I have worried. I have been nervous. I have lost sleep. But last night was the first time I had "that feeling." And no amount of talking myself out of it was going to convince my brain that it was just the "flashback effect"...the remembering of what happened after our last ultrasound last year.
So I snuck downstairs in the dark while my husband and son slept and dopplered my belly. I almost vomited on the way down to the silent living room. The tears formed but wouldn't fall from my eyes. My heart raced and I suddenly started to shake. My skin was cold and clammy. I quietly begged God. Yes, this would be the ideal way to find out my baby is dead...in the dark silence of my own home instead of the sterile brightness of an examination room somewhere...alone...without any strangers giving me that damn sympathetic look that makes me want to scream.
I dopplered and found the heartbeat right away. GB gave me a swift kick for my efforts, as if to say, "Hey, I'…
Even when I try to think positive, the negative thoughts are stronger.
We bought the baby a sleeper at WalMart last night. We looked at carseats and swings in the store and online this morning. But this afternoon I thought something was wrong. I've dopplered and everything is fine, but that doesn't seem to convince my heart.
Positive and negative. Yin and yang.
I know part of this is because of the relation to the ultrasound. Last year we had our ultrasound and four days later the baby was dead. This isn't last year...I know that. This isn't that baby...I know that too.
Sam talks about teaching the baby things...playing with him...being a big brother. This morning I told him we need to tell my belly that the baby isn't allowed to die. Good grief.
I don't want to tell people these things. I don't want to admit that I'm not as strong as everyone wants me to be.
But there it is.
I wonder if I fooled them. I almost fooled myself for a while.
--------------------------------------- Never...and I mean NEVER...eat a whole bag of baby carrots. No matter how good they taste and no matter how hungry you are. Trust me. --------------------------------------- I apologize to my brother-in-law. I still have his birthday card/gift here. His birthday was the 11th. Yeah...I suck. --------------------------------------- We told Sam the baby is a boy. Think he was excited?
He said, "I've been wishing every day that it was a boy." awwwwwww... --------------------------------------- My husband is still alive and we're not moving to Georgia. --------------------------------------- After rejecting his proposal to name the new baby "Go Diego Go," Sam has become much more reasonable. I think we may have a name. We're not SURE (well...I'M not SURE...Steve and Sam are ready to monogram this kid's towels already), so we're keeping it a secret for a bit. --------------------------------------- No ma…
Weighing in at 11ozs. Measuring spot on for dates (18w5d for those keeping score at home). Everything looks good...No concerns at all.
Another boy!!! Sam will be thrilled. (And it's a good thing ya'll aren't professional odds-makers.)
The plan is to get steroid shots at 24 weeks and deliver at 35/36/37 weeks (as soon as possible). So we're talking probably sometime around Thanksgiving.
Steve and I are happy. Nervous...but happy.
For me...gained one pound (that's total so far...I'm pretty impressed with myself). BP after u/s (we didn't dare take it before) = 120/70 (normal for me). Back for another appointment next Wednesday morning.
(yeah, yeah, yeah...so I tried to type in a hurry and messed up the dates. I had a PUBLIC to answer to. LOL! Thanks Bon!)
I worry that you are so focused on getting angry at God and maybe that anger is misdirected.
It's funny that this should come up.
When I read this comment the first time, I was perplexed...shocked. Me? Angry at God?
And then I realized...I'm not. I'm not angry with God anymore. I am...I don't know...ambivalent about God right now. No, ambivalent isn't quite right. I'm working certainly working on my own personal conceptualization of God...what I believe...without anger. I think it is BECAUSE I am re-conceptualizing God for myself that I am able to let go of the anger. I can't believe what I always believed about God...not now. And maybe I always had a juvenile view of God. Maybe we all do until we are forced to REALLY examine what we believe and why we believe it. Maybe my confusion all stems from my own ignorance on the topic. But I don't think so.
I do have anger. But it is no longer about finding fault...finding a reason...finding the why. It just is wh…
When I posted my original thoughts on God a couple days ago, I was only explaining what I have come to learn about my own visceral reaction to the words "God has a plan" or "it wasn't meant to be." It was, in no way, intended to be a blanket statement/philosophy for anyone to "buy into." This blog is not about guiding anyone else...or telling anyone what is right or wrong. It is only about recording MY thoughts (on anything and everything).
Personally, I get very angry when I hear those words...almost to the point of physical illness. It has taken me a long time to figure out (for myself) exactly WHY I have that reaction. Perhaps I do over-analyze. I know that I am losing friends over my reactions (a fact that I recognize and fully accept responsibility for). But I also recognize that I cannot control my reactions unless/until I understand where they come from...what causes them. That was all I was trying to get out there...in my own words...for mysel…
-------------------------------------- I logged into my pregnancy calendar Thursday and was informed that my uterus is now the size of a cantaloupe. Maybe that explains my hunger the past few days for all things fruit. It also explains why it's getting a bit more uncomfortable to walk long distances. -------------------------------------- My dear friend sent me a present of pickles and ice cream. I'm not kidding. A Dairy Queen gift card inside an ice cream sundae greeting card...and a jar of gherkins. She said it is proof that there is a fine line between genius and madness.
She also sent me a couple little baby gifts. And gummy bears that Sam did not see the meaning in and promptly asked to eat. :o)
Thank you again Cynthia! -------------------------------------- Apparently my "news" is out now despite my having told only one or two people. If I have to answer "How are you doing?" every day I may just go mad. -------------------------------------- I am putting toge…
There are some lessons I think should be taught in a special school for moms. Because, quite frankly, some of this on-the-job-training sucks.
Monday was supposed to be a special day for Sam and Steve. Father-son bonding time. They had the whole day planned and had been talking about it for weeks (mostly to help alleviate the fear of the pediatrician Sam would be seeing at 4:30 Monday afternoon). Steve was going to pick Sam up before naptime. Sam had specific instructions not to eat lunch, because Steve would take him out to McDonalds. Just the two of them. Then they would hang out during the early part of the afternoon and head to the pediatrician in time for Sam's appointment (where he was going to get ONE shot).
Then Isaac got sick and decisions were made and plans had to change.
Instead of the day that he was looking forward to, Sam had to spend the morning saying goodbye to the dog, the early afternoon listening to a crying mommy, lunchtime eating lunch with both somewhat shell-…
Thank you to everyone who is contributing to my MOM Project effort... Holley (special thanks for the plug on your blog) Megan Roberta Darcie Marcia Jenne Cecily Mary Selina Michelle Sherry Stephanie
With your help, I was able to buy beads and findings, make these fifteen bracelets (with beads left over for more), ship them, AND still have a working cash balance for more! You are all awesome! I can't thank you enough.
(Sorry for the crappy picture...the camera phone is convenient but not high quality)
But here's the thing...I'm running out of beading supplies and we've got FOUR MONTHS of orders waiting to be filled.
Do you like to make bracelets? Would you consider donating your time?
Would you consider passing up that Starbucks for a week and donating five or ten dollars?
We're trying to make this free of charge to grieving moms. But it's getting harder and harder to do.
Sadly, as most of you know, there is a pretty large demand for pregnancy and infant loss memorial items. We simply can not keep up at this point in time.
**Edited to add*** You can send the money to me or to the project, whichever you feel most comfortable doing. If you send it to me, I can share what I do with it (which I always have fun doing). If you send it to the project, you can take a tax deduction as soon as we get our official non-profit status from the IRS (already …
So today I'm wearing a Dividends maternity dress that gives my belly plenty of room (see yesterday's problem with pants). Trouble is, now my belly has lots of room. Without the squish factor, I don't feel GB moving around as much (if at all). gah! This is too hard!
I found the distinct imprint of my pants button on my belly when I was in the bathroom a few minutes ago. (And if I were a better blogger I would give you a photo...but I'm not...thank your lucky stars.) I think it's time to look for some bigger work pants.
I just had a nice long talk with the "new" coworker in my office (I'll call her NC). She's been here over a year and I still learned something about her today that I didn't know.
NC has a three year old daughter who is absolutely precious. Perfect in every way...including her little attitude. When NC was six months pregnant, she was told that her baby had a one-vessel cord that was probably an indicator of Down's syndrome. She was advised to have an amnio and she consented. The amnio confirmed Down's syndrome. Yes, remember that bit up there where I said that she is PERFECT in every way...including her little attitude. She does NOT have Down's syndrome. She is healthy except for a small digestive system deformity that was corrected by surgery earlier this year.
Now HOW does that happen? NC says she suspects someone screwed up the test results somewhere. She says she feels bad because she is certain there is some mother out there who was expecting a he…
My house is filled with chachkies...crap, if you ask Steve. And while much of it has not seen the light of day since the great house renovation of 2006, it still lurks in boxes all around the house, singing the siren call of old habits to me...begging me to place them out on every available flat surface. I have, so far, resisted the urge. But I am left wondering what I am to do with all the boxes of...well...crap.
See, I have this problem. I attach emotional meaning to every single gift ever given to me. My memories are intricately tied to the items that sit on the mantle and the bookshelf and the coffee table and...et cetera...et cetera...et cetera.
There's the spun glass heart on the musical mirrored stand that was given to me by an eccentric friend of my mothers at my bridal shower. For the life of us, we can't even remember how she got invited in the first place. So that always makes me smile.
There's the charming white wicker garden tricycle that I'm sure was once u…
I watched a very touching short movie about the production of steel...from charcoal...from rainforest lumber. It was fair in that it recognized the balancing act between the needs of the humans who rely on the production of these things for their lives (not livelihood...LIVES). It made me think.
It was followed by a commercial for the Infinity Razor...made with the same "carbon-injected steel technology used to make the sharpest knives."
Now, I'm no expert in these things, but a clean-shaven anything seems a small price to pay to help save our planet.
Way to go Universal HD! Great product placement! ------------------------------------- Enrique Iglesias was just molested by some blond guy wearing red in the front row at the Hamburg show. The guy was seriously caressing him all over...stomach...thighs...butt. Not surprisingly, when they showed the front row again just shortly after, the blond guy wearing red was no longer in the front row. ------------------------------------…
Fifth Disease apparently doesn't always carry the long-term immunity that doctors once thought it did, said Joliet pediatrician Dr. Paul Aschinberg at Provena Saint Joseph Medical Center and Silver Cross Hospital, both in Joliet.The Herald News
Appointment went fine. Gummy bear is still alive. Steve asked if it was too early to determine gender and I said, "Hey, don't be so impatient. It's still alive...that's enough for now." Big ultrasound scheduled for the 26th (not really looking forward to it for historical reasons).
Really. To everyone who has emailed and inquired, I am fine. I'm just not in a posting mood right now. I know it's odd, since I have posted pretty much every day for the last 2+ years, but I'm just no good at it right now. My friends' baby is having his heart procedure tomorrow and my other friend is having brain surgery on Friday. I can't or won't be reminded that bad things happen to good people...and being here reminds me...in spades. Call me naive or stupid. Whatever. I just can't deal with it right now.
What's been going on with us?
Last weekend we went to the Cleveland Grand Prix. Sam loved the race cars. I have many pictures to upload.
This past Saturday, I took Sam to his very first garage sale(s). After wrestling with the concept of shopping in other peoples' garages, he fell right into the routine and scored himself some fun toys. All in all, it wasn't bad entertainment for a total cost of $3.