Showing posts from January, 2006

It seems I suck on so many levels

I'm jealous of my friends with more than one child. I simply can't relate to them because I find that missing what I should have overshadows any possible feelings of happiness I could have for them. Now I've been taken to task for those feelings. I'm apparently allowed to have them...I just shouldn't express them. My blog has recently become a place where people feel free to tell me what they think I should write about...what I should think...what I should feel. A friend has even emailed me to tell me how disappointed she is in me.

Apparently my inability to smile and pretend that things are just peachy keen is offensive. I am apparently hurting my friends with more than one child by admitting that it hurts to be around them. I'm apparently a bitch for requesting an extra ounce of sensitivity from people in that they not send me smiling happy shiny family pictures with their Christmas cards. I'm additionally insensitive for not being able to contact people a…

Yarn goodness

My alpaca/angora yarn...isn't it pretty? You really can't tell how soft it is with my poor photographic abilities. But trust's soooooo soft.

And a BIG THANK YOU to my secret pal! A fabulous package was waiting for me when I got home from my crappy day at work today. I love it! I can't wait to sit down and get to learning to knit. And soft yummy purple favorite color...thank you! (And thank you for the virtual hugs...I appreciate it)

A woman can only take so much

Over the past eight months I have tried very hard to be understanding and to not make people uncomfortable when dealing with me. I have worked hard to make my life about more than just losing Alex. I have really searched my soul to find the pieces of me that remain whole and untarnished...and build something that isn't bitter and angry and sad.

But as I sit here typing this, there is a screaming seven day old baby in the next office.

Now never mind that our LAW office is no place for a days old or seven months old. And never mind that the child is obviously unhappy about being here, for whatever reason. And never mind that I already gave them a baby present just to show how kind I can be (when a baby department/store is pretty much one of the most painful places I can ever find myself). Never mind that the endless baby-related talk is making me want to run screaming from the building.

Never mind all that.

Just tell me how much I'm supposed to take?

The parade of babies…

Crochet Help Needed

If anyone knows of a good crochet christening gown (boy) pattern (reasonably priced), could you let me know? Thanks!

To my secret pal

If you were so inspired...I would LOVE this pattern. :o)

How I know I've been away from civilization too long

I am seriously realizing that I have spent entirely too much time in the country lately. I REALLY need a city fix. Maybe a lunch out with mom? Or dinner out with Steve? Oh, it's not that we don't go's that we go to little places like "Best Friends Restaurant" where the gravy covers everything. I need something fancy schmancy and decidedly less artery-clogging.

What brings this up, you ask? My laundry. Yep...I've gone round the bend about my laundry.

The other day I received some clothes I had bought off eBay. They came in a recycled brown box (you know you do it too), but they were carefully placed in between some crisp pieces of white tissue paper and were obviously freshly dry-cleaned and pressed. They even still had the dry cleaners tags on them! I was ecstatic! I haven't used a dry cleaners since...oh lord...I don't know when. There has got to be something seriously wrong with me if I'm getting this excited over freshly laundered cloth…

Baby Ella

Please send a good thought out to Kelly, Todd, and big sister, Lydia, as they remember Ella, stillborn on January 26, 2004 (38 weeks, 4 days). She weighed 7lbs, 13ozs, and was 21 3/4 inches long. She is buried just down the cemetery aisle from our Alex.

On the day that we were trying to decide where to bury our sweet Alex, I stumbled on Ella's website and I knew. Through a twist of fate, I ended up on the same message board as Kelly, Ella's mom. We have since exchanged a few emails and hope to get together sometime when they move back to the area. It sounds weird, but on that awful day in May, I didn't feel so alone standing in that cemetery. And to this day, I always stop and say hi to Ella on my way to visit Alex. So I couldn't let this day pass without sending up a wish for peace for Ella and her family.

Happy Second Birthday sweet girl.
Congratulations to JL (the guy who has an office next to mine), on the birth of his son, Michael, this past Monday. He weighed in at 6 pounds, 4 ounces and was 18 inches long. A little early, but everyone is doing fine.

I'm already behind

Randi at I Have to Say has started quilting lessons for a pinwheel quilt. She posted the first lesson on Monday...and I haven't even bought my materials yet! eeks! I may just have to archive the lessons and work at my own pace later. I'm not feeling particularly inspired just now. Maybe a trip to the fabric store is in order. :o)

One happy crochet customer


I try not to be bitter

There are times when I catch myself looking at Sam and thinking how drastically our lives have been changed forever...while at the same time thinking how not much has changed at all. It can be, at times, as though Alex never existed. We lost hopes and dreams but really we didn't lose that much of an actual part of our lives. How can someone who's loss I mourn every single day not really have existed?

All around me I find reasons to be bitter. People who are so hopeful. People who are so happy. People who are able to put the past behind them and move forward after something bad happens to them. A part of me wants to rain all over their tell them not to count their chickens before they're hatched...nothing is guaranteed. A part of me wants to tell them to shut up and feel miserable for a even a fraction of a second...or in some cases to maybe remember what it's like to be miserable. And then I realize what I sound like and I bite my tongue and ponder what is …

The throw-ups

My husband is a far stronger person than I. That's what I choose to believe instead of that he's just more lucky than I. Sam brought home "the throw-ups," and as Darwin requires, we all get to share in the joy. Sam spent Friday night and Saturday puking. He was over the worst of it by Sunday and we even enjoyed some time outdoors on Sunday afternoon when it became apparent that the Steelers were going to beat Steve's beloved Broncos. We were inside for a total of two hours when I started to feel "not right."

Round about the time the San Andreas nuclear reactor was about to meltdown on West was I. Fifteen hours of stunning digestive pyrotechnics later (I love 10 Things I Hate About You) I was ready to curl up and die. Unfortunately, the alien living in my abdomen didn't feel that sleep was necessary. So I stumbled to the kitchen for a popsicle, lovingly purchased for me by my husband this morning shortly after the grocery store opened (he w…

I almost forgot - Photo Friday - Pink


The key to success

Apparently, the best way to get great results from my houseplants is to add some plant food and then completely ignore them.

Yellow primrose

African violet


You are all amazing! Thank you for your very thought-provoking comments to my diatribe.

Holley ~ You are exactly right and I hope you don't mind if I adopt your words as my new motto...People never get smarter or stronger if they are given no information.

Sweetcoalminer ~ No worries. Your thoughts are honest and fair. I have a whole lot of thoughts about lawyers and the legal profession as it relates to wrongful death and medical malpractice, not the least of which is my absolute horror at the way justice is dealt away for a certain price. My lawyer may not be happy with me for saying this...but no amount of money will replace our Alex. I am pursuing a lawsuit simply because I want the doctors to KNOW that I know they screwed up. And I want to help protect the next innocent woman who walks into that practice. If ultimately there is no case or there is a case and we lose, I can handle that. But I won't be silenced. I won't ever let them think that they can continue to do wha…

Who says there is no power in email?

Manhattan, NY (OPENPRESS) January 20, 2006 -- About 2 weeks ago the customer service department at Lion Brand Yarn received an email message from a blind customer. The customers message said that they could not access the yarn and crochet patterns that the site offers their users. Something needed to be done.

Nancy Miracle, the Webmaster for the Lion Brand Web site needed more information on how to resolve this problem, so she reached out to a group of blind and visually impaired knitters. As a result of this collaboration the Lion Brand Web site now offers hundreds of knit and crochet patterns that are computable with "text to speech" Web browsers and devices that produce Braille from Web pages. The company now also gives detailed written description of the patterns and colors that appear in each of the yarns that they manufacture.

"According to the American Federation For the Blind, the minimum number of visually impaired computer users is about 1.5 million." said …

I almost forgot!

I must share my big accomplishment yesterday...I got ALL the laundry done and I purged my sock/underwear drawer so that it now closes completely!

No applause is necessary.

A new look for Valentine's Day


How I avoided work this morning.

More comment response

why freak people out? why cause that anxiety (which is neither healthy for mother or baby)?

This is exactly the kind of mentality that keeps stillbirth from being addressed. It accepts the status quo. It accepts that sometimes these things just happen. My assertion is that while yes, sometimes these things do just happen and nothing can be done, there are times when something can be done. There are times when babies could be saved. If education and a freak out is going to reduce the risk (even by a little bit) that even one baby will die, I choose the education.

But quite honestly, I find it ludicrous to think that women can't handle information and education. Why freak us out? Because we are better off armed with information. Doctors monitor gestational diabetes...we are offered information and education (including many references to stillbirth)...and very few women actually "freak out" over it. We are offered AFP testing, which has a less than stellar track record for …

Dragging me kicking and screaming

Someone said that Sam would drag me through the holidays kicking and screaming (probably a figurative reference and not an indication of how this person feels about Sam), and it was true...he did. He and Steve pulled me through. And they are the reason I wake every day and go on. This is a good thing...right?

I watched a cheesy movie the other day...I think it was called Only You with Marissa Tomei. There was a line of dialogue in there...humans have an amazing capacity for moving's what we do...move on.

All the distractions in my life have helped me move on, I suppose. But I wonder if my concentration on moving on hasn't cheated my memory of Alex. I wonder if he doesn't deserve better. More attention...more something.

Comment response

I didn't know that stillbirth was preventable?! What were you supposed to do to prevent it?!

There are many things that can be done to prevent stillbirth from occurring. Many of these things depend on intensive monitoring of the pregnancy after early detection of a problem (sounds like a slogan of heard somewhere...early detection is key).

Many stillbirths (and miscarriages for that matter) are the result of blood clotting disorders or other treatable conditions. We aren't tested for them until AFTER we have suffered a loss.

In cases of knots in the umbilical cord, and in many cases of cord accidents, a trained ultrasound technician should be able to see the development of the problem (knot, too short of cord, cord looped around a body part that could become compressed during labor). The sad fact is that many u/s techs are not trained to do this type of exam.

In my case, the case of ascending intrauterine infection, paying attention to the symptoms in order to accurately diagno…

Stillbirth prevention education

Dear friend of Missing GRACE Organization,

Make sure to join us this Thursday January 19th at 7:30pm Central Standard Time for the Tele-Conference call. You won’t want to miss this important topic: Causes and Prevention of Stillbirth. Dr. Jason Collins will be our special guest speaker. Please read the description of call and speaker bio in this email below.

If you are not familiar with our Tele-Conference Calls, we would like to share with you a bit of information. It is very easy to participate. You simply dial in, enter the access code we give you, and a chime will let other callers know another person has entered onto the call. You will NOT be identified and can remain anonymous if you choose. You can mute yourself so that you can be doing other things while on the call. The speaker will often inquire of their audience of callers about their situations and what questions they would like to cover. People can simply state a question and can share a bit of their story, but aga…

I'm in trouble now

As it turns out, an acquaintance from work raises alpacas and sells alpaca yarn. She deals with a company that takes her "fluff" and makes it into yarn. The choices are delicious! She just showed me some 80% alpaca/20% angora yarn that is so yummy I just want to buy it ALL. Thank goodness my birthday is coming up. Steve and Mom...if you're reading this...hint, hint, hint. :o)

Best & Worst Dressed

I watched the Golden Globes last night. While I've only seen one of the movies that was nominated for anything (Cinderella Man...good awards), any excuse to catch a peek at Russell Crowe has me tuned in. :o)

My vote for best dressed of the evening goes to...
Jaime Pressly. I have no idea what she's starring in lately...but she looks fabulous!

And my vote for worst dressed goes to...

Gwyneth Paltrow.
I know she's pregnant and all...but COME ON...what is that thing?

By request...Drew Barrymore

Treasured memories

Who is this girl and why is she standing barefoot in the snow?

In 1980, when I was eight years old, we all took a trip "out west." We hit Yellowstone and about a zillion other scenic points along the way. We traveled with my aunt, uncle, two cousins, and my grandparents (my Dad's side). When I thought back on it, I thought I was older somehow. But I was eight...eight years old and gullible enough to believe my cousin when he told me that glacier snow wasn't cold.

I'll probably look through these old photos and post a few more. They make me smile.

Cropped out

I haven't scrapbooked in almost a year. I've been rather distracted by the sadness in my life to spend time making memories look pretty in a little book. But lately I've been getting the urge to get back to it. I even looked through my stash yesterday to see where I left off and what supplies I had to work with (I have too much stuff, if you must know). I didn't quite get to the actual scrapbooking stage because I had Sam home with me...and nobody to distract him. Now, scrapbooking, on a good day with Steve to run interference, is hard enough with Sam around. He's curious and talkative...and very "touchy" (I don't like my stuff to be moved when I'm working with it). So it's best that I put it off and plan for a weekend. I was even considering packing up my bag and heading to the scrapbook store about a half hour from home to use their "crop room" sometime soon.

But in the true f--- you fashion of the universe, my email this morning i…

Misery loves company

I live in a small town. I work in an even smaller town. The kinds of places where the teller knows your name at the bank. The kinds of places where people were born and raised. Nobody moves into these towns. People spend their lives trying to find a way out of towns like these. Except us.

We moved into this town almost five years ago now. I've been working in the other town for two and a half years. This place feels like home, but the tellers still don't know my name at the bank. We still don't have friends that we can invite over to dinner or to play cards. We don't know anyone who can help us move heavy tree limbs when we need to. We don't know anyone who will plow our driveway out of kindness.

I know a lot of our not "connecting" has to do with our circumstances...I lost my job, I had a baby, I got a new job, I had a dead baby. Not a lot going on there that really entices people to be your friend. Nobody wants to hang with the depressing chick and her f…

My snowman blankie has a new owner



Do you think inanimate things can have a memory? Do you think that something can be involved in something so horrific that the residual energy lingers around that object somehow? Do you wonder about the people who held the things and created that energy?

We ate a pizza lunch in our conference room today. And besides having to get up and walk out because new mommy coworker was complaining about what a chore it is for her to pump breastmilk for her beautiful six month old baby boy, there was something notable that happened. Maybe it just happened in my mind. Our conference room has been used the past couple of weeks to prepare for a big murder trial here in our county. Ralph Clark, involved in a rather strange "church," killed his estranged wife after she got custody of their children and announced her intention to move out of state. (I can talk about this because word is that the Defendant entered into a plea agreement this afternoon.) Trial preparation naturally included a re…

The uniform of a preschooler

Sam has a blankie and a doggie that he simply MUST take with him to daycare/preschool every day. The blankie is usually one of the two that I made him, so I think that's sweet. The doggie is this floppy thing he got as a Christmas gift for his first Christmas from one of my aunts. He's developed an attachment to this poor thing and can't eat, sleep, or travel without having it by his side.

This morning, while going through their normal morning routine of Steve folding Sam's still 3/4 sleeping body into his coat, I heard Sam say, "No, that's MY blankie." I giggled and said, "Nobody's going to mug him in his sleep." And it's true...he has a sort of radar about these two snuggly items that is adorable to watch. I thought it was a unique part of his story. Until this morning.

I was driving to work through the quiet residential neighborhood near the courthouse and I past this little yellow house. The mother was attempting to usher her half asle…

Miscellaneous thoughts

I miss my miscellaneous here are a few for today.
Amazing what a little sunshine will do for your mood. I'm thinking that wherever we vacation there must be sunshine...and a beach...and fruity drinks with umbrellas. Cost Rica? I'll look into it lauralu...thanks for the suggestion. I have a few months to convince Sam that he will love to ride in an airplane. A small white lie I know he will call me on as soon as the plane doors close. Do you think anyone would object if I just stuck him in my checked luggage? (I'm KIDDING...mostly)
If you haven't tried the McCormick Crock Pot Seasonings, I recommend you do. Sure, there's too much sodium in them. But the Italian Herb Chicken is so yummy you won't mind swelling up like a balloon after you eat it.
I'm working on soliciting donations for the Public Animal Welfare Society's big e…

My super secret project

My first purse...

I was going to send it to my secret pal, but then I thought, purses are kind of a personal taste thing. Then I thought about sending it to my sister, since her favorite color is blue. But again, that personal taste thing makes me unsure. So now I don't know where it will land permanently.

My other hobby

This post is to respond to a request from my secret pal. I sew (from patterns) medieval faire costumes for my mom and her friends (and myself when I'm so motivated). I haven't been great about keeping pictures handy, so please forgive the poor quality of some of these. There's on picture I couldn't get loaded of my dress from the first year. But you aren't missing much, since I made it WAY too big and I didn't really like it. I ended up giving it to mom...whom I'm sure will be asking me to alter it in some fashion at some point. :o)

This was the first year...the first dresses for mom. I cursed her and called her all sorts of names for choosing these materials. Silky and slippery...sewn on an old Singer sewing machine without bells and whistles. I'm surprised I did more after these, quite honestly. What a nightmare. But I was so excited to actually have someone wear something I'd sewn that I stayed up all night the night before the faire opened so I c…


Eight months have passed since our baby died. I used to have this urge to say "since we lost our baby" or something similarly euphemistic. But it's a new year and I'm striving for honesty...even if it hurts. And it does hurt. Instead of waking with the exciting anticipation of spending the day with our bright and smiling boys who would both learn new things, I marked the beginning of this day by noting that it is sunny and we could go outside and play...just Sam and me. That prospect would have filled me with delight on any day before that day eight months ago. Now it brings a strange mixture of happiness and sadness...and makes me feel. I hate feeling. I'm tired of feeling. I just want to be for a while.

I don't want to be a traitor to the family that I have here with me...wishing they were more or somehow different. I want to be able to appreciate them as they are and fully enjoy my life with them. But the love and anticipation that have become horror and s…

What if...?

All the what if's for one day...

~What if Sonya's yarn is expensive?
~What if this scratch on my arm becomes infected?
~What if something bad happens to Steve or Sam?
~What if I can't do well for the animal rescue and the event in May is a complete disaster?
~What if I can't get pregnant?
~What if Alex was our last chance?
~What if dinner sucks?
~What if my secret pal secretly hates me?
~What if I can get pregnant?
~What if our house burns down?
~What if I get fired because I can't concentrate?
~What if I drank too much caffeine today?
~What if Sam refuses to sleep in his own bed for years?
~What if I win the lottery?
~What if my horses get sick?
~What if we go on vacation in May?
~What if the boss catches me blogging?
~What if the expert tells us we have a case?
~What if it rains tomorrow?
~What if my dogs get sick?
~What if the expert tells us we don't have a case?
~What if I die?

I think I need to do something fun. Too much thinking. Too much worrying. I'm going to babyless an…

So many strange dreams

I haven't been sleeping very well the last couple of weeks because of the snot that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my head. And you know that mucous couple on that commercial? They're living in my lungs...though I think they may have split up and one of them is living in Sam's lungs. All this means I never really reach that restful REM sleep. Instead, I linger in that half-asleep state where your mind plays tricks on you and makes up dreams that you'd really rather not have.

The other day I dreamed I lost Sam. Not that he died...but that I LOST him. I couldn't find him. I have no idea when or where I misplaced my rather vocal three-and-a-half year old...I could that happen anyway? He's like my shadow, following me from room to room, refusing to let me do ANYTHING other than devote my full and complete attention to him and whatever activity he has chosen at the moment. Last night I simply HAD TO read a book to him when he demanded...not …
“All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I looked someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted thier answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I as looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I could answer. It took me a while and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: That I am nobody but myself!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Very funny

Is it a rule that just because I'm feeling strong and happy every baby in town has to be in the grocery store on the same afternoon I am?

I hate this!

Mystery shopper phobia?

Today I was sent an email request from the company that I mystery shop for. They need someone to do a retail shop. It pays $15 plus reimbursement for whatever item you purchase (up to set limits). Problem? It's at Ambiance, the Store for Lovers. thanks.

Yeah, sure

I'd LOVE to see your happy-baby-at-Christmas pictures. I don't suppose you'd like to see a picture of Alex's grave at Christmas, would you? We decorated it really nice with a little Christmas tree and a poinsetta. Oh, see, now I'm being snarky.

(In my most polite and respectful tone of voice...) Can't you see that every happy baby picture just shows me what I'm missing? What the f*ck is wrong with you? Don't you have a heart? (Oops...I think I lost that polite and respectful tone of voice somewhere.)

What have I gotten myself into?

I signed up for Secret Pal 7. You get assigned a secret pal with a knit/crochet interest to pamper for three months or so. Sounds theory. I have been assigned a secret pal that is a knitting dynamo. I swear, this woman has lightening fast hands. And the projects she completes. Holy moly! I'm still using training wheels as far as crochet goes and my secret pal's got sweaters and socks and hats and you name it. How do I pamper someone who is so far ahead of me on the curve? I don't even know what she's talking about most of the time when she blogs about her projects. oy! I think I have gotten in WAY over my head.

I got an email from the secret pal who got me. Hi secret pal! I promise my blog won't all be depressing and boring. I've got to get a more positive attitude. I've got to move forward with my life. New year and all that sunshiney stuff. Hopefully crocheting will distract me enough to keep me from looking back too terribly much.

I did my first…

Desperation thy name is ME

I caved. I gave in to the pressure. I folded like a cheap suit all wrinkly and ugly. So much for all my high and mighty parenting ideas.

You see, Sam wouldn't sleep in his own bed because his room is upstairs (ours is down) and it's too dark and scary at night. It's a great little white tube toddler bed that was a hand-me-down from Steve's sister's girls. I even bought him NASCAR bedding AND Thomas the Tank Engine bedding in the hopes of enticing him to sleep in his own bed. Nope.

For months, I have found myself clinging to the edge of my king sized bed, struggling to wrestle blankets for myself, covering my head so I couldn't hear the toddler snores directly in my ear. It was...acceptable. But after months of increased sleep activity on Sam's part, we finally reached a breaking point. Last night I woke to find Sam kicking Steve in the face...with both feet. While it is kind of a funny story to tell, it's not exactly conducive to a safe and sound night…

Self Conscious

If ever there was a time when I was self conscious about this blog, it is now. I never worried about what people would think when I started it, it was for friends and family who knew me outside of the blogosphere. Then this big thing happened in our lives...we lost our baby. I made new friends...friends who could understand what I was thinking and feeling. But even as that was happening, I never worried about what I was writing. Perhaps I was so involved in my grief that it didn't matter to me what people thought. Well, that's not entirely true. I have censored some thoughts in an effort to maintain some sense of peace in my family. It wasn't that big of a deal and it certainly didn't stop me from dealing with the subjects I needed to deal with.

But here I am now...finding my way to a new normal. I have cried so many tears writing so many entries that I almost don't know how to write the entries that make me smile or laugh anymore. But they are there. They are star…

Pajama day fun

I went to bed early last night...managed a shower today to change my PJs...watched a movie...crocheted some. Now I'm thinking about hitting the hay early again tonight.

But before I find some sweet dreams, let me fill in my answers to the Secret Pal 7 questionnaire before I forget to do it...

1. Are you a yarn snob (do you prefer higher quality and/or natural fibers)? Do you avoid Red Heart and Lion Brand? Nope...I'll work with anything. There's a perfect project for just about any yarn.

2. Do you spin? Crochet? Crochet

3. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in? I have a courdery "crochet bag" (with big wooden handles) that has a matching fold-over hook wallet.

4. How long have you been knitting? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced? I don't knit...just crochet. I consider myself to be beginner even though I've been crocheting for years. I only did granny squares for a long time and just recently started foll…

Forward on!

There are steps you have to take when you are grieving the loss of a child. Some of them you are sure you'll never be able to take. But then by some miracle you're nudged forward and you take them. Other times you take a giant leap with your eyes shut and your breath held...simply hoping for the best.

My friend, Dana, who is a regular reader and commenter here, is expecting her fourth baby here shortly. We're both regular posters on a mommy message board and have been together for literally years. She was my secret sister for a while too, so I feel like I know her a little better than a lot of the women on that board. We're different in almost every way...though she has taught me a thing or two about her way of life that I must admit to incorporating into my own life. She's a smart cookie and I truly do love her like a sister even though I've never met her or even spoken to her on the telephone.

So this leap...this forward step for me...

We have a tradition on ou… I'm a bit oversensitive

I work in an old building...a really old building. It's on the National Register of Historic Places. It was THE original old courthouse and jail in our county. Our conference room used to be the one courtroom in the county, complete with wood floors, high ceilings and chandeliers. Aside from the lack of modernization since the 50s, it's a decent building to work in. We each have our own individual offices upstairs where the judges and clerks used to have offices. They all have doors. Remember that fact, it's integral to my stupification at the fact that I've had to listen to THREE different "baby" conversations this morning already and I haven't even been here an hour.

You see, we have this new coworker who has a relatively young daughter (I don't think she's quite two yet). Now, I could cut her some slack if she didn't know. But come on...there's nine people in this entire building...I'm SURE someone shared the information with her. S…

Crafty me

Went to Joann's today after work and found some great white knitting thread to make snowflake ornaments (and a hook for $0.50!). I know, Christmas is a ways off. But I figure if I work on it a little bit all year long I will have a really nice set by the time I need it for the tree.

While there, I also found Homespun in the same dye lot as the Homespun I previously bought. Now I have enough to make myself a real cardigan. Off to find the perfect pattern...

woo hoo!

Sign ups for Secret Pal 7 are completed and I should have my secret pal assigned sometime soon. The questionnaire should be up soon too. All this anticipation is so much fun!

Fun facts from the hosts...

1. Almost 25% of participants live outside the United States. In all, there are participants from over 20 different countries.
2. Of those participants who live in the US, the largest number call California home. Folks in the Big Apple (NY) are fiber fanatics, too, coming in a close second.
3. The runaway winner for most popular hobby: Reading. Most interesting hobby: I don't think I'll touch this one - there were so many! Share them with your pals....
4. Over 75% of participants have a pet. And all kinds of animals share our homes - cats, dogs, llamas, birds, mice, hamsters, guinea pigs, bunnies, chinchillas, and even a corn snake.
[did you see? chinchillas again! bwa ha ha ha!]

I hope, hope, hope, I don't get someone too advanced in knitting or crocheting...I'd hate to disa…

The proof is in the smiling

I heard from my friend who was finally able to adopt a baby boy. Actually, I sent her an email asking for an update. Today she sent me an update (and a picture).

Here is our little bundle of Chase Aidan...6lbs 3oz...born on 12/21/05. We just got home a couple days's soooo good to be home!! The dogs all love him to pieces...they keep coming over to lick him on the head...once I have rested up & get things on a schedule will write an in depth letter about Mr. Chase & our travels.
Sherie , Michael, 5 crazy spots, & Chase Aidan

I didn't cry at all. In fact, it made me smile and I didn't even want to cry.

That makes me smile even more.

Who says television is a bad thing?

It was like a train wreck and I couldn't look away. Some kind person who knows I have Wednesdays off work, warned me ahead of time that they were going to kill off a child on Days of Our Lives, just in case I would want to avoid the storyline. But I couldn't...of course. Call it morbid curiosity. I wanted to know if they would do the storyline any justice. And it wasn't like they were doing a stillbirth story or anything. So I turned it on and watched. Bo & Hope's young son, Zach, was the victim of a hit and run...rumor is he will be declared brain-dead tomorrow and will be a life-saving organ donor for an infant in need of a transplant (liver, I think). Today was the initial "discovery" episode...where the mother stumbles upon her own child lying bloodied and broken in the street. Can you think of a more dramatic storyline? I was unmoved.

I used to the be kind of person that would cry at sappy commercials and sad television shows and/or movies. But as Ho…

For my husband

But LOOK what I could do with it!

You can't shear a cow...but maybe a chinchilla?

Brown drinks

Why is it the majority of the things I drink are brown?
Coffee, tea, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, Diet Dr. Pepper, Cask & Cream.
I think I need to drink fewer brown drinks.
Your New Year's Resolutions
1) Get a pet chinchilla

2) Eat more cheese

3) Travel to Holland

4) Study human sexuality

5) Get in shape with surfingWhat Should Your New Year's Resoluton Be?

Fear and loathing

...bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing - intolerable vibrations in this place.

Do you ever find yourself in a place in your head where you are surrounded by a tug-of-war between the urge to snuggle in all calm and peaceful and the urge to scream out loud at the universe like some poor mental patient talking to a street lamp?

A lot of my inner turmoil comes from the constant conflict I feel about other people and how I relate to them. I wish I could not care...but I do. For example...this week I have experienced two opposite ends of the spectrum.

My dear friend who did not know about Alex (and sent me the Christmas card with her Baby #2 news) sent me an email after I told her the news. In part it said, "You are in the lifelong process of surviving one of the very worst things a parent can experience, and you are doing it in a way that is totally in keeping with the Cathy I always knew - with honesty, grace, and of course that trademark ability to see some humor even in …


2005 is in the record books. It's over. I thought I would feel some big sense of relief or some sense of eager anticipation for what might be ahead in 2006. I hoped there would be some sense of relief from turning another corner.

But I realized this morning that I haven't turned any significant corners. The change of the calendar hasn't changed a thing about our lives. Steve still got up to let the dogs out this morning. I still feel sick. We're still going to have to deal with Sam's temper tantrum when we try to take the Christmas tree down today.

And Steve and I both tried to say "Happy New Year" to each other...and it just didn't work.

I have the same hopes I had last year. Yesterday and today all wrapped up with one big bright shiny bow under confetti and a paper hat? It's all a bunch of bologna, if you ask me. There's no more promise with the change of the year than there was yesterday or the day before. There is no more hope or happiness …