Some days I just want to scream at the universe. Nothing in particular...just rant and rave and yell like a lunatic. Do you know what this is like? Do you have any freakin clue? Do you care at all? I want to get in the face of every single person I see and let loose all my anger and frustration and fear. I feel such horrible emotions welling up...threatening to consume me. I just want to lighten the load.
But I don't. I remain calm and cool and collected. Never one to show too much, I listen quietly to others' frustrations and problems. I offer supportive advice in matters that mean nothing to me anymore. I smile and say all the right things to let someone know that I believe in them. And I only briefly let on that I feel like I'm dying inside. To which they respond with uncomfortable glances and a change of subject back to what matters to them. A civilized lunch suddenly feels like all the blood is being drained out of my head. I feel like I'm in a vacuum and I'm going to implode.
Just ask me. Ask me how I'm doing. Pretend like you care about ME! Pretend like I matter. Don't pretend like things are normal. Acknowledge that life is different...that I am different.
I'm going to scream!
3 comments:
((((((((hugs))))))))) Sometimes, though, it *is* good to lighten the load. Yell, scream, rave, throw things. It is cathartic.
Probably not during a civilized lunch, though...
between hans's death and the tadpole pregnancy, i took out my aggression on poor unsuspecting people whom i EDUCATED with my verbal hammer when they said pat, stupid things. and i yelled at justin OFTEN. during my frustration with the first part of this pregnancy, i worked it out by whining at my doctor and his secretary a couple of times a week. there must be someone you can let have it. their wellbeing is not your responsibility. if you need to let someone have it, i say, go for it.
I've been told I need to work on getting my rage outside of my body. My therapist (who also lost a child due to labor complications) said she used to spend 10 minutes hitting the bed with a racketball racket. I'm thinking that after my post today I may need to finally try it out.
Just a thought.
Hugs. Although not fun, your feelings are normal i think. Just try to find an outlet for some of those feelings so you can feel a little lighter.
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