"And I thought what a good man he was, that he was so understanding, because, and this made me weep harder, because I knew, I knew that this was all my fault. My essential reaction was grief, but somehow the words that floated to the surface of my brain were: people are going to be mad at me."Elizabeth McCracken
You would think, after all, that I would have some significant insight into grief and healing. You would think, after all, that I would know enough to skip some steps. But no. Instead, I am stuck in stages previously worked through. Right now, I'm back at square one...where I get to blame myself. Except this time there is no hearing the chorus of "it's not your fault." This time the fault IS mine...and it calls into question everything I previously worked through about the blame I deserved.
The first time, it was easy to buy into the idea that it wasn't my fault. With a convenient target of a neglectful doctor who could have saved my baby had she paid attention, I had the perfect way out of the self-blame.
The second time, it was one of those freakish things...lightning does, indeed, strike twice. There was something wrong with him anyway, so maybe it was nature's way of taking care of us.
Now...the third time...there is no denying that it is me. I am the one responsible for all of this. It's my body that fails...time and time and time again. I didn't take the vitamins...I ate a gluten-filled diet...I didn't exercise...I had sex...I threw out all the things that I was hyper-vigilent about with Myles...as if they were irrelevant this time. But even before we get to THAT blame, we have to get over the hurdle of the blame of stupidity. I was SO stupid! I did the irresponsible thing and got myself pregnant AGAIN, knowing the (emotional AND physical) risks. It wasn't planned, but I'm old enough to know how birth control works and I should have protected us all from this heartache.
And now here I am. I can't outrun the blame...can't shift it anywhere...because it is my own self that disgusts me. My body...my (lack of a) brain...everything. And I keep hearing my own voice echoing in my head, "You brought this on yourself."