There is no way around it. I'm going to lose it in these next two weeks and there is simply nothing I can do to stop it.
I think I'm doing so well...and then my husband very kindly offers to take a couple days off work for Alex's birthday and I fly off the handle with, "I have to save my days off for this possibility of a live baby...I have to look forward...I can't live in the past...what are we going to do anyway, sit around and be sad?"
I think I'm doing so well...and then I get the reminder card in the mail for my ultrasound and OB visit next Tuesday...and immediately feel like I'm going to throw up.
I think I'm doing so well...and then I have a complete meltdown in the car on the way to work because I have to go in early and won't be there to kiss my Sam goodbye (while he's not sleeping).
I think I'm doing so well...and then dear, sweet Jill excitedly announces that she's scheduled to deliver her new miracle on May 11th and I completely melt into a crying mess in my office. It's beautiful that someone will welcome an amazing new little life into this world on that day and I am incredibly happy for them.
But at the same time, the silence of May 11th last year echoes in my mind and the sadness mixes in with the joy and I don't know what to say. I can't even formulate an enthusiastic comment to her announcement (and I'm so sorry for that Jill...I really hope you understand). The day I said I didn't need to take off of work to feel sad. The two weeks leading up to the anniversary of the worst day of my life...when I was so sick and I KNEW something wasn't right, but nobody would listen to me.
Yeah, right, I'm obviously doing so well living for the future and not living in the past. sigh
I look at the next two weeks and think, "Was this the day? Did he die inside me on this day? or was it tomorrow? did he suffer? was he in pain?" I don't really want to know...but I can't help wondering.
And the obvious, "What was I doing on this day last year?" pops up. Did I have a good day? Was I laughing with friends while my son was dying? And how am I going to do any better with this one? I don't deserve another chance...not after I was so oblivious.
Oh yeah...this is going to be fun. Does anyone know if the white coats with the arms that tie in the back run small or large? I want to be sure I get the right size. No sense giving up style just because I've given up my sanity.