Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Emptiness

I have learned to accept the sadness and I am coping with it. The anger is less intense and I'm coping with that too. I'm working on the jealousy as well...though I still have a way to go, I really feel like I can conquer it (or at least leash train it to sit and stay when I need it to).

I can not seem to get a handle on the emptiness. That feeling that there is something missing...that hole that nothing seems to fill up. Looking backward doesn't do it...looking forward doesn't do it. It's an ache in my chest (my heart?) that is always there. I could learn to live with it, if it didn't paralyze me everytime I feel it. I'm literally unable to function when it grabs hold of me.

There is no way to describe it to someone who hasn't been there. It's just emptiness.

It's like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and shouting hello...only to have the sound echo off the walls and eventually fade away. Where does it go? What happens to it? It just ceases to exist and there is nothing left in its place...except emptiness. And there you stand, on the edge of this beautiful place surrounded by that silence and that emptiness.

No, that's not quite what it is.

I just don't have the words.

9 comments:

Lorem ipsum said...

I think I do:

Abandonment.

Julie said...

I know what you mean. A little part of us died and is gone, and we'll never be put back together quite right. Duct tape can't fix humpty dumpty, no matter how careful you try.

cat said...

The hole doesn't get smaller really but the space around the hole gets bigger. Eventually the hole is surrounded by happier moments, small joys, friends, family, hope. Then the hole seems ok, part of us, part of the new us.

I'm hoping that you find yourself surrounded by love and that someday that hole will seem smaller even if it's not actually smaller.

Lisa P. said...

When I read this, it was as though several ways to try to describe the feeling popped into my head all at once, but were clouded by something and I couldn't make out what they were. But I think I understand this feeling. Trying to put it into words is very hard. Trying to get through it can be even harder.

Julie said...

Well put, Cat. I like that.

Julie said...

No, I don't think there are words to truely describe that emptiness. It is unimaginable. And sometimes you don't really realize that that is what you are feeling. But it's always there. And you know, just like you are learning to cope with all of those other feelings, you will learn to cope with this. Isn't it fun learning how to live this new life??
(((((Cathy)))))

Jill said...

I guess my way of describing it is when I feel weightless and can't catch my breath. To use your word, the sheer amount of emptiness just isn't enough to keep my feet on the ground and it really is a physical phenomenon.

There sems to be little rhyme or reason to the appearance of the feeling when it hits so what to do about it? Who can tell? I like the way Cat describes it though. Her words are like the weights on a hot air balloon for me. Still empty, but there is other stuff to make it all balance out.

You have come so far Catherine, it is an amazing thing. I hope you figure this question out one day:) And then tell me the answer;)

Marlayna said...

Kate, I agree you have come so far. I think you are handling your pain and grief and anger the healthiest way for you and your family. I know my sisters death can't possibly compare to the loss of a child. But I know the feeling of heartache... I understand your pain, even if it isn't the same.

HUGS!

gabesmama said...

It scares me. When I look into the future I wonder if it will ever go away. I don't want it to because it connects me with Gabe, but then will I always feel so empty. Will I always feel left behind? My emotions are so extreme now...between loving nature and being scared by it. I feel like a leaf that just blows around instead of like an Oak tree planted firmly in the ground. My life feels like a free fall. Will I enjoy the earth again when I rest squarely on it?