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Showing posts from May, 2010

Happy Birthday honey

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You still got it...after all these years. :o)

No miscellaneous thoughts

There are no miscellaneous thoughts today because I spent the day at the zoo with my little family, including my parents. It was perfect weather and we had an amazing time. We saw giraffes and swans and monkeys and bears and lions and fish and dinosaurs...with Sam reading educational signs to us and Myles repeating the animal identifier over and over and over until the next animal. Sam posed for his picture on the "birthday turtle" statue that is actually a tortoise statue. Myles was deathly afraid of the dinosaurs. Sam asked me a zillion times if he could go through the amphibian learning maze and I declared at one point that we would never ever go to the zoo again...EVAH! And then we laughed and laughed. No thought involved...just being in the moment. It was a VERY good day.

8:56am

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He made me look it up for him...the exact time he would turn 8 years old. He is growing up so fast and I can hardly catch my breath. It is just so much fun to watch him laugh and learn and become his own little person.
8:56AM has come and gone. Now you are 8 years old, my Sam-a-lama. Eight years ago you changed our lives forever...made them better...made US better. You made me a mom and taught me more about life and love than I can ever put into words.

I love you to the moon and back.

The Greater Good

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(click and give)

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Sam and I went to Walmart Thursday to look at bicycles (can you believe he'll be eight years old next week?!?!). Anyway...we walked past the baby section and noticed some adorable baby summer clothes.

You know what I was thinking.

Sam said, "Those would look so cute on Baby Liberty (his cousin)."
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Elizabeth McCracken had a great line in her book. "Closure is bullshit." I literally cheered when I read that.
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I commented on Kate's blog that it would be ok...some day. But really...what do I know? Nothing!

I really need to not be such a moron.
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At first, I had a desperate need to have the baby's urn at home. I wanted it on my bedside table...but when we brought it home, I set it on the fireplace in the living room (where it remains).

The other day, I walked past and felt oddly puzzled at the fact that my dead baby's …

Might have been

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I had the yarn all picked out in case it was a girl like several people had predicted. But since we will never know, I made this and plan to give it to a friend who is due with a girl right around the same time I was due.
I think it needs booties to go with it. But first I have a tea cozy to finish.

Blame and Disgust

"And I thought what a good man he was, that he was so understanding, because, and this made me weep harder, because I knew, I knew that this was all my fault. My essential reaction was grief, but somehow the words that floated to the surface of my brain were: people are going to be mad at me." Elizabeth McCracken

You would think, after all, that I would have some significant insight into grief and healing. You would think, after all, that I would know enough to skip some steps. But no. Instead, I am stuck in stages previously worked through. Right now, I'm back at square one...where I get to blame myself. Except this time there is no hearing the chorus of "it's not your fault." This time the fault IS mine...and it calls into question everything I previously worked through about the blame I deserved.

The first time, it was easy to buy into the idea that it wasn't my fault. With a convenient target of a neglectful doctor who could have saved my baby had she…

Thank you Shanna!

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The books and the little bugs are lovely (the googly eyes make me giggle).

Thank you so much!

Choose your words

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Someone gave me a laminated St. Gerard prayer card that still mocks me from the business card holder on my desk. I told the woman who gave it to me that I didn't believe. But she said it was ok to take it. "Couldn't hurt," she said.

Prayer for Safe Delivery...Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day....

Can I give it back or would that seem horribly mean? Should I just throw it in the trash? I don't believe...but I also don't want to offend.
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Along those lines, I had a St. Anthony pendant hanging in my van. I don't want it anymore. Should I just throw it in the trash? I don't believe...but I also don't want to offend.
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God is good.
Prayers work.
(Or some hodge-podge of these two).

Then how do you explain all of this?
God is good...except when he is…

Nutshell philosophy

I read a bumper sticker once that said, "A philosophy that fits in a nutshell should stay there." (Yeah, I know...funny, right? I still chuckle about it.)

And there ya have it...the current target of my grief-induced anger...

Don't wrap it all up in a neat little bow. Don't give me a "nugget of wisdom" that is supposed to make me think. Don't spew some one-liner from an insprational poster. Don't, for the sake of my sanity, act like you've got it ALL figured out. The secret of life is just that...a secret.

So please...just don't.

Thank you!

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Thank you to everyone who helped me in my "deadbaby book quest." I have a stack of books to read through now. It's helping. To have words to read that make sense out of some of the jumble in my brain.

So thank you!
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I wasn't sure I was supposed to open this because it was pretty well sealed shut. But I had to know what was inside and I'm SO glad I was curious. It is just lovely.

Thank you Niobe!

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Thank you E! It is beautiful! (the picture doesn't do it justice)

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Thank you to every single person who sent a card or a note or an email or a good thought. Everything is going in Little Bug's memory box.
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Time warp

The last time we went out to a movie was on my birthday in February. We went to the same movie theater. Only it was cold and snowy then and I wore my peachy orange winter coat and my scarf and my boots. I was so worried about slipping on the ice that Steve parked in a parking space right up by the front door.

This time, I wore a light little top and my new black sandals with heels. We parked as far away from the front door as we possibly could.

I said, "I feel like I'm in a time warp here."

He said, "I didn't think...do you want to go to a different theater?"

"No. I can face this one."

We each took a deep breath, went inside, and enjoyed a different movie.

Sometimes it's just so hard to believe it was just a month ago it all went upside down. Sometimes I can vividly remember little details that were so unimportant at the time (but obviously must've made an impression). Mostly, I remember the happiness and the feeling that anything was possible.

Y…

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Just realized I left a small glass of Southern Comfort Hurricane cocktail sitting on my bedside table. I wonder if the cats will drink it and if they do, will it kill them?

(For the record...not they did not...and they are fine.)
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I talked with a client on the phone...and I just kept wondering, "Does he know? Did someone tell him? What if he doesn't know? The next time he sees me he's surely going to figure it out. Maybe I should just say something. But I can't...etc...etc...etc."

Don't ask me what he wanted...I can't remember ANY of our conversation.
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I bled for two weeks...ovulated...and now I have my period.

Every day I checked the toilet paper for blood. Every.Single.Day. I figured if it was all going to go wrong, it would be something new and exciting like a bloody miscarriage. Instead, our baby just quietly died.

And now there is blood.

I just can't put into w…

Exact Replica

I'm finding nuggets in this book that take hold and won't let go.

"It was very strange to have been so happy so recently, and I felt that if I puzzled it over enough I might be able to find my way back..."

That is exactly it.

Exact Replica

The lovely Catherine loaned me her copy of An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, by Elizabeth McCracken, and I couldn't put it down until I was finished reading the entire thing.

I won't write a review...because that's not who I am...but this line toward the end of the book had me weeping for the truth of it...

"To remember that he was dead, but to remember him without pain: he's dead but of course she still loves him, and that love isn't morbid or bloodstained or unsightly, it doesn't need to be shoved away."

I may be a freak. I may be the the thing that pregnant women don't want to hear about. I may always be a little sad (and say sad things).

But I love my babies. ALL of my babies.

I will not apologize for it. And I will not hide it.

Did that just happen?

I was in the produce section of the grocery story yesterday when a seemingly normal-looking guy next to me asked, "Can I ask you a question?"

Now, clueless guys in the grocery store are not exactly unheard of...so, thinking he wanted to know the difference between parsley and chives, I said, "Sure,"

Guy: "Well, it is personal."

Me: (not sure what to do)

Guy: "Who did you vote for in the last election?"

Me: (thinking he meant last week) "Umm...yeah...that is personal." (nervous laughing)

Guy: (staring)

Me: (taking a step forward...trying to get away)

Guy: (moving his cart in front of mine) "Well, let me ask you this, how do you think Obama is doing as President so far?"

Me: (really really really creeped out) "Umm...that really is a personal opinion and I think I'll keep it to myself." (turning my cart around and walking the other way...toward the safety of the well-populated checkout area)

Guy: (zooms his cart off towar…

Alex Gerard

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Little kid, harsh realities

My Sam-a-lama has had so many disappointments in his little life. I'm not talking about not getting that train table or that xBox360 he "had to have"...or his TV show being "accidentally" deleted from the DVR (I will NEVER admit it)...or not being good at soccer. I wish those were the only kinds of disappointments he had to deal with. No, my sweet boy had to learn, at three years old, hard truths about reality and the randomness of the universe that I didn't have to learn until I was THIRTY-three. He had to learn lessons of life and death and grief and coping that were far beyond his years. And now he's seven (almost eight) and he just keeps getting hit over the head with life lessons he JUST.SHOULD.NOT.HAVE.TO.LEARN.YET.IF.EVER.

I wish I could describe for you the look on his face when we sat in that minivan-I-love-to-hate in the rainy daycare parking lot and told him Little Bug died. Though I know he tried to be strong for me, I saw pain, anger, hurt a…

Perfect Moment Monday

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It's Mother's Day...go fly a kite

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Mother's Day gifts

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Sam-a-lama "worked very hard in school to make these" for me (his words).



And look what my amazing husband got for me...

Happy Mother's Day

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Travis Leo

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Miscellaneous thoughts

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Today I texted Steve, "We need to get a life."

And then, "Get a life...that's hysterical."

If it weren't for dark humor we'd have no sense of humor at all.
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It's been four weeks.
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I just watched Grey's Anatomy and suddenly can not breathe. Dr. Yang is talking to a little girl about what she'll do if her mommy dies. Dr. Yang says something to the effect that at first it's going to hurt a lot whenever she thinks of her mommy...but with time it will hurt less and less...until eventually she'll think of her and it will only hurt a little bit.

Here's the thing...if it hurts a little bit when I think of Alex...and a little bit when I think of Travis...and a little bit when I think of Little Bug...that's a whole lot of little bits of hurt.
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I read a couple of posts in different place…

Time for a color change

The old was getting on my nerves for the perkiness of it all.

I was going to use skulls on fire, but figured that might be a tad offensive.

This blue seems to match my mood pretty well right now...so there ya go!

So loved

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Today I feel very loved. The outpouring of support and kindness has proven that humans have an amazing capacity to love...and that love is a powerful healing force.

Today, waiting on my porch was this very large box...

Filled to the top...

From Sara and Julia (from Ohio to Boston and back)...

And this...this...literally took my breath away...

Thank you ladies. I can never re-pay you for what this means to me.

May 6, 2010

Instead of attending an optimistically scheduled prenatal appointment today, I'd like to ask for your help. If anyone has any of the following books, I would very much appreciate the chance to borrow them. Email me. Thanks!

Hope is Like the Sun: Finding Hope and Healing After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death by Lisa Church

A Piece of My Heart: Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death by Molly Fumia (Author)

Forever Silent, Forever Changed: The Loss of a Baby in Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Early Infancy. A Mother's Experience and Your Personal Journal by Kellie Davis (Author)

Love, Mom: A Mother's Journey From Loss to Hope by Cynthia Baseman

The Good Grief Club by Monica Novak (Author)

Gracie by Ryan Warnick (Author)
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On the way here...thank you!

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCracken

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Revised Edition: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. …

Today...tomorrow...yesterday

On November 19, 2008, I wrote this...
Last year I wrote about inevitability.

Tomorrow we celebrate Myles' first birthday.

I'm at a loss for words.

I feel peace where I didn't before.

But it also feels like there is something new on the horizon...something big and important...
I only know I wrote it because the title to this post was so similar that Blogger wanted to autofill for me. Normally, I would have ignored it. But right now it seems so...I don't know...creepy.

Strangely enough, that peace is still there somewhere. Maybe it's just a pleasant memory but I don't think so. It's there...I can FEEL it.

Anyway...that's not why I wanted to write this post. I wanted to write this post because I can't stop eating pears. And cottage cheese. And soup.

When most foods taste like nothing in my mouth, these foods seem to bring me alive again. It's magical thinking at its finest, I'm sure...sensory memories that make me feel better. Only they don't…

Yeah, sometimes she does

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Welcome to the world Baby Elizabeth!

So so happy for Delphi and her family!

Congratulations!

Battlefield

I went to the cemetery today. Just for a few minutes...just to remember.

I told Steve the other day that I can't really stand to visit there anymore because it's like a colossal monument to my failures as a woman and mother...it's like my own little battlefield strewn with the bodies of lost soldiers.

Alex

Travis

Little Bug

It's getting to be a lot like one of those Memorial Day remembrance ceremonies where they read the names and you think to yourself, "Is this going to last all afternoon? We have brunch reservations."

Individually, I still remember them as best I can, what with all the historical re-writes and the pickling of my brain from too much wine and ambien. All the insignificant details that will be lost forever as time erases them from my memory. I don't know whether to hope for that relief or not. What kind of mother hopes for the peace that comes from forgetting her children? And I don't EVER want Sam and Myles to think they aren't enough.…

Love in every stitch

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I entered a contest. I'm not sure I should have...but it seemed "right" somehow.

I thought it would be something I could do during those long nervous months of the third trimester. My second and third pregnancies had resulted in stillborn baby boys, so I planned to stitch something beautiful, donate it to an appropriate pregnancy-loss charity after our Little Bug was safely in our arms, and enjoy the restoration of some mystical cosmic balance.

And then it happened again. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. And I suddenly felt very cold.

So I bought all this beautiful deep blue yarn and just started to crochet. Single crochet. No complex pattern. Certainly nothing that would win me any prizes. I gave up the goal of winning a contest and just felt the familiar slide of the yarn through my fingers, the weight of the growing fabric on my lap, the rhythm of the movements used to create each little bit.

And as the inevitable tears fell with each stitch, I felt warmth again. Li…