Showing posts from August, 2005

Can you imagine?

People searching for loved ones on the internet. Not knowing if they will find them alive or dead.

There are some things worse than the crisis in my life. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.

Tiredness and loathing in Ohio

This is going to be a rambling mess...much like the compartments in my brain right now...leaking from one to another with no barriers to separate and organize.

I'm running on empty. I don't sleep well. I can't concentrate when I'm awake. I'm irritable and ready to kill someone or something. I tried to find a racquetball club to join so I could smack the snot out of a rubber ball and I couldn't afford the membership fees.

What irritates me and drives me to blog these days? My family can turn a quick trip into Walmart into an hour long ordeal. Why, oh why, does he have to use a different cup every single time he gets another drink? My son has mastered the art of the never-ending three-year-old whine. People want me to be out and about and I just don't feel like it.

All I really want to do is spend the day tucked up in my bed with the covers over me.

But I have to keep going. I have to keep moving. A rolling stone, and all that.

I don't want to pi…

I'm too impressionable

I watched an episode of CSI the other night in which they pulled a maggot out of the ear of a corpse. I've been having a creepy crawly feeling in my right ear ever since.

I'm not feeling particularly bloggy lately. I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record. And I keep hearing people tell me, "Well, you can't base things on your one bad're the exception, not the rule." Does being an exception and not the rule make it any less real to me? I mean, it DID happen...didn't it? Maybe this is one of those times I need to ignore what everyone else says/thinks and go with my gut...and blab incessantly about stuff that nobody but me cares about. Hell...everyone else is taking up cyberspace...why not me and my repetitive crap? What would my mother say to that? "If everyone else jumped off a pier, would you do it too?" lol

When I was pregnant with Alex, I could conjure an image of a nice warm, sunny beach somewhere a…

What to feel?

I'm afraid to forget. And yet, I'm afraid to remember. There is no comfortable in-between place where I can survive.

How do I do this? How do I find my way every single day for the rest of my life?


Now I'm having fun. I should be working.

Anyone know why something would preview correctly in blogger but not show up when published? When I preview, I have a pretty blue background. When it's published, it's all white. hmmmm...

I guess I'll just go with white for now. I have a headache and I really need to get some work done today.

I'm baaaaa-aaaaaack!

Wireless and all! woo hoo! This is fun! I can now watch the Cubs lose AND post on my blog. I feel like a new woman.

But then I changed back to the blue. I started to have some Internet Explorer issues with the new computer and the new flower template. So, now I feel like the same old me. (sigh)


I followed the school bus in on my way to work this morning. We stopped at this house where the whole family was standing outside, seeing little Bobbie off to his first day of school. Not just mom and dad and little sis...but also TWO grandmas and what looked to be two aunts. It was a truly bittersweet moment for could see it on her face. The joy that her baby had grown and was taking his first really independent steps in the world...and the sadness that her baby had grown and was taking his first really independent steps in the world. She took his picture as he boarded the bus so she could remember this moment on this day forever. While I'm sure he'll be thrilled with that when he's sixteen, there will come a time later in his life when he will understand and he'll look at that picture, smile, and remember all those who loved him standing on the front porch and waving goodbye for the day.

Congratulations B!


I was just reading your blog and knew exactly what you were going to say about your pet peeves in life before I read them - spelling and grammar! Maybe it should be you and not me beginning to teach High School English this coming week. Those are my pet peeves too-but you were always more meticulous than I was!

How are you all doing? I think about you a lot. More than you would ever guess probably. I have not known how to tell you, or even when to tell you this. I am eighteen weeks pregnant. It seems about the time you lost Baby Alex we were finally able to conceive. I have seen Alex as our Angel too. I cried so hard the day I received your email about the baby, and then when I realized that I was pregnant and the timing I cried again. I have read your Blog every week, reading about what is going on with you. I know that you experienced a great loss, and that even though I had a miscarriage four years ago and I thought I would never be able to have a baby, that I could n…

Stupid things people say

OK...I'm a nit-picker...I admit it. I have a lot of pet peeves and I can't stand it when people do certain things. It drives me up a wall. Grammar and spelling are generally my two biggies on the internet. But the other is me a favor and just plain make sense, would ya?

Some of the people who read this will know that I was lurking on a message board in order to have seen this. And to those people I will tell you this...this is why I can't be on that message board right now...these are the kinds of reactions I have to the posts there.

I read this post titled, "The carpet was pulled out from under me today." And while I sympathize with the person's dilemma presented in the text of the post, the title has me ready to scream. The carpet?!?! Really?!?! If you're going to use cliches, at least GET THEM RIGHT! It's a rug...not carpet! How exactly would the carpet be pulled out from under you? I have pulled up carpet...and it's a fr…

Lest you think I don't laugh

We were all snuggled up in bed watching Thomas the Tank Engine for the zillionth time on the now lightening-fried-green-and-purple-television. The bedside lamp was the only other light in the house. I had my eyeglasses off and was staring lazily at the green and purple blobs I know to be train engines, chugging around on the screen.

Suddenly, I saw this rather large dark blob flap across the room, diving close to the bed and returning to ceiling level to flit around and come to rest on the window curtain. I said, "What was that?" My dear son, the apple of my eye, whom I adore with everything I have, claps his hands excitedly and bounces up and down while proclaiming, "It's a bat, mommy!" He has recently discovered the joy of bats flying at dusk, both at our house and out from the cracks in the siding at grandma and grandpa's house. It's a wonder of nature that he simply adores. I would too...outside of my bedroom. He obviously had no idea how a…

Baby Alex has a new neighbor.

Sixteen-year-old Brittany Collier died in a car accident on Sunday, August 14, 2005. As I visited Alex on Tuesday afternoon, I saw her grave, covered with dozens of flower arrangements and thought about who she might have been. I saw on her temporary grave marker that she was a teenager...and I began to think about her family...and all those she must have left behind to mourn her passing.

I wonder how her parents are her younger brother is doing. I'm incredibly sad for all of them. But I'm particularly sad for Brittany's mother because I know the questions she will ask as she sits in that place, not so far from where I sit.

I hope that she finds peace along her journey of grief.

This sucks

(to borrow a phrase from my brother)

I was all set to have my bologna sandwich on white bread with cheese and Miracle Whip. But I discovered I left the damn jar of Miracle Whip sitting on the counter at home. Now my day is is the Miracle Whip most likely.
As I folded each piece of baby clothing and laid it out on the table in my parent's well-loved garage, I could see all the moments flash before my eyes.

The shopping trips with my mom, excited to become a grandma for the first time. Her laughing and saying, "You're my best hope for grandchildren."

My baby shower, peeling back the tissue paper to reveal the thoughtfulness of the person who gave the gift.

Washing the baskets of baby clothes, folding each piece, and putting them all away in the wardrobe in anticipation of his arrival.

Dressing my Sam in each one...pajamas, onesies, little socks, tshirts, his Curious George romper, his Mommy's Little Monkey romper...

Frantically scrubbing the vomit or poop stains with Shout.

Watching Sam perform all his "firsts" in each piece. The outfit he came home from the hospital in. The striped Old Navy "prison uniform" that he stood up for the first time in. The plaid preppy romper that he cruised t…


I have learned to accept the sadness and I am coping with it. The anger is less intense and I'm coping with that too. I'm working on the jealousy as well...though I still have a way to go, I really feel like I can conquer it (or at least leash train it to sit and stay when I need it to).

I can not seem to get a handle on the emptiness. That feeling that there is something missing...that hole that nothing seems to fill up. Looking backward doesn't do it...looking forward doesn't do it. It's an ache in my chest (my heart?) that is always there. I could learn to live with it, if it didn't paralyze me everytime I feel it. I'm literally unable to function when it grabs hold of me.

There is no way to describe it to someone who hasn't been there. It's just emptiness.

It's like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and shouting hello...only to have the sound echo off the walls and eventually fade away. Where does it go? What happens to it?…

Ask the pediatrician

I almost forgot! Here's a gem from Friday that I think you'll appreciate...

All the books on grief tell you to ask your pediatrician about how to help your living child deal with the death of a sibling. All the books say to consult with the pediatrician about how to handle the possibility of another pregnancy.

Now let me tell you what you will get from your pediatrician...

A look of "I'm so sorry to hear that"...and advice to pretend nothing happened or is happening. Yes, you heard me right...pretend like nothing happened or is happening. His advice? Break Sam of the "I want up" habit now, so we won't have to explain why I can't pick him up if I get pregnant again. And THEN, when my belly starts to grow, explain it as little as possible so that if we experience another loss, we won't have to deal with it or worry about it.


I just don't even know what to say. I wanted to grab him by the throat, this highly tra…


I'm feeling a bit twitchy this morning, as I've been a whole 48 hours without internet access. It seems the lightening storm we had Saturday knocked our local server offline...and nobody works out here on the weekends. We called Adelphia to inquire about when service would be restored and they're sending a technician Saturday. In all fairness, he could have come out Wednesday, but I postponed it in order to (1) get "The Bug Guy" out to take care of the nests of yellow jackets in our yard (discovered via foot and lawn tractor was NOT pretty); and (2) get myself organized for the big garage sale this coming weekend. Yes, we're having a garage sale. My need to purge has taken over full force and everything must go! It's sitting in my basement and it makes me cranky to look at. So I'm selling whatever I can sell. And there are certain things I just don't need that make me more cranky than others...a double stroller, for…

Randomness or common sense

So I'm all ready to buy into the theory that God doesn't CAUSE bad things to happen to us, but he can't protect us from them either. The idea is that he created order in the randomness, but there are still pockets of randomness out there that we have to deal with. Of course, we don't notice the randomness when things are good, we see it as good luck or good fortune or good choices. When things go wrong, however, we definitely notice it...and that's when we have to start questioning our belief in God, etc.

But today, today I had a day that makes me wonder about all of that. Today, when I had PROMISED my Sam that I would be at his doctor's appointment, I ran into three, count 'em THREE, road construction project delays. Everywhere I turned, there I was, sitting in traffic, getting later and later.

I did eventually arrive at my destination...five minutes late. And I was even more thrilled than Sam. I've never broken a promise to him and, for some reas…

Look at me - Don't look at me - Talk to me - Don't talk to me

Did you ever notice that there are essentially two types of people in the world? There are those who think they are different and don't mind telling you all about how they are different...when really they're pretty average. Then there are those who think they are nothing special and shy away from the spotlight at all costs...when really they are pretty amazing people who deserve far more credit and recognition than they get. Lately, I find myself irritated with both kinds of people. Probably the reason I should stay locked up in my tower and not let my hair down for someone to climb up and rescue me.

The people who tell you (seemingly incessantly) that they are somehow unique, somehow special make me want to scream, "We get're special...good for you!" I mean, are people really so insecure as to have to tell you all about every little insignificant thing that makes them above the rest of us mere mortals? It's a bit perturbing because there is t…

Our Baby Alex

Thank you Dana.

Random thoughts


I took Sam on his very first trip to the library yesterday. He loved it not for the wide assortment of books available (in fact, I got in trouble because there were no Arthur books available), but for the puzzles and toys in the kids area and the giant fake tree with a spiral staircase inside that leads up to the kids loft area. He made my heart smile when he put his foot on the first step up, looked at me standing outside the door, and said, "I don't want to go up." I assured him I would be right behind him and he said, "ok...great!"

Of course, by the end of our hour-long visit, he had not picked out a single book (I picked out six books for him) and he was yelling, "I want to go NOW!" So much for the pre-visit "library whisper voice" lesson.


The force of gravity is too much today. I feel like my shoes are being sucked into the earth with every step I t…

An apology to my readers

I have to admit that I haven't been reading your comments to some of my posts. I think it's partly because I'm still thinking along the lines of this being my journal, rather than this being an interactive process where other people are actually interested and responding. I do appreciate all the thought you have obviously been posting in your comments and I have now read all of them (took me a while). I'm not sure if I should respond in comments or in seperate posts, so I'll catch up here and then make it my policy to respond in comments where appropriate.

deadbabymama - I'm not even sure if I'd have had another one at all, but my reality now is what it is and I'm having another baby.

This is absolutely where I am headed...I think. Can you tell I'm committed to my point of view? I guess I'm stuck on the question, "Why do I want to have another baby?" My mother told me that if I waited to have my first baby until I was "ready,…


I don't know if my Dad reads my blog or not, but just in case he does...

The tomatoes are fabulous!

It is what it is

Sometimes a friend says something in an email that I think should be shared. I don't think she'll mind...all identifying information has been changed to protect the innocent. :o)


I read your post today and the "Son in a Box" one, and I wanted to respond. You know, even for me, I have moments when I look at my kids and think, "If I hadn't miscarried the first baby, I wouldn't have these two children." Then I begin to think I am a monster because I can't imagine my life without these two specific children, and it scares me to think that if the first baby had lived to term, I wouldn't have either S or L, most likely. I might have two children, but it's highly unlikely either would have been the children I have now. Do I wish the first baby had lived and that S had never been conceived? Am I evil if I say no? And it gets all confusing and sad, and I feel guilty.

But then I rea…

Million Dollar Baby

The lawyer told us a story last night, to illustrate his understanding of how unsatisfying wrongful death cases are.

He represented a woman whose husband drove a flammable gas truck for a living. He was driving it up I77 when it exploded. He was vaporized. They found parts of the truck engine a mile away.

The wife won a seven figure verdict.

When the "award" was announced, she just sat there, she didn't smile and she didn't say anything. Following the trial, when they would talk to her, she would never ask about the money (when it would come, etc).

She's in her 60's and she was going to retire with her husband this year.

She pursued and won the "justice" that was available to her...for her husband.

But it won't bring him back. Her life will never be how it was supposed to be.

The lawyer seems concerned that our case has to be able to "make" enough to make it worth the time and energy (and money). I told the lawyer I understand h…

Just when I was doing so well

I have a particularly difficult client. He thinks his issues are the only thing on my schedule and I should always take his calls and always take a meeting with him when he just drops in unannounced. Today he reamed me a new one for "lack of communication." My boss, overhearing the massacre of what is left of my self-esteem, stepped in as my knight in shining armor. Hell, I'm ONE person and I currently represent the entire county and all its townships ALL BY MYSELF! I'm doing the best I can prioritizing and getting things done.

And I was good with his explanation, until he squeezed in the middle of the explanation, "Catherine...(pause, not sure how to say what he wants to say)...has had a rough summer." Like I had the flu. Like I'm just not keeping myself together for no reason. Like it was no big deal. Not like my baby died and I'm completely shredded and incapable of caring about your damn problems that don't amount to a hill of bean…

Tonight we meet a lawyer

I feel like Alice must've felt when she fell through the rabbit hole. I look around and wonder what has happened to my life. Surely, this is all just some nightmare and I'll wake up and everything will be as it should?

When I was sixteen and I worked at Discount Drug Mart, one of my managers, Frank, had finished his first year of law school and quit because he realized it just wasn't what he wanted to do. I remember him saying, "Some of the dumbest people I've met are lawyers." I thought that was funny...and rude...but I remembered it. Frank was right. I don't particularly care for lawyers as a group. There are exceptions, and I count those people as friends. But generally, for every good person who is a lawyer, there are two or three who are like the sleazy characters you see on television. I hope this guy is normal and not sleazy.

Funny, I haven't thought of Frank in years. He died suddenly when I was in college (more than ten years ago now)…

Questioning myself

This is one of those posts where I ponder the vastness of the questions surrounding the rest of my life, particularly the pregnancy and children aspects.

What IS the appropriate time to mourn for a baby that was never born alive? Everyone says it depends on your mental and physical healing...but that is really not helpful at all. Yea, yea, your instincts. My instincts didn't do me a damn bit of good last time, so I'm not sure trusting them right now will provide me a moment of peace or comfort.

If I have another baby, I feel like I'm a fraud. Like I wanted Alex, but I can't have him, so I'll settle for a different baby. We were only supposed to have two...Alex was our last. So will I look at any subsequent child like a a compromise child?

It's not that I doubt I will love any baby we welcome into the world. It's that I don't ever want that child to feel like s/he wasn't supposed to happen...and only w…

Stupid studies

Stillbirth as risk factor for depression and anxiety in the subsequent pregnancy: a cohort study.

I've really got to figure out how to get money to do one of these studies. I mean seriously! Use your common sense people!

Oh...but it's even better...there is actually debate...

Stillbirth as risk factor for depression and anxiety in subsequent pregnancy - Letter to the Editor

My favorite quote...
Depression after stillbirth may simply reflect normal process of grieving

Again, I gotta say...ya think?!?!

My OB (the one I'm not too happy with) never offered me any sort of counseling after Alex died. The hospital where he was delivered never offered me any sort of counseling either. The perinatologist said, "If you walked out here on the street and got hit by a bus, we wouldn't just pick you up, brush you off, and send you on your way. You have been hit by the emotional equivalent of a bus. You should at least be offered some services to help you cope." So off I go…

Nothing to say

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I had nothing to write. I thought and thought and thought...and nothing. As with everything else along this path, I have no idea if this is a good or bad thing.

Last night we watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Here is the bio of the family that was profiled...

What started out one night as a beautiful, picture perfect summer evening for Colleen Nick and her children quickly spiraled into a horrible tragedy that would haunt the family and their community forever. Colleen and the kids had traveled to Alma, Arkansas, to watch their friend's son play in a little league game at a brand new ballpark. Several innings into the game, six-year-old Morgan was bored and asked her mom if she could join her friends in catching fireflies. Colleen remembered thinking how happy Morgan looked to be set free. That's the last memory she has of her eldest daughter; Morgan suddenly vanished. A massive manhunt got underway quickly, as this parent…

Son in a box

Today we were outside filling up Sam's swimming pool, having a great time. Seriously...we were laughing and playing and splashing each other with very cold water. The storm that had been threatening seemed to disappear and we had sunshine and a nice breeze.

With all that water splashing, I had to excuse myself to the house to go to the bathroom.

On my way, I walked past Alex's memory box on top of the entertainment center in the living room and was struck by how much he ISN'T here. I know it sounds like a simple concept, but there it was, right in my face today.

Things would be so much different if Alex were here. He and I probably wouldn't be out sitting in the sun. It's so warm, we'd probably have stayed inside and let Steve and Sam have the pool experience together by themselves. We would have watched them out the window and maybe made short visits outside, but no time of any real great length would be spent laughing and playing and splashing.

How do…

She's gone

She said goodbye over the phone, over the internet, in the mail, in a hug. She knew she wasn't coming back. She didn't want to go. She wanted to stay wrapped safe in the love that she knew was there for her. But she knew she had to go. And she knew that after all was said and done, things would never be the same. Her self-assurance would disappear. Her confidence would vanish. Her ready happy smile would become a thing seen only in old pictures. She knew there was no return.

He tried to hang on to her for all of them. He held her hand and kissed her forehead. He hugged her when she sobbed uncontrollably. He said all the right words. He knew he wasn't strong enough to keep her there with him. He knew she would go and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He cried and let a part of him go with her.

She knew she couldn't help. She wanted so desperately to say the right do something to make it better. Her whole life she had been the one to le…

All my sign interpreters

From the cemetery today...

Hopes and Payne

What do you make of that?

***Edited to add the ones I left out***

Downs and Wright

Now what do you think?

Wait up guys!

Not long ago, Sam hollered these words at Steve and I as we were walking through the grocery store. We both smiled because it seemed such a grown-up thing for him to say. And for some reason, I've been thinking about that phrase and that moment for a while. I just realized it's because it is exactly how I'm feeling. Everywhere I turn, people are moving forward and going about their normal routines, while I barely manage to get up every morning and stumble my way to work, and then stumble home in the evenings completely exhausted from what seems like minimal accomplishment. I feel like yelling for the world to wait up for me. I feel like I just need time to catch up, to determine a direction, to find my foothold again, to know that I'm not being left completely alone.

Part of this, I know, comes from the mere contemplation of another pregnancy. Talking to the doctor stirred it all up and now the dust has to settle again for me to find some peace again. It's o…

3 months

I hope that wherever you are, you are happy, sweet baby boy.

We love you.

To my mother...

For most of my life, you have been my best friend. But you know how good I am at keeping friends, don't you? Most of mine have disappeared over the years and I haven't had the time (or the energy) to find new ones. They have gone by way of disagreements, misunderstandings, or just plain drifting apart. It is easy to let go of friends you feel don't understand you. It's easy to say we have nothing in common anymore, so let's just put each other on the Christmas card list and leave it at that.

You see, here's where it gets tricky for me. I know you don't understand what I'm going through. I know you can't possibly understand the "right" things to say and do to make this better...because, quite frankly, there aren't any words or deeds that are going to make this any better. But I can't relegate you to my Christmas card list either. So how DO I deal with you?

For the very first time in my life, I can't look to you for the …

Buying and selling words

I was thinking about this yesterday while buying books at Barnes & Noble. I'm in need of good things to read...things that will take me away and stimulate my mind, but not require too much deep thought (hence, my purchase of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants).

So how did the development of buying and selling books come about? How did some people get blessed with the gift of words to the point that they can put them together on paper and sell them to those of us who are much less blessed (some of us are even cursed in the words department).

Words are free. Aren't they? Every day I read things written by amazing people with amazing stories to tell...all for free. And there have been some insights that clearly could have been "professionally" written (Lorem's discussion with God over the noise of the vacuum, being one that comes to mind immediately).

At what point do you find that you have a gift that other people are willing to pay to gaze upon? An…


The perinatologist looks like an actor, but I can't remember his name or what he was in (I have terrible recall for things like movies and music). Cute, but definitely thinks he's brilliant. That wouldn't be such a bad thing if it were true.

At one point I was sitting through a story about how women in Afghanistan suffer through my sort of situation and even worse (maternal mortality is apparently a real problem in a war-torn country where there used to be, and some would argue there still is, a society that values the oppression of women...go figure).

The gist of the beginning of the visit was, "You did nothing wrong." Then we progressed to, "These things just happen." Unfortunately for the good doctor, I have spent hours researching (it's what I do), and I came armed with questions that made it clear these things may happen, but I believe they shouldn't. At that point I got the professional courtesy speech, "Even though we don'…

Lotus Notes

Did you know that Lotus Notes saves every email you ever send or receive unless you set it otherwise?

10/8/04 Agony over finding a new OB/GYN
10/12/04 Found a OB/GYN and scheduled an appointment
10/28/04 Morning sickness necessitates buying the Lifesavers I still have in my candy jar at the office
11/3/04 Still hadn't told the boss I was pregnant
12/15/04 Is it a girl or a boy...heartbeat was 150-160
12/17/04 "Why do you keep asking me how I feel?" "Because you are growing life, and I care."
12/28/04 Free pizza...soap shopping since I was allergic to spearmint sage
12/30/04 The dog keeps us up all night with unexplained barking.
1/4/05 Bad news on the job front...budget cuts
1/10/05 Floor color shopping
1/13/05 Scheduled the ultrasound
1/28/05 We order a booster seat for Sam
2/7/05 Fat pregnant lady gets a new driver's license
2/8/05 Steve, Sam, and Alex send me birthday flowers
2/11/05 Bid on a quilt on eBay for Alex's crib
2/15/05 Sam makes a big paper heart full o…

D-Day (Doctor Day)

You DO know that saying I'm sorry does not correct the problem I have?

And in case you're wondering...I fished a pair of (hopefully) clean underwear out of the basket...hoping they don't have too many cooties from being close to your dirty socks. And I'm wearing the same pants I wore yesterday. I'm thinking YOU'RE making dinner.
Good or bad sign?
The nurse called this morning to confirm my appointment. She asked who was referring me for the appointment. I told her that Dr. B, who used to be with U. Hospital, but is now with L. Hospital, suggested I see a specialist and I chose not to return to U. Hospital for my own mental health reasons. She laughed. And not in the you-are-really-funny sort of way...but in the I-so-understand-what-you-are-saying kind of way. I'm not really sure how to feel about that.
While I truly enjoy …

It was a nice weekend

We had weather in the low 80s and bright beautiful skies.

Friday night we hit the grocery store and bought this incredible chocolate cake roll dessert. Kind of like a giant swiss cake roll covered in gooey chocolate frosting. It kept us in proper dessert all weekend and I'm so glad Steve talked me into it.

Saturday morning I took Rory, our black lab mix, to the vet. He lost an argument with our foster dalmatian an is now nursing a nasty infection on his forehead. Dumb dog doesn't realize she's twice his size and can quite easily kick his scrawny butt.

While I was at the vet trying to keep my arm in it's socket while holding Rory on a leash in the waiting room, Steve was at home consulting with the roofing guy that Lowe's sent out for our estimate. $4100!?!?! Just to put a new layer of shingles on! Holy crap batman! It has to be done...our house is less weather-tite than a piece of swiss cheese. We've got the windows on the way (gotta love 12 months sam…

To clarify

I was apparently not very coherent in my middle-of-the-night ramblings about sleeplessness and the prospect of no babies in my future. So I will take this opportunity to clarify a couple things...

It's not that I fear infertility. I've never had a problem GETTING pregnant (four months is not what I classify as a problem...though there was a time when I probably would have). I simply have NO IDEA about anything having to do with my own reproductive health.

My OB lied to me about Alex's cause of death. She told me he most likely died from an intracranial hemorrhage, "But we still don't know what caused the hemorrhage." I had to read about bacteremia and chorioamnionitis in his autopsy report...where it clearly says, "In summary, the cause of death appears to be bacteremia related to chorioamnionitis. However, examination of the brain revealed significant intracranial hemorrhage. Because of advanced autolysis, the etiology of hemorrhage could not be de…

The downward spiral

It's so strange to feel that downward spiral. To know it's coming and to recognize the things that bring on the beginning of the descent.

Today I was driving in to work and feeling pretty good. I saw my three goldfinches at the end of our driveway again this morning. Lovely three. I wish there were four, but what are you going to do? Argue with the universe?

I drove past the fairgrounds and the setup is in full swing, as the county fair begins tomorrow. I waved at Rick, our farrier, who was out by the draft barn helping hitch and pretty-up a team of two monster black percherons. They were beautiful. I may have to sneak out of work a couple mornings this week to get a good look at some of the smaller teams. And I'd love to see the saddle girls are getting saddle-ready and I'm getting antsy to take them for a spin. But I digress. The point is, I was smiling and enjoying the morning.

Then I get to work...

John is back from his bar exam hiatus. I h…

Can't sleep

Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep...

It's like some sort of nasty chant that runs through my brain. In that halfway place where you turn over to get more comfortable, it becomes louder until it finally wakes me. And sometimes there are variations...with other words thrown in to make me feel like throwing up.

Last night's dreams were about doctors.

I was in this medical building with twisty and turny hallways, filled with automated people movers that went up and down in the little kind of hills that make your stomach drop down to your toes. Of course, I was the only one there, but I was still completely and totally lost. I couldn't figure out which direction to go until Steve mysteriously appeared and showed me the right office door. (Gee, there are no feelings wrapped up in that message, huh?)

Of course, once inside, I had to talk to this woman and give her my complete medical history...every painful detail...right down to the color of…