't dance to it)

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Since 7am, we have been bailing 170 years worth of funk as it drained from our open upstairs into our front room. We're tired. Why did I think we, of the horrible bad luck, should try a home renovation? 50 gallon tub...emptied four times...200 gallons of water in our front room. Oy!

Our contractor says we will laugh about this when all is said and done. Hysterical laughter of the insane has already come to visit...when discussing the smelly brown quality of the water we were bailing, Steve called it, "170 years worth of funk," and we both immediately decided that was a blog-worthy quote. We are sick individuals, there is no other explanation.

Day Four Construction - Day Five Water

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