Posts

Showing posts from April, 2007

Freak out #2

OK…so I set up my next appointment for Tuesday, May 8th…two weeks from my last appointment. But now I have two things on my mind. First, May 8th is the anniversary of Travis’ stillbirth and I’m not sure I should tempt fate on that day. And second, quite honestly, I am not sure I can wait until then.

On the one hand I feel like there really is no reason to move my appointment and I’m just being silly. On the other, I feel like curling up in a ball and crying when I think about it.

What do you think?

BTW...this is freak out #2 because freak out #1 is my ongoing obsession that this is an ectopic pregnancy. No, no bleeding. Yes, abdominal pain...but that can easily be attributed to my pulling a muscle when I rolled over in bed to reach for my glasses on the table. Nonetheless...you can not reason with an insane mind.

Thank you Kathy!

Image
She is lovely and I know just where she will live...as soon as I get the living room put together. :o)

Thank you mb!

Image
First, let me say thank you directly to mb, who sent me this incredibly lovely gift. I cried. I'm still crying. But not because I am sad (here is where I get sappy...are you ready?)...

When Alex died, I thought there would never again be any beauty in my life regarding him. I thought that whenever I thought of my sweet boy, I would think of the pain and sadness...and nothing else. But slowly, a chorus of voices rose up to lift my spirit. People I didn't know shared my pain and made it ever-so-slightly easier to bear. Comments, cards, emails and gifts came in from literally around the world.

Then when Travis died, I knew that you would be here to lift my spirit again. I knew you all would cry with me and laugh with me and rant at the unfairness of it all with me. You became my friends.

You have all helped me to find the beauty in remembering my boys. All of you. Those of you who preceded me on this path...who offered a hand to help me along my way...And those of you who followed…

More from Galapagos!

Image
And the email portion...
We are not allowed to touch any of the animals, unless we want to spend time in an Ecuadorian prison. But we do get very close. The sea lions are especially curious and will come up to have a sniff of you. It is very cool.

Miscellaneous thoughts

---------------------------------
Thank you to everyone who responded so kindly to our "big news," both here and via email. We appreciate all of your kind thoughts (and prayers). We truly appreciate your love and support. We wish we could promise you a happy ending...but we'll all just have to wait and see.
---------------------------------
My nerves are going to kill me.
---------------------------------
Mexican food = bad idea
---------------------------------
My walk in to the office leads me right past the Sheriff's department parking area. This morning I walked past a K9 unit, where three large deputies stood around the back window making baby noises to the dog in the back seat. It was ADORABLE!
---------------------------------
My imagination is going to kill me. I pulled a muscle on the right side of my abdomen while turning over in bed to reach for the remote on the bedside table. It hurt. A lot. Two days later I have talked myself into an ectopic pregnancy.

HELP!
-----…

Crash

When I was 18 years old, I wasn't paying attention while driving and I crashed my parents' van into a cruck (car with a truck bed) that was sitting on the side of the road. I was hysterical. Crying and wailing and just generally making a scene. People kept asking me if I was hurt and I kept telling them I wasn't...but all I could think was how I had let my parents down...how my Dad was going to kill me. I think the police officer was even concerned I came from an abusive home because he asked me, "Are you afraid of your father?" Thinking back now, it's kind of funny, actually.

My father was awesome and only asked if I was hurt. He never said a word about disappointment or anger or anything. But still, I had nightmares of all the horrible things that could have happened. My sister had been sitting in the passenger seat and it was her side of the van that got smashed ($4500 worth of smashed). I refused to drive until my mom had finally had enough of carting my …

I am going to have to set my DVR

I have an interest in this program from both my television and my legal educational backgrounds. I also have an interest in this program because I have been scratching my head and saying, "Huh?" for a few years now.

Former CNN president Walter Isaacson tells Moyers: "One of the great pressures we're facing in journalism now is, it's a lot cheaper to hire thumb-suckers and pundits and have talk shows on the air than actually have bureaus and reporters."

Journalism is dead. Logic is dead. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

I needed what they couldn't give

I have recently been on a not-so-fun trip down memory lane. Though I have really tried hard not to 'dwell,' I guess it's inevitable, given the time of year and the hilarity these sorts of 'anniversaries' bring with them. I was also recently asked about what I "can't stand" (other than the obvious) about my particular situation having lost two babies. At first it was all too easy to lash out and find fault. I could list a zillion things other people have said, done, not said, or not done, that have driven me mad with anger, frustration, and disappointment. But there has always been this nagging feeling that that wasn't what actually bothered me.

Today I took some time to reconnect with some old friends. And what I discovered was this...it is ME that I can't stand. I can not stand that I spend all my time on edge...waiting to be hurt or sad or defensive...anticipating the next careless comment or insensitive remark. Quite simply, I don't trus…

Straight from Galapagos!

Image
A peek in on my sister's vacation (I love the internet)!


Seen on a bumper sticker

It's not gun control--It's people control

(Right next to a bumper sticker of the confederate flag.)

Steve : Yep, you're an idiot and that's why I want to control you.

What does it take?

As the big one and two year anniversaries approach, I've been revisiting previous posts and thoughts. One of the big things that I wanted to know was HOW to heal. Obviously, nobody could have told me at the time exactly how I should proceed in order to feel better. But now, looking back on it, I can see some answers to my questions...what helped...how do you just go on...what does it take to feel better...

The passage of time. For me, it took four months to stop crying every day...six months to "feel better"...almost a year to feel as if this was a part of my life but not my whole life. I still have moments where it seemingly swallows me whole, but those are getting fewer and farther apart.

Distraction. Ripping off part of your house and putting it back together gives you something else to concentrate on. All the details that need to be taken care of so that the project stays on track. They say not to make any big decisions while grieving, but I think I disagree. When we l…

Stillbirth study

New Virus Found in Stillborn Babies

Thanks for the heads-up Ruby

Miscellaneous Thoughts

-----------------------------------
I don't understand espadrilles.
-----------------------------------
I could blog about the Supreme Court's decision upholding the federal partial-birth abortion ban. But I'm afraid it would end in a rant about how well-meaning individuals spread false information and make the entire women's movement look like it is run by a bunch of idiots. If you don't know what you're talking about then...oh never mind. Steve already heard the speech so I will refrain from being repetitive.
-----------------------------------
I will also refrain from blogging about the Virginia Tech shootings because I'm not an expert...I don't know anyone affected...and I'm horrified at the use of this tragedy for ratings/readership. All I will say is that I am sad that one human being could do this to another human being. I am also sad that horrors like this occur every single day in places all around our world. Places where it has become just a sa…

Heaven

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

Th…

Quick

I need breakfast recipes for a dish that is easy to make at home and bring to the office in the morning (tomorrow)!

***Great suggestions...Thanks! I'm actually kind of going the way of Fruit Loops. Frozen Belgian waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream.***

Welcome to the world Kian Derek!!!

My dear dear friend, H (who reads and comments here), gave birth to her beautiful baby boy this morning (and I do mean BEAUTIFUL...I wish I could show you the pictures).

Email from the proud daddy proclaims...

The new mutant clocked in at 10:59 am at 8 pounds, 8 ounces and 20 inches long.

Congratulations my friends! We are so very happy for you!

It gets old

Do you ever tire of telling everyone all the details of your reproductive life? It's not as simple as, "I have one child, Samuel, who will be five years old at the end of May." There's so much more to my story. Sometimes I wish I could just print out little cards with our profiles on them and hand them out to anybody we might need to explain to. Kind of like business cards. Heh. I bet THAT would be a real conversation stopper.

Maybe he's not so nutty after all

Image
Found at kucinich.us today...

Across the pond

-go to google.com

-click on maps

-click on get directions

-from new york,new york to (end address)paris,france

-read line #23

Little moments

There are little moments I hope to never forget. So many of these moments are insignificant to anyone outside of our little green house in the country. But I want to remember them. Yet I know that as time passes these little memories will fade away into the past like mist in the morning. The joy of our snuggle before bed, laughing at the silliness of Charlie & Lola cartoons. The sound of excitement in Sam's voice as he describes, in great detail, the food he will serve and the games we will play at our picnic this summer. The light in his eyes as he dances around me, chattering about all the rides he plans to ride at the local festival this coming weekend.

I can not, for the life of me, put into words that feeling I get when I hear his voice. It permeates every single cell of my body. I love him with all of my soul. And I hope he will remember the little moments with the same love. I hope that I can make enough little moments for him so that he will look back and say that his …

Phone conversations with a four year old

-----------------
Steve: Sam, do you wanna talk to mommy?
Sam: No
------------------
Steve: Sam, do you wanna talk to mommy?
Sam: Yeah. Mommy...wait a second till I swallow my candy.

Sam: OK...I swallowed my candy. Things are going good here, mommy. The cable guy gave us a new DVR and new remote controls with colors on the rewind and fast forward buttons. When you get home you'll have to check them out.
------------------

Seriously?!?!

There is a time and a place for everything...someone should teach the President's spokespeople that.

"The president believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed," spokeswoman Dana Perino said.

Parents are going to have to claim the bodies of their children and this dimwit is talking about the right to bear arms?!?! Heaven help us all.

Kindergarten registration

Steve and Sam picked up Sam's kindergarten registration packet today. As if I wasn't ready for this before, the packet includes an information release for any colleges that we may want to have access to his information. From kindergarten to college in one giant leap. Excuse me while I go look at Sam's baby pictures...

Taking a beating

Quite literally, this weekend, I have been beaten about the head and shoulders. Saturday afternoon, the dogs, in all their tail-wagging excitement, knocked me head first into the corner of the refrigerator door (left side of my forehead). Saturday evening, the child, in all his best temper tantrum throwing, accidentally head butted me over the choice of television programming (right side of my forehead). Sunday, while painting the living room (yes, there is still work to be done), I stood up on the ladder and smacked my head right into...the steel beam. So now it is Monday morning, I have a headache, and I have to go to court today.

But hey, reportedly the high definition television service is being installed this morning (now I'll never get those boys out from in front of the television).

Only child

He carries his dumptruck/digger out to his sandbox by himself.

All alone, he lifts the lid and moves the cars around in the sand.

I can see him from the living room window and I ache with the unfairness of it all.

People think they know who I should be...how I should feel...how tragedy should shape my character and my life.

But what of this? what of him?

He is an only child not by anyone's choice.

No matter what happens to me...my feelings...my character or my life...

We can only be so much for him.

He will be alone.

My thoughts on Don Imus

Don Imus has a First Amendment right to stand on a street corner and say whatever he wants.

Don Imus does NOT have a First Amendment right to use public airwaves to broadcast his trash.

Ha! I DID learn something in Constitutional Law even if I didn't enjoy law school!

hehehe...I'm such a b!tch

Caller: Hello, this is Jennifer from XYZ University. I'm calling because we're putting out our annual alumni directory and I wanted to verify your information and tell you a little bit about the book.

Me: I didn't attend XYZ University except for law school, so I don't think I'm interested.

Caller: Well, ok, then let me tell you about the directory. It's a wonderful book of memories. You can maybe look up old friends you remember and it's a great tool for networking for business.

Me: I really didn't enjoy law school all that much so I'm definitely not your gal.

Caller: Oh...uh...ok...you have a great evening.

Me: You too.

hehehe

Friday the 13th miscellaneous thoughts

------------------------------
Steve and I were married on August 13th, so I'm not too afraid of Friday the 13th. As Steve said last night, "What's it gonna do, bring us bad luck?" I love that man!
------------------------------
I haven't felt much like writing this week because I've been PMSing. Too much information? Too bad. See? Attitude...doesn't make for interesting blog posts.

In fact, this blog makes me sound very angry when I'm actually not. I'm mostly sad. I use anger to fight off the sad. I can use righteous indignation to feel a sense of control. But really it's just sadness.

I've lost track of all the things that make me cry. I should make a list. Maybe next week.

Part of me wishes I could be the crusader. Part of me wants to make things better. But my heart is too raw to risk deliberately exposing it to those who would be callous or critical. So I hide and weep. I wonder if I will ever be strong...committed...focused. Those storie…

That Stephanie--she's a good egg!

Image
My very sweet friend, Stephanie, sent me this little charm. Steph says the charm made her think of me and my grandma.

Thank you so much my friend!

What do you think?

Image
Could I talk Steve into buying me Waterford crystal?
Image

Major League

I never imagined I would say this...but thank you Milwaukee.

From the San Francisco Chronicle

This is what I'm talking about

It's not that I'm expecting people to go out of their way to soften the blows to my fragile emotional state...but is it to much to think that maybe SOMEBODY would take the time to make the extra effort?

How I found out about a coworkers pregnancy...

Yesterday at lunch..."C is so tired...you know...that early pregnancy tired..."

Frick! Frack! Fruck! Are you kidding me?!?!

Thankfully C works in the other office in the other building, so I rarely see her. But really...do people not have any empathy? Is it too much to ask that someone says, "Just so you're not blindsided by it...C is pregnant?" Or am I just being too sensitive?

No...don't answer that. I don't really want to know.

And I thought May was going to be easy.

HA!

***next day addition to this story***
All the ladies in THIS office...in THIS building...are standing in the hallway just down from my office, talking about C's food aversions. What IS it with women? They don't even know her that w…

Don Imus was very wrong...but THIS is funny

(sound necessary for links)

The Rutgers women's basketball coach said, "We had to experience racist and sexist remarks that are deplorable, despicable, and abominable...and unconscionable."

Why do I have visions of Daffy Duck?

She may as well have said this.

Actually this is pretty accurate for this situation as well.

And having found this treasure trove of soundbites...this one is priceless.

Or maybe it's just me.

(This is not a comment on the actual situation...just a strange place my mind went while watching the news tonight.)

Keep it cool

So now I have hives...everywhere. Yay me!

Do you know how you treat hives? By making yourself cold...making your skin cold.

So here it is, 8 degrees outside (Celsius), and I'm sitting in my bedroom wearing shorts and a tank top, with a fan blowing on me. My fingers are like little icicles and I'm starting to get goosebumps. But it's better than hives. Definitely less itchy.

Mind tricks

I walk around every day with a sense that I've forgotten something very important...something I shouldn't forget. In the morning, I double and triple check my clothing to be sure I'm wearing underwear and all the proper outer attire. At work, my compulsion to check my calendar has become borderline obsessive. There is this feeling that I've missed a court appearance or something equally important.

When I return home in the afternoon from work, I inspect each room even though I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for. I feed the horses and walk the dogs and it's all such a normal routine. But there is something missing. Did I leave the door open? Did I forget my purse in the car? Is there food for dinner?

When I lie in bed at night, I run through a checklist of things I was supposed to do during the day and everything seems to be in order. Occasionally, I will ask Steve, "Did you feed the cats?" or "Did you lock the doors?" But I try to …

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

that time of year...the ticking time bomb of May...

I don't feel it.
I feel...good...which makes me nervous.

Driving past the cemetery last night and thinking, "I didn't get up there today." Realizing I hadn't thought about THEM for a few days.

It all feels more like an IT...an event...their deaths...more than THEM...two precious little boys. It even feels weird to type "two precious little boys."

The healing gift of time that steals something from your heart. Dead and buried with those two precious little boys. (It feels less weird each time I type it. So maybe the key is to not type it?)

It's all about babies...dead babies...due babies...born babies...living babies...mine...not mine.

I have no baby. I have an almost five-year-old who needs me to pick up his kindergarten registration packet and not dwell on who was missing from our Easter celebration...who has been missing for eleven months...plus a year.

Resurrection is something to hang onto out of my …

Kids today

Image
Sam: Grandpa is watching golf, so I can't watch my DVD.

Me: I'll tell you what, how about you and me play a game instead?

Sam: You mean on their computer?

Me: No...a game...where we sit and play together.

Sam: (blank stare)

Me: Like Moose in the House or Go Fish that we play at home.

Sam: OH! OK!

Me: (oy!)

Unfortunately, the Mr. Mouth game had the remnants of an exploded battery inside it (which seems to have burned a spot on my thumb on my right hand) and was nonfunctional as far as the automation. We did have a grand time flinging the chips into the open mouth anyway. But it has made me realize that maybe it's time to invest in some games and maybe start a game night. Friday night games and movies, I think. I have definitely decided to hunt down a functional Mr. Mouth game...I LOVE that game! And Hungry Hungry Hippos. But I'm not sure what else. So tell me...what are your favorite games to play (with a five year old)?

Happy Easter

Image
May peace be with you.

Finished projects

Image
A baby blanket for a friend's baby. I love brown and blue together. It's a little more "southwest" than I like...but it's soft and squishy, so I hope nobody minds.



Baby blue...I may just have to make booties to match.

Why I Love Firefox

I just crashed firefox and had to restart it. And you know what it did? It gave me an option to start again from where I left off when the program crashed! Amazing! I could have kissed the computer screen...I just clicked on the box and it took me right back to the blog I was reading!

And tabbed browsing! Who is the genius who thought this up? I want to send them flowers or chocolate or something to show my undying devotion.

A voluntary recall

So why does it not make me feel better to know that the dog biscuits I've been feeding my dogs are being voluntary recalled "as a precautionary measure?"

miscellaneous thoughts

Image
-----------------------------------------
Dear company: I signed up to be a mystery shopper for you. I filled in SEVERAL application forms so you could "approve" me. My name is CATHERINE. My email goes to Kate94651. I am not, nor will I ever be, a male shopper who can shop a men's retail clothing store. But thank you anyway for asking again and again and again.
-----------------------------------------
It's -3 degrees celsius and snowing outside and I have poison ivy in the inner part of my left elbow. And I think I've developed some sort of infection to go along with it. It itches and it hurts...which makes knitting and crocheting very uncomfortable. wah! But I'm still trying anyway...gotta have my stitching fix! I am currently knitting (yes, I'm trying knitting again) a muppet. It's actually a scarf made from Bernat boa yarn...but it really reminds me of fuzzy floppy muppet legs.
-----------------------------------------
Is it worth paying $30 for a sh…

Real people...just like us

If you're a fan of General Hospital, you should remember Chad Brannon, who played Zander Smith (2000-2004). He and his wife, Carly, were expecting their first child on their one-year wedding anniversary, May 28th. They recently released this statement...

"Carly and I lost our baby girl. She passed away on Feb. 23 and it was pretty rough, but the Lord's been gracious to teach us a lot and grow us in our relationship and dependence on Him and in each other. We would appreciate your prayers."

***To the anonymous commenter: I am so sorry to hear of your loss. And if you speak to Chad and Carly Brannon, please extend my heartfelt sympathies. This sort of thing knows no boundaries...it is an equal-opportunity destroyer of dreams. I hope that they (and you) are able to find peace and healing along your path of life. And please feel free to drop by here anytime. I'm working out my own grief, but it's always nice to know I am not alone on this journey.***

Roots and blooms

Grandma would've been proud of me. There I was in the snow and freezing wind, wearing my summer sandals, flannel pajama pants and my husband's quilted flannel barn shirt, clipping daffodils and putting them into a vase. After all, the snow would kill the blooms and that seemed like an awful waste. Steve really should have taken a picture of me...my family would have gotten a really good chuckle from it.

There are days when I wonder who I am...where I come from...where I am headed. And then I find myself in the middle of a scene like the one described above (and laughing maniacally), and I KNOW exactly who I am...where I come from...where I am headed.

This probably doesn't make sense to you if you weren't there to witness my complete shock at seeing my reflection in the grocery store window. Unhappy fat old woman wearing a frumpy suit...The lines on my face that map out the sadness I've felt for the last two years....The eyes that hold a look I can not adequately des…

Score one for the good guys!

Yes!

A dog auction scheduled to debut in Geauga County this month has been called off, and the controversial sale appears to be moving elsewhere in the state.

One of the Amish men who tried to buy and relocate the auction to the Middlefield area would not discuss what prompted the change. The first sale had been set for April 21 at a building along Newcomb Road.

"It's over," said John Henry Byler, a co-owner of Bylerville Enterprises LLC. "Just forget about it."

The auction has served as a rallying point for animal advocates intent on shutting down what they term "puppy mills," cruel and inhumane operations where caged dogs churn out litters year after year. Activists regularly gathered outside the auction in Holmes.

The promise of similar protests in Geauga unnerved county officials, as well as members of the local Amish community, who said they did not want to court problems or negative attention.

Where the auction will end up is unclear.

The new buyer …

As if life wasn't fun enough

There is more bad news.

Time out

Sam got a time out at preschool yesterday for saying, "Shut the damn door." Some days that kid just cracks me up and I find it very hard to put on my stern mommy face.

Yeah, so I'm not going to win any mother of the year contests. So what?

Valuable email

Sometimes I find value in the oddest things. I feel like I should share it so that other people might find value in it too. There ARE a lot of "bad" things people say...but there are also a lot of VERY NICE things that people say.

---------------------------------------------

Karen:

I recently stumbled across your listing on Lion Brand Yarn's web listing of charities and would very much like to help out. I have been sewing charity items for an online group (All Crafts for Charity on Yahoo groups), but would very much like to do something more local. Can you tell me how I would get involved with your group? Do you have patterns that you require be used? How do you collect items that have been made? Would I have to attend meetings or something like that? I'd really appreciate any information you can give me.

Thank you.

Keep smilin'
Catherine

---------------------------------------------

Good afternoon Catherine,

YES! to your questions ~ smile~ - we'd love to have you h…

Why Oprah?

I was a Communications major in college. I specialized in television production. Maybe that is why this whole Oprah thing perplexes me so much.

Why is the loss community so obsessed with getting to be on the Oprah show? And why, when someone like Rev Run does get on the Oprah show, does the loss community pick it apart piece by piece?

I did not see the show yesterday...and I am glad I didn't, from all accounts. Rev Run and his family apparently have a different way of dealing with things than I do. But in reading the post-mortem on this show on other blogs and message boards, I find that there are two points that seem to cause people the most irritation...

First...the family never uses the dead child's name. I think that is sad...but if that is their way of coping then they need to be left alone to do what works for their family. Some people choose not to see their babies. Some people choose not to hold their babies. Some people choose cremation...some burial. It all comes down t…

Cosmic joke?

As if there is nothing better for women to do in the spring but gestate...
As if EVERY service person who helps me isn't 50 months pregnant...
As if there aren't even TWO pregnant girls in the bathroom at Target...
As if a friend isn't due any day now...
As if another friend didn't just send me the links to the slide shows of the only pictures she will ever have of her much-loved daughter...

Walking out of JoAnn Fabrics to my empty minivan today, what should I see?
A family of NINE children...all dressed in homemade clothing...the youngest in a carrier strapped to his mama's breast.

NINE!

I counted them.

NINE!

I'm laughing. Really.

Hey Steve...wanna write a check?

Tribune plans to sell Chicago Cubs

Oh yeah...and...GO METS!

Lesson learned

Note to self : Get up earlier so you can have a full cup of coffee before arguing an appeal. You sound like an idiot otherwise.

When modeling clay goes bad

Image

Man logic

Sam: How can it be raining and the sun be shining so beautiful at the same time?

Steve: It's kind of like how we can watch hockey and baseball at the same time...like picture in picture.

Sam: OH! OK!