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Showing posts from April, 2011

One year

I remember I HAD to get home. It was an instinctive need to gather up my hard-won little family, take them home, and wrap us all up in fluffy warm blankets. I needed those three other souls next to me. I needed to feel their presence so that I would not feel the absence of others so sharply.

That strategy has worked pretty well for me. Determined not to fall into the same darkness that consumed Sam's third year, I vowed to be present for Myles' third year...Sam's eighth. Despite my record-setting ability to suffer disaster at exactly the right time to ruin birthday celebrations, I committed myself to the HERE...to my boys who deserve more than tears and emptiness.

So here I am. This is better. It's not completely healed...but it IS better.

It still hurts and the temptation is still there to scream about the unfairness of it all. But there is nothing good to come of that...no point to all that wasted effort. It is much better to hold my little family close and celebr…

Because of what's coming

I was fine. FINE. We had a little disagreement that was NORMAL. But Steve asked me if I was being a little oversensitive, "...because of the date...because of what's...you know...coming up."

My response? I hadn't even thought of that!

And it's true, I hadn't.

And then I went on a deadbabymama weekend with some of the lovely ladies I'm fortunate enough to call friends as a result of my reproductive disasters. It was a nice weekend despite the fact that I was sick throughout (and am still sick two weeks later). It was good to be in their company. But I was uncomfortable with the emotion of it all and I couldn't admit why.

And now I can't stop thinking about IT.

April and May...filled with dates of horror.

Our baby died a year ago this week.

It seems so long ago...and just yesterday...all at the same time.

This is an amazing post over at Glow in the Woods.

I just really wish I could go back to not thinking about it.