Monday, April 03, 2006

I'm tired

I don't have the energy to think about why anymore. There are two schools of thought:(1) We deserved it...for whatever mystical reason/punishment; or (2) Shit happens.
It makes me sad...but I just don't want to think about it anymore.

I don't have the energy to pretend to people that being pregnant makes everything just peachy. I don't have the energy to pretend that I'm not still lost in my desire to have Alex here with me...not this baby. I don't have the energy to think about this baby at all. To wish away who is here and long for who isn't...what kind of person does that?

I don't have the energy to pretend to county my blessings. Damn it...I hate this and I'm going to hate it forever.

I don't have the energy to hope that what I've been feeling for the past three days is actually a living baby...and not just gas.

I don't have the energy to smile and say that I'm fine when someone asks me how I'm doing. Quite honestly, there are days, like today, where I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and do nothing by cry and eat chocolate.

I don't have the energy to smile when Sam tells me Alex isn't at the cemetery, he's "way way way up high on a fact...I think THAT'S his cloud." I want to dissolve into a massive puddle right there in the middle of the rows of dead people and just let the cloud float overhead.

I don't have the energy to work. I feel like my real life is outside this office and I should get to it. I'm not sure what that would include, since there's nothing else out there to do (except maybe play with my animals and my son). Work just feels like a big waste of time...every day...time wasted. Even though I know it's not...even though I know people rely on me...even though I really do like my work. I just feel...distracted.

I don't have the energy to resist the Reese's easter eggs a co-worker left in our kitchenette.

I don't have the energy, when someone talks about their progressing pregnancy, to smile and be excited. It takes too much to stamp down the feelings of, "Don't count your chickens..." And I don't have the energy to get rid of the negativity either. It's just a fact of my personality now...and I hate that too.

I don't have the energy to look forward. It's too hazy. It's too uncertain. It's just there...with no detail or definition. And I can't focus on it because I'm too tired to keep my eyes open.


kate said...


Yep. Everything you wrote is so true. This life, of all the things that it is, is just so completely *exhausting*.

Go take a nap. I am thinking of you, and all your babies...

Sarah said...

I know that feeling... and i'm not even pg... so i'm sure it means that maybe you should just go and do what you need for yourself today. (even though it's not really always possible in the real world). I hope you can find some curled up in bed time.

Sherri said...

As an outsider looking in, I see a strong woman who, while being characteristically overly critical of herself :-), is doing a hell of a fine job balancing everyday life with the uncertainty of a new pregancy that she understandably cannot trust, the upcoming painful anniversary and the deep sense of loss associated with all that she missed out on with Alex, almost immediately to be followed by Sam's birthday, not to mention easter bunnies and of course the undeservedly guilt-provoking mother's day in the mix. I am sure that the pg hormones are only making things worse, as if they needed help. Just know that even though you know all too well that no one can say any magic words that can ever "fix" things, it is certainly completely understandable from any outsider's perspective as to why you might feel the way you do. I know, it is easy for me or anyone else to patly say "don't be so hard on yourself" - I just wish I knew an easy way to tell you how to do just exactly that and free yourself of some of what you have been carrying around with you for so long!! Thinking of you and sending you the biggest hugs and a shoulder to uncontrollably sob into if you should ever need it ...