Monday, December 01, 2014

Closed up shop

It seems like the only way for me to visit "those days" is to read something written by someone else. And so I don't...but I want to.

I selfishly closed up this blog because I can't stand the thought of anyone else joining my circle. Not out of any concern for them...but for me. Selfish. That makes me one of the people who can't or won't understand...can't or won't lend support. And that makes me ashamed.

Even more shameful, I don't want potential clients stumbling upon my blog and reading my truth. They are young and in love and starting out on a path where nothing bad will likely happen to them for a while. I don't want to scare them off of my photography. I need to hide. And that makes me sad.

I wish I could say that everything has made me a better person. But in a lot of ways, I'm a worse person. I am self-involved. Very self-involved. I'm less likely to give a crap. I'm less likely to be "present" or "involved." And that disgusts me. 

My friends live in my computer. We joke about it. But it's not a joke. I feel lonely. And that makes me bitter and angry. What is so wrong with me? The problem is, I already know the answer to that. 

I want to revisit "those days" when, where, and how I want to. I want to read and write and cry at my keyboard. I resent that doing so makes me feel guilty. I resent that I can't focus on myself without feeling shame. I resent that I have to shut the door and hide. I resent that everything seems to have more meaning than it should. 

I just want to truly feel happy again.