Thursday, April 27, 2006


There is no way around it. I'm going to lose it in these next two weeks and there is simply nothing I can do to stop it.

I think I'm doing so well...and then my husband very kindly offers to take a couple days off work for Alex's birthday and I fly off the handle with, "I have to save my days off for this possibility of a live baby...I have to look forward...I can't live in the past...what are we going to do anyway, sit around and be sad?"

I think I'm doing so well...and then I get the reminder card in the mail for my ultrasound and OB visit next Tuesday...and immediately feel like I'm going to throw up.

I think I'm doing so well...and then I have a complete meltdown in the car on the way to work because I have to go in early and won't be there to kiss my Sam goodbye (while he's not sleeping).

I think I'm doing so well...and then dear, sweet Jill excitedly announces that she's scheduled to deliver her new miracle on May 11th and I completely melt into a crying mess in my office. It's beautiful that someone will welcome an amazing new little life into this world on that day and I am incredibly happy for them.

But at the same time, the silence of May 11th last year echoes in my mind and the sadness mixes in with the joy and I don't know what to say. I can't even formulate an enthusiastic comment to her announcement (and I'm so sorry for that Jill...I really hope you understand). The day I said I didn't need to take off of work to feel sad. The two weeks leading up to the anniversary of the worst day of my life...when I was so sick and I KNEW something wasn't right, but nobody would listen to me.

Yeah, right, I'm obviously doing so well living for the future and not living in the past. sigh

I look at the next two weeks and think, "Was this the day? Did he die inside me on this day? or was it tomorrow? did he suffer? was he in pain?" I don't really want to know...but I can't help wondering.

And the obvious, "What was I doing on this day last year?" pops up. Did I have a good day? Was I laughing with friends while my son was dying? And how am I going to do any better with this one? I don't deserve another chance...not after I was so oblivious.

Oh yeah...this is going to be fun. Does anyone know if the white coats with the arms that tie in the back run small or large? I want to be sure I get the right size. No sense giving up style just because I've given up my sanity.


cat said...

It's all normal what you are feeling. Not that it helps you not feel it or makes it any better, but it is true. You are not certifiable and the way you feel now is 100% normal and it's ok to feel lost, angry, and fear at this time rising up again.

Offering up love and support while you make it through the next few weeks however you need to. *hug*

kate said...

No words of wisdom here, just a big ((((((hug)))))) You will make it through this.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry you're so overwhelmed right now. I get a sense of what you're actually feeling in this post.... the pain and the desire to lash out... I don't know how you could be anything other than overwhelmed, but it doesn't make it easier.

I don't think i have any advice... besides just do whatever you can do... to make it through where ever yo uare at that moment.

We'll all still be here and will be shedding tears for Alex.


R said...

Is there any way you can get counseling? You NEED someone to talk to. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know May 11 is coming up.

Julie said...

You will make it through the next 2 weeks. Not because you are "so strong" or any of that other crap, but you will make it through becuase you were not given a choice. I'm so sorry you aren't planning a huge first birthday party for Alex. I am so sorry for ALL of it. Living the "this time last year" game is NO fun, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Anam Cara said...

Oh Catherine, I know how hard it is. I also felt certifiable leading up to Thomas' first anniversary. It was absolutely horrible - no words could adequately describe the emptiness and despair I felt. It was at the one yr anniversary that I did find a counselor because I really felt I was losing the plot completely. I was having a hard time going on and was afraid for myself. I was lucky to find someone who was a great listener and very empathetic. I wish you could find someone to talk to as well. It helped me tremendously.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Like Julie said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thinking of you lots and sending you (((hugs))). I know you have to get through this on your own, but now we are here and we do understand.

msfitzita said...

Oh Catherine...

The days and weeks leading up to the first birthday are so hard - so impossibly hard. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. Please know that I'm thinking of you.

For me, marking the two days of Thomas' life and death were very difficult, yes, but also a re-birth of sorts. I closed a chapter and allowed myself to move onto a different kind of healing.

I don't know if this is how it works for everyone, but I want you to know that for me it's easier now. There are no more "this time last yeas" or firsts of any kind. There's still a lot of healing work to be done, but there is so much more peace in my heart now.

Just hang on, sweetie. It's coming.


Laura said...

Catherine, I completely agree that what you are feeling is normal. I found that the days and weeks leading up to Matthew's first angel day were harder than the day itself. I found myself doing the same thing last year that you are doing now. I think that you just need to do whatever feels right for you. Not what anyone else thinks that you should do. Please know that you are in my thoughts as Alex's angel/birthday approaches. ((((Hugs))))

Kathi said...

I certainly don't think your certifiable for feeling like you are. In fact, I'd be concerned if you weren't. This is huge, personal, painful, and forever. It's a part of you. And yes certain parts of your life have changed and moved a bit ahead, but Alex and the days and memories surrounding his life and birth and passing are all part of you now.

I think your one of the sanest people I know. Let whatever you need to feel come. Love you.

vixanne wigg said...

I'm sorry Catherine. I don't know what I can tell you. I don't have any good advice. You will get through it. Dwell if you need to dwell. I hope that next year you have a little more peace.