Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep...
It's like some sort of nasty chant that runs through my brain. In that halfway place where you turn over to get more comfortable, it becomes louder until it finally wakes me. And sometimes there are variations...with other words thrown in to make me feel like throwing up.
Last night's dreams were about doctors.
I was in this medical building with twisty and turny hallways, filled with automated people movers that went up and down in the little kind of hills that make your stomach drop down to your toes. Of course, I was the only one there, but I was still completely and totally lost. I couldn't figure out which direction to go until Steve mysteriously appeared and showed me the right office door. (Gee, there are no feelings wrapped up in that message, huh?)
Of course, once inside, I had to talk to this woman and give her my complete medical history...every painful detail...right down to the color of the wallpaper in the delivery room Alex never saw.
Then that nurse/doctor disappeared and I saw who I thought was the head honcho, only to have to repeat everything I had already told the first gal.
He was soon replaced by four women, one who resembled Ivette from Big Brother 6 on CBS, and one who looked like the receptionist (that I thought was my friend but now can't seem to stop talking about me). They laughed and laughed and laughed...and I couldn't get them to listen to what I was saying. They were telling me that all my babies would be born dead and I was a joke to even think I could be a mommy to more than one.
Then tonight's fun and excitement...a spelling test...with words like chorioamnionitis and bacteremia and fetus (which according to Jill, I'm spelling wrong anyway). But it wasn't just once...I had to spell them over and over again. I woke up almost saying them out loud.
And now I can't sleep again.
This upcoming doctor's appointment is going to kill me. I've never had real health issues in my life. Everytime I've ever had to deal with anything medical, it's always been, "Right then, we'll fix you up and you'll be on your way." I've never had to face a reality that could mean changing the entire rest of my life. I've never had a real problem getting pregnant. I got pregnant on the fourth cycle with Alex. My problem is just having a healthy baby, apparently. So even though I've never had fertility issues, I'm now sitting in pretty much the same place as women who do experience fertility issues...the prospect of a future with no baby.
I know I should be greatful for what I have. Sam is a beautiful, smart, amazing, perfect little boy. OK...so that's a bit over the top, but it's my blog and I can indulge my fantasies if I want. And Alex can always be perfect, even if felled by some nasty bacteria from my body. But there was supposed to be more. Oh crap, there I go with supposed to again.
And then tonight Steve and I were chatting in our lawn chairs as we watched Sam play with the big stick he found (oy, that kid is going to give me gray hair). I asked him if there was a part of him that doesn't even really want to try again. There was complete silence. I said, "Well, the silence is deafening." He said, "No, there really isn't. I know what this means to me. Another loss would be hard..." Right then is when I stopped listening. Another loss would be hard?!?! After almost three months, he still doesn't get it. It wasn't a loss...it was my Baby Alex. I know I should accept that men don't really bond as much until after birth...but give me a break. Like I'm a gumball machine...put in a quarter and a baby pops out. And you can just keep trying until you get the grape one you have your eye on. Another loss would destroy me. I would never come back, in any way, shape, or form that resembles a normal human being.
You know, my grandmother is mentally unstable. And I don't say that in the loving way you often refer to people who are goofy. No...she is tea-with-Jesus ill. And I wonder if there wasn't something major in her past that made her lose her grasp on reality. Was there something like this that just broker her spirit so badly that she could never recover? I know she suffered her share of heartache and hard times as a young adult...but was there one thing that caused her to suddenly lose control?
It's funny how this blog started with tongue in cheek...Everything is Under Control. That's just not funny at all now.