Showing posts from February, 2006

Oh my gosh...honesty in reporting!

Have you seen the story about the lawsuit over the gender predictor kit?

Here's the ABC story.

But this is the part I LOVED...

Another important issue to consider is that all pregnancies naturally carry a 20 percent miscarriage rate, said Dr. Henry Klapholz, chairman of obestrics and gynecology at MetroWest Medical Center in Framingham, Mass., and a professor at Harvard Medical School.

"At five weeks, quite frankly, you don't know if a pregnancy is 'good,'" Klapholz said. "It's bad enough to think you're going to have a baby because of a positive pregnancy test. Now couples will imagine a baby, then the gender of baby, then the name of the baby — this could be potentially more devastating than a miscarriage."

[emphasis mine]

It's BAD ENOUGH to think you're going to have a baby because of a positive pregnancy test?!?! I'm just busting a gut laughing here.

Insight on jealousy

I hope my friend doesn't mind I post this...but more often than not she says just the right thing and I think other women might need to hear it too.

Eh, I think you look fine in green. :-) Seriously, I
don't know how you could manage not to feel some of
that jealousy. You know, this may sound totally
bizarre to you, but I guess just from empathizing with
you since you lost Alex, I'm uncomfortable around
pregnant women. It's just that I now see things a bit
differently and can't get into all that happy talk --
partly because it seems so unfair that some women can
breeze through all this so easily while you went
through hell, and partly because I now have this view
of the state of pregnancy as a truly precarious one,
in which the afflicted are so often oblivious. It's
like watching an idiot on a tightrope; I mean, I
really hope she gets to the other side okay, but I
just can't stay and watch as she babbles, oblivious to
the danger. So if even people who love you and

Green is not a pretty color on me

I'm jealous. I have admitted it more than once, but now it's really starting to bother me that I'm not normal. I can't bring myself to talk about potential baby names...or joke about how I feel physically...or contemplate how things have changed with each pregnancy. And I really can't listen to women who talk about how hard it is to deal with their children for one reason or another. I feel as though I could launch into a rant at any moment...hard? you want to know hard? try visiting your dead baby at a cemetery, buried under a foot of snow...then you'll know what hard IS.

I don't want to be the person in the crowd that is always bringing everyone else down. And I suppose I could pretend like it doesn't bother me when women around me talk about that stuff...but what would be the point of that? This is so frightening.

There is nothing to hang on to here. There is nothing to guide me. Emily Post didn't write about this stuff.

So I'm pol…

Moving forward on a busy Saturday

Today we went on a dog transport. Three American Brittany's to their new forever homes. (This isn't a picture of them...just a picture so you can see how cute Brittany Spaniels are). One little sweetheart, Sugar, had so obviously been used to breed puppies and had been simply discarded because she is now too old, at 10 years old, to reproduce. She would have been put to sleep if not for American Brittany Rescue taking her in and finding her a new home. She was so ready for love and affection...used and broken and lonely. I identified with her immediately. I hope she has a wonderful life ahead of her in her new home.

After dropping the pups off to head off on the next legs of their journey to their new homes, we did what everyone does in Erie, PA...we went shopping. First, a stop at WalMart to buy me some clean pants. One of the puppies had apparently smeared poop all over me at some point and I was exerting all my effort not to toss my cookies at the sight. Thank God and WalMar…

Sadness and happiness

And as often happens, life goes on. Today I'm anxiously awaiting good news from dbm and Anna. Best wishes to them both and their babies.

the non-post post

I'm feeling negative and crappy and I just have nothing to say. We're going out for pizza for dinner, maybe that will encourage a better mood.

And the floodwalls give way

Today I cry for my dear friend Julie, and her baby boy, Nick, who was stillborn one year ago.

I will never in my lifetime understand this. Never.

My day

~The cat just gave his bowl a push from the top of the rolled all the way down and landed at my husband's feet.

~I went to the BMV today to renew my license plates on the minivan. The woman behind the counter couldn't figure out how to make the printer print. Her way of handling it...pushing print and standing there waiting....and waiting...and waiting...and saying, "I'm just waiting for it to print." Don't did eventually print.

~Sam's going to be, "a man just like daddy," when he grows up.

~I signed up to attend a scrapbooking convention with a friend I've never met ( internet friend...what would my mom say? oh yeah...she beat me to meeting internet friends by like five or ten years. lol)

~With our grocery store discount, we filled up the minivan with 45 cents a gallon. :o)

~I made a joke that Sam was going to have to sleep in his own bed so Orbit, the foster dalmatian, could sleep in his place. He took m…

My secret pal rocks!

A while back I not so subtly hinted that I would like a certain crochet pattern. Guess what I got for my birthday?

tee hee...I LOVE it!


no more

Bye bye to the anonymous comments option. To those non-weirdos who are not registered, I'm sorry you won't be able to comment, but I hope you understand.

It's all there is

"One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear."
~Graham Greene - The Confidential Agent (1939)

Well here I am. Paralyzed with fear. My stomach hurts and my neck is tense...all the time. I find that I can't talk about being pregnant unless I'm outwardly happy and sugary sweet. But it's all an act.

I'm terrified to my very core. I spend time thinking about being pregnant and crying when nobody is watching.

I'm afraid to speak. If I say anything negative and something bad happens, I know the guilt I will feel. If I say anything positive and something bad happens, I know the disappointment I will feel. So I say nothing at all.

I joke about being in denial and try to dress it up as something funny or cute. But it's neither funny nor cute. It's well and truly sad. But what is left for me? I feel like I've gone ten rounds with fear and fear is kickin…

I am woman, hear me roar

Laundry folded and put away...check.
Dog vomit cleaned up...check.
Food provided for child...check. (Though I can't claim that I've successfully fed him, since he's refusing to eat more than a bite.)
Dog blankets in washer...check.
Clothes dryer repaired...check.
Dogs out for potty break...check.

Still left to do...
Vacuum and swiffer.
Un/load dishwasher.
Never-ending bathroom renovation work.

Holiday? Who me?
I've been lacking things to write about recently, can you tell? Not because there aren't a zillion different thoughts running around in my brain...but because I'm generally too exhausted to actually type them out.
Yesterday, Sam picked out a beautiful bouquet of flowers to take to the cemetery. But on the way to the car, he asked if he could keep them instead. The payoff smile I got when I said yes way out-balanced the disappointment in again failing to take something to Alex. But hey...the…

Sometimes it's easy to forget

Sometimes I forget.

I forget how small he was.
I forget how sad I was.
I forget the dreams we had.
I forget what should be.
I forget the things I should feel.
I just forget.

But something always reminds me.

A bright blue sky with warm sunshine.
His footprints on his headstone.
Sam begging for someone to play with.
The three of us out sledding.
A conversation with a friend.
The empty crib.

How could I forget?

Why do I have to remember?

Special thoughts

Today I'm thinking of Laura, Justin and Johannes.

Laura and Justin ~ I'm wishing you peace today as you remember your sweet boy.

Not what you'd expect

That should be the theme of my life, right? Not what you'd expect.

So the dishes are CLEAN and it's a beautiful thing! Steve had a cup of water last night and commented, "This cup has never BEEN this clean!" (think Ross on Friends with the oddly placed emphasis in the sentence) Sam is thrilled that there are buttons (I'm thrilled there is a lock to prevent him out from pushing the buttons and sabotaging my dish cycles). I...I am positively...orgasmic...over my dishwasher. The thing is sooooo quiet you wouldn't believe it. Of course, it could be that we've been living with on that literally sounded like a locomotive was driving through our kitchen for the past five years...but who knows. We're oddly sensitive that way.

The shower. What can I say? I spent the whole time in there this morning with my body tensed and my arm ready to hit the shut-off when that first blast of all-cold hit my body...which, of course, didn't happen. It's going to take …

Sometime after 9

3pm is sometime after 9, right? I guess I shouldn't be upset that I passed up a hot shower, clean dishes, and clean laundry to wait for these yahoos to show up to install our water heater and dishwasher. On the plus side, I got a nice nap in earlier this afternoon. But now they're here and I'm slightly afraid.

And what is it with the butt crack? Is that a rule or something?

Make up for lost time here...

Have you ever heard that song by Tim McGraw with the lyric...Make up for lost time here in my next thirty years?

What exactly is "lost time?" Is lost time when your dreams aren't realized? Or is lost time when you stop dreaming? Is lost time when you're sitting still and quietly enjoying the passage of time? Is lost time when you wish you could have it back?

I began to wonder if the past 18 months or so were simply lost time. But that can't be. As painful as they were, they meant something to me...something that I wouldn't consider a waste of time.

I can see why people want you to "move on" quickly...they see you "wasting time" and don't want you to lose a minute. But what they don't realize is that there is no lost time along the path of life. The journey is what matters. We're all headed for the same destination whether we like it or not. And regardless of whether there are things I would like to change about my life and the pat…

Needle nose pliers, Cadbury eggs, and other Valentine's fun

This is the Valentine's of someone who has clearly lost their mind. I was working on a super secret project last night and discovered my dear, sweet, wonderful husband had used the needle nose pliers to pull staples out of the horse fence, bening the needle nose completely out of whack and making the pliers good for nothing more than general plier work. I admit it...I flipped out...over pliers. I asked my trademark question, "Really...what is your problem?" A trademark phrase that is not so cute when asked by a rather mouthy three-and-a-half year old (Hey, at least I'm not swearing anymore...after the dammit incidents). So my dear, sweet, wonderful husband very calmly offered to get me a new pair...a pair that will be just a Valentine's gift. I told him that while he was at WalMart, if he happened to stumble across some Cadbury eggs, he could feel free to pick me up one or two (or a dozen). Hormones? Possibly.

"You’ve got your hand on a bomb but you don’t want to talk about it over and over, you don’t want to face it – so you talk about something else."

Why is it some big corporation hasn't snatched up the opportunity to rebuild New Orleans? Think of the positive publicity!
I'm thinking of Michelle and wishing her all the best.
Is it possible to eat too much cake? I think so.
I am officially an old person. I'm listening to the "Adult Alternative" station on Yahoo LaunchCast.
The crows are confusing me. The signs just aren't clear. I need clarity.
A pregnant friend emailed me for information on amnios. It seems her and her husband found out they are both carriers for cystic fibrosis. So now they will have testing to determine if the baby has it. Why can't this just be easy?
The plumber is coming Wedn…

This weekend was weird

It was a relatively normal weekend. I would even venture to say that it was good.

Yesterday morning was a Paws 4 A Cause meeting. P4AC is a yearly race/walk that is also a fundraiser for the Public Animal Welfare Society (PAWS). I'm "chairperson" of the donation committee this year and after our meeting I'm VERY excited. We have some great things donated for our Chinese Auction/Raffle already, and the event isn't even until Mother's Day. They raised $1800 last year. I want to exceed that. My ultimate goal is to break the $2500 mark. Mother's Day is going to sort of suck this year, so it gives me something positive to focus on.

After I got home from my meeting, Steve, Sam and I spent some time at Lowe's, ordering our new water heater and dishwasher. I can not explain the anticipation these purchases bring. We have lived in this house for almost five years, and in that time I have had only a handful of actually hot showers. And the dishes have become pr…

My 7 songs

I have over 500 songs in my I Pod, which I keep on shuffle, so it is hard for me to put thru this list because I do not consciously pick my music
Here is what has been in my head recently

1. Le Belage - Pat Benetar - Awesome guitar lick that I can’t seem to get out of my head.

2. Precious Time - Pat Benetar - Because life is too short to waste precious time

3. Nineteen hundred and eighty five - Paul McCartney - fun ragtime style song with a great synth playing in the background. This man puts on a much better Superbowl show than the Stones, and I love the Stones.

4. If you ever stop loving me - Montgomery Gentry - Only God knows where I be, if you ever stop loving me.

5. The fear of being alone - Reba McIntyre - Great guitars and the lyrics are good too.

6 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton - Never expected to see someone dance to it on TV

7. My Old School - Steely Dan Cause I ain’t never going back to my old Schoooooolllllllllll

Believe it or not, only the Steely Dan song is in my iPod

Love is...

I won the "Love is..." quote contest over at Puremood. My submission?

Love is giving a bit of your soul away without expectation or reservation.

Good one, huh? I'm going to try to practice it a little more faithfully in my life. I've got to stop protecting my heart. Love worth having comes at great risk, right?

I even won a prize!

How cute is this candle? And it smells YUMMY!

Thanks PM!


This is my first attempt at stripes. I ended up tearing it all apart because I didn't change colors the right way. Hopefully I will have time to start again sometime this weekend on a scarf. Keep your fingers crossed. I've also got christening gown patterns calling my name... So much stitching, so little time.


I just went looking online for dishes to match the ones already in my kitchen. The pattern is "retired" and the pattern is now considered "vintage."

Granted, I got them as wedding gifts eleven and a half years ago...but vintage?!?!


I've been tagged by Donutbabe.

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

1. The Song Remembers When - Trisha Yearwood - “There was a God in heaven...and the world made perfect sense...we were young and were in love...we were easy to convince...we were headed straight for was just around the bend...and though I had forgotten all about it...the song remembers when.”

2. Pray for Me - Ty Herndon - A plea for help that I can sing out loud in my car.

3. Two Pump Texaco - Diamond Rio - a song that didn’t get air play but always makes me tap my foot and sing along.

4. Now Comes the Night - Rob Thomas - I bought the CD in a very angry mood because the loud drum rhythms were just what I needed to blast in the car. But I found this s…

Congratulations B!

Ryan James was born by c-section on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 at 11:51 AM (over a week late). He was 7 pounds. 15.5 ounces and 20.5 inches long. Mom and baby went home late Thursday afternoon and everyone is doing well.

I'm so happy for you and J. Hugs to you all!

Look what I can do!

I think it's going to be a scarf when it grows up. I played with it last night and learned how to do stripes. So I'm going to use the dark purple, light purple, and white that my secret pal sent me and try to make it wearable. Of course, I was just learning last night, so I ripped it all out and it's waiting for me to get home tonight.

No, I'm not doing the Knitting Olympics OR the Crochet Olympics. I couldn't take the sense of defeat if I didn't get my project(s) done. lol

No good deed goes unpunished

We donated a 1995 Chevy Cavalier and a who-knows-how-old Ford F150 pickup truck to charity last year. They came and picked it up at no charge and they sent us all the paperwork they said we would need to file our income taxes and claim a deduction.

In e-filing our taxes, an instruction came up that I needed to file a signature page and a Form 1098-C. Problem is, the charity sent me a Form 8283. Perplexed, I started searching for an answer to a question that is apparently much more difficult than even the secret of life.

I called the IRS. After lecturing me on how I was SUPPOSED to file the paperwork within three days of e-filing and will now "have a problem and will most likely get a notice from the IRS"...when I've been TRYING for three days to get a straight answer...they now tell me I need to file BOTH forms. Now this instruction is not printed on ANY instructions that I can find anywhere...and is, in fact, contrary to the instruction printed on their oh-so-helpful web…
Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Thanks to mom for this...

Thanks to my son for this...

Thanks to my husband and my son for this...

Thanks to M (donutbabe) for the birthday card.
Thanks to Heather for the birthday card.
Thanks to Jill for the eCard.
Thanks to AcmePetTransport for the eCard.
Thanks to my Secret Pal for the eCard.

We didn't put candles on the birthday cake. But I still have one birthday wish...
I know I'm not supposed to say it out loud or it won't come true. I think you know what it is though (I'm not that complicated). :o)

Today I'm off to preschool for a presentation of Sam's Book About Sam...then lunch and retail therapy with my mom and Sam. Should make for a fun day. I hope you have a good day as well.


When we attempt to imagine death, we perceive ourselves as spectators.
~Sigmund Freud~

When Death came calling, he only visited me briefly. But he was my body...touching my soul.

Death took only that part of my soul I had given to my unborn son. But he was my body...touching my soul.

Was he icy and cold like something evil? Was he warm and loving like something seen on an episode of Touched by an Angel? He was none of these to me. Death was a thief in the my body...touching my soul.

What he stole can never be replaced. And for that I am sad and angry and perplexed.

But beyond the grief and sadness is a fear that he didn't leave...that he lingers somewhere in my body. What if he lurks somewhere in my soul waiting for me or my next unborn baby?

It's more than finding your home broken into when you arrive home late at night. Is the intruder still there? will I ever feel safe in this space again? And even if he is gone, there is the kn…

Welcome to the world Joseph Abraham!!!

Joseph Abraham entered the world Friday night at "sometime around 11pm." He weighs 8 lbs, 8 ozs. Dana couldn't say how long he is...she said she was too tired to really care about the specifics. Labor was "a little longer than she would have liked," but everyone is doing fine.

I love you Dana! I can't wait to see pictures of your baby boy!

A little weird

I was feeling a little weird having so many comments to our "big announcement." I always thought there were lurkers and such around here, based on the statcounter...but now...

It was kind of freaking me out at first.

But then I got this email from a woman who lost her baby in October...
You handled yourself so incredibly well at work the other day and I admire you for it. I had a similar day at work the same day and the next day when I was dragging myself back to my accounting firm I thought of you. I have only read a few entries and wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings. I also wanted to let you know that you helped another person not feel so alone. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

If you have experienced a stillbirth or miscarriage, please know that you are not alone. For too long, mothers and fathers have been expected to just pick up the pieces and move on, quietly suffering from the sadness so as not to make anyone else uncomfortable. To you I offer a…

Complicated math word problem for the insanely hopeful

Monday at work, I thought I felt a twinge in an odd spot.

Monday night, I went to sleep very early. Sometime in the middle of the night, I coughed in my sleep and woke myself up when my cough pulled a muscle painfully around my belly.

Tuesday I got a bloody nose at work.

Tuesday night I hobbled home from the leg cramps in my legs.

Wednesday I jumped at the chance to make cheeseburgers for Sam for lunch.

Wednesday night, I tossed and turned all night.

Thursday morning, while driving to work and thinking, "Could I be...?" I saw a crow fly across the road and land in a field next to another crow.

Thursday afternoon...

One week later...

One week later...completely convinced that I'm not pregnant. No symptoms. Nothing. I'm having terrible pregnancy nightmares and not sleeping at all. Of course, I've been sleeping for three days because of the stomach flu (and was the wasn't morning sickness...I know the difference) maybe I'm just not tired.


To the woman at McDonald's - and other unsuspecting souls

Don't give my husband a "look" when our son says, "Daddy, I'm sorry I don't have a baby brother or sister to play with."

It's none of your business and your judgment is as unwelcome as your pity.

Just let him get through the moment with dignity.

Just let him get through the explanation to our son without making him feel the tears forming in his eyes.

Just let him be.

He is a father to one living son and one dead one...trying to maintain that delicate balance between love and sadness.

You can't stop looking...this conversation isn't for you.


Conversation between me and co-counsel who I haven't seen in months:

A: Don't you have a brand new baby at home? (said with that baby-happy smile)
Me: No
A: No? (obviously confused)
Me: Ummm...he died.
A: Oh...I'm sorry.
Me: Well thank you.
A: I'm so sorry.
Me: Well, I'm sorry there's no easy way to tell someone that news. (really unco…

Bad dreams and no energy

It seems that everything is sucking the energy right out of me these days and I'm just not finding inspiration to write. I got word this morning that we are having a belated baby shower for my office neighbor next Friday. The stress of preparing myelf mentally for that is already taking its toll. I just don't know what I've got left in me. I feel the cracks getting a bit out of control.

I'm hoping that Friday will help bring me some balance. My mom and dad are going to watch Sam for the evening and Steve and I are going to dinner and a movie. We'll probably see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe...I think that's a pretty big-screen-worthy picture. But I'm still debating what restaurant to go to. Steve's letting me choose as an early birthday present (February Wednesday). He's such a great guy. Any suggestions? Remember, Steve's a meat and potatoes Chinese is out. :o)

Of course leaving Sam with my parents for the evening ha…