Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Goodbye

He didn't have any clothes that would fit him until he was full term. We called him The Beast for 19 weeks and five days...He didn't even have a name. We didn't know he was a boy until three days earlier.

But on the day of his death and birth, his daddy bought him a soft blue blankie with barns and cows on it, and we chose a name for him from our list...Travis Leo...I hope he likes them both.

I woke up at about 4:30am Sunday and just knew something wasn't right. We called the doctor at 6:15am after I finally convinced myself that I wasn't just remembering last year. Steve stayed with Sam while I went in to the hospital, fully hoping that they would tell me I was crazy and send me home...after hearing that sweet heartbeat sound on the doppler. But by 9am, when the nurse said, "We don't know anything for sure," I replied with, "Please don't do that, we both know for sure."

Induction started Sunday morning at 11:30am. Travis Leo was stillborn at 4:30am Monday, May 8, 2006. He weighed 1lb, 9ozs and was 11 inches long. He had his brothers' nose, ten fingers, ten toes, and appeared physically perfect...except for the dead part.

I held him briefly before passing out from the medication....then again when I awoke later in the morning. I called my parents and they came to see us and take pictures. This time I was prepared. I guess experience pays off in this, at least.

I asked for all sorts of testing, to cover infections, chromosomal abnormalities and physical defects. We just had the ultrasound on Wednesday and I was/am healthy, so that provides some clues that it wasn't an infection like with Alex, but I wanted to be sure.

I felt it was inevitable. I couldn't believe that we would be so lucky as to bring another living baby home with us...THIS baby...our Travis. Maybe I cursed us all. Maybe I'm being punished for not believing in God anymore. I really don't care about the who or what or why this happened to us. It happened...and our lives will forever be changed.

I looked at our Sam yesterday and saw two ghost children dancing around with him. I thought to myself how Alex should be almost a year old. Then I thought how, in his absence, Travis should be an exciting expectation in our lives. There is nothing that will fix this.

I was just beginning to feel that Alex was a blessing in my life. I was able to think of him with a smile and not with tears. Similarly, I was just beginning to think of The Beast with a smile and excitement instead of only fear. But quite honestly, all that happy bullshit was just that...bullshit. Let's face it, this isn't a blessing of any kind. That's just what I told myself to make myself feel less horrible. The time spent carrying babies that will never be born is wasted time. There is no blessing in any of it. I just didn't want to admit that I had wasted so much time...time picking up Sam because he weighs too much, time learning with my horses for fear they would hurt me or the baby, time drinking alcohol and partying, time working because I was grieving a dead child and hoping for a new one, time digging in my garden because there was a danger of cat droppings, time being intimate because I was too tired or too sick or too scared. And what did I spend my time doing? Crying, grieving, ranting at God/the universe, being afraid. All that wasted time...for nothing. What an idiot I am.

There is nothing more I can say that I haven't said already. And quite honestly, I don't think I will be online for a while...if at all. There is no amount of talking or typing that is going to heal me. There is nothing I have to say anymore that is positive or supportive or helpful. It all seems so pointless...for me anyway. I wish you all well and thank you for all the kindnesses you have shown me. Kate, I received the rose for Alex. It is beautiful and absolutely perfect. Thank you.

If you ever have a moment, please send a smile out into the universe for our Alex and the baby boy who died without a real name...our Travis.

We loved them both when they were here with us and we will love them forever.

40 comments:

kate said...

There are no words. I wish i was there to give you a hug in person....

Know that i am thinking of you and your family....i am always here if you need me...

MB said...

Catherine, you are in my thoughts constantly. I'm so sorry.

R said...

Sending up smiles for Alex and for Travis.

pengo said...

Travis Leo is a beautiful name, an awesome name. I am so sorry.

Sweet Coalminer said...

Goodbye Travis. I wish we had all known you differently, you sweet, tiny little peanut. I wish your mommy had made posts about clogged ducts and being tired and loving you but feeling conflicted sometimes and healing.

I hope you and Alex are together somewhere, a pair of beautiful boys, and that you have peace.

I am so sorry Catherine. This is all just too much. Anything you need...

deadbabymama said...

I'm sorry. I love your boys too, all three of them, because you have made them live for me through your words.

Kathy McC said...

I'm so sorry...I just don't know what else to say. (((hugs)))

Sherry said...

Oh, Catherine. My heart is breaking for you!

Again, I'm so terribly sorry this has happened. I don't know what else to say - you've been in my thoughts non-stop since I first learned of the news yesterday morning. But, please know that you are all in my prayers for peace and healing.

AJW5403 said...

I wish there was more that I could do for you then just type words for you to read. I think of you daily and wish you and your family peace in all of this.

Julie said...

Sending lots of love out to Alex and Travis. Peace to you all.

Julie said...

I am thinking of you and your family Cathy. I am just so sorry. I wish I could do something, anything, to make it all so different. We are all here to lend support. I know it's such a small thing, but there is nothing else we can do. I am thinking of you, and Alex, and Travis, and sending you love. I'm just so sorry.

TNChick said...

Kate, Just wanted to send you my love and let you know I'm always here whenever, if ever, you need me.

Hugs to you all. I pray for strength and understanding, for you.

I so wish this didn't happen, Kate. I'm sorry :(

xoxox

Laura said...

Oh Catherine, I wish so much that I could give you a hug. I've have been thinking about you constantly, working on a crocheted afghan and trying to get my brain around what has happened. I'm so terribly sorry for this--that doesn't even say it. I'm sending love and kisses and smiles to your sweet boys and praying for peace in your and Steve and little Sam's hearts.

Heather said...

My heart is so, so heavy for you. No one should have to endure what you have been through. I am so very sorry, Kate. I wish I could say/do more-anything to help. Just know that so many people are thinking of you and your family.

Tuesday Girl said...

I am so sorry for your loss.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

delphi said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. We will be here for you, as much as we can through keyboards and cyberspace. I am just so, SO sorry.

Bronwyn said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am so, so sorry that you have to endure another loss. I have been thinking about you and your family so much since your husband posted the terrible news. I wish there were something else I could offer besides these pitiful words. You will remain in my thoughts. Goodbye, sweet Travis.

Lola said...

You have my deepest sympathy, all of you. I am so sorry for your loss and wish that I could offer you more than just words.

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

I am so sorry Catherine, Steve, and Sam. There are no words for how heavy my heart is for you right now. I am so sorry for your loss of Travis. It isn't fair, it isn't fair at all. Please know I am here if I can do anything at all for you, and that I am thinking of you.

vixanne wigg said...

Catherine,
I am so sorry. I just don't understand how this could happen twice. I want to tell you to please not give up on their being meaning or healing or something that makes this right in any way, but I can't do that. I don't have that right. I'm just so sorry and I wish I could do anything to bring Alex and Travis back.

I would really like to do something meaningful for you. Do you have charity of choice I could donate to in honor of Alex and Travis?

Shinny said...

Catherine,
I am so very sorry for you losses. I wish that it all had turned out differently. Know that you are much loved by people around the world.

Take the time you need to grieve, cry and heal. We are all here for you when you need us.

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

I am so sorry. This world. It is just too cruel for words.

Sarah said...

Catherine, I know that there isn't anything that anyone can say here to really help you, but know that you (and Alex and Travis) have touched many people and we all wish we could somehow give back to you now. You were in my dreams last night. I hope you can find a way to be angry when you want to be, to be sad when you want to be, and find a time to smile with Sam and Steve when it feels right again.
Sarah

Cat, Galloping said...

oh catherine. i only came over here for the first time last week. i've been struggling with what to say. i know nothing i can say can help, not even a little. but i will say that i am thinking of you and your family and wishing you some peace. i am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Lorem ipsum said...

Still screaming along with you. I keep checking back because it is so unbelievable, it has to be a nightmare.

You and Steve and your three boys are so loved...

Jill said...

Catherine, thank you for sharing the smallness and hugeness of little Travis' story. There wasn't enough to tell and yet far too much:( I am so very sorry and my thoughts and love have been with you and Steve and Sam constantly.

You couldn't have said it better when you wrote it is bullshit, not a blessing. Your boys are of course a blessing, but that they are dead? Bullshit. No blessing there. And far too much to comprehend or to find meaning in.

I'm hoping there will be moments of peace out there and that you find them occasionally.

x

the ockers said...

My heart aches for you. This is just too much sadness for one woman to bare. How can one week hold so much sadness and grief? I am so sorry for you. Please know I am hoping you find much strength to endure all this for Sam's sake. I am hoping you and Steve and Sam all find a way out of this nightmare soon.

and of course, sending smiles and much love to Alex and Travis.

Julian's Mom said...

We've never met, but your family has meant so much to me over the past year that if I could take on some of your pain, I would--so many of us out here would. I feel like I should have learned something from losing my son, but I feel so helpless right now, and I want to do something, yet I know there's nothing anyone can do. Your little Travis has certainly made a big impact on my world.

Dunn Family said...

Thank you for taking the time to share Travis' story with us. In time I hope you will return. I personally have learned a lot through your writing as I am sure others have. Enjoy Sam, he deserves to have all of your love. He is the cutest kid I have seen in a long time. Your memories with him will last you a lifetime. I will be checking in on you. Don't give up. Thanks again for your stories. ~Kim~

msfitzita said...

Catherine, I'm sending smiles out to your beautiful Alex and Travis - and to you too, my friend.

I can't begin to tell you the depths of my sorrow and how much I wish there was something I could say or do to help.

I know you know this, but you don't owe us anything. You don't have to write things that are helpful, positive or supportive here - or anywhere. If you want to write, write for you. Write what's in your heart and get it out. Or don't write at all - but whatever you do, do it for you.

You give so much to so many, and it's time to take care of yourself. If there's anything we can do, please, please, please ask.

We're here for you and we love you. And we're crying right along with you.

Shannon said...

I am so, so terribly sorry.

Mrs. Fun said...

Kate, theres nothing I can say that I haven't already said :(
I want you to know how much you mean to me and I am thinking of you.
I love you.

:) n said...

i'm so angry and pissed off for you & your family. i'm so sorry kate. it's so wrong. it is bullshit.

i hate this. you mean so much to me kate. i can't stand that this happened to you. i hate it.

:( n

Diana said...

God, Catherine, there is obviously nothing I can say to make anything better, though you don't know how much I wish there were. I wish this hadn't happened. I wish so many things-but it won't change it. I will continue to think of you and your family, even if you aren't online. You are a beautiful person that doesn't deserve this...
My thoughts will be with you.
Again, I'm so sorry.

cat said...

All of you will be in our hearts always. We are so sad and broken hearted for you and wish you space and peace to mourn.

serenity said...

I am SO terribly sorry.

I wish I had more than words to offer. Peace to you and love to you all.

Anam Cara said...

Oh Catherine

My heart is breaking for you and Steve and Sam. I am completely shocked and saddened by the death of your baby Travis. I feel sick to my stomach and am so sorry that you are suffering so much. I would give anything to make this all go away and bring him (and Alex) back. If I only could..... Oh sweetie, it is so unfair and I am so so so sorry. I will never ever understand how this can happen again to such a kind, special, eloquent, caring and beautiful person, who has helped so many of us grieving mothers.
You deserved so much better than this and I am angry at the world/God/universe/whoever is in charge for allowing this to happen. Big (((hugs)))) to you and your family and a big smile up to Alex and Travis.

Lisa P. said...

Oh Catherine... I have been offline for a while and just heard this terrible news... and I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to say and know that nothing I *would* say could make it any better. But I'm thinking of you, and wishing I could do something... anything...

O'Connor English said...

Catherine, you don't know me. I have not been in your shoes. But I am drawn to you and your suffering. I wish no one had to suffer like you and your family are suffering. I just want to say that I am thinking of you and your tiny boys all of the time and wishing you peace.

Windfall Woman said...

I have no words.