Wednesday, August 17, 2005

It is what it is

Sometimes a friend says something in an email that I think should be shared. I don't think she'll mind...all identifying information has been changed to protect the innocent. :o)


I read your post today and the "Son in a Box" one, and I wanted to respond. You know, even for me, I have moments when I look at my kids and think, "If I hadn't miscarried the first baby, I wouldn't have these two children." Then I begin to think I am a monster because I can't imagine my life without these two specific children, and it scares me to think that if the first baby had lived to term, I wouldn't have either S or L, most likely. I might have two children, but it's highly unlikely either would have been the children I have now. Do I wish the first baby had lived and that S had never been conceived? Am I evil if I say no? And it gets all confusing and sad, and I feel guilty.

But then I realize, this is what is. I don't have that choice. I didn't have to choose between the first baby or my other babies. That choice was never mine. I guess I'm trying to say that this is what is, and you will never have to choose between Alex and another child. The choice has, unfortunately, been made for you -- you can love Alex, but you, sadly, don't get to raise him; whether or not you choose to raise another child is a separate issue.

So that's my two cents on an issue about which I have only a hint of an understanding. I know it's not so simple, even for me. I know I don't know what it's like for you. But I wanted to share my thoughts anyway in case that might help.


And to that friend I say...don't sell yourself short. You understand far more than you seem to know. And I appreciate that you check in on me and take the time to listen to me (even when I don't seem to make sense). I know your life is very busy right now. You are a very good friend and I love you.


deadbabymama said...

This resonates with me, and sounds a lot like what I said in my comments to you on that post. Your friend does understand a lot!

Jill said...

Sounds like you have some smart friends who really care about you:)

Anonymous said...

I often have those thoughts myself and have felt so guilty about it. What a wise way to look at it. I'll have to remind myself of that next time I'm beating myself up. It is what it is........

vixanne wigg said...

I really like what your friend said. I think that's very true and wise.