I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.
I'm trying to remember that I'm only 20 weeks. But the time of year, the invading memories, the re-living, are keeping me awake at night.
Did I feel him move today? Did I feel him move yesterday? I don't want to miss it if he's in trouble.
But what kind of feeling should I have here? Would I even know if he was in trouble?
No, I can't feel those kicks on the outside...that was last time. I haven't gotten to that point this time...that was last time...last time when I wasn't paying attention. But now I'm paying attention. Just because I can't feel him moving doesn't mean he's dead. Right?
I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I want to go back to my denial and distraction.
Let me tell you about my new vegetable garden...