Sunday, April 02, 2006

Things that make me sob

It's so strange the things that will take me back, or throw me forward, in time to an emotional place that I'm still not really sure how to handle other than with tears.

I was listening to some country song on the radio the other day on my way home from work. It was some song about a young couple in love (what else would a country song be about?) and heard some line about looking toward the future together. At that moment, I felt the sadness rush into my soul with such force that it literally ripped the breath from my chest. I haven't felt that intense knock-you-out pain for quite some time. Perhaps I'd just bottled it up somewhere and it needed to come out...whether I wanted it to or not.

When you are first in love...first married...first facing the world together, you look forward without hesitation. There is an anticipation that is so sweet that it far outweighs any fear and reservation that you might feel. No matter what happens to you, you are together and you know that you are building a life somewhere in the future together. You look forward...certain that whatever lies in front of you will be better than what came before.

I don't have that anymore. I'm not sure Steve does either. We look forward as much as we can. But we always have one foot firmly rooted in the past. Not only do we know how bad things could go, we are always painfully aware that the future will never be as sweet as the past was. That thrill of looking forward is tempered with the keen awareness that it will never be the future we dreamed of. That future is gone forever. We will always look back with a longing that makes the future a little less exciting.

I feel as though I cheated him. I cheated Sam. I cheated everyone we love. And I KNOW people will reassure that it wasn't my fault. But really, I am responsible for that black mark on our future.

Standing in TSC, I asked Steve if he was going to buy me a rosebush for Mother's Day (per my annual request). He said he wasn't sure I wanted to celebrate Mother's Day this year. I told him, "Well, I AM still a mother, even though I dropped the ball on that one little bit." Not so little, was it?

This Easter I bought a bunny garden stake for the cemetery. Oh, how I took for granted the "my first easter bunny" I bought for Sam. I should be buying one of those again this year. Not a cemetery decoration. Never in my life did I imagine I would be visiting my child in a cemetery. But then again, I doubt anyone ever imagines visiting someone they love in a cemetery.

I just can't help but think about all the plans and dreams. What would he look like now? He'd be starting to walk, wouldn't he? He'd be learning to say words. But he's not. And he never will.


Julie said...

I hate how life has changed, forever. No matter what good things lie ahead, there's that sadness and regret cloaking us. I haven't had one of those moments recently, but I empathize with you and how it hits you like two tons of shattered glass.

kate said...

((((((hugs)))))))) I am sorry, it is very hard. You are right, that future, that newness is gone forever. I do think it always happens though, one way or the other. Though our way is such a horrid way.

Yes, it is not your fault, which you *know* logically. Yes, it will still feel that way, regardless of logic. Thinking of you...

deadbabymama said...

You cheated no one, and you have been ripped off as much as anyone, perhaps more because you are left with guilt as well as grief.

Bronwyn said...

It's funny how springtime can actually bring us *down*, isn't it? I don't have any magic words, except that I can empathize with you strongly on the way you're feeling right now. I don't know if the anger and sadness will ever go away, but I can only hope there will be enough breaks in the darkenss that we can find some time for happiness somewhere down the line. (((Big hug)))