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Showing posts from November, 2007

Miscellaneous thoughts

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I actually spent half an hour scouring internet dictionaries and thesauruses for kindergarten "n" word homework because the only word I could come up with on my own was "nipple"...and I didn't figure the teacher would like that. But given my personal opinion of the teacher, I was really tempted.
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Added to the list of things I never thought I would say...
"Keep the anteater out of your mouth."
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I'm really excited to get our first family portrait. But I'm embarrassed (and sad) that we didn't even try to find a way to incorporate Alex and Travis. It's just never easy.
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There was a second when Steve presented Myles to me in the operating room when I thought he looked (too much) like Alex. Even now, I see the occasional similarity. But I do not have the urge to call him Alex...which is a relief. I …

Merry Freaking Christmas

"Be quiet. Don't talk. We're going to go and have our picture taken and at least PRETEND like we're a happy family...even if we can't stand one another."

Yeah...so the adjusting is going REALLY well.

I told you she was full of it

So I can't drive for two weeks and Steve has to do kindergarten drop-off and pick-up.

Wanna guess how it went yesterday?

Drop-off...he walked Sam into school and left him standing in the hall outside his classroom. Something we were specifically told was a no-no...all children are to wait in the gym. Did anyone scold him?

Pick-up...he went to the gym and Sam wasn't there. An unidentified woman approached him and asked him if he was there to pick someone up. He said he was there for his son, Sam, a kindergarten student. The lady told him to check in Sam's classroom. And he found Sam WAITING IN THE CLASSROOM for him.

THE.CLASSROOM!

NOT.THE.GYM!

After all that grief over waiting IN.THE.FREAKING.GYM.

AND Steve was told that the pick-up time has been moved up to try to get the kids out of school before the buses arrive for the bus-riding students. Apparently they are trying out a "new system."

Yeah.

Without telling anyone.

I swear this school is TRYING to make me crazy.

One week...and some thank yous

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Myles is one week old today. My God, I can't even believe our lives have been blessed by this little creature we (Sam and I...we're still working on Steve) have affectionately nicknamed the Squeaker because he makes the most adorable squeaky noises when he wants attention. Every minute that passes brings more peace to this house. There are still adjustments to be made, but I think they are going about as well as they can.

Myles weighed in at the doctor today at 6lbs 12.5ozs. The doctor confirmed our suspicions that something "isn't right" about the hospital's claim that Myles lost over a pound since birth (it was actually overnight, but I guess they didn't think I was paying that much attention). "Babies that lose that much just don't look as good as he does...you expect them to be...floppy...sickly." In my rather frazzled state at the hospital, I do remember one nurse telling us that it could POSSIBLY have something to do with the fact that …

...and exhale

We came home yesterday and I have been walking around in a daze ever since. It's like I walked away from one life so long ago...and now I'm supposed to walk back into it as if no time has passed. The house feels like it belongs to someone else (though the dirty dishes are still clearly mine). I told Steve it's almost like living in a snow globe. Two years ago my life was shaken up and all the pieces flew around without rhyme or reason. Now we're supposed to pick up our previous life...only nothing is where we left it.

I was so excited to leave the hospital. I moved quickly...packing up every single thing in under an hour (no small feat for a woman who just had major surgery and can't even cough without causing incredible pain). And then we were all in the van...ready to go. And I said, "Take me home...take US home," and started to cry. In the deepest, darkest parts of my heart, I didn't expect this day to come. I was so used to the pieces of my life fl…

I wish I had my camera ready

Projectile green poop on your husband (and your husband's reaction) is always funny.

Sadly, the camera was not at the ready and I missed the photo opportunity.

Not without my baby

I'm living in a bad made-for-tv movie.

Prematurity.
"Questionable" lung development (turned out to be nothing...grrr!)
"Questionable" weight loss (if you're not feeding him anything...DUH!)
"Questionable" billirubin levels (again...gotta FEED him!)

I've done it before. I'm not doing it again. I am NOT leaving this hospital without my baby in my arms.

Another day. Again. Only now I can be discharged. So even though I'm not leaving without him (insurance will pay for one last day so I'm taking it), there is some disappointment and guilt.

My body is generally a failure at the pregnancy thing. And it is apparently not interested in compensating for that shortfall by making any grand post-partum achievements. So, Myles is held hostage while I talk to my boobs and try to convince them to produce enough milk to sustain him. And I try to make people understand why I feel so strongly about this (without creating the impression that I am just a we…

post-partum emotions

There is so much to say. So many thoughts and emotions swirling around like the first gentle snowfall of the season outside my hospital room window.

I was so scared that he wouldn't make it out into the world alive. But that was easy compared to what came next...and what continues to come.

I faced the very real possibility that fear would dictate my decisions...that I would ultimately hurt him out in this world anyway. I didn't want that responsibility. Luckily, I trusted my doctor with everything in me and I felt reasonably safe in allowing him, and his associates, to make the decision that early delivery was the best idea. In this, I was mercifully granted a reprieve from responsibility. I was allowed to be swept along in my fear...leaving them with their expertise at the helm of my ship. I have never felt more cowardly or more unsure. I feel guilty about that.

But that was just the beginning. How strange...to have that first time mom feeling even though I have some experience…

Smiles

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So beautiful

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Baby Myles Update

Hi Everyone, this is Cathy's husband Stephen. I am proud to announce that Myles Fisher entered the world this afternoon at 3:51 PM He weighed 7 pounds 15 ounces. He was 19 and 3/4 inches long. He and mom seem to be doing well. Unfortunately he is in the "special care" nursery due to some breathing issues. The Doctors believe that he has some fluid in his lungs, and hope that his breathing will clear up on its own in the next few days.

Inevitability

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So yesterday I said to Steve, "Just think, this time next week we could conceivably be holding a new baby."

He replied, "It's inevitable at this point...undeniable."

I laughed sarcastically and said, "Nothing is inevitable with me."

And because sick humor is alive and well in our house, Steve snorted, "Well, either way, we'll get to hold him.
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The crib is moved into our room.
We bought a glider and assembled it and placed it in our room.
The diaper stacker is stacked with diapers.
The "coming home outfit" is washed and dried.
The burp cloths are stored for easy access.
All the necessities are in place.
Myles has his Christmas ornament for the tree.
Hope is here and I think she's here to stay.
Fear is also here...but I beat him into submission in a corner every so often.
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It's never good news when the OB calls you hims…

Working at home

My, but Market Day Florentine Stuffed Chicken is yummy...for breakfast.

Does the cat always cruise the countertops when we're not home?

Decent coffee...that is not Hazelnut...can make a day better...even if you have to do the dishes first to get a clean mug and spoon. Which makes me wonder...WHY does she always choose Hazelnut? The flavor I like the least? Maybe she's sending me a message? She hates me, doesn't she?

This desk chair is just as uncomfortable as the one at my office.

I successfully dodged the inevitable five-year-old questions about saving my urine this morning. I wonder if I'll be able to avoid that conversation for the entire 24 hours? (the answer is no...I could not)

I'm supposed to be working. I want to be sewing. But my head hurts and I'm not doing either. Yes...NOW I have a headache...which makes me worry...which makes my headache worse...which makes me worry...you get the picture.

The headache necessitated my calling my husband home early from hi…

Parent-teacher...humiliation?

So I'm no expert on parent-teacher conferences. This was my first. But since I couldn't sleep at all last night due to my weekly pre-appointment freakout, I had some time to think about it and pinpoint exactly what bothered me...

I have never seen my son so humiliated in all five plus years of his life.

The notice said to bring our child with us. So we did. Immediately upon arriving in the classroom, the dog and pony show began. The teacher trotted out laminated cards with little tests of skill on them...I know how to count to ten...I know how to spell my name...I sit quietly and listen in class...[insert sound of tires screeching to a halt right here]...

"Sam has been making some poor choices in who to imitate in class. I have one little boy who has behavioral issues and, unfortunately, Sam is following his lead and imitating his behaviors. I would like it if you could work with him at home on making better choices regarding who to imitate."

Poor choices? Behavioral iss…

Gimme a PEE...!

As if I haven't been having enough fun, let's add a possible diagnosis of preeclampsia to the mix, shall we? There was protein in my urine (+1 for anyone that means anything to) and my blood pressure was high at first (first reading 130/90...second reading just about my normal at 120/70). They kept asking me if I've had any headaches or blurred vision and I told them no, not this week. Of course, now I have a whopper of one and I just want to go have a good cry.

Repeated the hemoglobin A1c today. Tomorrow I get to collect my urine for 24 hours. Tuesday (20th) I have another appointment scheduled. Sunday (25th) I have an amnio (at 8-freaking-o'clock) and a c/s scheduled if the amnio results prove satisfactory. It's just a matter of time before we pull the rip cord.

Myles is perfect. Biophysical profile score of 10 out of 10. I think it's clear that it's MY body that is falling apart...and I'm about done.

Any bets on when this will actually happen?

hee hee

I just realized I sent my son to school with pasta for his lunch...and no fork.

I just can't wait for parent-teacher conferences tonight.

Pressure

You have to learn to pace yourself
Pressure
You're just like everybody else
Pressure
You've only had to run so far
So good
But you will come to a place
Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face
And you'll have to deal with
Pressure

Everyone is so kind.

Supportive.

Loving.

And I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm back in that place where all the responsibility is mine. And it is a heavy burden. I don't want to let everyone down again but I have no real influence on the outcome.

I have a feeling like I should be able to DO something when there is nothing to be done. I know that it was during these two weeks when Alex was dying inside of me and I didn't know. I know that I don't know what is going on inside of me today.

People are waiting for Myles. So am I.
People are hoping for the best. So am I.
People have made an emotional investment. So have I.
Nobody can do a damn thing about any of it...

...neither can I.

I'm no different than anyone else in…

Television privileges restored

Is it a good or a bad thing when your child is writhing on the floor in front of the television singing, "TV...I love you...I love you so much..."?

After finding my son playing inappropriate computer games on a site I previously assumed to be family friendly, I invited Playstation2 into my home. I'm sure everyone expects me to complain about my husband and my son playing games too much...but that's not at all what I'm thinking. What am I thinking?

I will have something to do on my maternity leave! Yes!

Double wow

I told the office that I needed pizza for lunch today. So most of us, including the boss, went to the pizza place next door for our "regular." It was pleasant. We talked about my co-worker's baby shower (that I missed yesterday while sitting at the doctor's office...boo!). And then the boss said something that made my jaw drop...

He will be allowing co-worker to bring her baby to work with her for three months. Upon review at that time, provided it is working, he will allow co-worker to bring her baby to work with her for a total of six months. He told me that, in fairness, he plans to extend the same courtesy to me.

I'm sitting here smiling and crying.

Can you imagine?

Co-worker has, by all accounts, an incredibly easy-going baby. I'm not sure what I will end up with. Granted, Alex and Travis are very quiet and well-behaved (sorry...sick humor is all I've got), but Sam was a terror with the acid reflux and the screaming. I don't know that it will work f…

wow!

I have a title!

I'm honored to announce that at last night's Board of Directors meeting of the MOM Project, I was voted in as Bracelet Program Director.

I'm thrilled to be able to help the project in any way and consider it my privilege to hold an official position within the organization.

And yes, this means I will be hitting up all my blog readers for donations again in the near future.

Everybody's got one (or two) in their family

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This is almost as funny as the conversation overheard in the waiting room at the OB's office this morning where the expectant mom was on the cell phone trying to talk grandma through the process of operating the DVR on her digital cable. How do I know it was grandma? Because when the expectant mom hung up the phone to go in to the exam room area, I heard her mutter, "Dang, grandma, I swear..."

33w4d

Ultrasound:
Weight = 6lbs 8ozs
Measuring 35w5d
Fluid = good
Practice breathing movements seen
Kidneys & bladder appear to be functioning
Still think it's a boy

NST:
Reactive

Repeat next week

Note to self: Following your ultrasound, you must check in AGAIN with reception for the NST and regular doc appointment...when receptionist says, "You're all checked in," she doesn't really mean it and you will sit there for almost an hour falsely believing you are the next name to be called.

Cranky, sad, irritable, weepy...and hungry

~I just Googled "blog topic ideas" and still can't think of a thing to say.

~This morning I had a meltdown because my husband, who so kindly did a boatload of laundry yesterday, did not wash my pants for work. My insane brain turned it into something he did deliberately to hurt me. Yeah. So I'm loads of fun.

~While in the grocery store yesterday, I honestly thought that Thanksgiving was this week. I blame my mother for asking me if I wanted cheese potatoes or mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving dinner. My mind just can't plan that far in advance without attempting to speed up time. And really, cheese potatoes...now I can't think of anything else. But I was so far gone while in the store that I even bought supplies for my famous cheesecake dessert! Cheese potatoes...cheesecake...Thanksgiving...living baby. Let's get moving!

~I almost told my coworkers to shutup today as they debated the manufactured drama that has resulted from the planned baby shower for anothe…

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Our son tried to punch someone yesterday. Our son lied to his teacher about having a coat to wear yesterday. Our son (and his parents) are now dealing with no tv privileges for a week. Let the acting out begin. Fun times.
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I know that the character of baby's movement changes as there gets to be less room in there (that's why we count them and aren't asked to describe them). But it is disconcerting nonetheless. I keep thinking, what if there is another infection and he's getting sick? Of course, I have none of the symptoms I had with Alex, but I can't stop my overactive imagination from going there. And then that leads me to the invention of symptoms. I have all these bruises and lumps from the injections...so I worry about that...is it uterine tenderness due to infection? is it ligament or scar tissue stretching? is it just an elbow in a bruised spot?

I described it to my husband as the beginnin…

The road to super-mommyhood

So...yeah...the coffee can...

I forgot it was in the van this morning until I got to work (after dropping Sam off at school).

There was a moment when I considered just pretending I didn't see it and continuing on my merry way into work.

But then I imagined my son's face in class when everyone else brought out their coffee cans to work with.

Yes...in that moment I chose to continue limping down the path to super-mommyhood.

I turned around and drove BACK to the school and dropped off the damn coffee can.

I may never achieve super-mommy status...but I'm damn sure not going to give up this soon.