It seems that everything is sucking the energy right out of me these days and I'm just not finding inspiration to write. I got word this morning that we are having a belated baby shower for my office neighbor next Friday. The stress of preparing myelf mentally for that is already taking its toll. I just don't know what I've got left in me. I feel the cracks getting a bit out of control.
I'm hoping that Friday will help bring me some balance. My mom and dad are going to watch Sam for the evening and Steve and I are going to dinner and a movie. We'll probably see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe...I think that's a pretty big-screen-worthy picture. But I'm still debating what restaurant to go to. Steve's letting me choose as an early birthday present (February 8th...next Wednesday). He's such a great guy. Any suggestions? Remember, Steve's a meat and potatoes man...so Chinese is out. :o)
Of course leaving Sam with my parents for the evening has induced subconcious guilt and general nuttiness in my brain that I'm sure has something to do with losing Alex (since I wasn't prone to freaking out like this before he died). Last night I had a nightmare that I was on a road trip with my parents and Sam (don't know where Steve was), and I left Sam in a snowy horse pasture somewhere along the trip. There was major panic and freaking out as I made my dad turn the car around and go searching for him (because I, of course, could not remember exactly where that was). My mom was weirdly asleep during most of it and woke up with a start when I started yelling at my dad to drive faster. The whole time, I kept thinking about how afraid and upset he must be...probably crying and hysterical. There was a sense of increasing speed...like a snowball rolling down a hill...as the minutes passed where I couldn't find my Sam. I woke up feeling like I could cry and it still makes me feel sick to think about now.
Good God, I'm a mess. I sure hope dinner does the trick.