I don't even really know how to feel today.
First off, everything is good with the Beast. Still alive and kicking. I can really feel him/her moving...irregularly...but movement nonetheless. So that took quite a bit of the stress from my OB visit today. I didn't have to worry too much about the question of whether we'd find a heartbeat or not, since the Beast had been doing flip-flops in thanks for the Philly Steak and Cheese sandwich I'd eaten for lunch.
And then there is the counterbalance to the relief and happiness. Alex was stillborn 11 months ago today. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of his sweet face...the feeling of him in my arms...the memories of being pregnant with him. But as the one-year anniversary of his stillbirth approaches, I'm trying to process my whole life...including the chapters that relate to my sweet baby boy.
But more than all of that, there is a smile and a big hug for me when I show up at daycare to pick up my son (a treat, since his daddy normally picks him up). And hour or two of sitting outside and blowing bubbles together...and all is right with the world...for now.
I can't really explain it other than to say that it's as though I'm shoving two magnets into a box with the ends that repel each other forcing the sides of the box to bulge outward...threatening to explode the box completely from the inside out. I hope the tape is strong enough to keep it all together for me.