Saturday, May 06, 2006

I don't know why I thought I could do this

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.

I'm trying to remember that I'm only 20 weeks. But the time of year, the invading memories, the re-living, are keeping me awake at night.

Did I feel him move today? Did I feel him move yesterday? I don't want to miss it if he's in trouble.

But what kind of feeling should I have here? Would I even know if he was in trouble?

No, I can't feel those kicks on the outside...that was last time. I haven't gotten to that point this time...that was last time...last time when I wasn't paying attention. But now I'm paying attention. Just because I can't feel him moving doesn't mean he's dead. Right?

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I want to go back to my denial and distraction.

Let me tell you about my new vegetable garden...

4 comments:

Kathy McC said...

you can do this...and you will. You're one of the strongest people I know. Hang in there...(((hugs)))

kate said...

((((((((many hugs)))))))))) I am thinking of you alot these days, and sweet Alex, and the Beast too.

You can do this, well, heck, you have to do this, you have no choice now. But i know you can...

Poor boy needs to sleep too, remember that. If in doubt, use the doppler. That's what i did...

Also, you *need* to get enough sleep. It is absolutely *vital* for physical & mental health. Without enough sleep, perhaps you are not strong enough -- with sleep, you *are*. I cannot stress it enough. If you are not getting enough sleep, consider asking your doctor for some drug that will help you sleep.

Hoping for some peace for you...

kate said...

P.S. yes, please do tell me about your new vegetable garden!! And i will tell you about mine, uh, if i ever get it in...

Jill said...

Kate is so right. No matter what goes on, you have to work on the assumption that you are going to have to wake up each day and do what you have to do. There's no choice now and you WILL get through it.

The doppler is not a nutter's indulgence, it has kept many a person sane and even now I am glad to have it in the drawer *just in case*.

And please, don't be telling yourself that distracting yourself is a sign of weakness. No one could spend an entire pregnancy focussing inwards - every second of every day. You'll make it and you have plenty of people wanting you to get there and standing behind you. You're more than half way there:)