Thursday, May 20, 2010

Blame and Disgust

"And I thought what a good man he was, that he was so understanding, because, and this made me weep harder, because I knew, I knew that this was all my fault. My essential reaction was grief, but somehow the words that floated to the surface of my brain were: people are going to be mad at me."
Elizabeth McCracken

You would think, after all, that I would have some significant insight into grief and healing. You would think, after all, that I would know enough to skip some steps. But no. Instead, I am stuck in stages previously worked through. Right now, I'm back at square one...where I get to blame myself. Except this time there is no hearing the chorus of "it's not your fault." This time the fault IS mine...and it calls into question everything I previously worked through about the blame I deserved.

The first time, it was easy to buy into the idea that it wasn't my fault. With a convenient target of a neglectful doctor who could have saved my baby had she paid attention, I had the perfect way out of the self-blame.

The second time, it was one of those freakish things...lightning does, indeed, strike twice. There was something wrong with him anyway, so maybe it was nature's way of taking care of us.

Now...the third time...there is no denying that it is me. I am the one responsible for all of this. It's my body that fails...time and time and time again. I didn't take the vitamins...I ate a gluten-filled diet...I didn't exercise...I had sex...I threw out all the things that I was hyper-vigilent about with Myles...as if they were irrelevant this time. But even before we get to THAT blame, we have to get over the hurdle of the blame of stupidity. I was SO stupid! I did the irresponsible thing and got myself pregnant AGAIN, knowing the (emotional AND physical) risks. It wasn't planned, but I'm old enough to know how birth control works and I should have protected us all from this heartache.

And now here I am. I can't outrun the blame...can't shift it anywhere...because it is my own self that disgusts me. My body...my (lack of a) brain...everything. And I keep hearing my own voice echoing in my head, "You brought this on yourself."

8 comments:

Shanna said...

HUGS!

LawMommy said...

I know that hearing me say "It really isn't your fault" probably doesn't mean that much, because your brain will go where your brains wants to go, but...it really, really wasn't your fault.

And unless you have discovered some secret of conception, you didn't get yourself pregnant.

This is no more your fault than the earthquake in California the other day was your fault. Horrible sh*t happens.

Unless you were snorting lines of coke while at the same time downing a bottle of Jack Daniels and riding roller coasters? THIS horrible thing...was really completely and utterly unfair and wretched and awful...and not your fault.

Connie Reagan said...

I'm just some internet stranger but it is total and complete bullhockey that any of this was your fault.

It is NOT your fault.

Read that times infinity, if you have to.

kate said...

It's not your fault.

Sorry, just had to add my voice to the chorus. I know it doesn't help much to hear it. But yes, it's not your fault.

Pipsylou said...

not your fault. you had, as obama likes to say, the audacity to hope.

what's wrong with that? is it better to just expect the worst? that's not any way to live. and, let me remind you, if you hadn't tried again AFTER alex and travis, myles wouldn't be here.

So, if you get to blame yourself for Little Bug's demise and the horrible, horrible subsequent grief and endless questions, you also get to blame yourself for Myles' presence in your family.

so there.

Pipsylou said...

p.s. if it makes you feel any better, i got my period today and have been crying and eating all day.

throw in a couple more pregnancy announcements and it's really been quite a grand day.

Kathy McC said...

Ditto to what Pipsylou said.

Jelly-Filled said...

It must be awful to hear that endless tape in your head and to truly feel it's your fault. Just as your other friends have said, I also say that it is not your fault. I know that doesn't help stop the tape, but I so wish that it did.