Thursday, February 02, 2006

Bad dreams and no energy

It seems that everything is sucking the energy right out of me these days and I'm just not finding inspiration to write. I got word this morning that we are having a belated baby shower for my office neighbor next Friday. The stress of preparing myelf mentally for that is already taking its toll. I just don't know what I've got left in me. I feel the cracks getting a bit out of control.

I'm hoping that Friday will help bring me some balance. My mom and dad are going to watch Sam for the evening and Steve and I are going to dinner and a movie. We'll probably see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe...I think that's a pretty big-screen-worthy picture. But I'm still debating what restaurant to go to. Steve's letting me choose as an early birthday present (February 8th...next Wednesday). He's such a great guy. Any suggestions? Remember, Steve's a meat and potatoes man...so Chinese is out. :o)

Of course leaving Sam with my parents for the evening has induced subconcious guilt and general nuttiness in my brain that I'm sure has something to do with losing Alex (since I wasn't prone to freaking out like this before he died). Last night I had a nightmare that I was on a road trip with my parents and Sam (don't know where Steve was), and I left Sam in a snowy horse pasture somewhere along the trip. There was major panic and freaking out as I made my dad turn the car around and go searching for him (because I, of course, could not remember exactly where that was). My mom was weirdly asleep during most of it and woke up with a start when I started yelling at my dad to drive faster. The whole time, I kept thinking about how afraid and upset he must be...probably crying and hysterical. There was a sense of increasing speed...like a snowball rolling down a hill...as the minutes passed where I couldn't find my Sam. I woke up feeling like I could cry and it still makes me feel sick to think about now.

Good God, I'm a mess. I sure hope dinner does the trick.

7 comments:

cstevens said...

Whew. I love you.

How about Champs?

Holley said...

Hugs.

What about the Willoughby Brewing Company? That was where our post-wedding dinner was. Meat, potatoes, other good stuff and on the spot brewed beer and root beer.

Dana said...

Big hugs to you Kate!!! I hate dreams like that. : (

I hope you and Steve are able to have a WONDERFUL dinner out. You deserve it. (Just make sure to have that cell phone with you. ; ) )

rach said...

What about Longhorn Steak house? Do you ahve that theer? OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH SOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOD. I'm mis-spelling words just thinking about it.

Anam Cara said...

I have had similar dreams about my daughter and they are just horrible; being so out of control and thinking about the impending "doom" and that you can't so anything quick enough to save them. I am so sorry. And it sounds like for your own mental health you have to find a way out of going to this baby shower next week. I'm sure that is not so easy in a smallish office, but I think it would be best for you. ((hugs))

kate said...

Yeah i agree Rach, i love that texas steakhouse place...

I hope dinner does the trick too, Cathy, and i agree that you should get out of the stupid baby shower if you can. I think the daddy in question will understand. Also, you might want to take some time this weekend just for yourself -- to craft, or shop, or read a book, or whatever you want to do...i find that helps restore balance.


And, um, happy early birthday!

deadbabymama said...

Happy birthday in advance, because I will forget closer to the date because I am a total moron about birthdays!

Consider skipping the baby shower. There's no rule that says you have to go.