Sunday, November 25, 2007

...and exhale

We came home yesterday and I have been walking around in a daze ever since. It's like I walked away from one life so long ago...and now I'm supposed to walk back into it as if no time has passed. The house feels like it belongs to someone else (though the dirty dishes are still clearly mine). I told Steve it's almost like living in a snow globe. Two years ago my life was shaken up and all the pieces flew around without rhyme or reason. Now we're supposed to pick up our previous life...only nothing is where we left it.

I was so excited to leave the hospital. I moved quickly...packing up every single thing in under an hour (no small feat for a woman who just had major surgery and can't even cough without causing incredible pain). And then we were all in the van...ready to go. And I said, "Take me home...take US home," and started to cry. In the deepest, darkest parts of my heart, I didn't expect this day to come. I was so used to the pieces of my life flying around uncontrolled that I didn't think things would ever settle again.

I remember making that drive home twice before. Along that highway with its hills and rivers...beautiful fields and trees in May...warm and bright...everything full and green...and so terribly sad. I had lost hope. I thought I would never again see it realized. But as we drove home yesterday on a cold and rather dreary November day...with bare trees and the slightest ground-cover of snow...I felt hope spring to life within me. It seems odd that it should wait until the deal was done to make its presence known. But I suppose you can't force these things.

And so I had Steve pack up the doppler last night while I cleared space for diapers and wipes and a breastpump on my bedside table. I had every intention of packing it away myself, but the minute I picked it up, I couldn't move. I just sat there on the bedroom floor staring at that little piece of technological plastic in my hands and marveling at the fear resonating from it...as if it somehow retained my emotions during all those days and nights spent worrying. Just a few short days ago I held it to my belly and held my breath. But now the object of all that love and fear now sleeps sweetly in his crib at arm's length. I can exhale.

We drove home past the cemetery...and my eyes filled with tears I thought I had exhausted long ago. Sleep sweet, my boys. Two pieces of my heart in their beds and two pieces of my heart on that snow covered hill. Fear finally banished to someplace where it can not torture me with the same intensity (hopefully ever again). Love and joy and something akin to contentment again taking up residence in my soul.

There are things that seem to be in the wrong place. And I think there will always be things with which I cannot make peace. But there are also things that seem to be just where they should be. I just know that even though I didn't have control over much of it, I can still find happiness in it if I'm lucky.

27 comments:

MB said...

You said all the things I wish I had the words for. I am just so over the moon for you and your family. So many hugs and so much love...

M

Kendra's mom said...

{{{{BIG HUGS}}}} So happy for you.

Dana said...

lots and lots of love and hugs coming your way my friend. i love you and i am so incredibly happy for you.

BasilBean said...

I've been out of the loop over here, it has been difficult to keep up with blogs. I am beyond happy to check in on you and see that Myles is here, safe and sound. What a beautiful family! Big, big love from me to you!

Marcia said...

Catherine, I am just so very thrilled for you! I suspect that the peace and joy of the Christmas season will take on a whole new meaning for you this year. Bask in it, my dear...

Beruriah said...

Oh wow, Catherine. What a beautiful post. I am so, so happy for you.

Everyone Has a Story... said...

Enjoy!
So glad to hear that you are finally "on the other side"...
thinking good thoughts and enjoying your latest post, you deserve every happiness...lurker friend, Kim

Angel Mom said...

You described it perfectly. (((Hugs)))

three minute palaver said...

You deserve this. all of this. the love and the joy and the 'something' that's akin to contentment. You deserve it all and so much more. I am so happy to read you and Myles are safely home and hunkered down for winter and the holiday season. What a special Christmas this year will be for all of you. Much love and admiration. ~Clare

vixanne wigg said...

I am so happy for you, Catherine. I cannot tell you how devastated I was when I saw that Travis had died. I just didn't want to believe that life could be that unfair that you lost two babies and my heart just broke for you because I knew that pain and I did not want to imagine having to go through it not just once...but twice. And then I thought that you might give up, and I couldn't help but want that redemption for you...that happy ending that wouldn't necessarily make it all better, but it would help you heal. And I am so overjoyed for you that hopefully now that healing can begin.

Artblog said...

You brought tears to my eyes dear Catherine. I hope to be in the same place you are now, very soon :)

You do deserve, enjoy...

XXX

Bon said...

tears in my eyes, Catherine. this was beautiful and resonant, and for me...comforting. i am glad you've found your way...and i wish you so much happiness in all of it.

Sherri said...

your words in this post made my heart ache with yours. enjoy that sweet boy and the sense of peace and wonder his safe arrival brings.
i look forward to your posts about adjusting to the new baby in the house, and big brother adjusting to the new little guy, etc.
while i realize that Myles does not replace the brothers he has lost, i am so happy that he has brought with him a new sense of hope and joy for you.

niobe said...

I'm so happy for you and your family. It gives me hope that all the others who are lost will find their own paths to peace.

Monica said...

I can feel the pain in the joy you write about. It's like a lone instrument playing a sad tune almost drowned out by parade music. I too felt that way when I left the hospital.

Myles is beautiful and I'm glad you are home to stare at him for hours and hold him and smell him.

kate said...

Such a beautiful post...i am so glad you are home safely. Sending you lots of love...

neko said...

So very joyful for you guys. May you have a lot of days in a row that are just blissfully sleep deprived (hell... we can't wish for everything!) and new baby perfect.

Much love.

Shinny said...

I am so very happy that you are home and hopefully getting used to each other from the outside now. ;) So happy for you and I could tell from the pictures you are a bit happy as well. Hugs to the whole family.

msfitzita said...

Catherine, I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am for you - for the beautiful boy you brought home and for the peace you've found.

((((((HUGS))))))

Bronwyn said...

I picked the wrong time to take a Bloglines break... CONGRATULATIONS!!! Myles is absolutely gorgeous! And the projectile poop story is just, well, precious (and one I bet he'll enjoy hearing over and over again during family get-togethers when he's a teen-ager). I am over the moon that everything went smoothly(ish) and that Myles arrived safely. This'll be a holiday season to remember...

whatthef*ck said...

wow. there is no comment that i can come up that is really good enough. i am thrilled for you? that doesnt quite do the job. congratulations? i am so relieved and ecstatic for your family? i exhaled with you a little? all true but not quite strong enough.

in some ways having a baby that lived brought to life some more sadness. like i realized that my lost baby would never ever come back. and that my new baby is not the same baby and not a continuation of that other pregnancy. there are so many emotions and wow your hormones are running wild.

i treasure the thought of you and your family enjoying little myles. he sure is gorgeous. congratulations.

Lori said...

hugs, hugs, and more hugs! You deserve all of the happiness that this precious miracle named Myles can and will create in your lifetime! How is big brother Sam doing with everything? I bet he is over the moon with happiness!!!

Julia said...

I am so happy for your family. I am glad you could say "take us home." As it should be.

Jaye said...

*Tears of JOY* I am so unbelievably happy for you - all of you! Congratulations, sweetie!

Julian's Mom said...

You've been such an inspiration to all of us out here. I am exhaling right along with you. I am crying tears of joy for you and your family and couldn't be happier for anyone. Wishing you all the love in the world. Congratulations on your wonderful early Christmas gift!

Rosalind said...

Congratulations on you buddle of absolute joy!!
I am unfortunately new here because of the loss of my beautiful daughter Micah just eight weeks ago. I have thankfully found a tremendous amount of support, understanding and love here.
I just found your blog a couple of days ago and read it from start to finish. I felt every emotion that you expressed in your blogs. I still feel those emotions everyday. Especially your feelings of lost hope but, today you gave me back hope.
I hope I’m not intruding and sorry if I am but I just felt a need to thank you and let you know how happy I am for you... you deserve it..."HUG"

Sarah said...

Congrats! It sounds like you're experiencing some healing while still remembering the past. It's an exciting time for your family!