Wednesday, May 05, 2010


On November 19, 2008, I wrote this...
Last year I wrote about inevitability.

Tomorrow we celebrate Myles' first birthday.

I'm at a loss for words.

I feel peace where I didn't before.

But it also feels like there is something new on the horizon...something big and important...
I only know I wrote it because the title to this post was so similar that Blogger wanted to autofill for me. Normally, I would have ignored it. But right now it seems so...I don't know...creepy.

Strangely enough, that peace is still there somewhere. Maybe it's just a pleasant memory but I don't think so. It's there...I can FEEL it.

Anyway...that's not why I wanted to write this post. I wanted to write this post because I can't stop eating pears. And cottage cheese. And soup.

When most foods taste like nothing in my mouth, these foods seem to bring me alive again. It's magical thinking at its finest, I'm sure...sensory memories that make me feel better. Only they don't make me feel better and I really want to stop (yes, I know, I need a little OCD on top of everything to just make this PERFECT).

Pears were from a happy time when my belly was rounding out with Little Bug and we listened to "Rolling Through the Sunshine" on the car radio as we went to our Easter Sunday picnic in the park...and we were happy. Soup and cottage cheese were the first things I ate after three foodless days in the hospital...after it was all over...when I needed something "gentle" on my system.

I remember when Alex died and I sought out the body wash they used to bathe him in the hospital. I thought that was a bit crazy. But THIS! I think there is so little to hold onto that I'm just grasping at straws here. There are things I don't want to remember (can't face)...but there are also things I desperately want back in this reality (not just in a memory).

But here's what's on the schedule instead...
Thursday, May 6 - The last in the series of two-week appointments crossed out of my desk calendar (scheduled when we were all feeling SO optimistic).
Friday, May 7 - No school- P/T conference compensatory day
Saturday, May 8 - Remembering Travis
Sunday, May 9 - Mother's Day
Monday, May 10 - C'mon, it's a MONDAY!
Tuesday, May 11 - Remembering Alex

And of course, we have the overarching, "it's been one month," additional fun to make the entire weekend just sparkle and shine.

Now which day should I devote to drinking? All of them? Sounds good to me.

Both my mother and my mother-in-law want to celebrate Mother's Day. I was able to be honest with my mother and tell her that I may spend the day in bed with the covers pulled over my head. She seemed to understand. Steve told his mom basically the same thing (she and I haven't spoken since Alex died...and yes...that means she has never even MET Myles). She chose to ignore all emotion and told him to be sure he calls her on Mother's Day. Yeah.

I mean, really...did you SEE that schedule for the next six days?!?! Just seeing it all printed there makes me want to slit my wrists. Thankfully, I know that the anticipation is often worse than actually getting through the days. But...still!

I had a very big cry the other day and I haven't cried since. In fact, I've felt pretty good. Despite the tone you may read this entry with, it's been written with no tears. But I know they're waiting to return...sometime during the next six days.

I think Steve and I may go get tattoos again. I NEED to add Little Bug back to my body somehow (other than through food). And honestly, the thought of a little controlled physical pain during this weekend seems somehow appropriate.

Well this entry went all over the place, didn't it? Sorry about that.

I probably won't blog much for the next six days. In fact, I think I'll just go ahead and post my memorial place-markers now so I don't even have to exert the energy for those on Saturday and Tuesday. And aside from drunken tweeting and playing Bejeweled Blitz, I probably won't be around Facebook too much. I just don't want anyone to worry. I'll make it through...I always do.


lorem ipsum said...

Thank goodness your mother seems to be understanding. I might have been driven to matricide over such urgings. (My mother insists on celebrating birthdays, even when I've wished I were dead. Nothing like spitting out the candlelight.)

And sweet thought about the tattoo. I was thinking about your little inky constellation the other day. Please post pictures when/if you have something done.

<3 eve

Pipsylou said...

I was wondering if you'd go get a tattoo this weekend. A friend from college lost her twin sister, and she said getting a tattoo to remember her was one of the most cathartic things she ever did.

this sucks, Cahterine. Don't have alot to say, ,other than, this sucks.

it shouldn't be you.

Hennifer said...

Thinking of you, holding you in my heart tightly. I see Travis and Alex's names on my calendar and I know Mother's Day is looming and I wish it could all be pretty and packaged for you and I know that isn't my place.

Wishing you gentleness with your husband and living children over this next week and the fire to do whatever the F*@k you want 8-D

Rosepetal said...

Thinking of you Catherine, through the anniversaries - I hate that there is an anniversary and even more that it's anniversaries with an s. Lots of love.

kate said...

thinking of you through these days. (((((hugs))))

Julie said...

Sending you love and I hope you can find some peace over the next 6 days. I think the tattoo this weekend sounds like a wonderful idea. I got mine for Caleb exactly 6 weeks after we lost him, and it felt good to be able to DO something for him. It's nice to have him always represented in some way. ((hugs))