An apology to my readers

I have to admit that I haven't been reading your comments to some of my posts. I think it's partly because I'm still thinking along the lines of this being my journal, rather than this being an interactive process where other people are actually interested and responding. I do appreciate all the thought you have obviously been posting in your comments and I have now read all of them (took me a while). I'm not sure if I should respond in comments or in seperate posts, so I'll catch up here and then make it my policy to respond in comments where appropriate.

deadbabymama - I'm not even sure if I'd have had another one at all, but my reality now is what it is and I'm having another baby.

This is absolutely where I am headed...I think. Can you tell I'm committed to my point of view? I guess I'm stuck on the question, "Why do I want to have another baby?" My mother told me that if I waited to have my first baby until I was "ready," I'd never have a baby. I'm wondering if the same applies here, or if there are other things I need to deal with first.

lauralu - in the end, i got pregnant before i had come to an intellectual answer, but when i found out i was pregnant i got my emotional answer: i want this child

I'm terrified I won't want the next baby. Is that awful to admit? I'm so scared that I'll spend the rest of my life thinking, "You're not Alex," that I won't be able to love him/her the way they deserve. I'm either going to have to come to an answer/best guess before I get pregnant, or take a leap of faith and hope for the best. I've never been much on leaps of faith before. But I'm trying to let go of the planner in me. So who knows what will happen. You all may need to come scrape a crying, sniveling mess off the bathroom floor at 3am some day.

Jill - You could revise your plans so that you are comfortable with having three kids

Revise my plans? Good grief, do you not know what it is like to be an obsessive planner? lol My plans were set in concrete. I have never been a go-with-the-flow kind of person. In order to revise plans, I'll have to engage in a whole other set of contemplations and meditations...weigh the pros and cons...make lists...it took me forever to come up with this plan...I don't have enough time to revise it. I'm not sure why I hold it so dear. I want to think "everything is under control" maybe? (I'm beginning to think I have control issues.) But like I said, I'm trying to work on letting the planner go and just seeing where life takes me. It's probably the scariest thing I've ever changed about me and my personality.

lorem ipsum - thanks for the hummingbird pictures. Would you mind if I stole one or two for my own personal use?

buffi - no, I don't mind being added to your blogroll. Thanks for asking.

Everyone - Thank you for the support and the kind words about our meeting with the lawyer. It means a lot that people understand I'm doing this for a reason. deadbabymama, I really like the idea of setting the "value" at a certain dollar amount to accomplish something good in Alex's name. I think we will do that...if the lawyer decides to take the case. And I'm definitely going to look into reporting the OB to whatever medical board is in charge. People need to know about the lack of care and concern these doctors show so they can make informed decisions. I chose her off my insurance list because my old OB had moved on. Now I wonder if there are others out there who came before me who would have warned me off of this doctor if they had been given voice somewhere. I wonder if I hadn't chosen another doctor if Alex wouldn't be here right now...