Not long ago, Sam hollered these words at Steve and I as we were walking through the grocery store. We both smiled because it seemed such a grown-up thing for him to say. And for some reason, I've been thinking about that phrase and that moment for a while. I just realized it's because it is exactly how I'm feeling. Everywhere I turn, people are moving forward and going about their normal routines, while I barely manage to get up every morning and stumble my way to work, and then stumble home in the evenings completely exhausted from what seems like minimal accomplishment. I feel like yelling for the world to wait up for me. I feel like I just need time to catch up, to determine a direction, to find my foothold again, to know that I'm not being left completely alone.
Part of this, I know, comes from the mere contemplation of another pregnancy. Talking to the doctor stirred it all up and now the dust has to settle again for me to find some peace again. It's overwhelming to think about and it tends to throw me back emotionally to where I was during that first week or so after Alex died. Part of it is also that I was unhappy in my job before now, and unable to find anything that would satisfy me. It's very hard to go to work every day when you don't really believe in what you do...you don't get any satisfaction from a job well done. I know too, that part of it is that it's summer and I'm totally surrounded by what "should have been."
I feel paralyzed and unable to make any positive steps toward anything. Instead, I'm anchored to something that can never be despite how my heart aches for it. I miss my baby. I want him back. And I feel like I can't move forward without him.
Three months of this and I'm already sick of hearing myself. No wonder the world is leaving me in its dust.
Wait up guys!