Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Swirling thoughts

So my mother asked me if I'm insane. LOL. Hi Mom!

I told her, "Yes...why do you ask?"

She said, "You bought baby bedding?"

And her point is...?

LOL

Here's my feeling...Nothing makes sense anymore, so why should I?

Of course, the simplest things set of a landslide of emotions without so much as a warning. No loose rocks falling down, no rain softening up the hard earth...just BLAM...it all goes crashing down the hill.

For instance...

I bought a leather coat. I LOVE my leather coat. I've never owned a leather coat. I look awesome in my leather coat. Why haven't I ever owned a leather coat before? Because I'm too nerdy to wear a leather coat. Do I look stupid in my leather coat? Oh my God, people are thinking how dumb I am.

Get the picture?

I know I have underlying "daddy issues" and I worry too much about what other people think of me.

Here's another of my favorites from recently...

Let's adopt. My period is one day late. Could I be? Maybe I want to be. I do. I want to be pregnant again. But what I feel about a possible pregnancy isn't happiness or sadness or fear...it's embarassment. I'm thinking how people are going to react already! Going to the doctor for all those visits I know I'll have...embarassment.

I still feel like a failure. And that's all wrapped up in how I've always lived my life the way you're "supposed to." You go to school, get a job, get married, get a house, have kids... All so perfect. I don't smoke. I don't drink to excess. I've tried to clean up my language. I did it all the "right" way.

But who decided it was right anyway? And if I were to sit here and define what the right way is...I'm not sure I could do it. So where did this standard come from? And how in the hell am I supposed to live up to a standard I can't even define?

It's funny, because a lot of this stems from buying that leather coat...and watching Grey's Anatomy. Yep. Izzie fell in love with her patient. And someone on the show, can't remember who, said something about not being able to choose who you fall in love with...how you just have to live and not worry about it all so much. And that's me (except I probably won't go nuts and try to perform weird medical procedures I know nothing about on my heart patient fiance). I need to learn how to just live and not worry about it all being perfect.

There are no extra points if you do it all right. When you die, are you going to be glad you did x, y, or z? Or are you going to be glad you didn't do them because they weren't socially acceptable? If I die today, I'll be glad I bought the leather coat. But there's so much more that I want to do. If only I could stop worrying about what everyone might think or say.

10 comments:

R said...

Catherine, I have all those thoughts every day. I always think of "When I am an old woman I should wear purple", you know, all the things she wishes she would have done when she were younger. Seriously, who cares. Who cares if I looked like Aunt Jemima yesterday when I went to my mom's group. (handkerchief on my head). Why do we all want to be the same?

Be different. It's refreshing.

Yay for the leather coat!

And kudos on the baby bedding.

Misty said...

I know your insecurities. I'm afraid to buy any new clothes because I don't know wht size I wear, and I'm terrified of going into a NORMAL size clothing store because I'm sure they'll be snickering. But like you said, this is YOUR life, and you're the only one who reaps the benefits of the risks you take, and the loses. So, you wear your coat and I'll go into Gap ;)

Sarah said...

I have always spent a lot of time being self-conscious about everything in my life. And nothing has really changed… I hate that I put so much energy into wondering about what other people think about me.

Good job on the leather coat! I’m sure you look great in it. I once tried on some leather coats and found one I liked, but chickened out. I think I thought people wouldn’t think it was very “me”, whatever that is!

kate said...

You are NOT too nerdy for a leather coat. Sheesh.

Of course, don't ask me for advice on what to wear. I have had people try to flag me down on the street, presumably thinking i had something fun to sell them. Maybe it's just the neigborhood...yeah, that's it...

Seriously, i do think there is a standard for 'right' and 'wrong' but it doesn't necessarily agree with the 'socially acceptable' and the 'supposed to'. And fate can screw you no matter how good & right a life you lead. Which is why the belief in a just and equitable afterlife is so compelling.

Megan said...

I just got my first leather coat last year for Christmas and I barely wore it because it wasn't the cute little short ones like my skinny friends wear. You know what, who cares. We'll both proudly wear our leather coats that aren't a size small this winter Kate. :)

As for whether or not you add to your family by birth or adoption, the only thing that matters is what you and Steve think. The rest of the world can just screw off! Eat a piece of f*ing cake and be happy my friend :wink:

Catherine said...

Just so nobody is upset...the f*cking cake comment is an inside joke.

Sarah said...

Is that bad that saying eat a piece of f*ing cake seems totally normal and not rude to me???

:)

Megan said...

Whoops, sorry Kate. Didn't even think that most of the people wouldn't get it :Doh:

miraclebaby said...

IMO there is no "right way". Everyone has their own journey. You do what you feel is right for you and your family. And I think it's great that you went out and bought bedding.

deadbabymama said...

Too nerdy to wear a leather coat? ummm, hello? Who is too nerdy to wear leather?

Do what you want and leave your inner editor at the door - I love that attitude! It befits someone with a new second story.