Thursday, January 05, 2006

woo hoo!

Sign ups for Secret Pal 7 are completed and I should have my secret pal assigned sometime soon. The questionnaire should be up soon too. All this anticipation is so much fun!

Fun facts from the hosts...

1. Almost 25% of participants live outside the United States. In all, there are participants from over 20 different countries.
2. Of those participants who live in the US, the largest number call California home. Folks in the Big Apple (NY) are fiber fanatics, too, coming in a close second.
3. The runaway winner for most popular hobby: Reading. Most interesting hobby: I don't think I'll touch this one - there were so many! Share them with your pals....
4. Over 75% of participants have a pet. And all kinds of animals share our homes - cats, dogs, llamas, birds, mice, hamsters, guinea pigs, bunnies, chinchillas, and even a corn snake.
[did you see? chinchillas again! bwa ha ha ha!]

I hope, hope, hope, I don't get someone too advanced in knitting or crocheting...I'd hate to disappoint them with my basic skills. I also hope I don't scare my secret pal off with my depressing writing. I swear I'm getting back to something resembling a "normal" life...really...honestly...truly. In fact, in anticipation of this Secret Pal swap, I've been working on a super secret project. I may or may not send it to my pal, depending on her likes and dislikes. Either way, I will post pictures someday. :o)

Also as proof of my return to "normalcy," I offer this epiphany that resulted from several bloggers' encounters with therapists, medications, and routes to healing after the loss of a baby...

I didn't realize it before, but I HAVE made choices in how to find healing from all of this. It hasn't run me as much as I thought it has. I HAVE maintained some measure of control. I chose not to seek therapy or medication. My reasons are many and varied...and have even changed over the course of time. But I did...I made those choices.

I also chose to wait to try to conceive another baby. At first, that choice manifested itself in my horror and disbelief over others who were driven to be pregnant soon after a loss. I thought I was being judgmental...when what I really was doing was making the choice that that wasn't for me. I remember those first few weeks when the urge to have a baby in my arms was a huge driving force in my life. But I knew mentally that I wasn't equipped to handle another pregnancy for a relatively long time. At first, I thought, "Oh my God...wait a year? How will I ever manage that?" Now here I sit at eight months out from losing Alex and I am relieved I made that choice. I feel good about it. I see now that I needed to work on ME before I could offer anything to another pregnancy (and hopefully a living baby).

I actually feel proud of myself today. I'm not completely out of control...as I feared I might become. The pain is there but it is dulled a bit by the knowledge that I have done the best I could with what I was served. I've learned to understand more and to accept more...I've learned that not everything goes according to plan. And I've learned that you have to make the most of TODAY...because you're not guaranteed a tomorrow. I think the shrinks call it acceptance. Woo Hoo...another step toward "normal!"

Now I need to do some actual work so I can crochet on my lunch hour. :o)

6 comments:

kate said...

Good for you for realizing that!

What is this secret pal 7 that you speak of? You knit or crochet a suprise for someone? That's very cool! I could never do it, i have never ever in my life finished an adult-sized project...sigh...

Sarah said...

Yea! I'm excited that you're having an "ah ha" moment and seeing progress in yourself. That makes me happy and makes me smile. And everyone deserves many things to make them smile in a day.
:)

Dana said...

{{{{hugs}}} I hope your days continue to get easier for you.

AJW5403 said...

Your post made me feel good to read it. I see a smile in your writing that I have not seen before. I am so happy that things are getting eaiser for you. You are always in my thoughts.

deadbabymama said...

I'm glad you figured out that you were making a decision, not just floating in a sea of uncertainty.

Holley said...

Yay.

Hugs.