Thursday, August 11, 2005

Wait up guys!

Not long ago, Sam hollered these words at Steve and I as we were walking through the grocery store. We both smiled because it seemed such a grown-up thing for him to say. And for some reason, I've been thinking about that phrase and that moment for a while. I just realized it's because it is exactly how I'm feeling. Everywhere I turn, people are moving forward and going about their normal routines, while I barely manage to get up every morning and stumble my way to work, and then stumble home in the evenings completely exhausted from what seems like minimal accomplishment. I feel like yelling for the world to wait up for me. I feel like I just need time to catch up, to determine a direction, to find my foothold again, to know that I'm not being left completely alone.

Part of this, I know, comes from the mere contemplation of another pregnancy. Talking to the doctor stirred it all up and now the dust has to settle again for me to find some peace again. It's overwhelming to think about and it tends to throw me back emotionally to where I was during that first week or so after Alex died. Part of it is also that I was unhappy in my job before now, and unable to find anything that would satisfy me. It's very hard to go to work every day when you don't really believe in what you don't get any satisfaction from a job well done. I know too, that part of it is that it's summer and I'm totally surrounded by what "should have been."

I feel paralyzed and unable to make any positive steps toward anything. Instead, I'm anchored to something that can never be despite how my heart aches for it. I miss my baby. I want him back. And I feel like I can't move forward without him.

Three months of this and I'm already sick of hearing myself. No wonder the world is leaving me in its dust.

Wait up guys!


Lisa P. said...

Aside from the differences in our circumstances, I could have written much of this post, particularly the part about not liking what I was doing BEFORE being thrown into a tailspin, and wishing I could stop the world so that I could get caught up.

You will make it. It won't be easy, but we'll be here to listen. (((hugs)))

Julie said...

Like a pack of gypsies trudging along through the wilderness... you have good company along for the journey. {{{hugs}}}

Julie said...

I think part of the thing that was so hard for me to deal with early on was how fast everyone moved on with their lives. And there I was left behind in my misery, grieving for my son and all that should have been. How could the world move on when I was so absolutely crushed??? How could they move on when someone so important was GONE?? It was really (hell still IS) really hard to swallow. You will figure out how to move forward without him. I never imagined it was possible, but it does happen. ((((hugs))))

lauralu said...

i understand being dragged down by a job you don't love. i should have tried to find another job before i got pregnant again, but i just couldn't be bothered to care about anything beyond all-things-hans, or at least not enough to do much about it, and now i'm stuck for another year, because we're on my insurance. so i keep reminding myself that work is just work, and it doesn't matter in the big scheme. every day i believe it a tiny bit more, so every day it gets a tiny bit easier, or maybe it just matters a tiny bit less. whichever.

Marlayna said...

I'll wait for you Kate! :heart