I swore I wouldn't watch Notes from the Underbelly. And then I did. And last night I laughed and laughed and laughed...especially when Lauren would unceremoniously fall asleep at the most inappropriate times and places. I LAUGHED, I tell you! (And then I went to bed because I was TIRED.)
I often read blogs where people say they are thinking of blog posts but they never actually write them. I'll be honest, I'm completely the opposite. I have NO thoughts running around in my head. I think this is a phase of comfortable numbness that I'm just going to enjoy for a while. Why not, right? There's nothing anybody can do. No time machine to speed up time. And really, there are so many things going on right now that I am enjoying that I don't really want them to speed by. [I would enjoy a time machine so that we could speed by the part where Sam thinks it is now funny to call his little girlfriend Ashley a "penis" (a nickname that makes her laugh and laugh and laugh). But I digress.]
There's just not much going on up in the dusty old synapses of my brain. I want to eat red meat and I want to watch stupid sitcoms and do some crocheting. On the weekends I want to sleep and garden and finish my house. That's it.
There are a few things that make me feel sad and somewhat isolated, but I guess that just goes with the territory of having dead babies. I do have this nagging feeling that nobody really thinks I'm going to be capable of birthing a live baby. And I personally have definite issues acknowledging this pregnancy. I actually said, "I'm pregnant," the other day and I immediately felt like a fraud. I hate that everyone around me has so much doubt. I hate that I have so much doubt.
So I don't think about it. I stick with numb.
I'm craving BBQ ribs right now.