Thursday, May 17, 2007

No thoughts

I swore I wouldn't watch Notes from the Underbelly. And then I did. And last night I laughed and laughed and laughed...especially when Lauren would unceremoniously fall asleep at the most inappropriate times and places. I LAUGHED, I tell you! (And then I went to bed because I was TIRED.)

I often read blogs where people say they are thinking of blog posts but they never actually write them. I'll be honest, I'm completely the opposite. I have NO thoughts running around in my head. I think this is a phase of comfortable numbness that I'm just going to enjoy for a while. Why not, right? There's nothing anybody can do. No time machine to speed up time. And really, there are so many things going on right now that I am enjoying that I don't really want them to speed by. [I would enjoy a time machine so that we could speed by the part where Sam thinks it is now funny to call his little girlfriend Ashley a "penis" (a nickname that makes her laugh and laugh and laugh). But I digress.]

There's just not much going on up in the dusty old synapses of my brain. I want to eat red meat and I want to watch stupid sitcoms and do some crocheting. On the weekends I want to sleep and garden and finish my house. That's it.

There are a few things that make me feel sad and somewhat isolated, but I guess that just goes with the territory of having dead babies. I do have this nagging feeling that nobody really thinks I'm going to be capable of birthing a live baby. And I personally have definite issues acknowledging this pregnancy. I actually said, "I'm pregnant," the other day and I immediately felt like a fraud. I hate that everyone around me has so much doubt. I hate that I have so much doubt.

So I don't think about it. I stick with numb.

I'm craving BBQ ribs right now.

11 comments:

Sherry said...

Hugs to you Catherine. I don't have doubt, I'm over here quietly cheering this little bean on to grow big and strong and come into this world with a nice healthy scream.

I'm here, and I think of you often *hugs*

pipsylou said...

It's funny, I actually have no doubt about this pregnancy. Do you think it's your doubt you're projecting onto others? Wow, psychobabble at its finest. Anyway, I fully expect this little baby to be born beautifully and ALIVE, just as Sam was. Your body IS capable of this!

Sara said...

I do have this nagging feeling that nobody really thinks I'm going to be capable of birthing a live baby.

Oh, do I ever relate to that feeling. And I hate that I might think they're right.

Your son can join my nephew, who has been calling everyone "d*mn a*s" for months and cannot be stopped.

Marcia said...

OK, remember that steak that Steve promised but didn't deliver a week or so ago? Tell him he can make up for it by taking you out for ribs tonight!! :)
And, just for the record, and if you are keeping a log of opinions, I predict a very much alive, fat and sassy little girl to come screaming into your lives...on or about Dec 20, in time to be home for Christmas!

sweetcoalminer said...

I only had one early loss, and when I told my family about this one, each individual member separately demanded ultrasound confirmation. Did nothing for my confidence.

And, when Mimi was born, my mom and my dad were SHOCKED.

I didn't utter the word "pregnant" out loud until after ultrasound confirmation, and then it was tentative.

It must feel a hundred times more acute to you.

I know you can have a live baby, and I am just so excited for you and proud of you.

I have had some trouble posting on your blog (and maybe this will post and maybe not), but I wanted to say that I know you've had a rough May, what with grieving two sons and being exhausted, but you are doing a wonderful job!

Sweetcoalminer

three minute palaver said...

"I do have this nagging feeling that nobody really thinks I'm going to be capable of birthing a live baby."

Oh Boy can I relate to this sentiment! I'm nearly 28 weeks gone and still I can sense all around me have next to no confidence I can birth this baby alive either. ( and just quietly, some days I am not so confident in my bodys ability to do it either).

Oh and for the record, I also think your expecting a girl this time around. A big, healthy, beautiful girl born either the 8th or 9th of Dec. My money's on it!!!

BasilBean said...

"I think this is a phase of comfortable numbness that I'm just going to enjoy for a while."

Yes! Enjoy it! And enjoy some ribs, too. That is what I made for dinner last night, actually, and it was yum:)

I have no doubts about you bringing home a baby in December, but I guess it is easy for me to feel that way since it doesn't involve me. If it were me I would be praying that the "comfortable numbness" could seep into every cell for the entire pregnancy.

Mad Mommy said...

i understand how meaningless it is, of course, but it feels to me like it's happening. happy numbness, and have some meat for me, since i'm dying for some.

Bronwyn said...

(((Big hug))) Don't worry about having doubts -- we'll keep the faith for you, so you're free to ride the roller coaster of emotions wherever they take you! You've got your own personal cheering section, here!

Typingfool said...

Have all the doubts you want, there are more people than you could shake a stick at out here cheering you and the little one on. Here's to that baby girl in December! Cheers!

Jill said...

It was after Caitlin was born that every man and his dog told us they thought we were mad for trying again after it was clear that we were dead baby people now. This pregnancy of yours feels *right* somehow, if only because it happened inspite of trying to avoid it. A baby even more determined than his/her mum. Scary! LOL:)

Sam's pet name for his girlfriend had me in stitches. What a smooth operator you have there;)