Showing posts from April, 2006

Due in September

21 people responded to the question, "What is your fear/concern about birth?"

2 people are first timers who say they are afraid of everything.

5 people specifically mention a fear of stillbirth.

Interesting how things have changed from the last time the question was asked.

Big Daddy got to feel the beast move!!!!

That's right. Last night I was able to feel the beast moving around in Cathy's belly.

Keep it coming beast, keep it coming.

Uncle Tom

My Uncle Tom died this morning. Cancer.

I just don't have any more words right now.


There is no way around it. I'm going to lose it in these next two weeks and there is simply nothing I can do to stop it.

I think I'm doing so well...and then my husband very kindly offers to take a couple days off work for Alex's birthday and I fly off the handle with, "I have to save my days off for this possibility of a live baby...I have to look forward...I can't live in the past...what are we going to do anyway, sit around and be sad?"

I think I'm doing so well...and then I get the reminder card in the mail for my ultrasound and OB visit next Tuesday...and immediately feel like I'm going to throw up.

I think I'm doing so well...and then I have a complete meltdown in the car on the way to work because I have to go in early and won't be there to kiss my Sam goodbye (while he's not sleeping).

I think I'm doing so well...and then dear, sweet Jill excitedly announces that she's scheduled to deliver her new miracle on May 11th and I …

My brain is so fried

In my ever-increasing need for distraction I have attempted to busy myself with this, that, and the other thing.

I have plowed through almost all of the legal research requests sitting on my desk. Some of the older ones I'm going to "re-file" in the "been waiting so long for an opinion that I'm sure they don't care anymore" file.

I am organizing the Chinese auction/raffle fundraiser for the Public Animal Welfare Society (to be held on Mother's Day).

I brought cookies in to our Victims of Crime office Open House (store not THAT impressive).

I volunteered to make sausage gravy for the office breakfast we're having tomorrow morning.

I am altering a costume for a friend who participates in the area Medieval Faire.

I'm dragging my husband and a couple of the ladies from work to an Indians game tonight (the boss gave us four tickets he couldn't use).

I'm having fun. I enjoy everything I am doing.

So why don't I feel "better?…

I want to stay home with you on Wednesday, Mommy

Good God, does it never end? The guilt...the worry...the ever-increasing doubt?

For almost a year, I stayed home on Wednesdays with Sam. It started out as a self-preservation measure, as I wasn't at all mentally stable enough to deal with a full week of clients and co-workers. But it quickly morphed into something much more, when I realized that Sam needed it too. His little world had been rocked of its axis and he was struggling so very valiantly to try to regain his balance. Words like "hospital" and "dead" and "angel" popped into his three-year-old vocabulary much too soon and without any preparatory foundation. He tried to understand why mommy and daddy were crying. He tried to understand where Baby Alex went. He tried to figure out, in his own way, what this all meant for him. And in true Sam fashion, when the chips were down, he needed mommy.

So I gave him Wednesdays. We never did anything special. Mostly we hung around the house and played. Occa…

Insight all over the place

Step back, I'm about to get some more insight all over.

I'm ticked off that I have to deal with a managed health care company, the high risk division of my insurance company, the perinatologist and the OB.


Well, first, because it means I have to leave my safe world of denial and face the mental and emotional turmoil head-first. That's an obvious one.

But even more than that, I'm ticked off because I keep thinking, "Where were all of you when I was pregnant with Alex? Why did he have to die before you care about my/our healthcare?"

Now, don't get me wrong. I will do whatever it takes to deliver the Beast alive and get him/her home safe and sound. But I am soooooo beyond irritated that it had to be like THIS for someone to pay attention.

So who do I see about this anger? I've got a TEAM of people who are willing to cluck over me regarding all the physical stuff. But insurance still won't pay for the kind of counseling I need...and racquetball is t…

Happily ever after?

Why do we strive all our lives for love when, in the end, it will leave us anyway? What is it about that boy who is so cute that we must date him? That man that we must marry? That friend that we must get to know? That baby that we must have? Why pursue something that will eventually leave us and rip a huge hole in our lives and our hearts?

My Aunt Pat is saying goodbye to her husband of I-don't-know-how-many-years this week/end. He has terminal cancer and has been given "days" to live by the doctors. He is in the hospital and will never go home. This is how their life together will end. Their two kids will lose his guidance and their five grandkids will simply not get to know him beyond this week. He will become a sweet memory for all of them.

At Ted's funeral this weekend, I watched his wife cry for him and try to steel herself for the next few steps without him. I could sense that she was trying to find that mysterious hidden reserve of strength to allow her to keep…

The cost of happiness - Visa style

Parking: $5

Tickets for kiddie rides: $18

Exotic flavor lollipops: 3/$1

"Flashing thingie" to play with at night: $5

Greasy french fries and diet pepsi: $8

Watching the giant smile on Sam's face: priceless

Poetry in motion

There is something poetic about memorializing a man's lifetime with a festival/street fair happening just three doors down the street.

Tomorrow we say goodbye...and then maybe go ride a ride or two.

Ted would appreciate the fun, I think.

Funny how life seems so normal until...

You would think that with everything we've been through, we would be beyond saying, "But things like this don't happen to ME." But here I am. Long story short, the dog has some bad ick. I will not describe because it will induce vomiting in the weak-stomached and will cause nightmares in the squeamish (it did both to me).

The vet says he will recover with medication and extra TLC. It won't extend his life. He is, after all, according to the age chart on the wall of the vet's office, 90 years old. But he's still got personality, so we'll give him the best quality of life that we can until it's absolutely necessary to say goodbye. And yes HAS been that long since college. :o)

Anyway...when we discovered the ick...and today at the vet's office when the vet said, "These things happen a lot," I heard myself say, "Not to us. We're good pet owners. We take care of our animals like they are family members. There is no excuse g…

So...another day

Anam had her baby! Congratulations to the whole family!
The nurse came out to visit last night. She had my name wrong on EVERY SINGLE form. Yep...I'm going to trust my healthcare to these folks. (/sarcasm)

But the doppler worked! The Beast is running in the 150s. I'm thinking another boy.
Our old dog, Isaac, isn't doing well. I hope he rebounds, but I'm just not sure it's going to happen...and I'm having a hard time just thinking about letting go.
Tomorrow evening are the calling hours for our friend, Ted, who passed away. The funeral is Friday. I haven't been to a funeral home since I visited one to make arrangements for Alex. I'm feeling quite a bit of apprehension about it.
What do you get when you give three lawyers three hours to come up with a solution?

A 30-day continuance. sigh

Goodbye friend

Theodore P. "Ted" Stone

Funeral services for Theodore P. "Ted" Stone, 85, of Montville Township, will be 11 a.m. Friday at Burr Funeral Home, 116 South St., (Route 44, 500 ft. south of Route 6/Chardon Square), in Chardon.

Mr. Stone died April 15, 2006, at the family farm in Montville Township.

Born May 6, 1920, in Ashtabula, he had lived in his home, the family farm, in Montville Township, since 1933. He worked on that farm and passed away there.

He was an active member of the Montville Community Church and Hambden Congregational Church. At the age of 16, he became a member of the Civilian Conservation Corp, during World War II. Mr. Stone was the sole surviving founding member of the Montville Township Fire Department. He was a member of the Geauga County Farm Bureau, Western Reserve Co-Op, and former Montville Grange, where he was a past master. He loved to share fruits of his labors from both his vegetable and flower gardens. He also loved to spend time with his gran…

Questions from work.

Why am I the last person offered the assistance of the office intern when I'm swamped with work and have FOUR hearings this week?

Why would you think the refrigerator is off if you can clearly hear it running?

Why is the bathroom shade always open after you come out of the bathroom that faces the courthouse?

Some reading for the fathers

Too often, when a baby is stillborn, the story is all about the mother.

Here is something for the fathers.

We need to do a better job of letting them know they are not alone.

My convoluted thoughts

Rachel posted this a few days ago in a comment and asked for my thoughts/opinions on it.

Here are my problems with the entry...

On one hand it says "Birth is not safe."

And then goes on to say, "The other misconception driving this question is the fear that anything can happen! Anything! Well, some things are more likely to happen than others, and those things that are most likely to happen can be handled at home."

The disservice that the female reproductive medical establishment has done here is that they have convinced us that anything can't happen. At least it can't happen to ME. Those bad things only happen to OTHER people.

Home birth isn’t just about safety, it’s about not having a team of experts pressuring you to induce labor or accept an epidural or lie down quietly. It’s about having some say in what happens to your own f***ing body.

You don't have to run from the medical setting in order to have a say. This is a common misconception that a LOT of …

Do you know what this is like?

Some days I just want to scream at the universe. Nothing in particular...just rant and rave and yell like a lunatic. Do you know what this is like? Do you have any freakin clue? Do you care at all? I want to get in the face of every single person I see and let loose all my anger and frustration and fear. I feel such horrible emotions welling up...threatening to consume me. I just want to lighten the load.

But I don't. I remain calm and cool and collected. Never one to show too much, I listen quietly to others' frustrations and problems. I offer supportive advice in matters that mean nothing to me anymore. I smile and say all the right things to let someone know that I believe in them. And I only briefly let on that I feel like I'm dying inside. To which they respond with uncomfortable glances and a change of subject back to what matters to them. A civilized lunch suddenly feels like all the blood is being drained out of my head. I feel like I'm in a vacuum and I'm g…

This is fascinating

As I have indicated before, I'm truly interested in learning about the origins of various religions. This was posted elsewhere and I find it absolutely fascinating.


Many, perhaps most, Pagan religions in the ancient Mediterranean region had a major seasonal day of religious celebration at, or following, the spring equinox. In one religion, Cybele, the Phrygian fertility goddess, had a consort who was believed to have been born via a virgin birth. He was Attis, who was said to have died and been resurrected each year during the period MAR-22 to MAR-25; i.e. at the time of the vernal equinox in the Julian calendar.

Wherever Christian worship of Jesus and Pagan worship of Attis were active in the same geographical area in ancient times, Christians "used to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus on the same date; and pagans and Christians used to quarrel bitterly about which of their gods was the true prototype and which the imitation." Since…

Happy Easter


Happy ending

Orbit's new mom loves him and is spoiling him rotten.

And as a thank you, she sent the rescue a donation of $1000!

Can this get any better?!?!

I'm so sorry

Sometimes it's the only thing there is to say.

Please, if you haven't already, stop by Julia's place and offer up some good thoughts to support her.

I'm not so complex after all

Yesterday's anger has passed. You're right Jill...time for me to go into education mode myself. People who deal with people like me should know better. And since they so obviously don't, it's time to give them the proverbial kick in the ass.


I figured out why the gestational diabetes thing bothers me. It really is no big deal physically. I mean, I took care of it with Sam and I'll take care of it with the Beast. And, quite frankly, I could stand to lose more than a few pounds anyway (yes, I actually lose weight during pregnancy when monitoring my blood sugar...proof that I eat terribly when I am not pregnant and am not really at my body's true equilibrium weight...but I digress). But this morning I had an epiphany of sorts.

It's not really the counselor that I object to. I'm hurt by idiocy still, after all this time...but I can manage that. I do what I do...cry...and then educate. It's really not all that bad of a lifestyle for me. But I couldn&#…

155 > 120

Let the fun begin on the road to gestational diabetes!

Ain't this great?

And to add more thrills to the ride, the healthcare corporation who is going to "counsel" me on how to manage the gestational diabetes is staffed by the clueless.

Telephone questions:

You had a IUFD? a stillborn? My SON was stillborn.

This is what number pregnancy for you? three

So you have two living children? second son died and was stillborn

With your first, was that an actual delivery? excuse me? what exactly do you mean?

Was that a birth? a miscarriage? It resulted in my first living son but he was born via c-section

Why did you have a c-section? failure to progress

And the second was a miscarriage? No, he was stillborn

How far along were you? That depends on who you ask. 34 to 35 weeks

You had gestational diabetes before? With my first

And with the second? No

I could seriously have a field day with the lack of sensitivity and the ignorance exhibited here...but it'd be like shooting fish in a ba…

Weird Dreams for $100 Alex

1. Being in love with Peter Fonda...and he being in love with me (but not a sex dream...just hugs and kisses and love).
2. Playing Centipede with lauralu (don't worry Laura...I always lost).
3. Eating a huge salad made of pretty flowers.

No idea, so don't even ask. But it was an interesting night, that's for sure.

16 weeks alive - 11 months gone - 3 1/2 years my heart

I don't even really know how to feel today.

First off, everything is good with the Beast. Still alive and kicking. I can really feel him/her moving...irregularly...but movement nonetheless. So that took quite a bit of the stress from my OB visit today. I didn't have to worry too much about the question of whether we'd find a heartbeat or not, since the Beast had been doing flip-flops in thanks for the Philly Steak and Cheese sandwich I'd eaten for lunch.

And then there is the counterbalance to the relief and happiness. Alex was stillborn 11 months ago today. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of his sweet face...the feeling of him in my arms...the memories of being pregnant with him. But as the one-year anniversary of his stillbirth approaches, I'm trying to process my whole life...including the chapters that relate to my sweet baby boy.

But more than all of that, there is a smile and a big hug for me when I show up at daycare t…

Life's little coincidences

I was talking with new mommy co-worker today (I really should call her something else. I'll just call her R from now on, I think.). we were talking about our personal issues. Me and my insanity surrounding my upcoming OB visit tomorrow. Her and her concern over her ailing grandfather who is in the hospital and isn't do well at all. Naturally, the conversation travelled all over the place and we ended up talking about OBs. She knows all about my experience with my old OB and how during my pregnancy with Alex I was complaining that she didn't listen to me, etc. I guess, in all our conversations, I never bothered to tell her my OBs name.

So anyway...she told me her OB was a bit too far to travel and she was thinking of trying the OB who delivered her son last July, because she has a satellite office in a closer town (the same town my old OB is in). Now, I know we were using the same hospital system...and I only know of one satellite office in that I aske…

Age and Experience

I had a strange moment yesterday morning. We were sitting in our kitchen discussing possible home renovation plans with a contractor/acquaintance, Bob. This is someone who knows what happened to us but has never outwardly acknowledged Alex our our loss. Not making excuses, but he is an old country bumpkin type guy who isn't probably comfortable with any sort of personal discussion, let alone THAT discussion.

So anyway...he says, "Things changes." Steve and I looked at one another and nodded our heads in that sad, understanding way, as we both said, "We know." So Bob says, obviously not understanding the implication of what he was saying, "I'm sure nothing's happened to you that hasn't happened to me two or three times."

Now I don't know that he hasn't lost a child. In fact, it's quite possible he has. But in that moment, I felt as though the years between us melted away and my experience equalled his age. Suddenly…

Good news (snicker)

According to my online pregnancy calendar, "The chance of miscarriage gets much lower after this week too."

I'm just so relieved.

How hard is it?!?!

I bought some yarn to make a sweater, used part of one skein, and decided I hate the yarn and the idea of the sweater. So, I sold the yarn on eBay.

Regarding payment...I specifically said in two different places in the listing (in all capital letters), "NO CREDIT CARDS."

So what does the winning bidder do? Yep...tries to pay me with a credit card!

Learn to read people!

Oh, isn't eBay fun? Why do I bother?

I responded, "As indicated in my listing, I do not accept credit cards. Therefore, your payment has been denied. If you would like to pay by money transfer, I can accept that. Thank you."

And her response...

I am sorry.... any other time I would have the time to run to the bank and get a money order.... but since bidding on this item we have had an accident in the family (mother-in-law fell and is in Intensive Neurology Section of the hospital) and therefore am not able to make it to the bank right now. I do not have the energy (sp…

Hello Secret Pals!

Welcome to my blog Chauntel! I've enjoyed being your secret pal during SP7 and I hope you've enjoyed at least a few of the things I've sent (I already know the chocolate was a I promise I won't bore you with too much crochet talk. :o)

Now who is MY secret pal? I haven't heard from you in a while and you didn't reveal your identity to me. hmmmm...???

More stupid things people say

Steve's manager at work : Wow...x weeks? second trimester? You're out of the danger zone now.
And the prize winner...(been stewing about this one for a few days)...

The letter from the lawyer declining to take our case to court...

Enclosed you find all the records in our possession (none were included by the way). We understand that what you went through was a tragedy and we offer our deepest sympathies. In many ways, however, it is better to simply move on now than prolong the suffering by filing a medical practice action that may not lead to any comfort or recovery for the two of you, and, by all accounts, was a tragedy not directly attributable to the neglect or recklessness of any physician.


Definitely the Beast.


I guess they move up higher faster when you're fat and they don't have room down low where they're supposed to be. :o)

Well that was fun

I've just been a barrel of laughs here lately, haven't I? I guess a little self-indulgent pity-party is always the thing to clear out the cobwebs and start with a better attitude.

I THINK I've felt the Beast move. Don't quote me on it just yet, but I want to record the date for posterity sake. I failed to commemorate all those special moments with Alex and I deeply regret that there is no record now. In fact, this weekend, I'm planning on going out and buying a pregnancy journal! I probably won't write in it until after my appointment on Tuesday (just to be sure I'm not wasting my time...I mean, I thought I felt Alex move when he was clearly already dead, so it's best to be cautious at this stage...for my own mental health). I think it's a step in the right direction, even if I do say so myself (who better to be my cheering section, right?). A small leap of faith that things will be ok on Tuesday afternoon when we visit the doc is better than nothing…

I'm tired

I don't have the energy to think about why anymore. There are two schools of thought:(1) We deserved it...for whatever mystical reason/punishment; or (2) Shit happens.
It makes me sad...but I just don't want to think about it anymore.

I don't have the energy to pretend to people that being pregnant makes everything just peachy. I don't have the energy to pretend that I'm not still lost in my desire to have Alex here with me...not this baby. I don't have the energy to think about this baby at all. To wish away who is here and long for who isn't...what kind of person does that?

I don't have the energy to pretend to county my blessings. Damn it...I hate this and I'm going to hate it forever.

I don't have the energy to hope that what I've been feeling for the past three days is actually a living baby...and not just gas.

I don't have the energy to smile and say that I'm fine when someone asks me how I'm doing. Quite honestly, there are …

Things that make me sob

It's so strange the things that will take me back, or throw me forward, in time to an emotional place that I'm still not really sure how to handle other than with tears.

I was listening to some country song on the radio the other day on my way home from work. It was some song about a young couple in love (what else would a country song be about?) and heard some line about looking toward the future together. At that moment, I felt the sadness rush into my soul with such force that it literally ripped the breath from my chest. I haven't felt that intense knock-you-out pain for quite some time. Perhaps I'd just bottled it up somewhere and it needed to come out...whether I wanted it to or not.

When you are first in love...first married...first facing the world together, you look forward without hesitation. There is an anticipation that is so sweet that it far outweighs any fear and reservation that you might feel. No matter what happens to you, you are together and you know…