Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Mind tricks

I walk around every day with a sense that I've forgotten something very important...something I shouldn't forget. In the morning, I double and triple check my clothing to be sure I'm wearing underwear and all the proper outer attire. At work, my compulsion to check my calendar has become borderline obsessive. There is this feeling that I've missed a court appearance or something equally important.

When I return home in the afternoon from work, I inspect each room even though I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for. I feed the horses and walk the dogs and it's all such a normal routine. But there is something missing. Did I leave the door open? Did I forget my purse in the car? Is there food for dinner?

When I lie in bed at night, I run through a checklist of things I was supposed to do during the day and everything seems to be in order. Occasionally, I will ask Steve, "Did you feed the cats?" or "Did you lock the doors?" But I try to keep my questions at a minimum because I don't want to sound like a total nut.

I'm not sure if this is a grief reaction or if the synapses are finally firing in my brain after three pregnancies. I always thought I would "wake up" from "pregnancy brain" feeling more together...not less. Maybe pregnancy hormones are what held me together all this time and now that they are dissipated in my body I'm going to fall apart altogether. I suppose I could understand if it were a grief reaction...I mean, something IS missing. So that specific loss is translating into a generalized sense of loss. And even on a subconscious level, I've still got to try to figure it out and fix it.

Excuse me now...I have to go check my calendar for the third time this morning...even though I know I haven't scheduled anything at all for this week and the pages are blank.


Aurelia said...

You are looking for something. This makes sense. Sad sense, but sense.

Kathy McC said...

It makes total sense. And I wish I had a solution for you (short of OCD drugs which I am on for my own obsessive worrying). You know you're not alone in this, but I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you and letting you know that you're not a nut.

niobe said...

I really do forget things. Lots of things.

But for you -- is this something totally new? Or a way that you've reacted to stress or grief in the past?

runelady said...

Umm, darling daughter, I beleive you're having a bona fide anxiety attack - extended, sort of. I went through this period - only most of the time I dreamed of missing a class at college - when you went away to university. Love ya - mom