Monday, August 08, 2005

The downward spiral

It's so strange to feel that downward spiral. To know it's coming and to recognize the things that bring on the beginning of the descent.

Today I was driving in to work and feeling pretty good. I saw my three goldfinches at the end of our driveway again this morning. Lovely three. I wish there were four, but what are you going to do? Argue with the universe?

I drove past the fairgrounds and the setup is in full swing, as the county fair begins tomorrow. I waved at Rick, our farrier, who was out by the draft barn helping hitch and pretty-up a team of two monster black percherons. They were beautiful. I may have to sneak out of work a couple mornings this week to get a good look at some of the smaller teams. And I'd love to see the saddle girls are getting saddle-ready and I'm getting antsy to take them for a spin. But I digress. The point is, I was smiling and enjoying the morning.

Then I get to work...

John is back from his bar exam hiatus. I haven't seen him since before Alex died. In fact, the last time I saw John, I was big and round and talking about how excited I was to have TWO boys. Just seeing him made me want to crawl into the corner, curl up in a ball, and sob. But then I get "the look." You know the one with the symptathetic head tilt? This one was accompanied by the awkward arm outreach and pat on my shoulder and back. I wanted to scurry away as fast as my short legs would carry me.

Then I opened my email...

There is this lovely woman out there in internet-land, Dana. She has started a rather She draws memorial pencil drawings and one of her specialties is drawing stillborn children. She is able to smooth out the "imperfections" and draw our babies the way we see them...perfect and beautiful. She sent me an email this morning to tell me that she is approaching my name on her waiting list. She wants direction on exactly what I want in my drawing of Alex. Now I don't even need to crawl to the corner and curl up...I'm doing quite fine sobbing here at my desk, thank you very much.

Have you ever seen those charity penny spirals they have at department stores (Walmart, Target, etc), where you put a penny in the shoot and it spins round and round the funnel edge until it descends into the charity bin? That's me. If I had SOME control, it would be one thing. But these triggers are everywhere. I never know when someone or something is going to push me down the shoot.

If the fair had started today I would have been ok. I could walk the two blocks from my office and get lost in the sea of people and the smells of greasy french fries and horses. But it doesn't start until tomorrow.


lauralu said...

cath, i went to dana's website and am just blown away. no wonder you were in tears. may i ask how long you've been on her waiting list?

lauralu said...

please just e-mail me if you're up to talking about it -