Friday, August 19, 2005

Look at me - Don't look at me - Talk to me - Don't talk to me

Did you ever notice that there are essentially two types of people in the world? There are those who think they are different and don't mind telling you all about how they are different...when really they're pretty average. Then there are those who think they are nothing special and shy away from the spotlight at all costs...when really they are pretty amazing people who deserve far more credit and recognition than they get. Lately, I find myself irritated with both kinds of people. Probably the reason I should stay locked up in my tower and not let my hair down for someone to climb up and rescue me.

The people who tell you (seemingly incessantly) that they are somehow unique, somehow special make me want to scream, "We get it...you're special...good for you!" I mean, are people really so insecure as to have to tell you all about every little insignificant thing that makes them above the rest of us mere mortals? It's a bit perturbing because there is this underlying comment about how their way is better...their life is better...their choices are better. blech!

Then the people who hide and never take credit where credit is due...they make me want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them. Have the "unique" people blathered enough to make you believe that you have nothing special to offer? You are special. You are unique. Every single one of us is different...that's what is so amazing. Stop trying to make yourself nameless and faceless. You deserve better.

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I have stopped reading the loss boards. I think this is a huge step for me, because they were my lifeline when I thought I would drown in the sadness and grief. But I've found myself more and more not able to be sympathetic, not able to understand. I'm not so far removed from that place, but I can't be surrounded all the time by the sheer hopelessness that you find on those boards. Many women who suffer a pregnancy or infant loss seem content to stay put in that place and refuse to acknowledge that life does go on. They are unable or unwilling to learn to cope. I'm not saying they should "get over it," but I'm saying that I can't live the rest of my life crying every day for Alex. Sure, I still cry for him...but I have to find ways to make that the exception and not the rule.

There is also the addition of fresh grief. When a new member joins those boards, I feel the grief wash over me again and again. It's too hard.

Perhaps I'm selfish and I should suck it up and help other women the way that I was helped...but I just don't think I can do it. I guess I'll have to accept being selfish for a while.

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I have both my sons' pictures on my desk now. Who told me that one day I'd be able to look at them both and smile? Whoever it was...you were right. Thank you for giving me hope.

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Tomorrow we're taking Dali the foster dalmatian to the Dog Walk to benefit the Cuyahoga County Animal Shelter. Then we'll probably head up to the Dog Days Festival. I hope she behaves herself and woos someone into wanting to adopt her.

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6 comments:

vixanne wigg said...

I am the first kind of person. But I really am special. And modest too. Ha! (It's okay if you hate me. Everybody else does too.)

One of the best analogies I saw about grief was that grief was like a series of hills that you had to go up and down and up and down. I find that to be true for myself...that sometimes I feel really good and then sometimes I way back down at the bottom of the hill again...You may be catching some of these women when they're at the bottom of the hill.

But if the boards aren't helping then by all means you should stay away from them. You seem very strong!

Jill said...

Exactly, if it isn't helping, don't go there. I don't find them 'interesting' anymore. It's not that i don't have sympathy, but they are strangers and it seems as though they are really heavy when they jump in the bucket - it's different than when it is someone you know(online or otherwise).

I'm so pleased you have both photos up and they make you happy.

pengo said...

1. I am an advocate of selfishness, sometimes there is strength in selfishness. You have to do what you need.

2. Anyone who quotes Bowie is way cool.

Sorry I have been out of touch, it has been a stupid busy summer. I LOVE the drawing of Alex. He's beautiful. I have, on occasion, thought of sketching Calvin - which would be an exercise in idealism, if it were to make him look anything like "nice" - but I haven't been able to. Maybe some day. It's very good that you have something to show like that.

gabesmama said...

I read the boards occasionaly although with blogging I don't have time to reply as thoughtfully as I would like. I like the boards because it I think it is a wondeful community and it helps to have women at all differnt stages of loss up there, but then for me, even though I'd like to support, I too sometimes read a story of loss that knocks me out. I feel horrible all day sometimes. Some stories make me so sad that I just can't log in and out. So although I want to give a different perspective, sometimes I can't handle so many stories of loss. But then when I'm having a really bad day, I need the new stories of loss to remind me that I'm not alone. On another note, I sometimes feel that I'm both blowing my own horn and then trying not to blow my own horn in terms of being unique. It is such a balance to express who you are without understating who you are. My brother is the kind of person who has to dominate the conversation with his personality and I wish that he were more humble. But then the world needs more people like my brother to keep it interesting.....Thank you for letting me see the beautiful picture of Alex. Beautiful.

Dana said...

{{{{hugs}}}}

MB said...

I think when I stopped reading the loss boards, it was because I got to a point where they weren't helping ME anymore and I had enough of my own pain that I didn't want to deal with the pain that seemed to always be there on the boards. You be selfish as long as you wish. You deserve it.