I just want to celebrate

Happy last day of winter!

Let the garden planning commence!

My tulips are for crap this spring. But there is this one that is so beautiful...

Love my camera

Look at what I captured today...

Do you see the little dog in the background licking her chops? LOL!


I call this one, "Boys will be boys." What's he doing, you ask? Digging a hole for no other reason than the pure pleasure of digging a hole. And yes, he's wearing a pullover sweater and shorts. He dressed himself. I give him full credit for that fashion statement.


Of course there has to be a Myles pic. He was not so sure about the big ball of brightness in the sky. A northeast Ohio winter baby has to be reassured that the sunshine is a good thing...it's so rare to see it before May around here, it can be frightening.


And look what popped up practically overnight! I so badly wanted to get out and do some gardening. Sadly, I had too much laundry to do to get out and dig around. But I will...SOON. It's supposed to be in the 60s all week!

Spring dreams

It's time to start planning the spring planting. My gardens suffered horribly last year and flowers were pretty much choked out by grass and weeds. As soon as the snow is outta here, I'm going to get to pulling out the unwelcome invaders. And I'm creating my planting plan of attack early with the help of various catalogs and notebooks. I know several of my perennials will have survived the neglect...but probably not all of them. Instead of trying to chart my gardens out based on what I THINK will make it, I'm going to start some seeds indoors for transplanting where the empty spaces show themselves. Plus, I have some seeds I can just broadcast on top of the loose soil to fill in the blanks.

Here are the seeds I just bought...we'll see what kind of flowers I get. I know dahlias and zinnias grow well around here because the fair show every year is filled with giant displays of them.









Now...onto the vegetable garden plans...

My name is Catherine and I'm a re-gifter

My house is filled with chachkies...crap, if you ask Steve. And while much of it has not seen the light of day since the great house renovation of 2006, it still lurks in boxes all around the house, singing the siren call of old habits to me...begging me to place them out on every available flat surface. I have, so far, resisted the urge. But I am left wondering what I am to do with all the boxes of...well...crap.

See, I have this problem. I attach emotional meaning to every single gift ever given to me. My memories are intricately tied to the items that sit on the mantle and the bookshelf and the coffee table and...et cetera...et cetera...et cetera.

There's the spun glass heart on the musical mirrored stand that was given to me by an eccentric friend of my mothers at my bridal shower. For the life of us, we can't even remember how she got invited in the first place. So that always makes me smile.

There's the charming white wicker garden tricycle that I'm sure was once used as a small planter...given to me by my crazy grandma one year in my Christmas bag of "crap." I have no idea why she thought I would like it and I have no idea why I like it since it is totally not my style. But there you have it.

There's the ugly vase that was given to Steve and I as a wedding gift by a widowed friend of Steve's family (who I have never met). When it arrived, it didn't have a gift receipt...just the actual receipt...and we were shocked to learn that he had spent $66 on this ugly vase. Who spends $66 on a vase? Of course, that was back when Steve and I could live off $66 for quite a while. So we keep it as a reminder...of what, I'm not sure.

But this morning I gave something away! As a gift. A re-gift. The someone I gave it to has no way of ever even meeting the person who gave it to me so I feel relatively safe in that regard. And the someone who gave me the gift in the first place apparently doesn't know me all that well, since the meaning behind the gift was a bit confusing and I was left feeling no real attachment to the item. No, I'm not going to say what it is or who it was from or who I gave it to. I am afraid I would be outed as a re-gifter and hurt someones feelings if I did that. It would have to take an elaborate game of telephone for the original gift giver to ever know, as I don't think she reads here...but I don't even want to risk hurting anyones feelings.

So this is me. Feeling relief at being able to confess. Feeling guilt at re-gifting. Feeling happy I was able to make someone smile with my re-gift (and clear out SOME of the crap). Feeling embarrassed because I did admit the re-gift status to him. All of this over one chachkie. Good grief. I think I better find some plastic storage bins to store the rest in. If I even attempt give them all away I just might have a complete mental breakdown. (No smart remarks about that Steve...I KNOW what you're thinking.)

I had a nice long photo post about our wonderfully relaxing weekend and Blogger would let me post the photos. Since the photo post loses something without the photos, I opted for this lame post. I heartily apologize.

Chas - about that giant asparagus

Isn't it pretty now?

Consider this a blip on the radar

OK...I've gone 14 weeks and 2 days without really complaining. I have relished every bit as much as possible and have counted the many blessings I have in my life. I know I should be grateful and I am. I know there are far worse things that I could go through and I apologize in advance if I sound anything other than blissfully happy. Please just consider this my vent of all vents...a purging, if you will...for the early part of this pregnancy. One...and then I will go back to being happy and cheerful and positive and thankful...

~I have HUGE ZITS on my face that HURT!
~My hair is beginning to fall out by the handful.
~My pants are getting too tight but I'm not quite big enough to wear maternity without looking silly.
~My legs ache almost all the time.
~My belly is bruised and painful from the daily Lovenox injections.
~I am rarely hungry so when I do get hungry and eat I feel like throwing up because I overeat.
~I'm a mean evil nasty pregnant woman and my husband just may run away and hide from me before all is said and done.
~I have very little to say that isn't sarcastic.
~My back hurts if I sleep too long.
~My neck hurts...I'm guessing because I'm so tense.
~I have to get up to pee FOUR times a night!
~I'm tired because I have to get up to pee FOUR times a night and don't get enough uninterrupted sleep.
~If I don't pee often, I feel nauseous.
~My eyes are constantly itchy from allergies.
~I can not garden because I can not take any allergy medicine that doesn't knock me out cold.
~My hips hurt if I sit too long.
~My left foot hurts in some weird fallen-arch kind of way.
~I am angry and resentful that I have to go through this again.
~I'm terrified that as soon as I say all this something bad will happen and I'll feel guilty for having said it.

OK. That's it. Back to your regularly scheduled gratitude/happiness/insanity.

No thoughts

I swore I wouldn't watch Notes from the Underbelly. And then I did. And last night I laughed and laughed and laughed...especially when Lauren would unceremoniously fall asleep at the most inappropriate times and places. I LAUGHED, I tell you! (And then I went to bed because I was TIRED.)

I often read blogs where people say they are thinking of blog posts but they never actually write them. I'll be honest, I'm completely the opposite. I have NO thoughts running around in my head. I think this is a phase of comfortable numbness that I'm just going to enjoy for a while. Why not, right? There's nothing anybody can do. No time machine to speed up time. And really, there are so many things going on right now that I am enjoying that I don't really want them to speed by. [I would enjoy a time machine so that we could speed by the part where Sam thinks it is now funny to call his little girlfriend Ashley a "penis" (a nickname that makes her laugh and laugh and laugh). But I digress.]

There's just not much going on up in the dusty old synapses of my brain. I want to eat red meat and I want to watch stupid sitcoms and do some crocheting. On the weekends I want to sleep and garden and finish my house. That's it.

There are a few things that make me feel sad and somewhat isolated, but I guess that just goes with the territory of having dead babies. I do have this nagging feeling that nobody really thinks I'm going to be capable of birthing a live baby. And I personally have definite issues acknowledging this pregnancy. I actually said, "I'm pregnant," the other day and I immediately felt like a fraud. I hate that everyone around me has so much doubt. I hate that I have so much doubt.

So I don't think about it. I stick with numb.

I'm craving BBQ ribs right now.

Consciousness is good

I went outside for the first time in three days and it felt good. I was exhausted by the time I was done with my little walk to look at the flowers that have sprouted in my Alex and Travis flower gardens.

So this means...I'm conscious! And it's a good thing I'm feeling better and not needing sleep today, since the redneck neighbors are shooting and blowing things up in their back yard...and have been at it for three HOURS now (even with plugged up ears, that can get annoying). But it has given me time to catch up on blogs and some email.

And in that vein, I wanted to send a big THANK YOU out to my secret pal who sent this delicious Atacama Chilean Hand-dyed Alpaca yarn, Bee Bar Lotion Bar, and Wines of the World flash cards (now I can expand my knowledge beyond wine in a box).

I also want to send out a thank you to my friend Sherri who sent me what looks to be a real four-leaf clover. It made me smile...still makes me smile.


So the last few days have passed by without much to note. Lots of tissues, nausea/stomach pain, headache, and general achiness. Blah! But if the universe was intending a distraction from my obsessions...it worked. And no, I'm not becoming an overly perky, glass is half full, kind of gal. Just making note that I'm feeling less anxious and more grateful to be able to breathe. We just won't discuss the package of newly ordered and delivered maternity clothes that sit unopened on my kitchen table (and will remain unopened until after Tuesday). Small steps.

I do, of course, rightly blame Steve for getting me pregnant and sick. It's all his fault and he has been appropriately sorry...though he does seem to have trouble finding the "right" kind of popsicles (sugar free? why bother?).

Yeah, this is a little schizophrenic. Sorry about that.

Let's just look at more pretty flowers...

Roots and blooms

Grandma would've been proud of me. There I was in the snow and freezing wind, wearing my summer sandals, flannel pajama pants and my husband's quilted flannel barn shirt, clipping daffodils and putting them into a vase. After all, the snow would kill the blooms and that seemed like an awful waste. Steve really should have taken a picture of me...my family would have gotten a really good chuckle from it.

There are days when I wonder who I am...where I come from...where I am headed. And then I find myself in the middle of a scene like the one described above (and laughing maniacally), and I KNOW exactly who I am...where I come from...where I am headed.

This probably doesn't make sense to you if you weren't there to witness my complete shock at seeing my reflection in the grocery store window. Unhappy fat old woman wearing a frumpy suit...The lines on my face that map out the sadness I've felt for the last two years....The eyes that hold a look I can not adequately describe. Where in the hell did SHE come from? And how in the hell do I get rid of her?

There has been a lot of talk recently about the philosophy of "moving on." And while I will be the first to champion each individual's right to grieve in the way they see fit, the fact is that at some point in time, you HAVE TO move on. A friend once described it as time dragging you along whether you want to go or not. And I think she's right. Time has dragged me along to this place where I look like I've been dragged behind a bus. Maybe I need to start walking under my own power once again. Time to stop wallowing.

The self-imposed deadline for making family-planning decisions is quickly approaching. The house is almost done. I never would have been able to move that bed or that washing machine if I had been pregnant, so it worked out well. But now? Now what? I found a connection to my past and an interest in my future...in the crazy-old-Polish-lady tradition of cutting flowers before they freeze in the snow. Who would have guessed?

Now I just have to get through the beginning of May to the end of the snow...spring blooms...real life...real decisions... As easy as it was to rescue them, the daffodils will only last so long in the vase. But then again, even under ideal weather conditions, they only last so long in the garden too.

Why Oprah?

I was a Communications major in college. I specialized in television production. Maybe that is why this whole Oprah thing perplexes me so much.

Why is the loss community so obsessed with getting to be on the Oprah show? And why, when someone like Rev Run does get on the Oprah show, does the loss community pick it apart piece by piece?

I did not see the show yesterday...and I am glad I didn't, from all accounts. Rev Run and his family apparently have a different way of dealing with things than I do. But in reading the post-mortem on this show on other blogs and message boards, I find that there are two points that seem to cause people the most irritation...

First...the family never uses the dead child's name. I think that is sad...but if that is their way of coping then they need to be left alone to do what works for their family. Some people choose not to see their babies. Some people choose not to hold their babies. Some people choose cremation...some burial. It all comes down to personal choice...and healing (which we will get to in just a moment).

And then this...
"Oprah, you know how they say mourn and give 'em space? I'm not believing in that anymore," Justine says. "That mourning gives you more mourning, more blue, more depressed."

"I want the world to know that you're supposed to be grateful in all things," Rev Run says. "I don't understand what God did, why he did it, but I do know that I'm here now, I'm happy now, I'm here on Oprah, I have my children with me, and I don't have to keep remembering this if it's going to bring me down and send me into depression."

You would think this family just told people to go sacrifice chickens or something. Irate doesn't even come close to describing the emotion that comes bubbling to the surface when people (I've noticed it is particularly mothers) hear this. And I suppose I can see the harshness in it if you internalize this message and see it as some sort of judgment of your way of handling grief. But if I take a good, hard, honest look at it...it is pretty accurate. If you sit on your sofa and mourn forever, you will always be sitting on your sofa mourning. Eventually, as hard and as sad as it is, you have to get up and leave the safety of your grief and face the world head on. It sucks...and I doubt anyone would disagree with that. But you will never find joy again unless you actively look for it...unless you push the sadness aside and make room for life and happiness. And THAT, I think, is a perfectly reasonable message.

Which leads me to my point of confusion. If you don't have an inspirational story to tell...if you have no hopeful message to share...why on earth would you want Oprah to do a show about it? I see online petitions all the time for Oprah to do a show on Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Why? What exactly would this show look like? A bunch of bereaved mothers sitting on a soundstage crying and talking about how they miss their babies so much? Click. I wouldn't watch that if you paid me.

I WOULD watch a show about women who have turned their grief into something...Cheryl Haggard of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, Infant Bereavement Photography...Lisa Rebman, the MOM Project...Karen of Faith Hope and Charity Stitches, Inc...the women and men leading the charge to get stillbirth certificates issued to grieving parents. Someone with a message of healing and hope...not someone who sits on their couch grieving all day.

Look at what they are working on for future shows...
Up for a GREEN CHALLENGE?
CHICAGO ONLY: Do You Have Questions About Darfur?
Are You Confused by World Events?
Think you look EXACTLY like your PET? PROVE IT!
Is your home COMPLETELY CLUTTERED inside AND out?
Why Aren't You Happy?
What is Your Secret to Happiness?
Do Your Dance Moves Need Updating?
Is your BACKYARD, PATIO, LAWN or GARDEN a DISASTER
Creative Moms
How Do You Live?
Specific Question About Clutter?
Lacking Organizational Skills?
Are You in Desperate Need For A Spring Cleaning?
Need Help Downsizing Your House?
Schools That Are Changing the World
Inspiring Ways to Cope w/ the Loss of a Loved One
Ask Dr Oz about your children's health!
Does your child have a question for Dr. Oz?
Did our show INSPIRE you to help others?
Do you have burning questions about The Road?
Do You Have A Funny Home Video?
Is Your Child VERY Overweight?
How are you Paying It Forward?
Is your daughter showing signs of early puberty?
Do you have an Embarrassing Medical Problem?

Solving problems. Enjoying life. Inspiring us to be better people. All the show ideas have the same theme. Positivity. I just don't see Oprah changing the mold of her very successful show...and I don't see why she should.

Even if you dressed it up as an educational show...what would we really be educating about? It takes about ten seconds to deliver the message...It happens more than you think and it CAN happen to YOU. Beyond that, what would you talk about for the other 59 minutes and 50 seconds (minus time for commercials)?

If Oprah is so darn important, then there needs to be a concerted effort to support those people who HAVE done something positive with their grief. Instead of cutting down Rev Run and his family, we should be supporting them and their story. It might not be a perfect example of how WE choose to grieve, but few things are perfect in this life.

Thank you Secret Pal!

The candle and the alpaca yarn are both beautiful and yummy...and I have been wanting to plant some lavender and larkspur in my gardens...but I really can't wait for this stomach bug to go away so I can eat chocolate!

Let's look at pretty flowers

We had a three day thaw that brought 60+ degree temperatures and my first flowers (snowdrops). The giant snow piles melted and we were able to have the construction trailer removed from the front lawn and the construction dumpster removed from the driveway (yee-haw!). Despite the fact that there is a fresh layer of snow on the ground this morning, my thoughts have turned to spring planting. I have no specific color "theme" in mind...I just like pretty pretty flowers.

I want these...Who Dun It Dahlias. I have never grown Dahlias, but I always see such pretty ones at the county fairs around here...so they must do well in our zone.

I also need to add more bulbs to my tulip gardens. After five years, they're looking kind of sparse. I'm torn about what variety/color to go with. I have typically planted the standard tulip in red, pink, or yellow. I tried purple tulips in a second bed, but they were either eaten by voles or destroyed by the crazy snow plow guy. I am partial to the ruffled tulips, but never seem to actually BUY and PLANT any of this variety. I'm eyeing the Angelique for this year. But then, the non-ruffled white Purissima Jumbo is pretty too. Decisions, decisions...

And then, we must talk roses. It is a tradition to add at least one new rose bush to the rose collection each year. Whether the new rose actually GROWS or not is always an adventure...but I at least TRY a new one each year. Some years there are hand-me-downs from other established roses (friends and family). Some years there are expensive roses from catalogs. Some years there are the $4 specials at TSC or Walmart (which are surprisingly hardy and can even survive the mad mower's attempts to whack the snot out of them). No matter what I try, however, I have been unsuccessful in all attempts to grow a purple rose. I did, in fact, get the purple rose from Jackson & Perkins to grow...and it turned out to be a rather sunny yellow/orange/red combination (quite pretty...but on the other end of the spectrum from purple). So I think I may try ONE MORE time before I give up. This Royal Amethyst is just too tempting to pass up. And this time, if it doesn't grow, I AM calling to complain and get my money back (I did that with some plants last fall and the company sent me out replacements...I was quite pleased with the customer service).

Last, but certainly not least, I simply MUST add this Olivia Oriental Lily to my newly created collection. I never really thought much of oriental lilies before. But I planted some in bloom last year and they were simply heavenly...the scent just went on for ages. And they are so delicate and beautiful that they fill up the space where I would love to grow Iris but seem unable to. LOVE them!

hmmm...a lot of purple and white...I think I need to find some other colors to mix in there...

busy, busy, busy

Woke up this morning (always a good thing).
Did the mountain of dishes in the sink.
Got a Toys R Us coupon via email for a great toy for Sam for Christmas (a practically life-sized remote control crane)
Did one load of laundry.
Paid bills online.
Sent flowers to a friend in the hospital.
Ordered a gift for my secret pal (I know I just sent one...but I'm planning ahead...hehehe).
Met with the carpet installers.
Took Sam to lunch at McDonalds.
Sam told me I was getting on his nerves at McDonalds and made me cry.
Kissed and made up with Sam.
Went to Home Depot.
Bought a five gallon rose, regular price $20, for FIVE DOLLARS.
Sam expressed an interest in a basketball pull chain for his new ceiling fan (a great Christmas stocking stuffer idea).
Went to Walmart and bought a bunch of stuff, including new boots, a plastic storage tub, Christmas cards, and Disney's Cars.
Came home and put the groceries away.
De-cluttered the top of the refrigerator by organizing all four years worth of Sam's artwork into the new plastic tub.
Did another load of laundry.
Planted three Pardon Me Daylilies, Poppy Anemones, Neon Stonecrop (a gift from a friend), and some lavender transplanted from a co-worker's garden.
Brought the horses in from the front pasture.
Fed the horses.
Walked the dogs.
Fed the dogs.
Made hot chocolate.
Popped in Cars for the first viewing.
Wrapped a baby gift for a friend's new baby girl (a different one from a couple posts ago...lots of new babies around).
Fed the humans.
Started Cars over for the second viewing.
Took some Advil.
Ordered Cars wallpaper border for Sam's room (to hide the crappy red paint that I now hate with a fiery passion).
Addressed Christmas cards for card exchange.

I'm tired...but I feel like I accomplished a thing or two. And today I felt happy (except for the crying in McDonalds).

Good friends...a beautiful home...an adorable son...a hot husband...food in our bellies...a lovable menagerie...planning for Christmas underway...

A good day for sure.

Even pumpkins?!?!

I planned to grow pumpkins this year. But like a lot of things, it just didn't happen. Hell, I planned to grow a kid and that didn't happen. So I gave up the idea of pumpkins along with the idea of most anything else that required care to grow. In fact, I only got a few peas, tomatoes and peppers out of my garden because I just didn't feel that growing spirit in me.

So we'll go to the pumpkin patch and I'll smile and take pictures. I guess that's not so bad when you consider the long list of disappointments this year.

And aren't I a freakin' ball of sunshine? Geez...I don't even want to listen to myself.

I just want to buy a pumpkin without feeling sad.

It's only a pumpkin...not a metaphor for my life...really.

Faith's Lodge

In a sun-splashed room of a south Minneapolis home, young voices help warm the walls with breathtaking joy. Five-year-old Emmy and three-year-old Ally organize their dolls for a ball. Their mom, Susan Lacek, joins in, as their dad, Mark Lacek, takes in the moment.

One girl enthusiastically tells Susan, "You'll see if you get a card to the ball."

Susan responds, "Oh if we get invited to the ball!" "Yea, you are going to get a card," Emmy replies.

In this moment, that demands any parent to take a mental snapshot, Emmy declares, "Everybody gets two girls, and three dresses."

And the reality here is, there is a third dress for a third daughter who lives in everyone's heart -- but not heir earthly home.

"Her name is Faith," Emmy says. And her home according to three-year-old Ally is, "Umm, in heaven."

In a neighboring room, Mark and Susan reflect on another moment six years ago. "It was a pain that was so sharp and so deep," recalls Mark.

For months the couple had been anticipating the arrival of their firstborn daughter, Faith Ann Lacek. But on the way to a baby shower in June of 2000, the couple took a detour for peace of mind that would prove anything but peaceful.

Susan remembers, "We decided to just go into the hospital for, sort of an ease our conscience check, because we weren't feeling a lot of movement." It was then that the couple learned that just weeks before their due date that their baby had died.

Faith was stillborn a day later.

Susan says, "You're supposed to be looking forward to this great moment and instead you get the news, and your life has just changed in an instant."

Even more painful was the fact that Susan and her sisters were all pregnant at the same time.

Looking back Susan says, "I think that's when everybody in our family truly came to realize that having a healthy baby is just truly a miracle."

The laughter that bounces off the walls of their home is a reminder of the two miracles that arrived in the six years since Faith's death. The girls helped restore joy and hope, while the couple keeps Faith in their hearts.

Upstairs in the nursery, a special cabinet holds reminders of their first angel and first successful Faith-driven mission, which goes back to a keepsake birth certificate.

Susan asks, "How can you receive a death certificate, when you never received a birth certificate?" The Lacek's helped make sure families with stillborn children could get an actual birth certificate by helping pass a new Minnesota law entitling those families to certificates.

"We gave birth to them, just like any other child. The only difference was, we didn't get the reward at the end," explains Susan.

In Wisconsin's north woods near Siren, Faith has another birth certificate of sorts. Here on a country road, a sign in a driveway reads "Faith's Lodge - A Place Where Hope Grows."

Late in the summer of 2006, gigantic machinery began reshaping the earth and the future. As Mark Lacek watches the on-going work he says, "The dream is starting to come true."

This family that has borne so much pain in the loss of Faith, now plans to help others overcome similar tragedies in life. In the coming months, Faith's Lodge will be born. It's a multi-million dollar, eight family facility on 80 acres and it's going to be a place where those with critically ill children or those who've lost a child can come to heal.

Mark Lacek walks a trail on the property and as he comes upon an old bridge, he calls
it, "the bridge of hope." It is the Lacek's hope that through Faith's Lodge, others who suffer the pain of a stillbirth won't have to walk a path similar to theirs.

Mark recalls, "At the time we lost Faith, there really was no organized or central place where you could go to kind of figure out how to deal with something that you never expected."

At their nearby lake home, Susan Lacek still finds comfort in nature, while tending to Faith's garden. She says, "I kind of look at it as the time that I didn't get to spend with Faith."

And it is healing the couple found in another north woods spot after Faith died, that spawned Faith's Lodge. "It really hits home for me, when my mom or a close friend will say to me, Susan I think she'd be really proud of you. And that's when I realize exactly how much we've accomplished," says Susan.

Mark adds, "Because of (Faith), a lot of other people will have a much better experience either with a medical crisis or a loss."

While the Lacek's raise construction money, operational costs ranging from administration to counseling, will be covered by Ronald McDonald House Charities, Upper Midwest. Executive Director Meg Katzman says, "It really struck us as a Ronald McDonald house in the woods." She adds, "I just think it's a wonderful thing. There're really very few places in the world that are doing something like this."

For the Lacek's the lofty quest, all comes back to loss. Not only theirs, but others
as well.

The reality of that loss becomes clear during a family visit to an area called Babyland in a Minneapolis cemetery where Faith is buried. Susan notes, "That's one of the things that I never get over, when we come out here is you know you see a new stone, or you see a new grave and you think, oh my gosh, it just happened to somebody else."

The family has a ritual where they release a balloon to Faith. And this summer day, they carry on that tradition. One of the girls says, "I want to do the balloon." Suddenly, unexpectedly, the balloon slips skyward. Dad and the daughters say, "Whoopsie, whoopsie."

In such a serious moment, the two miracles offer relief that warms the heart. And in Faith's name, the Laceks intend to warm many broken hearts. As Mark puts it, "This is our attempt to make the sun shine on a very dark period."


By Greg Vandegrift, KARE 11 News

Faith's Lodge

Courtesy KARE 11 TV

Marking time for (a year and) four months.

Last year at this time I made a list of what I've been doing other than grieving...and it seems like a good way to pass this day as well.

~Still doing animal rescue...though slightly scaled back due to gas prices.
~Still crafting...though less for charity and more for gifts for friends with new babies.
~Still mystery shopping...this weekend a "conflict diamonds" mystery shop. Sparkly things and making managers uncomfortable...this is fun stuff!
~Still volunteering with Memories of Mariam...making free memorial items...mother's bracelets and commemorative certificates.
~Not so much cleaning. Lots of playing. Trying not to lose my mind in the mess that is my house.
~Watching the destruction/construction.
~Working on a NILMDTS database. I also just signed up to be a parent coordinator to promote the organization.
~Talking to my June 2002 mommy friends about a planned vacation in October. I finally get to meet them! I've only met one so far so this is exciting for me, since we've known each other for five years already!
~Trying to figure out how to get the airport card to work in our old iMac.
~Planning my new flower garden...which will be extensively worked on as soon as they stop driving trucks around and over the area I plan to put it.
~Shopping for all things house-related.
~Enlisting the help of friends and coworkers to find someone to give Travis' baby stuff to...someone far enough removed from us that we won't ever run into them.
~Trying to work...though not doing a very good job at it.
~Gaining weight and hating my body.

Four months ago our world fell apart...again.

Instead of excitedly anticipating the arrival of our son on September 23rd, we are ordering another headstone.

Sometimes life seems unbelievably cruel.

Boring boring boring...but I post it anyway

I am inspired to share what I will be doing this weekend...but...uh...not much. lol

Tonight I'm going to dinner with my hubster...who is currently enjoying ice cream courtesy of his boss...all in the name of a "meeting." I think we need to work on this as a concept for meetings around my work.

Hopefully before we head off to dinner we'll get out to the cemetery to get the boys' flowers planted. Red mums...Sam chose them because his favorite color is red. I love that kid.

We also have to hit Walmart to buy my mom's late birthday present. We're getting one of those firepit tables for her for her garden sitting/swing area. It comes in a set and there are four chairs. We're still debating how to split up the set, but we'll be taking at least two of the chairs to sit on our brand new front porch (if it ever actually gets built).

Tomorrow is the highly anticipated take-the-four-year-old-to-the-fair-to-ride-on-rides-until-he-throws-up trip. Should be fun. :o)

I'm also helping transport some dogs to rescue tomorrow afternoon...a good excuse to find myself in Erie, PA where there is no tax on clothing...cause I NEED some new clothes. hehehe But I can't indulge in too much shopping since I will be meeting up with the amazing Julie next weekend for some outlet mall shopping. I'm all excited and trying to budget for that.

Sunday is work at home day. I figure I'll have some tomatoes to pick, some weeds to pull, and Steve has some grass to mow.

Then Sunday evening I have to get over to help my mom pack up her glass items at the medieval faire she's been working at for the past six weekends. We didn't make it out to visit the faire this year...or last year...I just wasn't in the mood. Maybe next year...

And that's it. That is the boredom that is our life. I'm looking forward to it. I have to get OUT of this office. I've been sort of stuck here since I hurt my ankle and these four walls are starting to close in on me.

If I don't talk to you...have a great weekend!

I LOVE the Garden Center at WalMart

I just got back from the WalMart Garden Center Clearance sale. I spent only $24 on...

Two purple coneflower pots (with several plants in each...they just need separated)


One coreopsis (I think I got pink)


Three more asiatic reds


Two salvia


One white balloon flower


One pink balloon flower


I also stopped in the parking lot to pull out (steal) something purple. I'm sure it's just a weed, but it is really pretty and appears to spread rather prolifically. So I took two...we'll see what happens. (I had to plant them right away since they didn't come in pots...I'll get a picture when there's enough light tomorrow).

And I still have the gift certificate for mail order flowers that my June friends sent me. My flower gardens are taking shape.

Now I just have to get my ass out in the veggie garden for some major renovations (of the garden AND my ass).

And I need to figure out what that purple tree is so I can hunt one down and plant it before the summer gets away from me.

Things to do...places to go...people to see...

I'm getting the itch again to break out the yarn in serious fashion. I started looking at yarns on eBay yesterday and almost purchased some. I was only stopped by the email from our bank loan officer attempting to finalize our home remodel loan. So...this weekend is going to be some serious stash-busting. I still have that alpaca/angora yarn I got locally. And I have some silk yarn I got with a gift certificate from my secret pal during the last round (I think it was SP7). It's a real pretty deep red color. I think it might turn itself into a shawl of some sort.

Of course, all this crocheting or knitting will have to wait until I get all the breakables in my home packed up...and get the second floor cleaned out for demolition day. It's going to be weird taking down the crib...but that's a post for another day (most likely after the emotional breakdown I'm going to have. I mean, I've GOT to share all the ugly details, right?).

So I'm going to be turbo cleaning woman. I just hope I don't pass out in this heat. Have you noticed that it's hot? No...not hot....HOT.

And let's see...weekend plans are pretty full this weekend...

Saturday...
Secret shop for lunch.
Visit JoAnn's (hey...I've got a 40% off coupon or two I can still use!).
Doggy transport.
Weed the flower gardens.
BBQ with my family and maybe cool off in our little pool.

Sunday...
Visit my friend Mary and her family. (please, please, please say a prayer for me that I don't fall apart when I meet her new baby boy cause that would really suck and make us all uncomfortable, I'm sure)
Weed the veggie garden.

Aside from the two potential breakdowns, I think it's a pretty good plan for a weekend. But I REALLY want to crochet. I know I'll get some done while Steve drives me all the places we're going to go. He loves to drive and I love to crochet...so it's perfect bliss. Well...not perfect...but close.

Now if I could just find some time to spend with my sewing machine...

Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?