Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Make up for lost time here...

Have you ever heard that song by Tim McGraw with the lyric...Make up for lost time here in my next thirty years?

What exactly is "lost time?" Is lost time when your dreams aren't realized? Or is lost time when you stop dreaming? Is lost time when you're sitting still and quietly enjoying the passage of time? Is lost time when you wish you could have it back?

I began to wonder if the past 18 months or so were simply lost time. But that can't be. As painful as they were, they meant something to me...something that I wouldn't consider a waste of time.

I can see why people want you to "move on" quickly...they see you "wasting time" and don't want you to lose a minute. But what they don't realize is that there is no lost time along the path of life. The journey is what matters. We're all headed for the same destination whether we like it or not. And regardless of whether there are things I would like to change about my life and the path it has taken, it has never included "lost time." Every step, every second, has brought with it something to be learned...something that has helped me become who I am. The journey has been full and beautiful and sometimes heartbreaking. But that is life.

There have been moments when I thought my pregnancy with Alex was a monumental waste of time. And then there are moments like today, a day devoted to the celebration of love, when I realize that I can't honestly say it was lost time. It was time I had with my son...my beautiful son. There's no lost time to make up there.

And the time I have spent mourning his departure from this world...I suppose some might see that as a monumental waste of time. But I see it as spending some time in one place...remembering what was and what could have been. Sure, I'm not "moving on"...but who says the only moments worth living are the ones where you're moving forward? Sometimes, healing comes when we stand still and take a good look around us. Sometimes, peace can be found when we are still and silent. That's not lost time...that's quality time. And I don't think there's anything to be "made up" in quality time.


MB said...

I couldn't agree with you more. There are times that *I* wonder if I've wasted time, but the fact is that it's mine to waste, so there.

rach said...

couldn't have said it better myself. what is life, a big contest? no, we've got to suck the marrow out of where we are, today.

good for you.

Anonymous said...

finally, a more positive blog. time heals and i believe you are moving on. relish it.

Catherine said...

I think you missed the whole point. You don't "move on" when your child dies.

Sweet Coalminer said...

Life is not a race, but rather a process. Makes you who you are. And we like you! Alex makes you who you are, just like you made him.