Tuesday, April 11, 2006

16 weeks alive - 11 months gone - 3 1/2 years my heart

I don't even really know how to feel today.

First off, everything is good with the Beast. Still alive and kicking. I can really feel him/her moving...irregularly...but movement nonetheless. So that took quite a bit of the stress from my OB visit today. I didn't have to worry too much about the question of whether we'd find a heartbeat or not, since the Beast had been doing flip-flops in thanks for the Philly Steak and Cheese sandwich I'd eaten for lunch.

And then there is the counterbalance to the relief and happiness. Alex was stillborn 11 months ago today. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of his sweet face...the feeling of him in my arms...the memories of being pregnant with him. But as the one-year anniversary of his stillbirth approaches, I'm trying to process my whole life...including the chapters that relate to my sweet baby boy.

But more than all of that, there is a smile and a big hug for me when I show up at daycare to pick up my son (a treat, since his daddy normally picks him up). And hour or two of sitting outside and blowing bubbles together...and all is right with the world...for now.

I can't really explain it other than to say that it's as though I'm shoving two magnets into a box with the ends that repel each other forcing the sides of the box to bulge outward...threatening to explode the box completely from the inside out. I hope the tape is strong enough to keep it all together for me.


Bronwyn said...

Glad to hear that everything is great with the Beast so far and that you still have things to smile about :) Wishing you peace as you approach Alex's birthday... I know how hard that day can be.

Completely unrelated question: We've got to get rid of the dog we got in November. He's just not a good match for us -- he needs constant attention and lots of land to run around on, neither of which I can give him! I've put an ad up on Craigslist and another similar local classifieds list, but I'm worried about screening any potential interested parties. Do you have any advice?

There are a couple of no-kill shelters around, but they are usually full and I was hoping to avoid the disruption of making Nelson go to another temporary place. But if that's going to be the best option, then I will try that route. Thanks for any advice -- it will be really sad to see him leave, but I feel bad about leaving him in his crate all day. He deserves a full-time mom, lol!

Jill said...

I'm so pleased to hear the Beast is all good:)

And there really is little better than the greeting you get in the afternoon at daycare.

I'm also hoping you can find a way to reconcile your feelings about your three kids in that box.

kate said...

Sending lots of ((((((hugs)))))) to you....i think the tape is strong enough, even though the box might leak a bit...

Kathy McC said...

Yay for healthy beast and smiles and hugs from Sam. Hope all continues to go well, and you have some peace as Alex's birthday approaches. (((hugs)))