Monday, April 17, 2006

Do you know what this is like?

Some days I just want to scream at the universe. Nothing in particular...just rant and rave and yell like a lunatic. Do you know what this is like? Do you have any freakin clue? Do you care at all? I want to get in the face of every single person I see and let loose all my anger and frustration and fear. I feel such horrible emotions welling up...threatening to consume me. I just want to lighten the load.

But I don't. I remain calm and cool and collected. Never one to show too much, I listen quietly to others' frustrations and problems. I offer supportive advice in matters that mean nothing to me anymore. I smile and say all the right things to let someone know that I believe in them. And I only briefly let on that I feel like I'm dying inside. To which they respond with uncomfortable glances and a change of subject back to what matters to them. A civilized lunch suddenly feels like all the blood is being drained out of my head. I feel like I'm in a vacuum and I'm going to implode.

Just ask me. Ask me how I'm doing. Pretend like you care about ME! Pretend like I matter. Don't pretend like things are normal. Acknowledge that life is different...that I am different.

I'm going to scream!

6 comments:

kate said...

((((((((hugs))))))))) Sometimes, though, it *is* good to lighten the load. Yell, scream, rave, throw things. It is cathartic.

Probably not during a civilized lunch, though...

Anna said...

(((((hugs))))))

Kathi said...

I say scream once and awhile. If you have to be counted on to soothe everyone else soul, to build them up, offer encouragement, then they should be able to handle a REAL emotion, a real life, good, bad, and ugly.

It's not fair that you just keep that all inside all the time. OR...if all those folks you have to be around just can't take it, call moi and rant and rave and scream and cry and do everything you need. I'm at your disposal :)

lauralu said...

between hans's death and the tadpole pregnancy, i took out my aggression on poor unsuspecting people whom i EDUCATED with my verbal hammer when they said pat, stupid things. and i yelled at justin OFTEN. during my frustration with the first part of this pregnancy, i worked it out by whining at my doctor and his secretary a couple of times a week. there must be someone you can let have it. their wellbeing is not your responsibility. if you need to let someone have it, i say, go for it.

R said...

Why do you *have* to be all nicey nicey? Is there some rule somewhere that says you do? What would happen if you allowed yourself to act how you feel? Trust me, the TRUE friends will stick by your side. The others, forget them.

Sarah said...

I've been told I need to work on getting my rage outside of my body. My therapist (who also lost a child due to labor complications) said she used to spend 10 minutes hitting the bed with a racketball racket. I'm thinking that after my post today I may need to finally try it out.

Just a thought.

Hugs. Although not fun, your feelings are normal i think. Just try to find an outlet for some of those feelings so you can feel a little lighter.