Saturday, August 13, 2005

Son in a box

Today we were outside filling up Sam's swimming pool, having a great time. Seriously...we were laughing and playing and splashing each other with very cold water. The storm that had been threatening seemed to disappear and we had sunshine and a nice breeze.

With all that water splashing, I had to excuse myself to the house to go to the bathroom.

On my way, I walked past Alex's memory box on top of the entertainment center in the living room and was struck by how much he ISN'T here. I know it sounds like a simple concept, but there it was, right in my face today.

Things would be so much different if Alex were here. He and I probably wouldn't be out sitting in the sun. It's so warm, we'd probably have stayed inside and let Steve and Sam have the pool experience together by themselves. We would have watched them out the window and maybe made short visits outside, but no time of any real great length would be spent laughing and playing and splashing.

How do I enjoy that? How do I sit and laugh by the pool knowing that the only reason I get to have this fun time is because my baby died?

I just do.

I just did.

God help me.


Jill said...

I don't know how you can, but it is lovely that amidst your sorrow Alex allowed you to laugh AND remember him and be Sam's mum as well. Instead of sitting inside with you, he's most certainly sitting watching with his grandfather. Maybe for a moment today, God DID help you. PLease don't feel guilty, just take it all in as it comes at you. The confusion seems immense, the way you handled everything was exactly the right way. It HAS to be right, because all you are doing is loving both your kids.

Julie said...

You CAN, and you DID, and there is NOT anything at all wrong with it. You can still miss Alex, and you have every reason to miss him. But at the same time, you love your son Sam just as much. I think maybe the trick is to figure out how to deal with the GUILT of having those moments where you smile and you are happy. It's still early for you Cathy, but I promise, you will find the balance. (((((Cathy)))))

buffi said...

I'm so glad you did. You deserve these happy moments. And many, many more.

Do you mind if I put you on my blogroll? Normally, I would assume it was okay, but so much of what you write is so very personal, I won't if you feel hesitant about it. I appreciate all you have to say.

Amanda said...

I just wanted to let you know I think of you often. I know that pain you feel - and the thoughts of how things would be if your baby was here. I have that very often, too. My heart is full for you and I wish you peace. You're doing a great job getting through this time and keep hanging in there.